by Jade Kerrion
“They’re at the store.”
“I can swing by tomorrow afternoon to pick them up.”
“They’re electronic. I can just send them to you.”
“I have papers you’ll need to sign if you’d like me to represent you on the sale. You’d also need a lawyer; I can recommend some if you don’t already have one in mind.”
Noelle nodded. “Tomorrow’s fine.”
After she hung up, she met her sister’s quizzical gaze with a defiant stare. “What?”
“You’re selling the pet store?”
“Yes.”
“And leaving Havre de Grace?”
“Yes.”
“But just last week, you were talking about moving back to see if things could work out with Connor.”
“They won’t.”
“But what happened?”
“Nothing happened, and that’s precisely the problem.” Noelle stood. “I don’t think there’s any space for me in his life.”
“That’s absurd,” Holly objected. “He’s obviously in love with you.”
“Maybe some obstacles are just too big for love.” Noelle pressed her lips together. “I needed him. Last week, when I needed him, he just wasn’t there.”
“Oh, Noelle.” Holly walked around the table and threw her arms around Noelle’s shoulders.
“I really thought I meant something to him.”
“I know you do.”
“But not enough. You know what hurt the most? The fact that he kept his children away from me. He’s so protective of them, so desperate to shield them from death. He won’t even let Grace find out that her goldfish are dying. Goes to figure he’d run in the opposite direction from a death in my family.”
Holly sighed. “Normal things just get…crazy…when something huge happens. Don’t you think you should give it time to get back to normal?”
Noelle shook her head. “I don’t want a love that functions well under normal circumstances, and falls apart under stress. Life is full of stress. Life is full of crap that you don’t want to happen but happens anyway. I want a man who will love me when life is normal, and love me even more when life is not.”
And apparently, it’s not Connor.
~*~
Grief kept Noelle awake late into the night and into the early hours of the morning, but the red and blue flicker of emergency vehicle lights drew her from her bed. She slipped from under her warm covers to look out of the window, in time to see a police car and an ambulance turn the corner and stop in front of Connor’s house.
Her heart thumping, she flung a jacket over her pajamas, slid her feet into her sneakers, and raced out of her house. She stopped in front of Connor’s home, but a policeman barred her from entering. “What’s going on?”
“That’s what we’re trying to find out, ma’am. Can you please stand aside?”
“Is Connor all right? The girls?” She peered past the policeman’s bulky shoulder and saw Grace stumble down the stairs, escorted by a female medic. The little girl was crying. “Grace!”
Grace looked up, her face tear-streaked. “Noelle!” She dashed past the policeman and flung herself into Noelle’s open arms. “Daddy won’t wake up!”
“What?” Noelle froze. Panic overrode coherent thought.
“Don’t worry.” The medic’s voice was calm. “He’ll be all right. His breathing is regular and strong. It just looks like he took some sleeping pills.”
“He overdosed?”
“No. The bottle is practically full, and there are no empty bottles that we’ve found. A powerful sleeping aid combined with an abnormal sleeping cycle and massive sleep deprivation can result in really deep sleep. My partner’s working on rousing him; it’ll just take awhile, and he’ll likely be extremely disoriented when he wakes.”
Noelle’s shoulders sagged with relief.
“I don’t want him to die!” Grace sobbed.
Noelle squatted down in front of Grace. “Your daddy’s going to be all right. He’s just tired and he needs to sleep.”
“I don’t want him to sleep. I don’t want him to die. I wake him up all the time.”
Well, that explained the sleep deprivation.
Grace continued, “He said your daddy died when he was sleeping.”
Noelle winced. “Yes, my daddy did, but he was sick.”
“Like my mama was sick?”
“Yes.”
“But Daddy’s sick too.”
“He’s not sick, honey; he’s just tired.”
“But he’s sick. Last night, he sat in the chair in his room and stared out at nothing, just like when Mama died. And he hurt his hand.”
“How did he hurt his hand?”
Grace’s lip quivered. “He got mad at me. He yelled at me, and then he hit…”
“He hit you?” No way. Noelle would never believe it of Connor.
“He hit the car, and he said a bad word.”
“Grace.” Connor’s quiet voice cut through that damning conversation. He stood inside the doorway, a medic beside him. He looked haggard, and his eyes betrayed deep exhaustion.
Grace raced out of Noelle’s arms and flung herself at her father. “I tried to wake you.” She sobbed against his chest. “You didn’t wake up.”
“I’m sorry. I—” His voice cracked. “I was tired and I needed to sleep. Why don’t you go on in and get back to bed? I’ll come in in a few minutes.”
After Grace trotted into the house, Connor straightened. His gaze met Noelle’s for a fraction of a second. She thought she saw despair and shame in his eyes, but he averted his gaze before she could fully grasp his emotions. “I’m sorry about that,” he addressed the medics and the cops. “As the only adult in the house, I know I shouldn’t have taken a sleeping pill, but she’d gone to sleep, and I thought she’d be all right for a couple of hours.”
The female medic tapped him gently on the shoulder. “You’re too hard on yourself. You need sleep too. No harm done.”
You’re wrong about that, Noelle thought. Grace is a wreck when it comes to sleep and death.
She glanced at Connor. The shadows in his eyes confirmed that he knew it too, and worse, he blamed himself for it.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“Grace!” Connor shouted up the stairs the next morning. “Breakfast is ready.” He returned to the table and spooned Cheerios dipped in peach yogurt into Hope’s mouth. “Starving, huh?” He smiled at his younger daughter.
She cooed back at him, displaying eight pearly white teeth.
Connor glanced over his shoulder. Where was Grace? If she delayed much longer, she would miss her school bus. He set the yogurt down and climbed up the stairs to her bedroom.
The low murmur of her voice carried through the threshold of the open door. “I’m doing good, aren’t I?”
Somehow, he didn’t think she was speaking to him. He peeked in through the open door and saw her seated by the fish tank, her entire arm immersed in the water. The goldfish shied away from her touch, but she was surprisingly persistent and agile in stroking its fins and tail as it darted past.
“Grace, what are you doing?”
“I’m petting the fish.”
“The fish?”
“It’s my pet, and we pet pets, right? Like the kitten in the store.”
Connor’s heart sank. “Not fish, Grace.” No wonder they were dying.
“But why not? They need love too.”
“Yes, but fish are a little different. They—”
“They say I’m different too,” Grace said.
“Who does?”
“My friends. They say I’m different because I don’t have a family.”
Connor inhaled sharply. “You have a family. I’m your family. Hope is your family. And you have Grandma and Grandpa in Orlando. We’ll visit them soon and go to Disney World. You’d like that, won’t you?”
“I don’t want to go to Disney World. I want to see Noelle.”
A low sigh tore out of him. “Grace, I
don’t know if Noelle wants to see us.”
“But she saw me last night.”
Right, she saw how screwed up I am, and how badly I screwed up my family in the one year since Millie died. Why would she want anything to do with us? This isn’t her mess to clean up. “It was good of Noelle to come when you needed her, but Grace, it’s not her job.”
“Why not? You’re always here when I need you.”
“I’m your father. I will always be here when you need me, and even when you don’t. Noelle’s just a friend, and she has other important things she needs to do.”
“Like be there for her family?”
“Yeah.”
Grace frowned. “Can Noelle be part of our family?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can you ask her?”
He drew a shaky breath. “Grace, I don’t think—”
“Please.” Grace stared at him, her eyes large and vulnerable in her pale face. “It’s all I want for Christmas.”
~*~
Connor’s watch showed a quarter past one when he pushed open the door and walked into the pet store. Noelle was deep in conversation with a man at the counter. Both paused when he strode in. Recognition flashed over the man’s face. He straightened and extended his hand. “Rick Riordan. I was four years behind you in school. You’re Connor Bradley, right?”
“Yeah. Good to see you, Rick. I remember you. What brings you back to town?”
“Some business with this lovely lady here, which we’ve just wrapped up.” He gathered the papers on the counter and placed them in his briefcase. “I expect I’ll be in and out of Havre de Grace over the next few months. I’ll give you a call; perhaps we can grab lunch.”
“Certainly.”
Rick grinned. “Great. Did you take over your dad’s clinic?”
“Yeah.”
“I know how to contact you, then. I think your clinic number is still programmed into the speed dial on my mom’s cell phone. Four boys, all accident-prone. She’s proud of the fact that her hair only turned gray after we left home.”
Connor laughed and stepped aside for Rick to leave. The door slammed as Rick departed, ushering in an awkward silence.
He looked at Noelle. “You’re selling the place?”
Noelle nodded. Her wide-eyed gaze rested on his bruised knuckles.
He slid his hand into his pocket. “Will you come back to Havre de Grace for visits?”
“I…” She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He lowered his gaze. There wasn’t anything left to say, was there?
She stepped out from behind the counter. “I have a flight back to Los Angeles tomorrow. Holly’s going to be keeping an eye on the store until Rick finds a buyer for it. Would you like to take the kitten home for Grace?”
Connor followed her to the white kitten’s cage. The little cat purred in recognition. “I found out why her goldfish are dying.”
Noelle turned to look at him. “Why?”
“She was petting them. She thought she was showing them love.” He shook his head. “I think it’s time to give her a pet she can love in the right way.” He pulled out his wallet.
Noelle shook her head. “I’d like it to be a gift to her.”
His chest felt heavy. “Sure, sounds great. She’ll appreciate it; she’ll take good care of her. Can I come back for the cat at the end of the day, after I pick Grace up from her after-school program?”
“Of course.” Noelle’s smile was taut on her face, the motion stiff and unnatural.
Connor walked to the door but before he stepped out, he turned around. “I’m sorry about last night. It was the culmination of a really rough week, but it didn’t give me the right to freak my daughter out by taking sleeping pills. I really thought she’d be all right for a few hours, long enough for me to get some sleep.”
Noelle held her hands up. “Connor, you don’t have to explain.”
“I feel like I do.” With effort, he steadied his voice and pushed on. “I know everything about my family is so far from normal right now. We lost our way after Millie, and I’m still trying to find my way back. The few days we had with you fooled me into thinking that perhaps I had my act together; last week…last night proved I didn’t.”
She stared at him wordlessly.
“I’m not asking you to wait until I figure things out, until we find our way back to normal, but in a few months, in a year, perhaps, we’ll be in a better place.” He managed a humorless smile. His present was a goddamned mess; the future was all he had going for him. “If you’re not dating anyone then, we’d like to come and visit you in Los Angeles. Grace said she’d prefer Disneyland.”
She said nothing. In that instant, his heart broke. Rejection did not have to be spoken to hurt like hell. “Please think about it,” he murmured. “My family won’t always be broken. We won’t always be screwed up. Maybe you could give us another chance when we’re normal.” Connor drew a deep breath but nothing seemed to ease the pain. “We’ll see you this evening to pick up the cat and to say goodbye.” He pushed on the door and stepped out onto the sidewalk.
A part of him remained behind, silent, shattered.
~*~
Noelle stared at the closed door as Connor walked out of the store and out of her life.
Realization descended with the impact of a meteor.
She had wanted a man who would have loved her when things were normal, and loved her more when things were not. Connor may or may not have been that person, but she realized that she had utterly failed to live up to her lofty expectations and demands of love.
Blinded by her loss, she had forgotten how hard Connor struggled and how hard he was still struggling. When she turned her back on him and his family, naturally he would blame himself and the dysfunctional tangle he had made of his life. What other conclusion could he draw than the belief that his family was too broken for her?
Nothing could have been further from the truth. She wanted him; she wanted his children; she wanted the crazy schedules and messy house; she wanted the impetuous hugs and sticky kisses.
Sweet heavens, what have I done?
She snatched up her cell phone. “Rick? Can you hold off on the sale of the pet store? I think I may be staying in Havre de Grace after all.”
~*~
Noelle was waiting when Connor, Grace, and Hope entered the store that evening. He inclined his head to her, and looked down at Grace. “Why don’t you go talk to Noelle while I show Hope the fishes?”
Noelle’s heart tugged in empathy. Connor looked tired. His smile was perfunctory—polite and without joy.
Grace scurried down the aisle to Noelle, who took her hand and led her to the kitten’s cage. “I have a friend here who wants to go home with you.”
Grace blinked hard. “Really? Daddy said I could have the kitten?”
“Yes, he did.”
Grace looked down the aisle where her father squatted next to Hope to look at the fish in the aquarium. The smile faded from Grace’s face.
“What is it?” Noelle asked.
“But I don’t want a kitten anymore.”
“I thought you said that all you wanted for Christmas is a kitten. I know it’s late, but sometimes, presents arrive late.”
“I changed my mind.” Grace’s mouth twisted. “Daddy said you’re a friend.”
“That’s right, I am.”
“Daddy also said that friends sometimes leave. Only family stays, because they have to.”
“A family stays because of love.”
“I know.” Grace’s fingers played with the zipper on her coat. “Sometimes I get mad with Daddy, but I love my daddy, and I think if you try, you could love him too.”
“Oh, Grace—”
“I want you to be my family and stay. I don’t want you to leave. It makes Daddy sad.”
“Grace—”
“If you stay, I promise to be good. Hope will be good too. We will be happy again, all of us, like a real family.”
Noelle’s heart swelled with love for the precious child. “Your daddy and I have lots of things to talk about before we can decide to be a family, but for now, I promise to be a friend—a really good friend. I’ll come by and put you to bed every night.”
“Really? Tonight, too?”
“Especially tonight. Come on, let’s get Snowball home.” Noelle handed the kitten to Grace and picked up a small stack of pet supplies, including a litter box, litter, and food. She walked up to Connor. “I promised to put Grace to bed tonight. Is it okay?”
Reluctance flickered in his eyes, but he nodded. “Of course. Let’s go.”
The apparent normalcy at dinner stood in stark contrast to the despair Noelle knew Connor must be feeling. His eyes betrayed quiet sorrow, but he smiled and laughed and did everything he could to create a happy memory for his children. Noelle stared at him, the love in her chest so sharp and so profound, it hurt. How could she ever have thought that Connor was a fair-weather lover? When things got tough, he hung in there and tried even harder.
After she tucked the children into bed, she found Connor downstairs, waiting by the fire with an unopened bottle of wine and two glasses on the side table. He looked up at her, and a sad half smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “Shall we have a glass of wine to toast old friendships and new beginnings?”
“Sure.” She walked down the steps to join him in the living room.
He popped the cork, poured a glass of red wine, and handed it to her. The rims of their glasses touched in a toast. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and my family.”
“You’re welcome. I wish I could do more.”
“You’ve done more than anyone has, more than anyone could expect.” He sipped from his glass. His voice caught with hesitation. “If you want a clean break, just say so. Otherwise, I’d like to stay in touch. If things change—”
“Connor, can we sit?”
“Sure.” He obliged easily although the furrow between his eyes betrayed his confusion.
Noelle took a deep gulp of her wine, but it failed to steady her nerves. “Before you decide if you want to stay in touch, there’s something I need to tell you.”