Tales From a Second Hand Wand Shop- Book 1: They Were the Best of Gnomes. They Were the Worst of Gnomes.

by Robert P. Wills

Chapter Twenty (Part Three)

  Wherein Grimbledung Finishes the Sign

  “I say we do not put it in the burn pile!” Suggested the sign.

  “Shaddap you!” Warned Drimblerod. He stopped and examined the sign closely. “Don’t you have contractions?”

  “A what?” Asked the sign, “I do not know what that is. What is a contraction?”

  Drimblerod looked at Grimbledung who just shrugged. “Either way is fine. I suppose it makes us seem like a classier operation,” he reassured Grimbledung. “Anyway,” he continued, “a few pots and pans, and an occasional broom are about as Mechanimated as I want my life to be.” Dummy dropped his paintbrush and flailed his arms. “

  “You’re fine, Dummy.”

  “Larry” corrected Grimbledung.

  “Don’t tell me you gave him a name! That makes it that much harder to ...”

  “Do not say throw into the burn pile!” Pleaded the sign.

  “Relax, Jerry. No one is going to throw you in the burn pile,” assured Grimbledung.

  “STOP NAMING THINGS!” Shouted Drimblerod. “Nothing else gets a name. Nothing!”

  “Damn it all. I wanted to be Jerry.”

  “QUIET RAT!” Drimblerod raised the wand above his head again. Dutifully the glob of Annihilate!! began to reform. “All right,” Drimblerod said. “Everyone listen and listen good. NOTHING else gets Mechanimated. EVERTHING that doesn’t have a beating heart has a distinct possibility of ending up in the burn pile or the box! Got it?”

  Dummy looked down at the ground, head lolling in anguish.

  “Relax dummy” assured Drimblerod. “You’re a valuable asset to the business.”

  Dummy’s head sprung up and he did a jig from the waist up. That was all he had to work with.

  “Just don’t get cocky,” warned Drimblerod.

  Instead of stopping his jig, the Dummy toned it down and directed it towards the sign.

  “What about me?” Asked Jerry the sign, “I am valuable, I am!”

  “We will see, sign.”

  “Call me Jerry.”

  Drimblerod just glowered at the sign. “A bonfire is just one incinerator wand away, sign, so don’t press your luck. Sign,” he repeated for emphasis.

  Grimbledung cleared his throat, “You know Drim, I say we stick the sign at the Outfitters next door and see how it works over a few days. If it doesn’t seem to attract any business, we can see what we will do with Jerry at that point.” Grimbledung pointed at the still charged wand in Drimblerod’s hand. “And you should put that back in the display case,” he suggested.

  Drimblerod looked up at the wand and the large blob of Annihilate! That hung just above its tip. “I suppose that’s a good idea,” he squinted at the sign, “I’d hate to waste a good bit of magic on a misfire when there are perfectly good targets all around.” He squinted again at the sign.

  “Mister Gnome! I will get you business, just drag me over to that shop and you will see!” Said the sign. “Say, I have an idea!” The sign perked up (as much as a wooden sign could), “Why do you not put some wheels on me and I will roll myself over there. Myself.” The sign considered his offer for a moment. “I promise I will go straight to the Outfitters and nowhere else. I promise!” He cringed as he realized he had said too much.

  Drimblerod scowled. “Sure, you would. You’d make a break for it the first chance you got. Then you’d run into some Magician’s apprentice and they’d haul you before the Grand Magicians Council. In a flash they’d have my name and where my shop is. Not a chance, sign,” he said. “Grim, since you made that thing” he pointed at the sign, “I want you to add a proximity spell to its Mechanimation.”

  “Proximity spell?” Asked Grimbledung.

  “Yes, it means ...” Began Drimblerod.

  “I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!” Howled Grimbledung.

  Dummy stopped his jig and cowered under his arms.

  “YOU CALLING ME STUPID?” Grimbledung’s face turned red, “Why do you want me to cast it on the sign?” He finished as he puffed out his chest, barely in control of himself.

  Drimblerod blinked at Grimbledung. “If you know what it means, how do you not know why I asked you to cast it on the sign?”

  Grimbledung mulled over the question and his red face turned into a blush. “I might not have been listening. I was thinking of other things,” he finished sheepishly.

  Drimblerod just gaped at his partner.

  Dummy uncovered his head and pointed to Grimbledung as he twirled his other mitten hand around where his ear would be.

  “Lucius.” Suggested Grimbledung.

  This time Drimblerod’s face turned red. “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” He screamed. “Who’s Lucius?”

  “Have you ever met a Lucius that’s nice? Why do parents even name their sons that?”

  Drimblerod’s fist clenched the wand until his knuckles were a pale grey. “What does that have to do with anything? Why aren’t you paying attention? This is important shop business I’m trying to deal with and you’re daydreaming!”

  Grimbledung leaned against the sign. “Well you started it when you mentioned Big Julie being a guy’s name but only guys who are underhanded.” Explained Grimbledung. “That got me thinking of other names that always have a certain personality. Have you ever met a Lucius that was a good fellow?”

  “No.” Steamed Drimblerod.

  “How about a Farrah that wasn’t a total knockout?”

  “No” fumed Drimblerod.

  “A GreenBeard that wasn’t a tree?”

  “No” smoldered Drimblerod.

  “A Sharayah that wasn’t a little unstable?”

  “No.” Seethed Drimblerod.

  Grimbledung beamed. “See?”

  “How about a Grimbledung that actually pays attention. Ever met one of those? How about you pay attention to what’s going on right now.” He lowered his voice dangerously, “Now put a Proximity Spell on the sign so that the Mechanimation Spell won’t work if he’s more than 300 paces from you so he can’t try to get away but get caught by a Magician’s Apprentice in the process and then get tortured until he tells them where our shop is and the Magicians come here and torture us when they see how many Mechanimated things we’ve whipped up around here and we end up worse than dead all because you didn’t put a Proximity Spell on the sign like I asked you to because you were daydreaming instead of paying attention like you should have been.”

  Behind Grimbledung, Dummy held up his two hands, interlaced his thumbs and flapped his mitten fingers then pointed at Grimbledung’s head.

  “Dummy.” Drimblerod scowled. “I am not in the mood for your antics right now.”

  Grimbledung turned to see what Dummy was doing who immediately put his hands behind his head as if he were stretching.

  “Cast the spell so we can get the sign in place and get back to business. I’ll go grease the skids with the Haberdashery owner.”

  “We don’t have to slide it, it’s light enough to carry, I think...” Began Grimbledung.

  “Don’t start with me,” warned Drimblerod as he headed for the curtain, “just get that spell up and running."

  Grimbledung took out his wand. “So, a Proximity Spell. I can do that,” he said. “I cast one of them as part of a Lust spell on a tavern wench once. She’d go completely bonkers whenever she was within ten paces of me.” Grimbledung reminisced, “ ‘Course, when she finally figured out what I had done, I couldn’t get within the range of a crossbow from her. And that I don’t have to tell you, is a lot farther than ten paces.” Grimbledung thought back to his younger days when as a panhandler, he had made enough to carouse every evening. Or at least every other evening. Now as a reputable business owner he didn’t know if he was even allowed to carouse anymore. No canoodling? That can’t be right. I’ll have to talk to Drim about that.

  “How about you just say you cast the spell, and I promise not to run away?” Suggested the sign, bringing Grimbledung out of his introspection. “It could
be our little secret.” The sign winked.

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Nope. Drimblerod asked me to do it and we’re partners, so I’m going to do it. Now be quiet so I can think up the spell.” Grimbledung put his hand on his chin as he thought. Casting spells required not only the right implement to channel the magical What’s This? but also the correct wording to make the spell work as intended. That was the difference between Magicians and Wizards. Magicians took a Levitate Wand and used it to pick up things. Wizards took any sort of Magical Wand and used it to channel What’s This? into a Levitate Spell. He mused on this and became completely confused. “That makes me a Magician then,” he thought sourly, “I hope that doesn’t mean I have to turn Drim into the Grand Council,” he said aloud.

  Beside him he heard the sound of scraping wood. The sign had scooted several feet away from him.

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “I figured since you were day dreaming again, I should just get to work.”

  “I was not daydreaming” said Grimbledung, “Now stay still and let me think of the spell. If I do it wrong, you’ll end up a pile of splinters,” he warned. “So ...” He mused, “I’ll just Affix the Proximity Spell to me, then you’ll have to stay nearby.” He raised his wand and incanted

  Mechanimated Sign creat ...

  “Stop!” Interrupted the sign, “Do not make it you! What if you go on an errand?” The wheel on the sign spun until it was a blur. “What if you get killed? What if you go and join a traveling minstrel show? What if you get hit on the head and forget who you are and walk away? What if you get drunk and stagger off? Do not make it you!”

  Grimbledung lowered his wand. “Don’t be absurd Sign. None of those things can happen.” Grim reconsidered the list. “Wait, well, maybe that last one might, now that I think about it.”

  “Make it something that is here in the shop.” The sign paused for the slightest of moments. “Maybe something easily carried. That would be convenient!”

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Not likely, Sign. Then you’ll scoot off the first chance you get. I’ll make it something in the shop, but not something you’re liable to snatch and dash with.”

  “Well, I cannot believe you would even accuse me of such a thing!” Said the sign in a hurt tone.

  Grimbledung raised an eyebrow at it.

  The sign pressed on, “Why I am offended that you would even suggest that. I think that to make amends, you should just not put any sort of spell on me. That way we will both learn to trust each other and have a long and prosperous relationship.”

  “That was the biggest load of Trollwash I’ve ever heard” said Grimbledung as he stuck out his tongue. “Now keep quiet while I work this out. These types of spells can be tricky to cast and if it gets messed up, things can get ...” He tried to think of an appropriately catastrophic word. He couldn’t. “Messy,” he finished.

  Grimbledung thought for several minutes and waggled his wand at the sign. He then raised his wand in the air, cleared his throat and incanted

  Mechanimated Sign created by me-

  Talking, winking, spinning and smiling.

  All this you will do

  And you do it with glee!

  Grimbledung furrowed his brow as he concentrated

  You are now limited to a distance that I demand!

  Three hundred paces of mine, not a Ghillie Dhu, Ogre, or a wee Korrigan

  Farther than that, and Boom! Pow! Crash!

  Into a THOUSAND pieces will you smash!

  Affixed to the Shop morning, night and noon.

  Always tied to this here proximity-

  ‘Twill be thing that floats out front on the street. The Moon!

  THAT will keep you tied to this vicinity.

  Grimbledung hacked and slashed the wand at the sign.

  “WAIT! Is that not supposed to rhyme better than that?” The sign thrashed its one arm and scooted again, this time towards Grimbledung.

  Grimbledung finished the incantation with a vicious jab at the sign. “Uh-oh. Now you did it.” Grimbledung lowered his wand.

  The sign’s eyes got huge. “What did I do? You are the one that cannot come up with a decent rhyming incantation!” It flailed its one arm as the spinning wheel went back and forth. It clinked and clattered with the sound of a downpour of gold coins.

  “The spell worked, you stupid sign.” Said Grimbledung as he put his wand away. “There was nothing to see since I was just adjusting the spell that was already in place. Until you messed it up.”

  ‘What did I do?” Whined the sign. “What did I do? Am I going to explode? And what’s a Gilliedoo or a Corrigan? You were just making up words!”

  “Those are both fine and proper creatures,” said Grimbledung as he hefted the sign off the ground. “I said three hundred paces and that’s how the spell was prepared but since you moved closer to me, I don’t think three hundred paces is still your actual safe range.” He grunted as he waddled his way toward the curtain. “Maybe we should grease some skids or something.” When he got to the curtain he dropped the sign harshly.

  “What does that mean? Actual safe range? Are you saying that I have to be closer than three hundred paces to you? How much closer?” The wheel on the sign was a blur as it spun. “You stupid Gnome! You messed up a simple spell and I have to pay for it!”

  Grimbledung reached out and grabbed the spinning wheel. It screeched to a halt. “You messed up the spell by moving, sign,” he growled. “I’m not the stupid one moving when an incantation is taking place. That would be you.” He jabbed his finger at the sign with his other hand, “And because you called me stupid, instead of just making the spell make the Mechanimate stop working, I made it so you will explode!”

  “But you cast the spell before I called you stupid!” Howled the sign.

  Grimbledung drew his wand, “Who’s the more stupider one now?” He smirked mischievously, “Who’s more stupider now? So now your range is less than three hundred of my paces. How much less, well, the only way to tell is for you to start moving away. When you explode, that’s just a little too far.” He pointed the wand at the sign’s head. “Or maybe I’ll be the one walking away from you.” He narrowed his eyes.

  Stay

  he commanded as he touched the wand to the sign’s forehead. Grimbledung ducked under the curtain.

  The sign grunted and flailed his arm. “I cannot move. What did you do to me?” The sign asked. “Do not go too far, Gnome!”

  Grimbledung ducked back under the curtain with a wand in his hand. “This will do the trick. Work smartlier not hardlier” my Pappy used to say.

  “Those are not words,” complained the sign.

  “Can you make your own way to the Outfitters?” Asked Grimbledung. He gestured through the curtain with a slight bow.

  The sign grunted as it tried to move. “Hardly,” replied the sign.

  “That’s not a word” sing-songed Grimbledung as he jabbed the wand at the sign. It rose silently off the floor. Grimbledung moved to position himself behind the sign. “Let us go” he continued in the sign’s voice. “We must have to go to the store do not we?” He mimicked. Grimbledung motioned forward with the wand and the sign bounced off the wall beside the curtain.

  “I do not talk like that,” said the sign.

  Grimbledung ignored it. “Oh dear. What I do not know how that are been happened.” Grimbledung maneuvered the sign through the curtain. As Grimbledung ducked under the curtain, he took his eyes off the sign which bounced off the counter before floating to the open area in front of the sign.

  “You have made your point, Gnome,” said the sign. “I will behave myself and be glad for my existence.”

  Grimbledung snapped his fingers at the door. “Let us out, door. We’ve got a sign to put in place.” Dutifully the door swung open. “Make sure you lock behind us,” said Grimbledung as he swung the sign around the door jam and stepped through it himself.

  With a click the door locked
.

  “Thanks, Gary.”