by Janice Lynn
And his career right along with hers.
Where Amelia was concerned, he had a short fuse. Short? Knowing what being inside her felt like, he didn’t have a fuse. He looked at her and wanted to self-detonate.
Which meant for both their sakes he had to establish distance between them right here and now before they destroyed their careers. Before he destroyed the way she felt about him beyond repair.
“Yes,” he told Peyton, moving to the computer, “I think you’d better wait.”
“Cole.” Amelia moved toward him, but he held up his hand. She cast a cautious glance toward Peyton who in turn raised his brow at Cole.
“You mentioned you’d forgotten something?” Cole reminded his friend, knowing Amelia wouldn’t let him just slink away like the fool he was. No, she’d make him confront what happened. Better if that happened without an audience.
Peyton’s lips pursed. “I’ll be just down the hallway.”
He nodded his understanding. Peyton intended to play big brother and make sure Cole played by the rules. Where had his friend been twenty minutes ago when he’d needed a rush of sanity?
When Peyton stepped out of the room, Amelia took another step toward him, but Cole held up his hand to ward her off. The pain in her eyes sucker punched him.
But he had to do the right thing by Amelia. Even if he hadn’t moments ago. Especially because he hadn’t moments ago.
They’d almost been caught. Had it been someone other than Peyton they’d be in trouble already. He cared too much for her to do that to her. He shouldn’t have put her in this position to begin with. But he couldn’t resist her if she actively pursued him. Not when she was everything he wanted wrapped into the most amazing package. Saying to hell with rules and spending the next few days buried inside her was too tempting.
He’d do whatever was necessary to protect her, even if he was protecting her from him, from herself.
Unable to meet her eyes, he turned.
He never should have come on board. Never should have risked hurting her. What would her father say?
John Stockton had made him promise he wouldn’t do anything to put Amelia at risk.
If discovered, the Admiral would have Cole’s head on a platter.
But that wasn’t the worst of it. No, the worst would be living with the guilt of knowing he’d hurt someone so precious to him. Again.
“That was too close,” he began. “You need to stay away from me, Amelia. This can never happen again. It shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t want it to happen. Not like this.”
She stared at him as if he’d lost his mind. “You’re the one who pulled strings to get commissioned on my ship. You chased me until I couldn’t deny what I felt for you any longer. Stay away from you?” Glaring, she snorted. “Is that what you told my sister when you broke her heart, too?”
“I didn’t break her heart.”
“You broke off the engagement. Of course you broke her heart.”
Cole took a deep breath and told Amelia what he should have told her two years ago, but had felt honor bound not to. “I wasn’t the one who broke things off.”
Face tingling with disbelief, stomach roiling with nausea at the regret stamped on Cole’s face, Amelia bit into her lower lip. “Clara called off the wedding?”
His shoulders sagged. With relief? Hurt?
She knew about hurt. She’d just had the best sexual experience of her life end in disaster. Yes, it could have been worse. Peyton could have walked in on them five minutes earlier. They could be facing charges for not abiding by the rules.
“Yes, she did.”
Oh, God. Clara had called off their wedding? Not Cole? Amelia’s brain tried to wrap around his words, around the implications, and couldn’t.
“Why would she do that? She was devastated. She couldn’t have been the one to call things off.” Tears stung her eyes, but she’d die before she’d let a single drop fall. Dear sweet heaven. Clara broke things off with Cole? Why would any sane woman not want to marry him?
She must have seen their kiss. Must have been hurt by such a betrayal. Amelia’s eyes stung. Why hadn’t her sister said anything? Two years and Clara had never spoken of what she’d seen, had given Cole a glowing recommendation just a few weeks ago. Had her sister been giving her permission to love Cole?
“After you and I kissed,” Cole began, “I went to find her, planning to confess, but she called off the wedding before I could say anything.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” She wanted to hit him, hard. He hadn’t been the one to break things off. Clara had. And he’d left. Left! “You asked me to wait for you and then you left me.” She pushed against his chest, anger and hurt competing in her belly. “Why would you do that?”
“Clara asked me to leave.”
He said it so matter-of-factly that she stared incredulously at him. “You couldn’t have taken the time to talk to me? To tell me the truth?”
“No.”
She let his answer digest. “What about when you came to my dorm? Why didn’t you tell me then? If I’d known Clara had been the one to break things off…”
“What would knowing have changed, Amelia? Would you have welcomed me that night?”
Would she have? Probably not on the night he’d come to her dorm. She’d been too hurt by that point. “Had you come to me on the night of the rehearsal, had you told me everything then, I would have welcomed you.”
“I couldn’t tell you. Clara didn’t want your father to know the truth.” He glanced away, paused, then added, “For any of you to know the truth.”
Amelia tried to ignore the fact that he’d let Clara’s wants come between them, tried to understand, but she wasn’t sure she did. “Why are you telling me now?”
“Clara released me from my promise.”
Clara released him… Amelia’s gaze landed on the computer screen, registered who the e-mail pulled up was from. A fist gripped her trachea and refused to let go. “You’ve been e-mailing my sister?”
Was that guilt on his face? Oh, she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t keep her hands from shaking.
“I hadn’t talked to her in months, but she e-mailed me after port call in Singapore. We’ve been in contact since.”
Cole hadn’t left her sister. Cole hadn’t called off his wedding. Clara had. Her brain cells fired in a million different directions. “Why did you just make love to me?”
“That wasn’t making love, Amelia. That was sex, and it shouldn’t have happened. Not with so much at stake.”
Not making love. Sex. Shouldn’t have happened. Her vision blurred. “Are you in love with my sister?”
He rubbed his hands across his face, looked torn, then his gaze lifted to hers and he took a deep breath. “I’ve always loved Clara. I always will love her, but that isn’t what this is about, and you know it. This is about you and me and what’s between us.”
Amelia couldn’t take any more, couldn’t deal with all the emotions barreling through her. She’d given her heart to Cole, accepted that she loved him, had given her body to him freely, and he’d used her.
She felt dirty. Horribly, horribly dirty. Used. She was stupid. Very, very stupid. She’d been nothing more than an itch Cole had wanted to scratch. Part of her mind acknowledged that didn’t make sense, that he’d gone to too much trouble for just sex, but heartache blinded her to reason.
She called him every vile name she could think of, balling her hands into fists and pounding them against his chest.
Rather than stop her, he took her abuse, letting her vent her anger until she realized she was accomplishing nothing. Her halfhearted hits didn’t hurt Cole. Her rashly flung insults didn’t pierce his cold heart. He didn’t care. He’d gotten what he’d wanted from her.
“Clara dumped you and your damaged male pride demanded retribution. You knew how I felt about you and you used me, didn’t you, Cole? Used me to get back at my sister.”
He didn’t deny her claim and
great pain sliced through her, reminding her of all the reasons she’d vowed never to love in the first place.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE USS Benjamin Franklin had come into home port in San Diego early that morning.
While taking inventory of the ship’s remaining medical supplies, Amelia had mixed feelings on her first deployment coming to an end.
She’d barely seen Cole over the past week. He’d come to the office once, watched her, started to say something, then shaken his head and left. She’d wanted to follow him, to beg him to tell her whatever he’d been about to say, but what good would begging do?
Besides, she wouldn’t beg for any man’s love.
She couldn’t even ask him to help out around the sick ward. Sick call had been slow. The fact they’d soon be home seemed to raise the crews’ spirits and few needed their services.
Although she would have welcomed being busy to keep her thoughts from wandering, she also admitted she hadn’t been thinking clearly. Probably from lack of sleep and a broken heart.
Why had she let Cole in? Why had she trusted him?
Wasn’t that the crux of the matter? Even after the nasty ending to their lovemaking—she refused to call it sex despite him doing so—she didn’t regret having made love with Cole, only its less-than-ideal conclusion.
Not that she’d expected claims of undying love and a proposal. Not from Cole.
Which left her wondering what exactly she had expected?
But even as she thought the question, she knew the answer.
She had expected his love.
Because she’d believed he loved her. That’s why she hadn’t hesitated to make love with him. That as crazy as it had been, he’d fallen in love with her years ago and had come to win her heart.
He’d had her heart from the beginning.
She hadn’t known that’s what she’d been feeling for him, but she hadn’t been able to forget him, hadn’t been able to not want him, no matter how much she’d tried.
Which put a dark and gloomy cloud over her future.
If she hadn’t been able to forget Cole before, how was she supposed to move on with her life now, after what they’d shared over the past six months?
“You about done?” Suzie asked, crossing to where Amelia worked.
“About.”
“I’ve finished everything I’ve got to do and plan to go ashore.” Suzie eyed her worriedly, placed her hand on Amelia’s arm and gave a gentle squeeze. “Call me tonight?”
Amelia hugged her friend goodbye. Who knew when they’d next be assigned to work together, if ever?
“You’re going to your parents’?”
A sinking feeling settled into Amelia’s stomach. How would she hide her heartache from her parents? They’d take one look at her and demand to know what was wrong.
“I am.”
Plus, seeing her parents, being in their home, would envelop her with thoughts of her sister. Of Cole.
She loved him. Right or wrong. Smart or stupid. She loved him.
Who did Cole love? He’d cared enough for Clara to ask her to marry him and spend her life with him. He’d cared enough to keep her secret for two years. He’d just used her for sex. Or to get back at Clara. Or whatever it was he’d done.
She should hate him.
So why didn’t she?
It came to her in a blinding flash. Because she didn’t believe him.
She didn’t believe him.
Because he’d not been telling her the truth when he’d said they’d just had sex.
What they shared could never be just sex.
Why hadn’t she realized at the time?
Because his words had been poison-tipped arrows and had hit their intended target—her faith in him. But why? Why would he lie to her about how he felt? Because of Clara? Because of his promise to her? She’d confronted her sister and heard the whole story, that Clara had asked Cole not to say anything, wanting freedom and not wanting to face her family’s disappointment in her not marrying Cole since they all loved him so much. Clara had feared her father would march her down the aisle and tell her she’d thank him later.
Cole had gone along with her sister’s wishes and left, left Amelia when he’d asked her to wait for him. Why? If he’d really cared, would he have agreed to just walk away?
Perhaps. If he’d been afraid of his feelings.
Perhaps. If he wasn’t sure of how Amelia felt about him, if he wasn’t sure if she could ever get past the fact that he’d once been engaged to her sister, if he’d felt as confused as she had.
“What?” Suzie asked, eyeing her oddly. “What?”
“I…” She shook her head, wiped her hands down her pants. “I’ve got to find Cole.”
She needed to ask him why he’d come back that night to her dorm. To ask why he’d arranged his assignment on the USS Benjamin Franklin. To ask what he felt for her.
But she knew.
Cole cared for her. He had to. He wouldn’t have gone to so much trouble otherwise. Did he love her? Hope bloomed deep in her soul. He just might.
Suzie winced. “That’s not going to be as easy as you might think.”
“Why not?” Please, don’t let him have already left the ship. Please, no.
Please, don’t let him have left me again.
Suzie hesitated, her olive skin wrinkling into a grimace. “He said his goodbyes this morning and was leaving immediately afterwards.”
“Said his goodbyes?”
“He came by the dental office.” Suzie looked stricken. “He didn’t say goodbye to you? Really? He left without saying a word? After, well, everything?”
Amelia’s heart shattered. She closed her eyes to hold the millions of pieces inside. Although Suzie didn’t know about earlier in the week, she knew some of what had happened between her and Cole.
“Apparently so.” Cole had left her. Again. Knowing they might never see each other, that she’d never forgive him for leaving her a second time, he’d left. If he’d really loved her, could he have done that? Could he really have just walked away without seeing her one last time?
Of course he could. Obviously without even a backward glance.
Very simply, she’d been mistaken. Cole hadn’t loved her. Maybe he had feelings for her, but not enough. Not nearly enough.
She’d been such a naïve, love-sick fool.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.” Suzie wrapped her in another hug. “How could he just leave without saying goodbye? I can’t believe he’d do that. I really thought he cared about you.”
“Me, too.” But they’d both been wrong because if Cole cared he wouldn’t have left. Not without saying goodbye. Not knowing how that would devastate her and flash her back to the past.
Back to the first time he’d left her with a broken heart.
“Maybe he had his reasons,” Suzie offered.
“I’m sure he did.” But none that Amelia would ever want to hear. If she had to cut her heart from her chest, she was finished with Cole Stanley.
Finding Cole and Peyton’s room empty didn’t surprise her, only confirmed what she hadn’t really wanted to believe.
Cole had left her without a word.
Amelia’s parents lived a few miles outside the base. Amelia had been surprised her father hadn’t come to see her off the ship. Her mother had picked her up from the naval port, claiming the need to stop by the grocery store prior to going home to pick up something for the Admiral, who’d been indisposed at home.
Amelia had wanted to protest, but had decided to be grateful that her mother seemed too distracted to notice her daughter’s broken heart. She wanted to be home and curl up in the comfort of the familiar and pretend everything was going to be okay even when she felt as if things would never be okay again.
She knew she was being overly dramatic, that time healed all wounds. Even ones the size Cole had left in her chest. But right now it was hard to remember that.
“Amelia?”
She g
lanced toward her mother. The Californian sunshine shone in through the car windows as her mother drove towards the house, casting a glare across Sarah Stockton’s face.
“I asked you what was wrong. You don’t seem yourself.”
Okay, so maybe her mother wasn’t that distracted after all.
“It’s good to be back on land, that’s all.” No way did she want to admit to her mother that she’d fallen in love with a man her family would think her crazy for trusting. After all, they had loved and welcomed him up to the point he’d walked away from the eldest Stockton daughter. He’d abandoned them all.
And now he’d abandoned Amelia a second time.
“You’re sure? You look distraught.”
Amelia nodded, asked about the hospital where her mother worked. Her mother should have retired years ago, but refused to hang up her nurse’s cap, saying that as long as there was breath in her body she’d care for the ill.
Amelia was pretty sure her father felt exactly the same way, although apparently he’d gotten more and more wrapped up in military politics over the past few years and spent more and more time in D.C.
“I half expect him to announce we’ll be moving, but he may be in for a surprise.”
Startled, Amelia glanced toward her mother. “What do you mean?”
“I like San Diego and am tired of being uprooted. I plan to stay here regardless of his career plans.”
“You’re kidding!” Her mother never balked her father’s wishes. Never in the history of mankind. Well, at least never that Amelia was aware of.
“No, dear, I’m not kidding.” She reached across the bucket seat, patted Amelia on the knee. “No worries, darling. John won’t take a job in Washington if it means leaving me behind.”
“He won’t?”
“Of course not, dear.” Her mother smiled a knowing smile. “He’d miss me too much to ever do that. Besides, I have my ways of getting him to make the right decisions. Of course…” she winked “…he always thinks he’s the one who came up with the right decision and I love him too much to ever point out otherwise.”