I flinched as I remembered the problems I’d caused in her classroom last year. The biggest was when I’d punched Becca so hard that I’d knocked her out cold. In my defense, she’d deserved it. She’d called me a crack whore.
“We won’t have any issues, I promise,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.
“Glad to hear it. Take a seat,” she said as she handed me a book.
I turned to face the rest of the room. Every single person was staring at me. The silence from the hallways had followed me in here. I walked to the back of the class, not bothering to look at anyone as I went.
I dropped into my chair and put my book and notebook on the desk before looking up. Several of my classmates were looking at me. The silence from before was gone. I could hear whispered conversations coming from all directions.
“Why is she back?”
“I thought she was in jail.”
“I heard she killed him.”
My knuckles turned white as I tried to control my temper. I won’t let them get to me. No way.
None of these people were worth getting kicked out. I blocked out their words until the teacher finally called the class to order. I’d never been so glad to get started in my life. A few of my classmates kept looking over their shoulders at me, but I ignored them as I tried to concentrate on the chalkboard. Math had never been a strong point of mine, and it was obvious that it was way over my head now—two months’ worth of over my head.
When class finally ended, I gathered my stuff and hurried from the room.
My next few classes went the exact same way. Some of my old friends—or rather, Joel’s old friends—caught my eye and smiled occasionally. It was good to know that I wasn’t completely alone.
When lunchtime rolled around, I walked slowly to the cafeteria, dreading the task of finding a seat. Hopefully, there would be an empty table somewhere.
Much to my relief, I found a table that was empty near the back of the cafeteria. I dropped down into a chair and started picking at my food. I missed Gram’s cooking. She put this crap they passed off as food to shame. Just as I was about to stand and throw my uneaten food away, a chair pulled out beside me, and a body dropped into it.
I looked up to see Lucas, one of Joel’s old friends, sitting next to me. Without a word, he smiled before digging into his food.
“Um…hi?” I asked, surprised to see him sitting with me.
We’d talked some before, but we weren’t close. I wasn’t close with any of Joel’s friends besides Riley.
“Hey,” he said as he shoved his light brown hair out of his eyes.
“Why are you sitting with me?” I asked.
He gave me a small smile. “You looked like you could use some company.”
“Oh. Well, thanks, I guess,” I mumbled.
“You’re welcome.” He studied me for a minute. “I’m sorry about Joel. He could be an ass, but overall, he was a good guy. I liked him a lot.”
“Thanks,” I said as I fought the tears clouding my vision.
I knew he was trying to help, but I didn’t want to casually talk about Joel over bad cafeteria food.
“Look, I know we’re not best friends or anything, but I’ve always considered you a friend. All of our group has. You were Joel’s chick, but you were also a hard-ass, Lexi. We’re not going to shun you just because he’s gone.”
We both looked up when the chairs across the table were pulled out. Ryan and Cory, two more of Joel’s friends, sat down and gave me a brief smile.
“What’s up, Lexi? Long time no see,” Cory said.
“Uh…not much.”
I stared at all three of them as they started to eat. I hadn’t expected this. I’d always assumed that they kept me around because I was with Joel, not because they liked me. As I realized that maybe I did have a few friends around here, I smiled. Maybe I would be okay after all.
The first week had been hard, but I made it through. Lucas, Cory, and Ryan sat with me at lunch every day, and soon, more of my old friends started joining us. No one mentioned Joel again, but I knew they were all thinking about him. I thought that Lucas had told them not to say anything about Joel, and I was grateful. I didn’t want to talk about him. I was trying to move forward, and I couldn’t do that if people kept bringing him up. I wasn’t trying to forget him. There was no way that I could even if I wanted to. I was just trying to move on.
“So, what are you doing this weekend, Lexi?” Lucas asked as we were leaving the cafeteria.
“Uh…nothing. I might hang out with Riley or something.”
“Why don’t you come to my house tonight? Riley, too. We’re having a party.”
“Let me see what he wants to do. I’ll let you know,” I said as we stopped by my locker.
“Great. Maybe I’ll see you later then.”
I watched him walk away, debating on whether I’d go even if Riley wanted to. I knew Lucas’s party would be a lot like Joel’s had been. There would definitely be drugs and alcohol, and I was done with that scene. I liked the guys though. If I went, I promised myself that I wouldn’t do anything stupid.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Riley.
Me: Lucas is having a party tonight. We’re invited. Do you want to go?
A few seconds later, he responded.
Riley: If you’re cool with it, I am. Want me to pick you up?
Me: Yeah. I’ll be ready around seven.
Riley: See you then.
With a smile on my face, I shoved my phone back into my pocket before heading to my next class. The party was just another way that I was moving on. I could do this. I would do this.
I dropped my bag off in my room once I made it home. It was already five thirty, and I needed to hurry up, so I’d be ready by the time Riley stopped by to pick me up. After showering, straightening my hair, putting my makeup on, and dressing again, I walked downstairs to let my mom know that I was going out.
I walked into the living room where she was sitting on the couch, watching television. She glanced up at me, surprise written clearly across her face.
“You look nice. Usually, you’re in sweats by now.”
“I’m going out tonight, if that’s okay,” I said nervously. I probably should have made sure it was okay with my mom before I told Riley to pick me up.
“Where are you going?”
“Um…there’s a party. I’m going with Riley.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Is this party like Jo—is it like the ones you used to go to?”
“It is, but you don’t have to worry. I won’t get in trouble.”
“Alexandria…I don’t think that this is a good idea. You’ve been doing so well, and I don’t want you to slip back into old habits.”
“I won’t. I promise. I just want to get out for the night. Riley knows how I’ve been lately. He’ll watch out for me.”
I knew he would. Riley’s protective streak seemed to triple after Joel’s death.
She nodded, but I knew she was still debating.
“What time will you be home?”
“I don’t know. It’ll be late, but I can let you know when I get home, if that will make you feel better.”
“No, it’s all right. I trust you. Just please be careful, okay?”
I nodded, relieved that she was letting me go out. “I will.”
I hugged her quickly before grabbing my purse and walking out the door. Riley’s car was idling by the curb, and I hurried out to meet him.
“Hey,” I said as I closed the door.
“You ready for this?” he asked as he pulled away from my house.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I need to get out more. I have to start living again.”
He nodded. “You do. Whenever you’re ready to go, just let me know, and we’ll leave, okay?”
“That’s fine. I’m not going to drink or anything, so if you want to, go ahead. I’ll drive you home.”
He glanced over at me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I�
��ll stay sober, too.”
“I’ll be fine, Riley. Seriously. I want to have fun tonight, and you should, too. You’ve also had a hard time lately.”
“I can have fun without getting drunk.”
I snorted. “Next, you’ll tell me that you don’t want to hookup with chicks anymore.”
He laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far. I need to get laid. It’s been too long.”
“Then, go for it. Don’t let me stop you.”
“You could always join in. I’m sure it’ll take your mind off your troubles.” He grinned innocently at me.
I rolled my eyes. I’d been around Riley long enough to know that he was only kidding. We both cared a lot about each other but not like that. I had been Joel’s, and Riley was…just Riley.
“I think I’ll pass, but thanks for thinking of me.”
“Suit yourself. Your loss,” he joked.
We pulled into a parking space a few houses down from Lucas’s. Even though it was barely past seven, the party was already in full swing. We both stepped out of the car and started walking toward the house. As soon as we walked through the door, Lucas appeared with two red cups. He handed one to both of us.
“Glad you guys could make it.” He smiled.
I stared down at my cup, unsure of what to say. “Um…thanks for inviting us, but I’m not drinking tonight.”
“Why not?” Lucas asked as if not drinking wasn’t something he could comprehend.
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel like it, I guess,” I mumbled.
“Lexi, relax. Seriously. Just drink it and have fun. You deserve some fun,” Lucas said.
I glanced at Riley, but he shrugged.
“If you want to drink, then drink. I’ll watch out for you,” Riley said.
I glanced between both of them and finally down to my cup. “Sure. Why not?”
I knew it was stupid to drink, but I did it anyway. My promise to my mother was forgotten as I drank first one cup and then another. I’d forgotten how much alcohol could numb me. As I started on my third cup, I was buzzed and relaxed. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been relaxed like this.
“You doin’ okay?” Riley asked from beside me. He’d been by my side the entire night.
“I’m fine. Go have fun, Riley. I can take care of myself.”
“Not a chance. You’re my responsibility tonight.”
I opened my mouth to tell him to get lost, but a girl stepped right in front of me. My vision turned red when I realized that it was Tasha.
“What do you want?” I spit out.
She sneered at me. “I just wanted to come over and see how you’re doing.” She glanced at Riley, who was now so close to me that his shoulder brushed mine. “But I can see that you’re doing just fine. I wonder what Joel would have thought about you and his best friend?”
I didn’t think. I just reacted. Before Riley could stop me, I tackled Tasha to the floor. She was the reason that Joel and I had split up. She was the reason that I hadn’t been with him that night. She was the reason he was dead.
“How dare you say that to me after what you did?” I screamed as I slapped her hard across the face.
She reached out and grabbed my hair, yanking my head down. I barely noticed as I drew back and slammed my fist into her face.
How many times have I hit this woman? It didn’t matter. I felt no regret over hurting her. Instead, I wanted her to suffer more.
She yanked my hair hard, causing me to fall to one side. I cursed the alcohol I’d drunk as I tried to keep her from climbing on top of me. If I were sober, she never would have had the chance to knock me off. Her fist slammed into my stomach, but I barely noticed as I flipped her off of me and tackled her again. Adrenaline and rage shot through my system as I punched her again.
I felt someone grab me from behind and pull me off of her.
“Stop, Lexi! She’s not worth it.”
Riley. I sagged into his arms as he dragged me away. He didn’t stop until we were outside in Lucas’s front yard.
“What the hell, Lexi?” he shouted at me.
“Didn’t you hear what she said to me?” I shouted right back. “She accused me of being with you after everything she’s done!”
“It doesn’t matter! She’s not worth it, and we both know it. She was baiting you, and you fell for it. You’ve got to stop hitting every person who pisses you off!”
I glared at him. “I don’t hit everyone who pisses me off. I haven’t hit you yet, but I really want to.”
He chuckled, causing me to grin, too. “You’re an idiot, Lexi. Come on, let’s get you home before you start a brawl.”
He grabbed my arm and all but dragged me to his car, and then he shoved me inside. Once he was inside as well, he started it and pulled away. Now that my mind wasn’t clouded with anger, I realized how stupid I had been to fight with her again. It wouldn’t change anything. Granted, it did make me feel better, but still, it wasn’t an answer, and neither was drinking.
“You okay?” Riley finally asked.
“Peachy. I’m sorry that I let her get to me. I just…I saw her, and I lost it. Everything is her fault. If she’d stayed away from Joel, we never would have broken up. I might have been with him that night. I could have saved him.”
“You wouldn’t have been there, Lexi. You were at your grandparents’. There’s nothing you could have done. You have to realize that.”
He was right, but I didn’t want to admit it. Tasha had been the target I needed. My hate could be unleashed on a physical target.
“She screwed everything up for us. If it wasn’t for her, Joel and I would have still been together those last few weeks.”
“I know, Lexi. Trust me, I know. Joel let her have it, if it makes you feel any better. He refused to be around her, and he told all the dealers not to sell to her anymore. I’m assuming that she finally found someone to sell to her now though.”
“I should have hit her harder,” I grumbled.
Riley laughed. “I have no idea why you were worried about going back to school. Those chicks would have to be crazy to try anything with you. You go half-crazy when you start fighting.”
Neither of us spoke again until he pulled up in front of my house.
“I’ll see you later, Lexi. Call me if you need something.”
“I will. Night, Riley.” I stepped out of the car and closed the door behind me.
He waited until I was in my house before driving away.
I might not have Joel or Landon anymore, but I still had friends. I still had a life. It was a start.
I fell into an easy routine the next week. I was at school an hour before anyone else and stayed until five every night, trying to catch up on my classes. Word had spread about my fight with Tasha at Lucas’s, and no one dared approach me. None of them realized that I couldn’t fight in school, or I was sure they would have started something. Despite the fact that I was trying to get caught up and staying out of trouble, Principal Groves and my teachers watched me constantly. I knew they were waiting for me to fuck up.
The following weekend, I went to another party with Riley. Tasha was nowhere to be seen—thankfully—and the night was uneventful. I ended up crashing at Riley’s place since I was slightly drunk. My mom was pissed off over that one, but at least I had texted her to let her know where I was.
She had no idea that I was drinking again, and I didn’t want her to. Besides, I wasn’t drinking like I had before. I knew Riley was there for me, but I also knew that I had to learn to take care of myself. Getting stupid drunk at a party full of guys wasn’t what I considered taking care of myself.
Things were getting back to normal for me finally. I still had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I forced myself to. Joel was in my thoughts a lot, but it didn’t hurt quite as bad to think about him anymore. I was finally starting to find peace when it came to him.
Landon, on the other hand, was a problem. Every time that I pictured him in my min
d, I wanted to cry. I’d been so cruel to him when he was only trying to be there for me. I thought about calling him once or twice, but I decided against it. I’d told him to let me go, and I needed to do the same with him. I kept repeating that to myself on the nights when I couldn’t sleep because he kept popping into my head. I missed him so damn much. If things had been different, I would be in his arms right now. I would be happy. But life never worked that way. Instead, it fucked me over every chance it had.
I spent most of my free time with Riley. I felt bad about it, but he assured me that it wasn’t a big deal. He was the only person who understood how much it hurt to lose Joel. He’d listened more than once as I cried over everything I’d lost. I even told him about Landon. I was ashamed that I’d fallen in love with someone besides Joel. Riley didn’t judge though. He even suggested that I call and talk to Landon.
Four weeks after I’d sent Landon that letter, the world came crashing down around me yet again. Riley had just dropped me off, and I was walking inside when I heard the phone ringing. I hurried and answered it, unsure of whether or not my mom was asleep.
“Hello?”
“Alexandria?”
My grandmother’s voice shocked me.
“Gram?”
“Yes, honey, it’s me. I’m sorry that I’m calling so late, but I thought you should know—”
“Know what? What’s wrong, Gram? Is Grandpa okay?” I asked.
“Caleb is fine. It’s…it’s Landon. There was an accident today. He was driving one of the tractors on a steep hill, and it rolled.”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. Landon…accident…oh God.
It was Joel all over again. My legs gave out, and I slid down the wall just as my mother walked into the room. She took one look at me and rushed to my side.
“Alexandria, what’s wrong?” she cried as she knelt down in front of me.
When I didn’t answer, she grabbed the phone from my hand. “Who is this?”
I watched her eyes widen as Gram spoke to her over the phone. I was breathing again but just barely. It felt like something was sitting on my chest. There wasn’t enough room for my lungs to expand.
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