Well, that was another thing, I’d not actually heard it in any real detail. I had no idea how Sebastian envisaged this thing panning out. Which wasn’t any different from any of the other sex we’d been having. That was the thing with embarking on this kind of relationship. You gave someone your trust, but if you’d plotted out every sexual encounter, it would have become pretty staid pretty quickly. The not knowing exactly how someone would dominate you was at least half of the point.
But why hadn’t Sebastian texted me? How could he have called me Nichi mou, called me his unicorn, and yet still be treating me like a girl in university halls he hooked up with when he had nothing better to do? Where did all that hand-holding in the night, or the begging me to send him clips of me discussing the papers on Sky News because it really ‘did it’ for him, come from if not from a place of desire and deep feeings, of burgeoning love?
And what about the sex? The mind-blowing, soul-shaking sex? Sebastian was a phenomenal lover, but you couldn’t have the kind of passionate sex we had without a real and raw connection, could you?
I lay awake for another hour, trying desperately not to cry. I didn’t want crimson-puff eyes tomorrow. Instead, I wanted to look knock-out hot. I wanted him to remember the first time. I wanted him to think, I want this woman and everything she can offer me.
Sebastian was waiting for me at the tube station again. He had a look of fractious exhilaration on his face, and his blue eyes seemed to spark when he saw me.
In the end I decided to wear the outfit I had worn the first night we had had sex. The backless dress. The snakeskin shoes. Stockings. Only now I had a smoky-eyed red-lipped face, crimson nails and a look of impervious resolve.
Sebastian came forward to kiss me and took my bag. Like a gentleman? Or like a slave? I was tense. Is this how it was to be all evening? I needed to switch off the interior monologue and concentrate on making this experience as safe, sane and sexy as possible for both of us.
We’d arranged to go for dinner first. This time we went to a Cantonese diner with large, discreet booths and lax service. At least it gave us time to talk.
When we had paid the bill, split it as I always insisted we did, we made the short walk back to Sebastian’s flat, talking about Iranian politics. ‘How could a country so crazy produce all those beautiful women!’ I joked.
‘TELL me about it!’ Sebastian seemed to swoon.‘That whole region in fact! You know how I feel about Queen Rania of Jordan . . .’
I laughed but inside I was crumbling. Why was I feeling so insecure? It was only Sebastian messing about. I mentioned other people I found attractive often enough. Didn’t I? I tried to think of an example but my mind was blank.
‘Yes, but I don’t think she’s into domination somehow,’ I teased.
‘Oh God, I’d never dominate her! Instead I’d lay her down by candlelight. I have reveries about her. In my mind she’s always wearing a white angora sweater held together by a single button.’
In the flat, Sebastian’s chatter gave way to nerves. ‘I noticed your earrings as soon as I picked you up from the station. You don’t know how many times I’ve fantasised about someone doing this for me.’ He gazed at down at me with a look approaching adoration.
I could never be agitated with Sebastian for long. After all, I loved him. But he’d really hurt me this time. Did he have so little respect for me that he thought it OK to praise other women while offering me nothing in the way of reassurance? Was I just a willing mouth and a wet hole to him? Or in this instance, a pair of scissor-wielding hands?
Sebastian was fiddling about in his drawer of wicked tricks, as I had named it. In it, he kept rope, ties, a ball gag, crops. When we’d first met he’d told me how he had all the props he needed ‘just here!’ and kissed his biceps in jest. But I did wonder now why we’d never opened the drawer before. Not that it had ever bothered me. Working as a domme, I’d had enough of props to last me a lifetime. Which was ironic given that now we found ourselves dependent on a domestic object to enact Sebastian’s ultimate fantasy.
Sebastian stood with his back to me for a moment then exhaled loudly. Was it my imagination or was he actually shaking? He turned around and handed me the scissors. Oh my God. They weren’t what I had been expecting, neither dressmaker’s nor the standard paper kind. They were for cutting through chicken bone, and had ferocious-looking curved and serrated blades held together with a spring and safety catch. This was crazy. I wasn’t going to do this.
‘Sebastian! They’re monstrous! Are you insane?’ Sebastian shook his head apologetically. ‘They’re really not as bad as they look. You can’t nick someone with them. Here. Try cutting a ribbon and see what happens.’
He handed me a red ribbon and the blades. I tried to cut with them. They chewed the fabric gummily.
‘Oh! So they’re not even sharp!’
‘No, they only cut through if you apply absolute pressure. And you don’t have the strength.’ He smiled at me fondly, caressing my shoulder. ‘They’re completely safe, Nichi. I promise you. They’re a visual aid to the fantasy, that’s all.’
‘OK. Well then . . .’ Mentally I took a deep breath. ‘Shall we begin?’
Sebastian undressed but for his briefs, and sat on the edge of the bed. If I wasn’t mistaken, he already had a hard-on. I arranged myself, fully clothed, on the one chair. It was so long since I’d done this. It felt at once so familiar and yet so absolutely alien, especially given what I was about to enact. Hadn’t you once dreamed of RADA, Nichi? Time to test your amateur actress’s mettle.
I placed the scissors beside me on the chair.
I was going to have to feel out this dialogue by paying extremely close attention to Sebastian’s reactions.
‘So, Sebastian . . .’ He looked up at me tremulously. ‘I’ve been thinking. About that cock of yours. Is it really necessary?’
Sebastian took a sharp intake of breath. That was a good start.
‘I mean, I know you’re pretty good at fucking me with it, but I’ve started to wonder if you having a penis isn’t a lot more hassle than it’s worth.’
‘What do you mean?’ Sebastian levelled the question at me.
I hadn’t bargained for that. It threw me for a moment, but I thought back to the times when the clients had done similar things. They weren’t trying to derail the role play, just test your authority. I needed him to believe that I was guiding this, even though Sebastian was absolutely topping from the bottom.
‘I mean,’ I continued, ‘that I think you in particular are governed by it a lot more than is good for you. I mean that you might feel easier without. Less burdened.’
‘But I wouldn’t,’ Sebastian retorted, softly, childishly. ‘I’d still have my balls. They’d drive me to distraction, encouraging me to think about sex knowing that without a cock I couldn’t ever satisfy myself.’
OK. I was beginning to get more of a sense of where Sebastian wanted this to go. This was about Sebastian’s subliminal concern that one day some woman might stop him from ever having sex again. But where was the erotic thread to this?
I inched my chair up towards him. He flinched as I stood up, then trembled as I settled back down, my stockinged knee now brushing against his bare one. I could tell from the straining under the fabric of his briefs that his erection had grown to a punishing proportion.
‘But Sebastian, don’t you think you might deserve it sometimes?’
‘How could I ever deserve it?’ he replied immediately.
‘Well, might it not be payback for being such a beautiful bastard, for being able to have any woman you want without any real regard for them?’
I had no idea if this were true or not, no real idea of how many women had gone before me, but I wondered if, like that client James, my first verbal domination, the one that Sapphire had told me wanted picking apart, Sebastian too got off on being confronted with and then chastised for his own narcissism.
‘But I’ve given them pleasure,’ Sebastian repli
ed.
‘Well, sometimes pleasure isn’t enough. Sometimes people need more than pleasure,’ I retorted.
Sebastian looked simultaneously defiant and terrified.
Then it hit me. Oh God. Of course I could perform this role play. Sometimes people need more than pleasure? This was about us, about all the ways in which Sebastian was failing to give me what I needed. Perhaps it was actually going to be cathartic for me to channel my frustrations into something that would get him off. For the first time that evening I began to feel slightly less panicked. I could do this. I settled into my assumed role.
‘Life isn’t just about pleasure, Sebastian. Though you never seem short on pleasure-seeking. One of the first things I found out about you is that you took Violet’s boyfriend Dan off to South Africa on a spanking tour.’
Sebastian balked. Oh, that was a little too close for comfort, wasn’t it Sebastian?
‘We didn’t do anything too awful on that trip.’
‘But you agree you were a bad influence on Dan. Encouraging him to abandon Violet like that. Was it fun tying up those innocent little South African girls?’
‘We didn’t tie them up,’ Sebastian replied. I had no idea whether he was telling the truth or not but it hardly mattered. The point was that he was on the back foot.
‘Even if I had I wouldn’t deserve to lose my cock for it.’ Sebastian said sourly. He wasn’t a good submissive. Far too much defiance in him.
‘If you say so, Sebastian.’ I picked up the scissors nestling beside me. They were still cold, despite the proximity of my warm body.
Immediately Sebastian bristled. I looked at his crotch. There, on his ice-blue briefs, was an incriminating damp patch. God, it was incredible that even just the sight of the scissors like this turned him on. This was a full-blown fetish.
I rested the scissors lengthways across my lap and ran the tips of my damson nails along them, making a whisper of a scratching noise. The sound made Sebastian jump out of his skin and he fixed his eyes on the gleaming metal.
‘Nichi, what are you doing? Why do you have the scissors positioned like that?’
I looked up into his eyes. My face was set in a medusa-like mask. ‘Because you want this.’
‘No, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.’ Sebastian repeated, shaking his head vehemently from side to side.
I was confused by his reaction. For a moment I couldn’t tell whether this was Sebastian trying to end the role play. Then I realised what was happening here. I was letting my actual feelings towards him interfere with the play. Of course, in Sebastian’s fantasies I wanted this and he didn’t. That was the whole point. I wanted to punish him for untold sins against me and womankind and he was merely the hapless victim of my ire. But how the hell could I make this convincing? Whatever distress he’d caused me with his sporadic emotional distance, no part of me wanted to actually punish Sebastian for anything that had passed between us. Instead, every cell of my being wanted to love him, wanted to thank Fortune, whatever God I believe in, but mostly Sebastian for entering my life.
Sebastian spoke. ‘Please don’t do this, Nichi, please don’t. I need to keep my cock. Let me keep it.’
I ran my nails rapidly up and down the scissors again, then spun them round so that the tips of the blades were pointing directly at Sebastian’s crotch.
‘I’m sorry, Sebastian, but you don’t get a say in how this goes any more.’
His eyes widened again in fright. He bowed his head and placed his hands pleadingly on my calves. I slapped his hands and shook him off.
‘It’s too late, Sebastian. You need to man up and face the inevitable.’ I took hold of the scissors in my right hand and took my left to the safety catch. It clicked audibly as it dropped, and Sebastian whimpered.
And then I realised something else. Fuck, we hadn’t actually set a special safe word for this. Were we out of our minds? Sebastian was trusting me and I was trusting myself to not let this veer into unsafe territory. Well, we’d tested the blade. I knew I couldn’t cut him. I’d never hurt a client and there was no way on earth I could hurt Sebastian. All I had to do was tease him a little with them. Perhaps rub them up and down his shaft a bit, maybe open them ominously. I presumed they made a suitably terrifying swiping noise as the blades came apart.
Focus on the role play, Nichi, make him cum and wrap this up quickly.
With the blades parted, I ran my fingertip along the dulled serrated edges. Sebastian was absolutely entranced, his cobalt-blue eyes burning like the heart of a gas-fired flame, and flickering rapidly between the blades and my face. His straining cock was poking out of the top of his briefs now. The sight of him turned on helped to convince me again that what we were doing was OK. All I wanted to do right now was give Sebastian pleasure.
I leaned forward, exposing my white cleavage in the dim light. Sebastian gazed at it greedily. Then I took my left hand and peeled back his briefs until they were resting halfway down his cock. I pulled back the waistband with my fingers then took the scissors in my right and slid them along the inside of the outstretched fabric. Sebastian made a guttural juddering sound. I wanted to keep the scissors as far away from his actual skin as possible, and hoped that this action would be enough to stimulate his fantasy.
Then I pulled the blades back up for a moment, opened them slightly and clamped them down on to the fabric. Their dull teeth gnawed clumsily on the fibres. Even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t have cut through Sebastian’s briefs for effect. I used the scissors to pull down the fabric until his whole cock was revealed. The head of it glistened urgently, and a single drop of pre-cum trailed down his shaft. I removed the scissors and took the fingers of my left hand to him instead, wrapping them tenderly along his length. Sebastian jumped away from me in fright but I gripped on to him by his cock, got up out of my seat and planted a leg either side of his right knee, sitting back on to his thigh to anchor him.
‘You’re not getting away from this, Sebastian. It’s your fate. You know that, really. You also know deep down that you deserve it.’
I began masturbating him and leaned in to kiss him for the first time. When our lips met it was electrifying. The inverted power exchange made this feel so dubiously erotic. Sebastian kissed me as if his cock depended on it.
‘Please, Nichi,’ he began again, ‘please don’t do this.’
‘It’s for your own good,’ I repeated again. Then hesitated. What to do now? The role play was getting easier but the scissors in my hand still unnerved me. I felt as though I were armed with a weapon. But for this to work for him, I was going to have to touch his cock with the metal.
Closing the scissors, I took them gingerly to the outside of his skin and rubbed the outside of the blade along his shaft. Worried that Sebastian would jump at the sensation and inadvertently injure himself, I clung on first to the end of the blades. But Sebastian was lost in his own reverie now, and instead, of trying to flee, undulated up against them. I breathed a long hot breath of relief.
‘You could never really cut my cock off though, Nichi, could you?’ Sebastian looked up into my face imploringly. ‘You’d never try it, would it? You’d never actually put the blades around me?’
That meant he wanted me to put the blades around him. It must do. I was so loathe to do this. But I thought again about the emptiness of the days when I waited for his messages, thought about the richness of my nights when I made love to him. Perhaps this was what he needed in order to understand just how dedicated I was to him, and to get him to truly commit to me. That’s why I had to do this. For me, but more so, for him. And so, still stroking him with my right hand, I opened the scissors once more and taking the utmost care, wrapped them around the base of cock with my left.
Sebastian couldn’t have been more terrified if I’d put a gun to his head. In fact, I knew that this was truly more terrifying to him.
‘Nichi, Nichi, Nichi, Nichi, Nichi,’ he repeated, his entire body, convulsing with fright, ‘please don’t, I’m beg
ging you, I’m begging you not do this,’ meanwhile rubbing himself deliberately up against the metal blades and my fingers.
‘Sebastian,’ I gasped. I couldn’t get another threatening word out of my mouth. This was so intense, so stupefying, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. And then he said something that made me feel as though he’d just spun the scissors round and stuck them into my heart.
‘How can you want to do this to me, how can you want to hurt me like this?’
I wanted to scream ‘But I don’t, Sebastian, I’m doing it because I love you and because I want to satisfy your ultimate fantasy and because I’d do anything, even a mad, unsafe, terrible, terrifying thing like this, if I thought it would make you happy for even a few moments.’ But I bit my tongue, choked back the tears and increased the pace of my hand until Sebastian convulsed into a demented orgasm and ejaculated all over my fingers and the scissor blades.
We sat there for a few minutes, panting and staring at one another. I waited for Sebastian to smile and tell me that had been phenomenal. But he didn’t. He merely looked up at me with fright and regret.
I slept poorly that night, lay there stock-still for most of it, deep in disturbed thought. Sebastian, meanwhile, was rigid as a corpse on the other side of the bed, and did not wake. Once or twice I kissed him on the neck and the shoulders but there was no response.
The next morning I woke first and lay there for nearly an hour before Sebastian stirred too. When finally he turned to me, even his eyes looked washed out. I went to pat his thigh affectionately. He flinched. ‘Sebastian!’
‘Sorry. I guess I’m just still a little wired up over what we did last night.’
This was exactly what I did NOT want to happen. Even now I was overwrought in exasperation. Come on, Nichi, have patience here, I urged myself. You would never have lost it with one of the clients, whatever their reaction. ‘Would you like some tea?’ I asked him, trying to be kind.
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