Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Chapter Twenty (Part Two)

  Wherein the Sign is -Almost- Ready

  “Take care kind Half Elf, and come back soon!” Drimblerod finished with an almost-polite shove on the Half Elf’s back as he kicked the door shut. “This will be interesting,” he said as he flipped the sign to the closed side.”

  “Hurry before the sign stops moving!” Grimbledung called.

  “Moving?” Shaking his head, Drimblerod shuffled quickly to the curtain and pushed it aside.

  Grimbledung was hopping back and forth in front of the sign. Drimblerod caught glimpses of gold, green, and yellow colors shouting at him.

  “We wanted something that explained itself. Something understated yet gripping.” Explained Grimbledung as he stepped out of the way with a flourish.

  Drimblerod was greeted by a sign the height of Grimbledung. Dummy, covered in paint, was still holding a dripping brush that it was dabbing at the edge of what appeared to be a large grey, slowly spinning disk. The disk was attached to a wooden backdrop of a forest, several fairies, and what seemed to be an excited adventurer holding a bulging sack. The edge of the disk was painted with crude gold coins which as the disk turned, seemed to dump into the sack the adventurer was holding. There was a faint clinking sound coming from the entire assembly.

  “Get it?” Asked Grimbledung excitedly, “He’s getting rich!”

  Drimblerod took a deep breath. Then another.

  “See? We made it ourselves!”

  Dummy nodded and pointed a blue thumb at himself.

  Grimbledung appraised his work. “It moves and everything! Dummy painted the coins.”

  Drimblerod took an even deeper breath and held it.

  “Drim?” Asked Grimbledung, his smile faltering. “You’ll pass out if you don’t breathe. It’s important you know.”

  Drimblerod exhaled slowly. He rubbed his temples as he did. “Now, Grimbledung,” he began slowly, “can you explain to me what this has to do with adventurers bringing us wands?”

  Grimbledung squealed. “I thought you’d never ask! Let me give you the tour.” He moved beside the sign. He turned and looked at it.

  After a few moments, Drimblerod cleared his throat. Grimbledung continued to appraise his handiwork. Only the sound of the squeaking wheel and the clink of coins could be heard.”

  “GRIMBLEDUNG!” Shouted Drimblerod, “Snap out of it and explain the sign!”

  Grimbledung startled as if he were asleep. “Sorry, I was thinking about all the money we were going to make.”

  Drimblerod stared at his partner. “Grim, I could really use that explanation about now. Why is the sign that big?”

  Grimbledung tut-tutted, “Because that’s all the wood you had, of course.”

  “You used up all my hard-scrounged wood?” Fumed Drimblerod. “To make this sign? This heap of lumber that looks more like a crazed carpenter’s apprentice’s CHILD’S project?”

  “I was thinking ...” Grimbledung began.

  “Do you know how long I had to scrounge to get that wood?” Howled Drimblerod. “It’s not like people just throw good lumber higgledy piggledy you know! And you’ve wasted it all!”

  “...you know there are people out there that can’t read,” continued Grimbledung as if his partner hadn’t said a word, “so we couldn’t have a sign with writing on it. Or those people who can’t read wouldn’t be able to read it. Because they can’t read. See?”

  Drimblerod’s face was becoming red. “Yes. Some people can’t read. I got it. What is with the stick figure fairies, the dragon with three legs, and the spinning wheel?”

  “Why would people throw away perfectly good wood?”

  “What?”

  “You just said people don’t throw perfectly good wood away day in and day out.” Explained Grimbledung.

  “Yes?” Drimblerod was caught off guard by the sudden change in conversation. Quickly he regained his composure. And anger. “Yes! People don’t just throw good lumber out higgledy piggledy! So stop wasting it!”

  “So sometimes they throw out good wood?”

  “What?”

  “So, if they don’t always throw out good wood, that means sometimes they do throw out good wood, right?”

  Drimblerod clenched his fists. “Forget the blasted wood. Tell me about this infernal sign.”

  Grimbledung brightened up immediately, “Glad you asked! You see, while out in the Wilds, adventurers come across all sorts of magical beasts like fairies and dragons...” Began Grimbledung

  “With three legs” offered Drimblerod.

  “Well, that’s perspective. You can’t see that other leg because it’s so far away. It’s an artist thing.” Chided Grimbledung. “So this lucky adventurer is making all sorts of gold as you can tell by the sound of gold falling into the sack. Dummy suggested adding the clinking sounds.”

  Dummy pointed at himself proudly.

  “But.” Began Drimblerod. He took another deep breath, “Explain to me how people...”

  “Who can’t read,” interrupted Grimbledung.

  “... who can’t read,” agreed Drimblerod, “will know this has anything to do with selling us wands they find.”

  “Because,” began Grimbledung. He looked at the sign. “Fairies?” He tried. “No wait, it’s the dragon. Yes. Definitely the dragon. No. Wait.” He tried again- “Because of the gold coins?” He offered.

  “THERE ARE NO WANDS ON YOUR SIGN OR ANYTHING THAT SAYS SECOND HAND SORCERY!” Roared Drimblerod. “How are people going to know what this sign is even advertising?”

  “Because we’re going to tell them?” Said Grimbledung meekly, “honestly, you really have a temper issue you need to deal with.”

  Drimblerod spun around and pushed through the curtain.

  “Where’s he going?” Asked Grimbledung.

  The Dummy raised both his hands and shrugged. He pointed at the sign and cupped his hand to the side of his head.

  “Yes, the clinking was a nice touch,” agreed Grimbledung.

  Drimblerod burst back through the curtain wielding an Annihilate!! Wand. “I’m going to ask you one more time and then I’m going to let you have it!” Drimblerod snarled.

  “But Drim, what would I want with an Annihilate!! Wand?” Asked Grimbledung.

  Drimblerod ignored his baiting, “How will people know to sell wands to us by looking at this sign that used up all my good lumber?”

  Grimbledung looked from Drimblerod to the glowing wand and back again.

  “They won’t?” He tried.

  Drimblerod lowered the wand and pointed it at Grimbledung’s chest.

  “Yes. That’s right. They won’t.” Purplish tendrils started leaking from the end of the wand. “So why even have the sign that wasted all my wood?” Drimblerod narrowed his eyes. “Careful how you answer because those may be your last words. Ever.”

  Grimbledung blinked as realization crept across his face. “Wait, you’re telling me you’re upset with how the sign turned out?”

  Drimblerod spun the wand over his head. The tendrils were longer and darker now with flashes of red intermixed with the purple. “That’s what you want your last words to be?”

  “But Drimblerod, you haven’t even seen the best part.”

  Drimblerod inhaled deeply and let it whistle past his bared teeth. “You mean there’s more to this monstrosity?” He stopped twirling the wand but still held it aloft. The tendrils coalesced into a glob of magical Annihilate!! at its end.

  “Sure.” Grimbledung said. “You don’t think that this is all that we did all morning” he said as he pointed at the sign. “You haven’t seen the best part.” Grimbledung smirked. “Seen. That’s a good one.”

  “What is the best part?”

  “Come closer and you’ll.... See.” Grimbledung giggled.

  Drimblerod lowered the wand but kept it pointed in Grimbledung’s general direction. The glob of magic was now the size of a Dwarf’s head14. “This better be good,” he warned as he stepped forward.

&
nbsp; Grimbledung stepped back, giggling as he went. “Closer ... closer,” he coaxed.

  Drimblerod moved directly in front of the sign. “What?” What am I suppo...”

  “WELCOME ADVENTURER!” Said the sign as the adventurer’s mouth moved up and down jerkily. “Earn gold coins by bringing wands to Second Hand Sorcery. Right across from the Stumbling Drunk. Sell a wand and have a drink. What are you waiting for?” The wooden adventurer winked. “Stop by the Wand Shop to get your pin!”

  “I gave Nulu a little plug too. Sneaky, huh?”

  Drimblerod let the wand drop to his side. The blob of Annihilate!! immediately dispersed, What’s This? leaking back into the floor. He appraised the sign for a long minute. He was still frowning when he was done. He took another moment to look at the sign. “I admit that’s a good pitch, but what shop owner is going to want to hear that all day long? After half a day, they’ll pitch it on a burn pile.”

  “Do not burn me Mister Gnome!” Pleaded the wooden adventurer, “I will be a good sign, I will!”

  Drimblerod raised the wand again. “You didn’t. You Mechanimated that sign?”

  Grimbledung beamed.

  “You know what happens if you Mechanimate too many things and the Magicians Guild finds out about it?”

  “They get their tabards in a bunch and sit around all pouty-faced?” Said Grimbledung, “What’s a measly magician going to do to me?” He crossed his arms defiantly. “Pull a rabbit out of my hat?”