Brenda was strongly tempted to tell him to shut up and mind his own business. But that would only start a row and so with great difficulty she ignored him, kissed her mother on the cheek, and left.
‘Some day I’ll let him have it, the old bastard,’ she muttered furiously to herself as she walked the short distance to Kathy’s. The lads were collecting them from there.
‘What’s wrong?’ Kathy asked in concern when she saw her friend’s glower.
‘That old ratbag and his interference.’ Brenda grimaced.
‘Ah forget him, Bren, we’re going to have a great night tonight.’ Kathy was as bubbly as champagne. ‘You’re going to get a surprise tonight,’ she smiled happily.
‘Oh! What?’ Brenda snapped out of her bad humour, intrigued.
‘Wait and see,’ her best friend teased.
‘Ah go on. Tell me,’ wheedled Brenda. Whatever it was, she had never seen Kathy looking so radiant. Working in the bank had made such a difference to her friend. She was now always perfectly made up and she was able to afford to buy lovely clothes. Brenda couldn’t help feeling a little bit envious at times. ‘What is it?’
‘Oh Bren, I can’t keep it to myself a minute longer. But don’t say a word to anyone. Now promise.’
‘I promise, I promise, now quick, tell me.’ Brenda was mad with curiosity.
Her friend took a deep breath. ‘Kenny’s asked me to marry him. We’re going to announce our engagement tonight at the party. Isn’t it brilliant?’
Brenda couldn’t believe her ears. Kathy and Kenny were going to get married. She stood rooted to the step in shock.
‘Well! Say something, instead of standing there with your mouth open,’ she heard Kathy exclaim as if through a fog.
‘It’s . . . it’s great. I’m thrilled for you.’ She flung her arms around the ecstatic Kathy.
Liar! said a little voice in her head. In truth she felt deeply, disgustingly jealous of her best friend. Kathy’ll never have to worry about being left on the shelf was the first thought that flashed through her brain as she hugged her. It was funny, she had always secretly felt a bit superior to Kathy. She’d always felt that her and Eddie’s relationship was much more romantic and passionate than the rather tomboyish friendship that Kathy and Kenny shared. And now here they were announcing their engagement.
‘When are you getting married?’ Thank God her voice sounded normal.
‘Oh not for ages yet. We want to start saving for a house first. Oh, but Brenda, I’m just so happy. I really love Kenny and he really loves me. It’s just wonderful. This is the best New Year of my whole life.’
‘Lucky you.’ Brenda couldn’t help but smile at her friend’s excitement.
‘Maybe when Eddie hears, he might get the same idea and pop the question!’ Kathy exclaimed.
A ray of hope illuminated her gloom. That’s exactly what might happen. The thought of Kathy being Mrs Kenny Lyons while she was still Miss Brenda Myles . . . spinster was terribly depressing. Oh God, please let Eddie ask me to marry him, she sent up a heartfelt prayer.
‘We could have a double wedding,’ she said lightly, pretending not to take the suggestion seriously.
‘Mmm . . .’ agreed Kathy enthusiastically as she caught sight of her beloved walking down the street and waved happily to him.
Her best friend’s unexpected news had completely taken the wind out of Brenda’s sails and, although the party was lively and good-humoured, she didn’t enjoy it as much as she’d anticipated. She found herself putting on a show of gaiety that she did not feel. She hated her own disloyal jealousy. It wasn’t a very nice trait. But it was what she felt right now.
There was jubilation when Kenny made the announcement at midnight and slipped an elegant solitaire onto his fiancée’s finger.
‘It’s gorgeous, I hope you’ll be very very happy.’ Brenda hugged Kathy warmly but the sight of the ring sparkling on the third finger of her friend’s left hand left her feeling even more miserable and envious. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Kathy to be engaged and happy. She did. It was just she wanted that for herself as well.
‘Well what do you think of that?’ Eddie asked her as they danced to a slow set.
‘It’s great. I hope they’ll be really happy. It was a bit of a surprise, though. What do you think?’ Brenda nestled her head against his shoulder and felt an answering tightening of his arms around her.
‘I think they’re mad,’ Eddie declared. Brenda was chilled by his words.
‘Why? I think it’s very romantic.’
‘You would,’ her boyfriend teased. ‘Imagine all the saving they’re going to have to do. Now that they have a bit of money for the first time in their lives they should be enjoying themselves, going places, doing things. Just like us.’ He nibbled the lobe of her ear.
‘Yeah, but they’ve just got engaged. They won’t be getting married for ages.’
‘Well I still think they’re mad,’ reiterated Eddie as the music livened up and he twirled her around and started jiving.
It wasn’t too hopeful, Brenda thought despondently as she lay in bed that night. Eddie sounded as if he wasn’t going to get married until he was forty. She kept picturing Kathy’s radiant face as she looked at Kenny when he slipped the ring on her finger. Will that ever be me? she wondered dispiritedly. What a way to start the New Year, down in the dumps and full of gloom. This is ridiculous, she told herself sternly. She’d work on Eddie. Think positive, she resolved as her eyelids began to droop.
The following week she was called to the County Council. Thrilled, she rang Eddie to tell him the good news.
‘Let’s celebrate, I’ll get a bottle of wine on the way home from work. Why don’t you come over to my house? You know the parents had to go down the country for a funeral, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.’
‘Yeah, Eddie, I’d love that,’ Brenda agreed enthusiastically. What a stroke of luck, getting called for her new job so early in the New Year. It was a great start. She’d be earning good money. She’d be able to give up that boring old commercial course. It was a perfect way to begin the New Year. Well almost perfect, she amended, thinking of Kathy and her engagement ring.
‘Look, why don’t you come into town to meet me and we can go for a meal and go home together,’ her boyfriend suggested.
‘You’re on,’ she agreed happily.
A couple of hours later she was standing, all dolled up, waiting for him under Clerys clock. It was a freezing, bitterly cold night and sleet stung her face. Brenda shivered. She was looking forward to going back to Eddie’s and curling up in front of the fire with a glass of wine. She watched a photographer take a picture of a couple who, arms entwined, told him they were on honeymoon. They looked blissfully happy, she thought enviously.
‘Hiya.’ She turned around to find Eddie smiling at her. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here, it’s bloody freezing.’ He linked her arm in his. They crossed the width of O’Connell Street, dodging the traffic, and ten minutes later were sitting at a window table in the Sunflower Chinese restaurant, gazing out at the night scene below them. They talked companionably of the events of the day and Brenda thought, as she tucked into her meal with relish, how happy she was just to be with Eddie. To know she would be with him for the rest of her life would make her the happiest girl in the world.
Later, in front of the blazing fire, she returned his kisses passionately. It was a rare treat to be on their own in such comfort. When he started removing her clothes, she made no protest. Both of them were still virgins. They’d had many intimate moments in their four years together. She’d had to tell in Confession that she’d indulged in heavy petting. She’d endured many a priestly lecture, but she’d never allowed Eddie to go the whole way. He moaned a bit sometimes but he understood. Going the whole way was a big step.
‘This is lovely,’ he murmured as he slipped her bra off and started to kiss her breasts, the tip of his tongue flicking across her nipples. Brenda gave a little shi
ver of pleasure and slid her hands down along his torso and inside his underpants. Eddie groaned and raised his head to look at her. ‘I’ve French letters upstairs, Bren, please, let’s do it,’ he entreated. Brenda was tempted. Maybe if she did, he would finally realize that they should be together always. Maybe it would be a step towards a proposal.
‘All right,’ she whispered.
‘Oh Brenda, I love you.’ Eddie kissed her passionately. ‘I’ve been wanting us to do this for so long.’
‘I love you too, Eddie,’ she whispered back, happy and petrified at the same time.
‘I won’t hurt you,’ he said gently.
‘I know you won’t.’ She caressed his cheek softly. It wasn’t that that she was worried about. All she was afraid of was getting pregnant. Kathy’s sister had got pregnant when she was sixteen and it had been a huge disgrace. There was no way Kathy and Kenny were going to sleep together until they were married, her friend confided when Brenda jokingly told her not to dare do IT before her. Well she might not be engaged but she’d be a woman of the world before Kathy was, Brenda thought with a sense of wry satisfaction while Eddie went upstairs to get the French letter.
He didn’t hurt her, he was very gentle and there were times she thought it was very nice even. But most of the time she just kept thinking, please God, don’t let me get pregnant.
For the next three weeks she was terrified that her period wouldn’t arrive on time. As the day drew near she got extremely tense and spent her nights imagining how she would tell her parents if she was pregnant. Maybe the shock would give Grumps a fatal heart attack, she thought cruelly. She began to feel a bit off in the mornings. Was it the beginning of morning sickness and was she imagining it or were her breasts slightly tender? It was nerve-racking. Brenda greeted her period’s painful arrival with a huge sense of relief. The pain was almost welcome, she decided as she lay in bed with a hot-water bottle on her stomach, bathed in contentment. It fascinated her how women could quite cheerfully have sex outside marriage and not be the least bit concerned about getting pregnant. She had no faith in condoms, or any other method of contraception. It wouldn’t have mattered what she used. The fear of getting pregnant and the guilt she was feeling about committing sin were robbing her of any enjoyment whatsoever.
Although they were now sleeping together as regularly as circumstances would permit, Eddie had so far not mentioned anything about getting engaged. Brenda, feeling resentful, started nagging and dropping broad hints. Why should she be undergoing all this suffering and worry each month waiting for her period? If she was married, she wouldn’t give a hoot. It wouldn’t bother her in the slightest if she got pregnant. The more she thought about it, and compared her situation to Kathy’s, the more she wanted to be married.
She would stop at jewellers’ windows and go on about the gorgeous rings in them, pointing out the kind of one she’d like if she ever got engaged. Eddie did not like being pressured one little bit. She knew she was pushing it and she knew it annoyed him, but somehow she couldn’t stop herself once she got started.
Then, several months later, her period was late and she really freaked. ‘If I’m pregnant, we’ll have to get married,’ she’d told her ashen-faced boyfriend.
‘I know . . . I know,’ he growled, not a bit sympathetic. Brenda had been up the wall. Yet when her period finally did arrive, she was vaguely disappointed. Eddie would have married her if she’d been pregnant.
A week later, Eddie phoned her at work and told her he wanted to meet her in town for a chat. He sounded strained and Brenda couldn’t dispel an ominous feeling of unease.
They went into The Fleet and ensconced themselves in a quiet little nook. Eddie went to the bar to get their drinks and Brenda wondered why he’d been so insistent on seeing her tonight. She’d been due to play a basketball match and the captain was not pleased when Brenda phoned to say she couldn’t make it. ‘Well! What’s so important?’ she enquired with forced cheeriness as he placed the drinks on the table and sat down beside her. Whatever was wrong, Eddie looked awfully serious.
‘Brenda, I love you. I always will. But things have got too serious between us and I never meant for that to happen. You want to get married. I know you do. But I don’t. I want to have a life before I get married.’ He looked at her in desperation. ‘Brenda, I want to break it off,’ he blurted out.
Chapter Thirty-Six
This isn’t happening! It can’t be true. He can’t want to finish with me. Her thoughts whirled around her head like dervishes spinning madly out of control. She wanted to scream Stop! Stop! And put her hands to her temples to try and squeeze out these horrible thoughts. But she couldn’t do that sitting in the back of a taxi. The driver would think she was a loony. Brenda gave a little shiver as she clenched her hands together tightly. It was a lovely summer’s evening, but after the shock she’d just had, she felt icy cold.
Eddie wanted to finish with her after four years together. After sleeping together, after all they’d shared together, he wanted to end it. An hour ago, she’d had a boyfriend. She’d had a future planned as his wife. She’d been so sure they’d end up married. Not as quickly as Kathy and Kenny obviously, but some time in the years to come she’d imagined herself walking down the aisle arm in arm with Eddie. An hour ago life had been worth living. Now, it was a disaster.
She sat in the back of the taxi replaying the scene in The Fleet.
‘I want to break it off.’ That’s what Eddie had said. She’d sat staring at him, uncomprehending. Hearing the words, yet not taking them in.
‘Brenda, I hate to do this but I feel trapped, I don’t want to make commitments. I want to do things, go places and I don’t want to be unfair to you.’
‘We don’t have to get married,’ she said in desperation. ‘Can’t we just go on as we are?’
Eddie shook his head.
‘It won’t work.’
‘But I love you,’ she pleaded.
‘I know,’ Eddie said miserably. ‘I’m sorry but I can’t help the way I feel. It’s over, Bren. Don’t make it hard on yourself. I won’t change my mind.’
When she’d heard this, Brenda knew there was no point in arguing. She knew Eddie. Once he’d made up his mind about something, that was it. Nothing would change it. If she’d thought that begging would change his mind, she would have thrown her pride to the four winds and pleaded with him to reconsider. She would have humiliated herself, cast all dignity aside, done anything. But she knew it would make no difference. Eddie wanted out and there was nothing that she could do or say that would make him change his mind. There and then, her whole world collapsed around her ears. Numb, she’d sipped her drink to try to ease her constricted throat. Then he offered to walk her to the taxi rank in O’Connell Street. He planned to stay in town, he told her flatly.
They walked the few hundred yards to the taxi rank. Eddie kissed her on the cheek, handed her the money for her fare and then he was gone, striding back towards O’Connell Bridge, and she was alone in the back of the cab wondering if she was having a dreadful nightmare.
It was no nightmare, this was for real, she told herself as the taxi passed the Rotunda and turned right into Parnell Square. Eddie had blown her out and she was on her own. The pain of it was intensely physical. It was as if her heart was immersed in boiling oil. She felt scalded inside. She wanted to cry with abandon. If she’d been told at that minute that she was dying, she couldn’t have cared less. She loved Eddie, he was all she wanted. Nothing else mattered. Brenda sat in the back of the taxi, as rigid as a board. She made automatic responses to the driver’s chatty conversation. Seeing that he was getting nowhere and that his passenger obviously had other concerns on her mind, he stopped talking and left her to her thoughts.
It’s over, it’s over, the hateful refrain danced around her head as she stared unseeingly out the window. What am I going to do now? she asked herself in panic.
She felt the utmost relief when the driver pulled up outside her own fron
t door. She paid him and flew in the front door, wanting only to reach the sanctuary of her room where she could cry her heart out. Please don’t let Jenny be there, she thought frantically. Brenda just wanted to be very much alone.
‘You’re home early,’ her mother observed, on her way to the kitchen.
‘I’ve bad period pains. I’m going to bed,’ Brenda lied.
‘Do you want me to bring you up a cup of hot milk or anything?’ Kit asked solicitously.
‘No, Ma, I’ll be fine. I just want to get into bed and have an early night,’ Brenda murmured.
‘Go on, lovie, you look a bit pale,’ her mother replied and Brenda hurried upstairs and closed her bedroom door. Jenny wasn’t there, to her great relief, and flinging herself on her bed, she buried her head in her pillow and sobbed.
‘Oh Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, I love you,’ she cried. ‘How could you do this to me? How could you treat me like dirt? Haven’t you any feelings for me at all?’ Anger, bitterness, even hate, consumed her. One minute she was going to show him that she’d manage perfectly fine without him. She’d have a boyfriend in no time. Wasn’t Shay Hanley at work always flirting with her and suggesting they go for a drink? Let Mister Eddie put that in his pipe and smoke it. He’d go mad when he saw them together. But it would be too late then. Because she was finished with him. For good.
The next minute she was desperately trying to think of ways to get Eddie back. Maybe if she had an accident, he’d come rushing into the hospital full of remorse, begging her to take him back.
A while later, she undressed and got into bed properly, snuggling down in the comforting hollow of her bed. Brenda heard her mother open the door and ask if she was OK, but she kept her head under the sheets and pretended she was asleep. When Jennifer came to bed, she very kindly did not put on the light and Brenda lay in the darkness, silently weeping, her heart aching with pain and grief for the future that was lost to her.
Eddie Fagan crossed O’Connell Bridge feeling as if a huge weight had suddenly been lifted from his shoulders. The ordeal he’d been dreading so much was finally over. It hadn’t been half as bad as he’d expected. He knew Brenda was shocked and hurt and he pitied her but she hadn’t made the fuss he’d expected her to. She’d just sat there with that awful stunned look on her face. Eddie felt a twinge of guilt.
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