Minnie called the spring clean up a plus-sized clothing exodus. Zoe was freeing herself of slavery and taking her body to the promise land—Victoria's Secret. Minnie was certain that in buying new clothes Zoe would be able to really connect her new self.
“These horrible, saggy, ill-fitting clothes are a subtle reminder of what you were and what you could be again,” Minnie had said as she shoved things into bags without really examining them. “It’s better not to have a fall back plan. It’s better to cast out the old and start with the new.”
Zoe had sat on the corner of her bed and watched in slight horror as Minnie violently shoved clothing into Glad bags, tossing them aside as if they were nothing but trash. As if Zoe hadn’t lived the majority of her life in them. As if they weren’t carefully selected, sometimes stylish, pieces meant to cover, hide, and camouflage. As if the past meant nothing.
Zoe still had things to hide, but she had willing bagged up almost all of her things, and truth be told, a small part of her was actually happy to have finally done it. Cleaning her closets was something she had been putting off, so she wasn’t upset with Minnie for her less-than-sensitive attempts at helping.
Minnie didn’t really know much about Zoe’s fight or feelings with fat. No one did. Those types of thoughts had remained personal—internalized wars of you’re not good enough and you can’t do it. It was a battle that had ended after nearly two years of physical and emotional war play and plenty of exhaustion. A battle that still left a trail of hidden landmines that popped up sporadically and sometimes left her tiptoeing through buffets and clothing wracks, lamenting at her own ability to keep her victory flag rooted deeply in the ground.
“What aren’t you comfortable with?” Minnie asked from somewhere behind Zoe. With a sigh, Zoe pulled out an orange top from the rack and stared at it. Not at all flattering, but she liked the big sleeves—she could hide her arms in these sleeves.
“Flirting,” Zoe answered. “This is only our second date.” She examined the top for a moment longer before putting it back. A few hangers down there was a black and white blouse with tiny little petal sleeves that didn’t seem to serve a purpose, Zoe looked at it briefly and then put it back and turned to the rack behind her.
As she glanced through the clothes, she drew a pretty green top and held it at arms length.
Her fingers located the tag along the nape of the garment. It was a large; too big for her now, but it was still cute so she carried it with her to the next display.
“So what if it’s your second date, you should have done it on your first!” Zoe’s eyes scanned the area above the clothing looking for Minnie. She found her friend about twenty feet away, browsing in a clearance panty bin.
“That doesn’t seem appropriate,” Zoe said.
“You need to flirt,” Minnie said firmly. “It’s a natural progression of dating—and you do it well enough when you don’t try. So just don’t try. Just be coy and giggly and all that girly stuff.”
“I’m neither coy nor giggly,” Zoe murmured as she took a black slinky blouse from the wrack to examine it. She turned toward Minnie and held up the top. “What do you think of this? It’s clingy. Although I’d rather not wear something like this—it’s too… clingy.”
“It’s ugly anyway—what do you think about these?” Minnie held up the racy black panties and bra for Zoe to view.
“They’re nice,” Zoe nodded.
“Good, try them on.” Minnie shoved the garments into Zoe’s arms and then took back the clingy top and shoved it haphazardly onto the rack. Her hands flew over the hangers as she quickly surveyed what was there. Zoe watched in amazement as her friend checked tags as she pulled several tops off the rack; she didn’t really look at them, she just handed them over to Zoe. Zoe knew several of the pieces just wouldn’t do, but she’d have to try them on since she was with Minnie. Zoe glanced down at the panties and bra in her hand, both were cute, but the panties wouldn’t completely cover her butt, and she didn’t really have a cute butt. Weight loss had destroyed it—not that it was particularly cute before.
“I don’t need these,” Zoe hissed. “I’m not going to sleep with him!” A sly smile formed on Minnie’s cheeks. “You’d be amazed at what a nice panty and bra set can do for a woman’s self confidence—her self sexiness,” Minnie retorted. “You need some, Zoe, I raided your panty drawer—I’ve never seen so many granny drawls in all my life.”
Zoe’s face and neck flushed with heat as she looked around to see if anyone had overheard that.
“And cute panties don’t mean that you want to get laid, Zoe, they’re just cute panties, that fit,” she put a heavy load of clothes over Zoe’s arm, grabbed a few more panties and bra sets from the rack, and led Zoe across the store to a fitting room.
“But… this is a thong, isn’t it?”
Minnie just smirked and stood like a prison guard outside Zoe’s dressing room. Zoe stripped out of her clothes and avoided looking in the mirror. She tried the bra on first and found that it fit and looked pretty sexy. She didn’t try on the panties.
“What should I wear to dinner?” Zoe asked as she twisted around in the three-way mirror to examine all angles of the green top. It looked nice. Loose in the right places, tight across the bust where it mattered most, long enough to cover her entire belly. With a nice pair of pants, or maybe her new jeans, the top might make a nice outfit for her date. “Last time it was casual, he didn’t say this time.”
“You definitely need something a little sexier than jeans and a t-shirt,” Minnie said.
“We’ll stop at Victoria Secret—they have some clothes that might work.” Zoe didn’t want to look sexier—she was much more comfortable in Africa-aid t-shirts and jeans. She did like to get all dolled up from time to time, but dating brought a new pressure to look good that made her feel crazy with uncertainty and doubt.
If she dressed one way she might be too frumpy and another way too sexy—and she didn’t want to come off as overly flirtatious, which made Minnie’s recommendation of heavy flirting with Colton something Zoe wasn’t really prepared for or willing to do. Not that flirting with him would be very difficult—Colton was easy to talk to with his laid-back nature and genuine friendliness. She just wasn’t sure if she was ready for what flirting normally led up to—at least a kiss. She didn’t fear kissing Colton, she actually thought about it constantly. She feared her own ability in making it good—impressing him with her kissing abilities. And she had been kissed, despite what Paige and Minnie thought.
She just hadn’t kissed a boy in a very, very long time.
“I like a few of these things,” Zoe decided as she put her own clothes on and picked up what she wanted and what she didn’t. At the check out, she passed over her credit card, gulping down the bulb of tightness lodged in the middle of her throat. This would add another seventy dollars to her astronomical spending of the day. “Are you hungry yet?
I’m starving.”
“Are you?” Minnie looked stupidly pleased for some reason. “Great, let’s get burgers and fries.”
“Um, I was thinking of the Tomato Bar,” Zoe said with a laugh. Like she could really have a burger and fries! “It’s close to the Victoria's Secret and you can get a baked potato.” Zoe took her new purchases and pocketed her credit card.
“Aren’t you on maintenance yet?” Minnie asked as they left Macy’s and walked up the street a few blocks. “Your meals consist of rabbit food and lean protein, which is great, I mean I know how hard you’ve worked, but do you have to diet for the rest of your life?”
“It’s not a diet,” Zoe chimed in with a smile. “It’s a life style—and what does it matter what I eat? I don’t force you to eat what I eat. You usually eat whatever you want and then forcibly try to sabotage my efforts.”
“I don’t care what you eat and I don’t sabotage you—on purpose,” Minnie sighed and pushed her hair off her shoulder. She slowed to a stop in front of a street vendor selling hair products. Zoe n
oticed that he seemed a bit shifty as he glanced around him while quickly filling them in on all the hot products he could supply. Zoe wondered if he had emphasized the word hot just a tad too much.
Minnie picked up a Chi flat iron and tested the springs in the handle; the ceramic plates clicked together noisily.
“It’s just boring eating with you sometimes—we go to the same boring places and you eat the same boring salad. Aren’t you bored?”
“Nope.” Although she was a tad bored with her normal fair—but, if it ain’t broke.
Minnie rolled her eyes. She waved the Chi at the vendor. “How much?”
“Fifty bucks,” he answered. Minnie considered the price as she held the flat iron and looked over the other hair products. Zoe shifted the weight of her bags around and waited for Minnie to make up her mind. “Any day lady—I gotta get moving.”
“How about you buy a legit one?” Zoe asked, not missing the ugly look the vendor shot her. She didn’t care, a street Chi—if it was even real—wouldn’t amount to much of Minnie was caught buying stolen products by one of the undercover cops that was lurking around. “What do you need that for? You have two at home.”
“It’s for Paige,” Minnie answered. “I was going to give it to her as a gift—she needs to do something with her hair.”
Zoe thought about the frizzy mop of Paige’s head and smiled, “Some product might help.
You can get her something cheaper, Min, come on let’s go.”
“Thirty bucks,” the vendor said quickly. “Come on, it’s authentic and legit.” Zoe rolled her eyes. Minnie set the iron down and they started back up the block, ignoring him only until he dropped the price down to ten dollars. Minnie ran back to purchase it, taking it inside a shop to plug it in to make sure it worked first.
“He could have been a cop you know,” Zoe muttered as the vendor quickly gathered up his things to move to a new location.
“Yup, it’s exciting not knowing—makes it a real thrill.” On their way to the Tomato Bar, they stopped at the Victoria's Secret store. Zoe followed Minnie around as usual, causally looking at cute panties, but not really taking the clothes very seriously. She was a window shopper when it came to this particular store, always staring up at the impossibly thin mannequins realizing that she’d never fit into anything there or look half as cute. You made sacrifices when you carried extra weight—cute panties were hard to come by in regular department stores and Zoe had never been willing to buy from specialty shops. She wasn’t going to pay astronomical prices to wear something that no one would see her in—ever. She felt the same way now.
“Why don’t you have anything to try on?” Minnie asked.
“I thought we were shopping here for you,” Zoe answered. “There’s nothing for me here and—”
Minnie rolled her eyes, “You can fit into things here, Zoe, go try something on. The clothes are in the back corner over there.”
Zoe headed straight for the clothes, only eyeing panty bins and bra displays but not stopping to browse. She just bought a bra and panty set at Macy’s, one risqué thing was enough for one outing.
Setting her bags down, Zoe began rummaging through the clothes certain that she wasn’t going to find anything flattering or in her size. The very last item she pulled out to view was a little black dress—the quintessential little black dress. The one dress every girl should have in her wardrobe. It was the one dress that had eluded Zoe for years because she could never pull it off. It was a cute cut, a low v-neck, slinky material, perfect for a date with Colton or anyone else for that matter.
She ran her fingers over the soft material, checked the size again, and then looked at the price tag. She could try it on just to see, just for fun.
“Oh!”
Zoe turned to look over her shoulder at a woman who had approached her out of no where. The woman’s blue eyes were glued to the dress; she clapped her hands together and pressed them under her chin.
“Is that the last one?” She asked breathlessly. Zoe glanced at the wrack and saw that it was the last dress. “Is it an eight?”
Yes, it was.
Zoe nibbled on the inside of her lip and slowly handed the dress over. The woman gasped and looked at her with shock and happiness.
“A-are you sure? I just saw this online and had to run over here to see if they had it—I…
are you sure?”
“Yes, go ahead,” Zoe laughed lightly and gathered up her bags. “I was just looking at it, that’s all.”
“Oh… gosh, thanks!” the woman hurried off to the dressing room with an excited girlfriend and Zoe went in search of Minnie, the little black dress quickly forgotten.
Zoe was a little shocked to be preparing for her second date with Colton alone. Minnie and Paige were both busy, with what they didn’t say and Zoe didn’t ask. She liked that they weren’t there to pester her about what to do and what not to do while with Colton, but not having someone tell her how she looked made her feel uneasy. She had decided to wear her new jeans and the green top she bought, but she wasn’t quite sure if the look was right overall.
She turned in a slow circle and stared at her butt in the bathroom mirror. Her butt looked good, which was a change from what she normally saw in the mirror—it was the new jeans, she decided. The shirt fit her nicely too and she’d accessorized with a gold bangle bracelet and a gold necklace with a small golden heart, a gift from her mother. Overall, Zoe knew she looked good, but that small voice in the back of her ear was snickering at her, pointing out all of her flaws. Like that little roll of fat along her side—roll that wouldn’t disappear no matter how many sit-ups and crunches she did.
The doorbell chimed as Zoe was twisting about to see which angles mad her roll more prominent. The moment she heard the ring, her stomach began to torment with butterflies that were only tickling before. She put on a little more deodorant; glanced at her reflection one more time, silenced the nagging voice, and hurried through her apartment to the front door. With trembling fingers she pushed the cover to the peephole to the side and peered out. Colton was standing on the other side of the door, a vision of solid strength and masculinity. The peephole cover slid back into place as Zoe pressed her forehead to the cool wood, took a deep breath. She replayed all of the encouraging things Minnie had told her and unlocked the door. As she pulled it open she was hit with a mixture of smells from the hallway: mold, flowers, Chinese food, the crisp smell of soap, and spicy cologne.
Colton lifted his eyes to hers and smiled. He was wearing dark washed jeans, brown loafers, and a dark green button down shirt. Zoe laughed as her face flushed with blood.
What were the odds that they’d dress to match—that was something that long-term couples did with time. Not people on their second date.
“Wow, we’re twins,” Colton laughed. His eyes shifted over her, but not in a sleazy, let-me-get-into-your-pants kind of way. Still, his hot gaze made her body throb with awareness; she had to look down at herself to make sure that her new bra wouldn’t out her physical attraction in any way.
“Although I’m sure I don’t look as great as you do—you look amazing Zoe.” Zoe smiled and touched the material of her shirt, “Thank you, Colton. Did Minnie tell you what I was wearing? Not that she could—she didn’t really ask me what I was wearing and she wasn’t here to dress me for this date.” Colton laughed.
“It just seems so remarkable that we’d dress the same. Should I change?” Colton shook his head no; his heated gaze moved over her again. “Please don’t.” Zoe blushed and stepped back into the apartment to invite him in. Colton stepped forward and took that time to reveal another bouquet of white lilies, wrapped in clear cellophane and yellow tissue, from behind his back.
Despite her best effort not too, Zoe felt tears pushing against the corner of her eyes. She accepted the flowers gratefully and gestured for him to come into the apartment. She felt silly weeping every time he presented her with flowers—she tried to pass it off as something he might alwa
ys do since he owned a flower shop—but part of her saw it as a romantic gesture too. She’d never received flowers from a man before, so they were extra special.
“Do I have time to put them in water?”
“Sure—I made a reservation for seven thirty,” Colton said. “Wow, you managed to keep the other ones alive?” Zoe glanced over her shoulder and looked at the slightly wilting lilies that she’d put in a vase near the window.
“Oh, yes,” She said as she filled a new vase with water and sprinkled in a vitamin packet.
“I bought these little nutrient packets and change out the water every few days,” she quickly arranged the new lilies and set the vase on the center of her small four-person dining table. “They’re beautiful, Colton, thank you.” When he didn’t say anything back, Zoe turned to see what had caught his attention. He was standing near her TV staring at the framed photographs that decorated the top of the box. One of the pictures, the one he seemed to be staring at the hardest, was a picture of her and Minnie taken a few years ago at a hot dog eating contest. They were only posing with the hotdogs, but the picture looked like they were heavily involved in the contest, in fact, Zoe had actually stuck half of a hot dog in her mouth and puffed out her cheeks to make it look like she was chowing down. It was normally a funny picture, but it was also a horrible one because it showed Zoe at her highest weight.
The humiliation hit and it hit hard.
Zoe wasn’t sure if she should run across the room and knock the picture off the TV so he couldn’t see it anymore, or if she should just blow it off like it was no big deal. The latter seemed the most reasonable response, but for some reason she wanted to scream at him to stop staring at it. She wanted to tell him that it wasn’t her anymore. That this—the person standing in front of him now, the person half the size of that girl in the picture—was her now. Why had she left that damn thing there for anyone to look at? It was one of the only pictures she had left from those days. Others were in a shoebox in the closet, buried deep into another box and covered with knickknacks and keepsakes that she never looked at.
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