by Jade Kerrion
“Damn it, Lily. I didn’t even think about the wedding until Anna mentioned it. Those details—I just didn’t remember them—not when my whole life went to shit the week after. Hell, it took all my energy to remember to sleep and eat.”
Something flashed in her eyes. Was it guilt or shame? No, it was neither, Michael realized. In fact, it looked a great deal like empathy, but she couldn’t have possibly felt that gut-wrenching ache over a relationship she had thrown aside without a backward glance.
Lily swallowed hard. “If you had remembered, would you have—no, don’t answer that question. I can see it in your eyes.” She shook her head. “I should have known better than to expect more out of you.”
“More?” His frayed temper snapped. “What gives you the right to walk in here, like you’re the injured party, and expect me to defend you, no questions asked? Trust is earned, but you broke it when you left me for my brother.”
“What I did—”
Michael bared his teeth in a snarl. “I get that you wanted the golden boy instead of me.” A muscle in his cheek twitched. Actually, he didn’t understand why Lily had chosen his brother over him. Perhaps it was the reason her decision still hurt so much; it didn’t make any sense. Bitterness knotted in the middle of his chest. “You can’t come back to town, explain nothing, and yet by your silence, your very stance, demand that I believe you.”
“I’m not—”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore—the girl I loved for six years or the woman I hated for three.”
“Let me fucking finish!”
Her curse word jolted through Michael. Lily—his Lily—never swore. His gaze flashed to Miki, who stood watching the heated exchange with wide-eyed fascination, before darting back to Lily.
The line of Lily’s jaw was taut. “She’s heard and seen far worse.”
Including witnessed her mother get shot by her father. Michael winced. It had to be the worst possible thing for any child to see. Curse words paled in comparison. He forced himself to lower his voice although tension kept his hands curled into fists. “Did you and Raphael argue a lot?”
“He never argued; that was part of the problem.” Her voice was bitter.
Michael’s eyes widened. “He didn’t hit you, did he?”
Lily darted him a quick glance and then looked away. “No.”
She was lying. Damn it, he knew when she was lying. Instinct drove him forward to embrace her.
She stunned him by retreating.
Anger tightened his fists until his fingernails dug into the palms of his hands. “What did Raphael do to you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“He hurt you. Badly.” The hollow roaring through his mind was nothing compared to the fury that clawed through him. Raphael had broken something in Lily, not just in the instant when he shot her, but also over a long and sustained period of time.
She turned away from him. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t need to be rescued or saved.”
He stared at her back as she guided Miki out of the swimming pool area. His tangled thoughts strangled his words in his throat. What the hell!
~*~
With tears clogging her throat, Lily had immediately returned home and turned Miki over to Nancy. She couldn’t deal with her daughter just then—not when Miki stared so innocently at her with eyes the same gold-flecked green color as the eyes that had glared at her so accusingly at her at the community center.
Michael had made her lose her cool resolve. The fury in his voice when he thought Raphael had hurt her—Lily swallowed hard through the lump in her throat—it was almost as if he still cared for her.
But he couldn’t possibly. Not after what she had done to him.
The best thing—the only thing—was to stay focused on why she had returned to Portsmouth, and it had nothing to do with her relationship with Michael. The only way to do that was to keep busy and focus, not on what she had lost, but on what she still had.
She spent the rest of the afternoon working in the yard. She weeded out the redbrick trimmed flower bed and planted rows of asters, interspersing the lavender-colored flowers with the pink and white asters. The sun beat down on her uncovered head, but Miki kept her supplied with half-full glasses of lemonade and half-eaten ice cream cones. The other half, Lily suspected, had ended up in Miki’s stomach.
By the time dusk crept across the sky, that section of the garden had been weeded, replanted, fertilized, and mulched. The subtle scent of the red cedar mulch wafted toward her. She sighed and rolled her shoulders. It had been a good day, she reflected. She was safe. Miki was safe. Her parents’ resources guaranteed that her every need would be provided. What more could she ask for?
Michael’s face flashed through her mind.
She shoved the image away and pushed to her feet, dusting off her hands. Her whirl of her tumultuous emotions had, for the most part, settled down enough for her to handle her daughter once more.
Dinner was a simple, though—with Miki—messy affair, consisting of roast chicken, grilled summer vegetables, and mashed potatoes with gravy. After dinnertime came bath time. The whirlpool tub in the master bathroom, which was large enough for four adults, scarcely accommodated Lily and Miki, who was determined to swim the length of the tub several times.
Miki did take after her father, Lily mused.
Somehow, the thought no longer rubbed her raw the way it used to.
After the extended bath, Lily and Miki, wearing matching Disney princess pajamas, snuggled in the king-sized bed together to read a book off Lily’s electronic tablet. Miki wriggled and squirmed as she did every night, before finding a cozy spot in the crook of Lily’s arm. For several moments, the only sound in the room was of Lily’s voice reading an incongruous story of an alien who was mistaken for a pet dog.
“Going swimming again?” Miki asked unexpectedly.
Lily peered down but all she could see was the top of Miki’s head. She raised herself up on her elbow and looked at her precious daughter. Miki looked unusually pensive, as if worn down into quiet patience after a long day full of activity.
“Why do you ask?”
“Because you shout.”
Oh, Lily had wanted to do a great deal more than just shout at Michael. She stroked Miki’s head. “Don’t worry. You’ll be going swimming again.”
“Like Mister Mike.” Miki snuggled closer to Lily. “But no daddies,” she said emphatically. “Daddies are bad.”
Lily’s heart wrenched. Miki was too young to be as jaded as she was. “Not all daddies are bad.”
“Daddies are bad,” Miki repeated. “Don’t want Daddy.” The firmness of her tone left no room for debate.
“I know, Miki. I know.” Blinking back tears, Lily stroked her daughter’s hair as Miki closed her eyes and drifted to sleep. Lily, too, allowed emotional exhaustion to draw her into deep sleep.
~*~
Swift strokes carried Michael forward through the water. His fingertips touched the wall of the swimming pool and he coiled, twisting with weightless grace to push off the wall yet again and propel himself through the water for another lap. He had lost count of his laps, but it didn’t matter. He hadn’t come for the exercise. He had come because he needed to think.
His trained body went through familiar, repetitive motions. His mind relaxed, drifted, carried along by the water that flowed over him and under him. It provided resistance while supporting him. It cocooned him in silence and shut out the world around him.
It allowed him to be alone with himself, his thoughts, and his emotions.
It forced him to face the truth.
Lily.
He was still in love with Lily, as much as he had ever been.
Somehow, here in the water, that realization didn’t bother him as much as he had thought it would. Here, in the water, he would always find the strength to cope with life’s challenges.
He reached the far wall of the pool and twisted around f
or another lap. He ignored the low burn in his muscles, the only indicator of time passing by.
Had it been an hour? Two?
It didn’t matter. He was in the zone.
When he was in the water, everything seemed as clear as the tiles at the bottom of the pool. Whichever way he turned, whichever line he followed, he would always reach the wall. He would always reach safety. Here, in the water, with his mind and body perfectly attuned to the other, he knew the right answers.
But with Lily, he didn’t have infinite lines or guaranteed answers. Nothing had changed between them, and yet everything had.
He had only two options. He had to learn to cope with not having her, or he needed her to get the hell out of town.
Michael grimaced.
His concentration flickered. His rhythm broke.
Damn it.
His body resisted what his mind had instinctively known. Neither of those were the right answers. He ground his teeth and pushed aside thoughts of Lily until his body settled into a steady pace. He broke the surface for air and felt his mind sink into the zone, relaxed yet aware.
Two options…
As he churned through the water, he stared down at the tiles, the straight lines leading to the walls, to safety.
Lily.
Questions lay unanswered between them, but he didn’t need answers as to why she had left him. His own heartache could wait. Here, in the water, the wrenching sense of loss and betrayal didn’t hurt less, but it mattered less.
He didn’t know why she had come back to Portsmouth, but it was no longer important. He knew why he was in Portsmouth; he knew what he had to do.
Lily was drowning in hurt, in pain, in whatever Raphael had done to her. He had to bring her back to the wall, back to safety.
That was the answer.
His fingertips touched the wall. Instead of twisting around for another lap, Michael grabbed the side of the pool and pulled himself out of the water. He sat at the edge of the pool, his legs still in the water and his shoulders slumped with exhaustion.
“Long workout.” Hakon’s voice broke into his thoughts.
Michael glanced back, and his towel smacked him in the face. Muttering his thanks, he dried his hair and face, and then threw the tower over his shoulders. The pool complex at the athletic center was empty except for him and Hakon. “How late is it?”
“Almost midnight.”
Michael frowned. “Why are you here?”
“Someone has to make sure you don’t over do it.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
Hakon nodded. “I know. You went on and on like you would swim forever. Thinking long thoughts?”
Michael inhaled deeply. “I need to make a drive into New York and Boston, probably some time next week. Talk to a couple of people. I’ll need someone to cover the swim teams on those days.”
“Sure thing. Just let me know when.”
“Thanks, Coach.” He pushed wearily to his feet.
“You take care of yourself, Michael,” Hakon said. “The last time you swam like this, you were going through some pretty big life changes.”
“That’s just the thing, Coach. Life never stops changing.”
CHAPTER SIX
Michael woke early on his day off, filled a travel mug with coffee, and braced himself for the insanity of driving into New York City. Music kept his thoughts from lingering on Lily. His muscles ached subtly, reminding him that he would rather be swimming, but not all of life’s problems could be solved within the four corners of the swimming pool.
New York City welcomed him with traffic and chaos that made his head spin and his lungs clog up. The GPS on his phone talked him through the madness and found him a parking spot. He scrambled into the waiting room of the district attorney’s office five minutes before his appointment with Lily’s lawyer.
Promptly at 10 a.m., a young woman in a black suit walked over to him. “Mr. Falconer? Let me show you to Mr. Cruz’s office.”
“Thank you,” Michael said. He had pulled a blazer over his long-sleeve shirt and khaki pants, but he was still underdressed for a New York City law practice, even if it was just the district attorney’s office.
Gabriel Cruz was about ten years older than Michael, and still in the prime of his life. His dark gray suit emphasized his clean cut and polished image; his smile was steady and his handshake firm.
Michael stared at Gabriel and wondered why he didn’t resent the lawyer more. After all, Gabriel had put Raphael away for life. But then again, Gabriel had won Lily the justice she deserved. For the first time since the conclusion of his brother’s court case, Michael did not find himself grinding his teeth in frustration over the vague feeling that justice had not been entirely served.
“Mr. Falconer, what can I do for you?” Gabriel asked as he gestured to the chair across from his desk. His windowless office was small but tidy, likely a far cry from his previous office. He had once been Lily’s divorce attorney but, if rumors were true, he had given up his lucrative partnership in a private law firm to become a district attorney and represent Lily in her attempted murder case against her ex-husband.
It was more evidence, if Michael needed it, of how Lily could drive men to do crazy, unaccountable things—even men who looked as cool and levelheaded as Gabriel Cruz. Michael took a seat across from Gabriel. “Thank you for seeing me. I wanted to talk to you.”
“About your brother?”
“And Lily Herald.”
Gabriel shook his head. “The trial proceedings are public record, of course, but I can’t speak about the case otherwise.”
“But Lily won’t talk to me and I know there’s more to the story.”
“I’m sorry you came all this way, thinking I might be able to help you, but I can’t. Client confidentiality.”
“You know she’s back in Portsmouth, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“She hasn’t told anyone why she’s there.”
A half smile tugged up the corner of Gabriel’s mouth. “That’s her prerogative, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but I don’t understand why she would put herself in that situation.”
“And what situation would that be?”
“It’s a small town and she’ll always be the outsider. The environment’s got to be toxic for her—the blatant support for my parents and for Raphael; the fact that almost everyone seems to think she did something wrong for Raphael to shoot her—”
“Do you?” Gabriel asked.
“Do I what?”
Gabriel’s gaze was intent. “Do you also believe that she did something wrong?”
Michael’s chest sagged as he exhaled a sigh. “I thought so, at first. I mean, he’s my brother, and a junior pastor at a mega church. He always says the right thing, does the right thing. And Lily…Lily just has a way of making a guy’s head spin, you know? I was convinced she was responsible, somehow, but then she came back and I realized how much she had changed.” He dragged his hands through his hair. “Now I can’t help thinking…in fact, I know there’s much more to the story. I just don’t know what. Lily won’t tell me.”
“And you know I can’t tell you either. I’m sorry.”
Michael sensed Gabriel truly meant it too. “I don’t know what else—”
“Is there someone else you can talk to?”
Michael gritted his teeth. “Lily’s parents, I suppose. But the Falconer name is not welcomed in their home. I tried to call for an appointment. They wouldn’t see me.”
Gabriel’s lips curved into a thin smile. “That, perhaps, I can help you with. Would you give me a few minutes to make a call?”
“Sure.” Hope surged through Michael. As Gabriel reached for the phone, Michael stared at his entwined fingers and drew in a deep breath. Dimly, he heard Gabriel’s voice, but the attorney’s deep baritone faded into white noise. Without effort, Michael summoned a mental image of Lily. That flicker of instinctive fear in her eyes made his throat close up every tim
e.
In an instant, it had changed everything.
“Michael,” Gabriel’s voice recalled him to the present. The district attorney held out a phone. “It’s Elizabeth Herald.”
Michael’s eyes widened. Damn, that was fast. He hadn’t been able to get past the personal assistant’s assistant. He grabbed the phone. “Mrs. Herald?”
“Michael Falconer.” The voice was cool, but Michael could handle cool. The cold shoulder was all he had gotten from Lily in the past two weeks anyway.
Gabriel took several steps away, out of Michael’s line of sight, but Michael was aware that he did not leave the office.
Elizabeth asked, “How are Lily and Miki?”
“They’re okay, everything considered.”
“If you’re calling to have us talk Lily into returning to Cambridge, you won’t succeed. Her father and I tried everything we could to keep her from going to Portsmouth.”
“You did?”
“Of course. There’s no possible reason for Lily to go back there—nothing that she can salvage out of the situation.”
Salvage? Michael frowned. So Lily wasn’t out for revenge? “Mrs. Herald, why did Lily come back?”
The woman laughed. “If you don’t know, Michael, then Lily has obviously decided not to tell you, and if you can’t guess, it begs the question then of how well you think you know her.”
Michael scowled. Why did women’s answers to questions only create more unanswerable questions? Did some kind of logical fallacy or emotional quirk in their DNA inspire mental cruelty?
“It’s Miki, isn’t it?” Michael asked. “She’d do anything for Miki.”
“Of course she would,” Elizabeth said in a matter-of-fact tone. “We would do anything for our children. Now, if you have nothing else to say, put Gabriel back on.”
Michael turned and handed the phone to Gabriel. His mind knotted around the scant facts. All right, if revenge wasn’t on Lily’s agenda, what was? Had Lily brought Miki back to introduce her to her grandparents? If so, why hadn’t Lily made any moves in that direction?
He grimaced. What was she supposed to do? His parents did not leave the house, which meant she could not engineer an accidental meeting, and of course, he hadn’t considered inviting her over.