by Jade Kerrion
“No.” She managed a shaky smile. Even after she had left him and broken his heart, he had created their shared vision as they had imagined it. “It’s perfect.”
Michael looked around the chapel. “It’s a work-in-progress, but it’s getting there. It has come a long way in three years.” His green-eyed gaze rested on her. “Is it what you hoped it would be?”
“I think you know it is,” she said quietly. She glanced at Miki, who climbed onto the couch and appeared content to press buttons on the television remote control in search of the Disney channel. “What will you do with this place once you’ve finished restoring it?”
Michael shrugged. “Hadn’t thought that far ahead. I put in a few hours every day, but I’m the only one doing the work. It’ll be years before it’s done. Figured I wasn’t in a rush. I’m still waiting for the right person to share it with.”
His steady gaze set off flutters in the pit of her stomach. She swallowed hard. “Would you like any help? I can work on the landscaping—flowers, trees. I also have some interior decorating ideas.”
“Yeah, I recall you did.” His tone was neutral, but the hopeful gleam in his eyes gave her courage. He reached across the kitchen island, his hand turned palm up. He waited.
Lily braced herself before setting her trembling hand in his. Their hands fit perfectly together, as they always had.
She had never thought of herself as lacking courage, but now, faced with the realization that her future could still include Michael, she didn’t dare believe in his capacity for forgiveness.
Especially when she had not yet explicitly asked for it or told him why she had left him for Raphael.
CHAPTER NINE
The next day, Michael walked out of his house and squinted against the glare of the mid-morning sun. Sound and motion flurried around him, and he stepped back to avoid getting run over by two men rolling a flatbed loaded with potted shrubs.
He waved at Lily, who stood by the curb supervising several men as they unloaded plants from a large truck. She waved back and returned her attention to the small tablet she was holding.
He trotted over to her. “What is this?”
“Invoice. Making sure everything I ordered arrived.”
“No, I meant this.” He gestured to encompass the chaos around his chapel.
“Landscaping. You said I could.”
“I didn’t know you were going to start right away.” He certainly hadn’t expected her to recruit a small army to help, either.
Lily shrugged. “No point letting grass grow under our feet.” Together, they stared as a flatbed stacked high with grass sods rolled out of the truck. “That was probably not the best analogy,” she conceded with a chuckle. Her smile widened into a grin. The years between them fell away, and for a moment, it was the two of them, as it had always been intended to be.
Their gazes locked. Her eyes were blue as the water he loved. He would have willingly drowned in them. “Lily, I…” What was he supposed to say? I love you? I want you? I don’t care about our past. I don’t give a crap that you married my brother as long as you’re here with me now?
Her eyes seemed to look straight into his heart. As if she understood, her lips parted in a prelude to a kiss.
Oh, God, he needed her back in his life. Michael reached out and caressed her cheek with a gentle hand.
She froze at his touch.
So did he.
A flicker of shame chased the flash of fear across her features before they smoothed into her usual, impenetrable calm.
“Lily—”
“I have lots to do here.” She turned her back on him. “Don’t you have to get to the athletic center?”
Yes, he did, and he was late, but the real crisis was right in front of him. He ground his teeth. What the fuck did you do to her, Raphael?
~*~
After another two days of zero emotional progress with Lily, Michael reached his limit on not getting meaningful answers from anyone. Gabriel Cruz was out of the question, as were Lily’s parents. Nancy, even if she knew, was unlikely to “tell” on her employer.
Confronting Lily was the least workable option. She had made it clear she wasn’t planning on talking. He would have been prepared to wait it out if the only person hurting was him, but he couldn’t. Not when Lily’s silent suffering shrieked at him.
He would do anything for her. He had always known it, but somehow, the thought no longer bothered him. It was okay to do anything for the woman he loved, even though she had broken his heart.
It was what love was, after all. It didn’t make him a fool. It just meant his love was stronger than himself.
Michael went for a long swim that afternoon. His thoughts churned against his problems as his body churned through the water. Two hours later, he came up with only one solution. As soon as he dried off and changed, he set off in search of the answer.
He pushed his shoulder against the door of the Wave Café. It was empty as it usually was in the mid-afternoon. Perfect. Exactly what he’d been hoping for.
“Hi, Michael,” Katie called from behind the counter where she hunched over a computer notebook. “Did you come in here looking for Anna? It’s her day off.”
“I know. I came in here to talk to you.”
Katie’s eyes widened. “Me?”
Michael nodded.
“Is it about Lily?”
Michael stared at Katie. She was a slim young woman, a year younger than he was. He hadn’t really known her despite their overlapping years at school. Her dark hair, cropped close to her head, combined with her huge brown eyes gave her the look of a mischievous pixie. He rested his elbows on the counter. “Actually, I wanted to ask about Raphael.”
Her face paled instantly.
Michael reached across the counter and laid his hand over hers, but immediately let go when she yanked away. Damn it, she was as skittish as Lily.
And they had Raphael in common.
He gritted his teeth. “Sorry, I… It’s just that something’s eating Lily up. She won’t talk about it. No one who might know seems willing to talk about it. I can’t help her, and it’s driving me crazy. I just thought…you dated Raphael once too, and I wondered, maybe you might know. Maybe she spoke to you.”
“I…” The quick, nervous glances Katie darted around the café reminded him of a trapped animal looking for an escape route.
He took several steps back. “I didn’t mean to bring back any bad memories. I just thought you might have some ideas on how I could reach her again.”
Katie looked at him; her lips pressed together, her eyes shadowed. Three years post-Raphael, she was still terrified.
His brother was an asshole, Michael concluded with a low growl of frustration. More than an asshole. He had left damaged women in his wake, and one of them was the woman he loved. “Katie, please. Lily is everything to me, and I have to know how to help her.”
“What if she can’t be helped?” Katie asked in a tiny voice.
Michael stared at her. “Anyone can be helped.”
“You can’t turn back the clock.”
“I’m not trying to. What I want is a way to move forward.”
“Is there?” Her voice trembled. “A way forward, past all the pain?”
“Always. It’s not easy. It takes guts. But there’s always a way forward.”
Katie chewed on her lower lip. The silence filled the space between them.
Michael bit back a curse as he turned to leave the café, but Katie called out, “You really love her, don’t you?”
He looked over his shoulder. “Yes, I do.”
“Good.” Katie’s smile was unsteady, but it held. “Maybe I had someone like you after Raphael left me, I might have been okay too.”
“Does that mean you’ll tell me what Raphael did to Lily?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know what Raphael did to Lily. She didn’t tell me.”
“But that day, in the café—”
“When
Lily and Anna fought? I told Lily what Raphael did to me. I thought she might understand. She did.” Her fingers twisted the hem of her T-shirt into a knot. “I needed someone to talk to, after all these years.”
Michael’s jaw dropped. “You haven’t told anyone? Not even your sister?”
Katie shook her head. “I couldn’t.” She swallowed hard. “Raphael doesn’t hit. He doesn’t shout. What he does, it breaks you, on the inside. I couldn’t tell anyone; Raphael said no one would ever believe me, and he was right.”
“We would have believed you.”
“Would you?” Katie raised her gaze to Michael. “Didn’t you, like everyone else, once think that Lily must have done something terrible for Raphael to shoot her?”
Michael flushed.
She turned her face away. “Sit down, Michael, I’ll tell you what he did to me, and maybe it will help you reach Lily.”
CHAPTER TEN
Lily spread the last of the mulch over the flower bed, and then sat back on her heels to admire the altered landscape around the old chapel. Money and time went a long way toward sprucing up the place. She had purchased mature trees for the yard, including a Japanese red maple and several flowering wisterias. The crew who maintained her three-acre vacation home had planted the trees and filled the flower beds with bright perennials. Teenagers on summer break had been hired to power wash the white stone bricks that surrounded the flower beds and to coat them with layers of clear, protective paint. Finally, the yard was covered with grass sod.
As she stood back and took in the picture-perfect view, she counted the investment well worth the return.
Lily glanced over her shoulder as Michael’s car pulled up at the curb. They had not spent any time alone since she had frozen at his touch several days earlier. What galled her was the realization that she had been more capable of dealing with the situation when she thought her heart and his were not at stake. The moment she realized he still cared deeply for her, she had become an emotional basket case.
Freud would have a field day with me. Why does happiness make me fragile?
Happiness wasn’t the problem, she realized. An emotional minefield still lay ahead of her, and every mine in there had the potential of breaking Michael’s heart, yet again.
If he didn’t care, then it didn’t matter. But he did.
She couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him again, but if there was a way around it, she didn’t see it.
Michael got out of his vehicle, his hair still damp from his shower at the gym. A duffle bag slung over a shoulder.
She tossed him a tentative smile. “What do you think?”
The grin spreading across his face warmed her. He walked over to her. “More progress in a week than I would have made in three years. How much did it all cost?” His hand rested on her shoulder.
She held her breath. Force of will kept her from jolting or shaking off his hand. Her hands tensed into fists as she held her ground, not against Michael but against her memories. After a moment, the clawing fear passed and she relaxed into the present moment. I’m getting stronger, she realized. With every day that passed, she was leaving more of Raphael behind.
“Wasn’t keeping track.” She waved his concern away. Don’t lean, she told herself, but it was hard not to. She’d forgotten how safe Michael made her feel, how precious she felt in his arms.
“Come on in. Mrs. Hollander just paid me in cookies—”
“She did what?”
“Baked chocolate chip cookies as payment for her granddaughter’s swimming lessons this month.”
Lily laughed. “Must be some chocolate chip cookies.”
“The best ever.” He looked around. “You’re done out here, right? Come on in.” He unlocked the front door and ushered her in before him. The door closed behind him. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been at the athletic center. Swimming.”
She shrugged. “It’s fine. I had my own work to do.”
“The work’s done,” he said quietly. He walked forward, forcing her to retreat step by step until her lower back bumped against the kitchen island. “What excuses are we going to use now?”
She jolted slightly when his duffle bag hit the stone tiles, but did not move when he tilted her chin up. He leaned down. His breath caressed her cheek as he whispered against her ear. “An entire week of casual greetings and passing glances. You’re driving me crazy.” He turned his head as if to kiss her, but did not make contact. “Can I? Will you let me?”
No, her mind screamed.
Yes, her heart pleaded.
“It’s your move, Lily. Whenever you’re ready.”
No, no, no.
Yes, damn it, yes. Move! Before you lose him, before he walks away, move!
She seized his face in both hands and leaned forward to kiss him. The contact jolted through her and switched her mind off. Michael… She parted her lips as he responded with equal heat and equal need. He claimed her mouth, their tongues tangling as they drew on the same breath. She whimpered into the kiss and arched up against him as his hand caressed up her back and down along her side. His grip on her was stronger than she recalled, and the mouth that moved away from hers to trail kisses down her neck sent sizzles of sensation through her, each one darting down to ignite the heat between her thighs.
His erection was a hard ridge pressing against his denim jeans. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she rubbed against him, wanting more of him, all of him. Her need was like a wild animal clawing to get out, yet the words caught in her throat.
Her small hands fisted in his shirt. Tears of frustration stung her eyes. Why couldn’t she get the words out?
Michael pulled back slightly. His green eyes met hers. Concern layered over the glaze of desire in his eyes.
Her grip tightened on him. Don’t go. Don’t leave me. She buried her face against his chest. Don’t let me go, ever.
“Do you want me to make love to you?” The gentleness in his voice nearly shattered her.
She nodded wordlessly. Shame kept her eyes closed.
He scooped her up in his arms, carried her into his bedroom, and laid her on the bed. She turned away from him and from the blaze of sunlight to curl on her side. The sheets smelled of Michael; she gripped them to anchor against the memories of another man who had treated her like a whore.
She heard the sound of blinds tugging. The light on the other side of her closed eyelids faded to darkness. Michael knew. Somehow, he understood what she needed even without her uttering a word. His weight pressed down on the bed beside her. Her eyes flashed open. With trembling hands, she reached for him.
Michael took her cold fingers between his warm hands. “Don’t. Let me do this. It’s all about you. Just relax.” He pressed a kiss to her fingers. “Close your eyes.”
She did, but her body remained tense. Her hands clutched at the sheets. Questions fluttered through her mind. Did Michael know how long it had been since—what would he say when he saw her scars—how could he possibly still love her—?
Music wafted through the room, soft and low. Instantly, she recognized the tune from the relaxation CD she had purchased for him years ago. She heard the sound of Michael striking a match and cracked open an eyelid in time to watch him light a candle. Moments later, a faint vanilla fragrance drifted toward her.
She could hardly swallow past the lump in her throat. How could Michael have known that such tenderness was exactly what she needed—the slow and gentle easing back into physical intimacy?
The mattress sank with his weight.
“I’ve missed you,” he said softly. “Missed seeing you and feeling my heart stop for a beat. Missed hearing you and feeling my heart race.” His hands eased her turtleneck over her head, supporting her neck as he did so, before tugging the piece of clothing away and setting it aside.
She shuddered. Her fingers tightened against the sheets, and she squeezed her eyes to hold back the tears. He would see everything, all the ugly—Lily inhaled
sharply as his breath warmed the skin around her puckered bullet scar. She trembled as he kissed the first scar and then the other.
Regret seared his voice. “I wish I’d been there for you when you needed me.” He, too, drew a deep breath. “But I’m here now. And I’m never leaving, no matter what you say or do.”
“Michael…”
“Yes?”
She choked on the words. She shook her head.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to say anything.” Michael’s hands were gentle and warm against her skin. His touch was firm, his strokes long and soothing. “I want you to relax,” he whispered. “No expectations. We’re not having sex. We’re not ready. This time is just for you.”
She could hear the smile in his voice. She could imagine it on his face. The smile warmed every corner of her soul and made her feel loved and cherished to the tips of her fingers.
He unzipped her denim jeans and eased it off her legs. “You’re beautiful, did you know that?” he continued in his quiet voice. “The way you talk to Miki. The way you laugh with her. The way you look at her, especially when she’s not watching.” His hands caressed down the sides of her legs. “Your love makes you radiant. You’re more beautiful than you used to be.”
Lily could not have said anything in response even if she wanted to. Her throat had clogged with tears.
She tensed, but only for a moment, when he removed her bra and panties. I’m not afraid. Not of Michael. Never of Michael. The soft music played through her head, and his words lingered in her heart as he shifted on the bed. The warmth of his body reclined beside hers, and his breath warmed her cheek.
An invitation.
The choice was hers. With Michael, the choice would always be hers.
She parted her lips in response. The softly grinding need that pulsed through her thrilled at the touch of his lips. She sank into his kiss, into surrender. He surrendered as did she into the quiet certainty of two lovers rediscovering each other after a long absence.