by Linda Taimre
Harriet’s thoughts, her being, swirled. Someone had tried to kill her, to destroy whatever was left of Katherine. She had never felt more relief than now, at the moment when Joe had come back to her. Every atom in her being relaxed with Joe’s return, with the feeling that meant she was no longer alone in the void. Harriet almost felt herself breathe again, as impossible as that was. She sought out the breath, the oxygen, the feeling of a body.
Harriet Braxton. I need you to concentrate. Your thoughts are disparate and liable to spill into me. But I need you to stay whole. You must remain you.
i am me i am relaxed you have returned
No, Harriet Braxton. Stay within yourself. Do not come to me.
There was a pulse of revulsion from Joe. Harriet felt it, heard it, it pushed her away, the same way the pulse from Katherine did, back when… back when what? There was something Harriet couldn’t understand about that image. Back when she…
When you were whole, Harriet Braxton. When you had a body. Do not forget that time, you must hold on.
a body when i had a body that is a time i i i can’t think of it i just want to be with you i can’t be alone here
This is not working. We must go quickly. Harriet Braxton I need to give you a choice. I cannot choose for humanity. I must atone for the wrongs I have done.
atone
The bullet hit Kiah in the shoulder, a burning metal chunk searing through her body. She screamed at the same time as Leena lunged, paring knife hurtling towards Steven’s face. He ducked and swung the gun around towards Leena’s body, shooting wildly. The small knife sunk into the flesh of his forearm. Steven yelled and pulled the trigger again and again as Leena moved the blade up and around, digging into his forearm and then punching it towards his neck. Kiah staggered backwards, holding her gunshot wound with her uninjured arm. She looked towards the coffee table, bullets resounding and piercing her eardrums. With a roar she rushed to get the gun on the table, trying to dodge the shots as she went. Leena’s knife glanced off Steven’s collarbone as a bullet lodged itself firmly in Leena’s abdomen. She fell back. Kiah lunged over the back of the couch, reaching towards the dull grey of the gun, clumsily falling on her injured arm. Steven strode to Kiah and grabbed her hair, jerking the woman back and pulling her away from the gun. He pushed Kiah back up against the wall, banging her head until she loosened her grip. Tripping over his own feet, Steven pointed his gun at Kiah’s head. One pull of the trigger, then a dead click punctured the heavy breathing, and no bullet emerged.
Kiah spat at him with a fair amount of her own blood. Steven’s adrenaline rushed through him as he checked the magazine. He glanced towards the coffee table, then back at Kiah, trying to judge whether he could safely turn his back on the injured woman. His eyes landed on the small paring knife now at Leena’s feet not three feet away. The doctor lay, silent. The Lord staggered forwards swiftly and fell on the blade, grasping it inexpertly in his sweaty hands and pointing it towards Kiah. She stared at it, her shoulder stopping her from making any more sudden movements. “Why are you doing this?”
The simple question threw Steven off guard, the pain in his victim’s eyes forcing him to stop for a moment. “I. I need to.”
“Why?”
He stared at Kiah, grey eyes into brown, terrified looking back at terrified. “My family.”
Kiah sighed, a small, quiet out-breath. Her arm was limp and she could barely move her eyes. She slumped down against the wall slowly, leaving a bloody trail on the wallpaper. She looked up at her assailant with wet, red eyes, arching her neck slightly to the right. I’m going to lose this battle. A thought struck Kiah. I never did message Mick about leaving work. I hope he knows I meant to.
Lord Fiennes slowly brought the knife forward, then punched it into Kiah’s side. It hit her ribs as Kiah threw herself forward and smashed her forehead into Steven’s nose, feeling it crumple like foil. I’m sorry, Mick , Kiah thought.
The two fell together, tangled and broken. Steven still held the knife and he jabbed blindly towards Kiah’s face as she tried to smother him with her body. It was small, and not very sharp, but one of Lord Fiennes’s random jabs found Kiah’s eyeball and she suddenly twitched. Steven felt warm blood pour from Kiah’s nose onto his wrist, her body now weighing down on his broken face, her wet clothes clogging his mouth. He grasped at the last of his life as Kiah lost hers.
Lady Trinh hauled herself up to her feet. She choked on now-unstoppable tears, gulping as she turned to face the general on screen. His face was pale with red, uneven blotches. He couldn’t raise his eyes to meet hers. She didn’t want him to, not just yet. This was a pain that they would have to bear individually, for a moment. The truth of reality, that there was such an opposite horror to the breath of life, this was a truth that they could not recognise. Lady Trinh nodded, to herself, trying to reassure herself that there was something that could be done, though what, she had no idea.
Lady Trinh. General.
The humans moved their heads slightly, jerking their chins down to acknowledge the sentience speaking to them through their thoughts.
I needed you to understand what I was fleeing. I need you to forgive me. And then I need to atone.
“It is now clear why you… fled.” Lady Trinh took long breaths between words. “You speak of atonement.”
Yes.
“How will you atone? Can you… restore those you have taken?”
No. That is not possible. The ones that have been fully integrated are a part of me and no longer exist as themselves. They cannot be released without my full dissolution.
The general stared at the ground as he spoke. “So break yourself up, that would be atonement.”
There was a silence in the room broken only by the long breaths drawn by the two leaders.
Is this what you require of me?
Long and the general looked at each other for the first time since experiencing the void. They were both as uncertain as each other. “Atonement. True atonement.” Lady Trinh took a tentative step towards Moorak’s face on the screen.
Yes. That is what I seek. Forgiveness.
“Forgiveness will never be given.” Lady Trinh’s mouth was set in a hard line as she spat out her words.
Never.
“Not from either of us.” The general glanced at Long as he spoke.
I had thought there was more mercy in humans.
“You picked the wrong humans to ask. I cannot ever forgive you.”
But you understand?
Lady Trinh thought of the void. “Yes. Yes, I understand.”
That will have to be enough.
Harriet Braxton. Do not fall apart.
i i i i i
Harriet you have seen the void. You are separate from me. You are not in me. I can return you.
you can return me what katherine katherine katherine katherine katherine
No, Harriet Braxton. I cannot fully restore her.
fully
Not fully. But partly, momentarily, momentarily.
YES
Harriet Braxton. My atonement must be complete. I could retreat permanently to the void. I will never die here. I will never take another being. I shall be shackled here.
here is hell that is what you deserve
Yes. It is Hell.
you have hurt katherine other people many many many
Yes. I have hurt others. I have hurt Katherine. I can stay here in this Hell.
or or
Or. I shall break myself up, I shall disintegrate my being, and all of the minds I consumed will be returned instantly.
returned
Returned in one body.
katherines body katherines body alive YES YES
Harriet Braxton you must wait. You must understand the choice you are making.
you die you pay YES YES YES YES katherine lives
If I do this, all the minds of my consciousness will be housed in Katherine’s body. Her mind will be a mere fraction of the mass. It is the highe
st likelihood that her mind will not survive. Without her mind, her body will wither.
i i i i i i i yes?yes?yes?yes?
You will have Katherine Leandros, but not complete. And then.
then what joe then what
I don’t know. She may live. She may die instantly. I don’t know.
why why why this
I have learnt much during my existence. Justice must be meted out by those whom the crime has affected the most. By my judgement, you, Harriet Braxton, are one who has suffered. We have no jury. You are my chosen jailer.
or executioner
Harriet felt hatred, and it burned as hatred should, but somewhere distant, it had no sharp edges. She was unable to remember her desire for vengeance against Joe.
Harriet Braxton. Your friends fight for you. You must make your choice soon.
Harriet’s mind, such as it was, tried to grasp onto the edges of conscious thought. She poured all her energy into framing the two options in her mind, into holding them as clearly as she could within the limits of her atoms. Banishment. Or Katherine. That was all she could see. All she could know. Banishment. Or Katherine.
katherine
This is your choice, Harriet Braxton?
katherine this is. Yes. I. Choose. Katherine.
Very well, Harriet Braxton. I shall now die.
Joe brought herself abruptly into the Earth-bound universe, pushing herself to the fore of as many minds as she could reach. There was an instant of feeling, warmth, hope, fear, truth, frozen toes and sweaty palms, of curling tongs and the smelling of burning, of a 45 th birthday and the sting of whiskey, a dog bite and a child falling over, an orgasm, a kiss, an embrace, a punch, the thrill of discovery, the taste of fruitcake and lemon. Joe buzzed with the human experience and lingered, almost too long. She struggled against the sensations.
This is what I want. Break now. Break now. Break now. I can’t. BREAK NOW.
Instantly, Joe directed all of herself, all her considerable consciousness into one geographical point. With a finality that was sodden with despair, she broke herself making a bridge between the worlds, that Katherine and Harriet may fall out of her mind and into the Earth.
I hope
Lady Trinh and General Moorak heard it. The thoughtvoice of Joe.
I hope
They looked at each other through the screen. The final thought of Joe contained such sadness and fear that Lady Trinh reached out towards the screen, a vain effort to seek comfort in the arms of the general. He looked back with the same need for support, sinking into the depths of the death of an enormous power.
Steven grunted, heaving Kiah’s dead body off his face. Suddenly, Katherine and Harriet appeared on the carpet with a shucking noise, and a buzz of electricity ran through his body, sparking the paring knife out of his hand. Harriet gasped, overwhelmed by the sudden return of sensation, her senses were burning, she scratched at the carpet with brittle nails and gurned her jaw, eyes wide and popping. I’m back. I’m back. “I’m back here, I’m back I’m back. It worked.” Harriet threw herself towards her love and grasped at her face with shaking hands. “Katherine! Katherine, Katherine I’m here. You’re here, I’m here, Katherine.”
Steven Fiennes stumbled back as Harriet leaned over Katherine. His knees gave way and he fell to the floor and slipped on the blood that had run from Kiah. There was a skull-crack as he hit the wall. Kiah’s eye stared blankly at Lord Fiennes’s limp form.
“Katherine my love, my baby, here, I’m here.” Harriet barely noticed Steven’s fall to the ground. She couldn’t see the blood from her friend, she could only sob as she propped Katherine up against her body. Panicked, she scrambled for a pulse and found one, strong and fast, faster than should be possible. Harriet saw that Katherine had opened her eyes and was staring at her, frozen in space yet alive, gloriously, amazingly alive. “Katherine!” Harriet laughed, a manic sound borne of disbelief and joy. “You’re alive!”
Harriet pulled Katherine into a hug, an embrace so strong that her vertebrae clicked, she began frantically kissing her face, smothering her in a love so unstoppable and strong that she had to pull back just to remember to breathe. Katherine didn’t move. She stared. Her eyes started quivering. Harriet paused, an edge of horror creeping into her mind. “Katherine…” She touched her face gently, warily. “What’s happened?”
Tears began to form in Katherine’s eyes, still wide open. Now Harriet saw something there. Terror.
“What’s wrong, Katherine, tell me, what’s wrong?”
“I am –”
There was only enough time for Katherine to speak these two words before she screamed, her brain filled with the death of thousands of minds, each as confused and as scared as she, each not understanding what had happened, each only remembering the final moment of the most painful experience of their life, each remembering the Wrenching. Human brains are not meant to retain their own death, they cannot compute the understanding of their own demise, their own decay. And yet, Katherine’s mind had thousands of consciousnesses within it, all fighting and clawing with terror at the tenuous grip that Katherine’s own consciousness retained on the edges of her brain. She screamed and screamed as her thoughts were drowned, her mind was buried under the weight of a thousand histories and it was pulled under, left no space, left no air. It was torn from its restraints and suddenly there was no Katherine to be separate from the weight of these minds. Her consciousness was free from the form of her body, free and lost, slopped into the soup of fear that her brain now hosted, irretrievable.
Katherine fell silent and her tears stopped. Harriet yelled her name, called and pulled at her hands, kissed her face with a frantic fear that left teeth marks on her cheek, on her arms. Katherine’s eyes remained open and unblinking, yet now, now there was nothing there to read that Harriet could understand. Katherine’s body was breathing. Her mind was incomprehensible, her mind was now something that could never be saved nor interpreted. It was no longer her own mind. It would never outrun the vastness, it would never know anything but the smothering nothing. It saw only inwards. It saw only terror.
Harriet pushed back against the wall, breathing hard with fear, staring into the open eyes of her love. She willed them to blink and turn to Harriet, to wash away the dull nothing that stared out, but they stayed still and dark. Katherine’s breath softly moved a strand of hair. Revulsion welled up in Harriet at this mockery of Katherine’s actual life. With desperation, she looked around her, and for the first time, she noticed the destruction that lay in her apartment. “Kiah, no.”
She scrambled across the floor to her friend and looked at her ruined face. Harriet’s eyes prickled hot as she searched for a pulse. She found none. With a cry, she lurched across to the body of a man she did not know. It was warm, but again, no pulse. There was too much carnage for her to bear and Harriet spun away from the bodies, heaving onto the carpet of the living room.
Shakily, she stood, tears mixing with sweat and vomit. Her body was hot, her heart battered against its cage. She looked at Katherine then immediately turned away, covering her face with bloody hands as she couldn’t stand seeing her staring, so lost, so blank, so dead and yet hauntingly still living.
Joe. You warned me.
Harriet saw Leena in the corner. She stumbled towards her with a heavy heart. With uncertain fingers, she found a pulse. Harriet felt no joy, no urgency, but the automatic processes of her brain pushed her to call an ambulance. She spoke briefly, only to say there was an emergency, then crawled back to Katherine. Harriet moved in a haze, there was something that couldn’t be understood by her brain. She found her arms of her love and held her by the hands, forcing herself to not be scared by the warmth of her body despite the void of her eyes. “Katherine.”
Harriet almost didn’t trust the first movement of Katherine’s hand, the smallest change in the strength of her grip. Then she felt it, again. There was a squeeze, the tiniest moment. Harriet looked into Katherine’s eyes that were stuck op
en a little too wide. There was still nothing readable. “Are you there?”
Harriet shifted her weight and just as she did, she thought she felt the squeeze of her hand again, though she couldn’t be sure. Then, with a soft nod, Katherine’s body finally failed, utterly depleted by the thousands of minds that had invaded her. “No, Katherine, no no. Was that you, at the end? Was that you?” Harriet spoke softly now, as though the quieter she spoke, the closer she could get to the real Katherine, her real mind. “That was you, I think. I don’t know, but I think it was and I have to think it was. You were there, then, you were there. Do you blame me for choosing you?”
She gasped with a sudden sob of guilt. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry my love, I did that to you. I chose that. I’m sorry. I can’t ever change that. I can’t ever… I can’t ever promise that I wouldn’t do it again. I can’t ever walk away from you.” Harriet lay back on the floor, still holding Katherine’s hand. Tears fell down her face as she felt guilt engulf her. Kiah. Oh God Kiah too. Her heart ached and she scratched against the flesh of Katherine, almost hoping to bring her back with the grip of her nails, though the rest of her body was too heavy to move.
I chose. And I chose the wrong choice. I chose wrong. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her.
There was a sound of ringing. A communicator. Harriet couldn’t register it, almost didn’t hear it. It rang out. There was a brief silence, broken only by Harriet’s slow breathing. It rang again. Communicator. It rang again. Shush shush. No no comms. The constant ringing drilled into Harriet’s brain. When it started for the fifth time, she growled and hauled herself up, letting go of Katherine’s hand. Harriet lurched towards the sound, finding the offending item in the man’s jacket pocket. Uncaring and rash, she yelled into it. “What?”
Lady Trinh winced at the volume. “Who is this?”
“Who is THIS.”
“Lady Trinh. I was hoping to speak to Lord Fiennes.”