As with every workday that we drove together, he stepped out of the building when he saw Ronnie’s SUV and walked to the vehicle with his satchel over his shoulder. He opened the door, took a seat, and then opened his bag to pull out his work.
Ronnie looked at him in the rearview mirror. “Morning, Mr. Hamilton.”
Derek ignored him.
Ronnie pulled onto the street.
I continued to stare at Derek and waited for him to acknowledge me.
He didn’t.
As if I wasn’t even in the car, he worked like I didn’t exist.
I spent my time working in his corporate office and handling the never-ending work that piled up there. I brought him lunch like always, dropping it off and not getting a reaction from Derek. Sometimes, I worked in his other office and organized his papers, but he still didn’t acknowledge my existence.
The entire week passed that way.
Lizzie was out of school for winter break, which was a relief because I didn’t know what to say to her. Her tutoring sessions were over, and I wasn’t sure how to break the news to her. She lived for those sessions, was motivated to reach for the stars.
But he never mentioned it.
When the week was over, I got scared.
Really scared.
I hoped Derek would snap out of it, that he would come to his senses, that he would realize he’d behaved irrationally and he loved me as much as he always had. But that didn’t happen, and he gave no indication that he even missed me.
It hurt…so fucking much.
When ten days came and went, I decided to try to talk to him. He was alone in the warehouse, sitting on a stool at the workbench as he worked on the new rover. There was no talk about the failed rocket, but I was certain it hadn’t left his mind, that it ate away at him every single night while he tried to go to sleep.
Perhaps his mind was full of so much stress that there wasn’t room for me anymore.
I approached the table and waited for him to acknowledge me.
He didn’t.
“Derek?” I kept my voice low and easy, making sure it didn’t come out emotional and broken.
“Yes?” He didn’t lift his chin to look at me.
It was so disrespectful. It was like we were six months in the past, when I’d first started working for him and hadn’t proven myself to him. It felt like he’d built a time machine and brought us to a period when neither one of us was happy. “Can we talk?”
“About?”
My eyebrows furrowed as he continued to treat me like shit. “I mean so little to you that you won’t even look at me?” I was hurt, but my angry tone masked that well.
He closed his eyes and gave a sigh, like I was his mother bugging him to do his chores. Then he straightened in the stool and looked at me, wearing the same cold expression he always wore, like I was Jerome or Pierre…someone that he didn’t love with his whole heart. “What?”
“What?” I snapped back. “What the hell is this, Derek? You dump me in a stairwell, and it’s like that never happened?”
He crossed his arms over his chest as he continued to stare at me. “What do you want me to say?”
“Not telling you about seeing your story and keeping quiet about Lizzie is so egregious that you’re going to treat me like shit?”
He dropped his gaze, not in guilt, but in annoyance. “I thought I could be in a relationship, and I can’t. That’s it. It didn’t feel right, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I’m sorry that I hurt you—”
“Are you out of your mind right now?” I snapped. “Losing your rocket, the memory of your mother’s death, my betrayal, and then whatever the fuck happened at that rehearsal dinner is enough to break us? I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to you. But you’re going to revert back in time to who you used to be when we first met? You said I was family. You took me to spend Thanksgiving with your family. You told my daughter you loved her. And all of that is just…insignificant? You’re really so weak that you break under the stress instead of rising above it? You’re so weak that you’re going to push me away instead of pulling me closer? This is really the kind of man you want to be?”
His eyes shifted away as he listened to everything I said. His hand moved to his jaw, and he rubbed his chin, letting the silence pass by.
I waited for the long pause to finish so I could get a response from him.
He dropped his hand and his gaze and stared at the table. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
He needed to take a long pause to tell me that? That he just didn’t care anymore? That he wasn’t spending his nights heartbroken like I was? “So, your response to trauma is not to feel anything at all? To just turn everything off and hurt someone worse than you’ve ever been hurt in your life? That’s the kind of coward you are?”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through—”
“Because you won’t tell me!” I raised my voice and came forward, so furious that I couldn’t sit still. “Tell me what happened, Derek. Tell me what happened with Tabitha and Kevin.”
He wouldn’t look at me. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“Wow.” I shook my head. “I’ve never thought you were an asshole, regardless of what you did, what you said, what you went through. But now…I do think you’re an asshole. You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me, his eyes hard like that meant nothing to him.
“Derek, I’ve been patient and forgiving countless times. But if you keep up this bullshit for too long, you’re going to miss your opportunity to fix this. Don’t expect me to wait around until you pull your head out of your ass. I don’t care if you’re the love of my life. I deserve better than that, and if you aren’t going to be what I deserve, then I’ll move on.”
He was quiet for a long time, just regarding me.
I hoped the tough love would snap him out of this. I meant what I said, and it wasn’t a ploy to get his reaction. But I hoped it would light a fire under his ass and make him see reason.
His response was a knife to the heart. “I want you to keep working for me. You’re good at your job. But maybe we shouldn’t interact anymore. Ronnie can take you to work, and I’ll drive myself. We can communicate via email.” As if the conversation was over, he dropped his chin and returned to work.
It was fortunate that he looked down because my tears were uncontrollable. They welled up my eyes and spilled over my lashes and fell down my cheeks. I didn’t release a sniff or wipe them away. I turned around and walked off, not wanting him to see how he’d ripped me into pieces with his painful indifference.
I didn’t want him to see how he’d ruined me.
Not that he would care if he did know.
Lizzie read Derek’s book on the couch in front of the TV. “Mom? When are we going to see Derek next? I feel like we haven’t seen him in forever.”
I stayed in the armchair, feeling absolutely numb, the same way Derek must feel right now, like it was impossible to feel anything but this subtle state of raw depression. “He’s just been busy. We’ll see him soon.” I didn’t lie to my daughter to buy Derek more time. His cold dismissal told me he wasn’t going to snap out of this—ever. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her, to start talking about it, because I would burst into tears and sob in front of Lizzie.
Lizzie stopped reading and turned her head to look at me. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I kept my voice controlled. “Just tired.”
She continued to study me, her eyes narrowing like she didn’t believe me. “Are you sure? Because you look—”
“I said I’m fine, Lizzie.” I snapped at my daughter when she was just showing concern, but I really wanted the questions to stop, for her to stop picking at my wound that was still fresh and red…about to bleed out everywhere.
But it made me feel worse, to treat her that way.
And that made m
e hate Derek, hate him for what he’d done to me.
Maybe I would handle my heartbreak better if I’d been heartbroken before. I didn’t fall in love in college or at some other point in my adult life. This was the first time it had ever happened to me, on the cusp of thirty, and it was such a hard time to experience it. It was like chicken pox, which was manageable to get as a child, but absolute torture as an adult.
And this was absolute torture.
3
Derek
Dad texted me. Want to come over for dinner tonight?
I’ve got a lot of work to do. Next time. He’d asked me last week and I’d blown him off, and then I did it again this week. Every time they asked, I would keep doing the same thing until they stopped asking altogether.
We’re planning to do Christmas at the cabin. Will that be okay?
Sure. I wasn’t going to Christmas. I didn’t even know when Christmas was. I grabbed my phone and checked the date. Jesus, it was in less than a week.
Will Emerson and Lizzie be joining us?
I stared at that message and immediately felt irritated. I knew this topic would come up eventually. I wished I could just say it was over and then be done with it. But if I told him the truth, it would result in a phone call…and a conversation…and another conversation. I’ll ask her.
Alright. Love you.
Love you too.
“Are you and Emerson no longer seeing each other?” Jerome stood beside me and asked the question while his eyes were on his work.
The question shook my focus. “Why?”
“She never comes in here anymore except to bring lunch, and…you’re different.”
“I’m fine.”
“So…are you seeing each other or not?”
I kept working. “No.”
Jerome was quiet and still. “You doing okay?”
“I’m fine.” I kept working.
“Are you sure? Because ever since the rocket—”
I snapped. “If you want to go out with her, go ahead. I don’t give a damn, Jerome.”
“Uh, that’s not why I’m asking.” He stepped away slightly, like he felt like he needed to give me space. “I’m just checking in to make sure you’re okay. That’s all. And it doesn’t seem like you are.”
“I said I was fine.” I lifted my chin and looked at him, giving him a cold stare that warned him not to press this. “We’ve got a lot of shit to do before Christmas break, so can we focus?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I sat alone in the warehouse, working on the rover I intended to work on over Christmas. I didn’t want to take a trip to the cabin with my family. Hot cocoa and long conversations sounded dreadful right now.
Her heels tapped against the floor as she approached me. “Derek?” Her voice was firm and professional.
I lifted my chin and looked at her because it was the first time we’d spoken that week.
Her gaze was disgusted, like having this conversation with me was unpleasant. “I’m leaving for Christmas break. Is there anything you need me to take care of before I go?” Her hands came together in front of her waist, her body posture completely different than it used to be.
I shook my head.
She turned around the second she was dismissed. “Have a good Christmas, Derek.”
“Yeah, you too.”
Dad texted me. Hey, little man. Mom just wants a final head count. Emerson is coming with Lizzie?
I stared at the message and wanted to ignore it. They can’t make it.
Oh, that’s too bad. Maybe we can have them over tomorrow before we go? Have a little Christmas celebration?
My dad was being a pain in the ass. I think they have plans. Don’t worry about it.
Alright. My dad left it alone.
I went back to work.
But he texted me again. Everything alright?
How did he pick up on that through a message? Yes. Just busy.
Because I feel like there’s something wrong, Derek. You’re sure?
Yes, I’ll talk to you later.
4
Emerson
I took Lizzie shopping for last-minute gifts for her grandma and grandpa. She made a little money throughout the year doing chores around the house and the occasional fund raiser at school, and it was sweet that she saved her limited funds for Christmas presents at the end of the year.
She walked through the store and sighed to herself. “Ugh, shopping is hard.”
I moved with her, my hands in my pockets. “Grandma and Grandpa will like anything you get them. Don’t stress about it.”
“No, I already know what I’m getting them.” Lizzie stopped in front of a display of mugs. There were different logos on each of them. Best Teacher of the Year! Best Dad! Best Boss! “I’m looking for something for Derek. What about this?” She grabbed the best teacher one.
I froze in place, and like a wrecking ball swung right at me, it broke me into pieces, ripped apart my stomach, left me as physically destroyed as I felt emotionally. I cupped my mouth and sobbed instantly, right in the middle of the store, really feeling the pain I’d tried so hard to fight.
Lizzie was so shocked that she dropped the mug on the floor and the handle chipped off. “Mom?”
I couldn’t even stand. I lowered myself to the bottom of the display shelf and sat there, breaking apart right in front of my daughter, hit so hard by her gesture that it killed me. It killed me that he’d left me. It killed me that my daughter loved him, and he’d left her. It killed me that we’d spent Thanksgiving with his family, and now he’d abandoned us for Christmas.
“Oh my god…” Lizzie moved beside me and wrapped her arm around me. “Mom, what’s happening right now? You’re crying… You never cry. What’s wrong?”
I cupped my hands over my face and did my best to slow my breathing, but it was useless. I couldn’t bring myself to a level of control. I was just too heartbroken to see reason. I sobbed in the middle of the store. “Derek…broke up with me.”
Lizzie was still, staring at my face, watching her mother cry. “Oh…”
I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself, to get my shit together and not look like such a weak person. I only displayed strength to Lizzie so she would be strong as she went through life. But now, she had to witness a meltdown. “I’m sorry…” I forced myself to close my eyes and hold my breath for a few moments to get the tears to stop. Then I turned to her.
Lizzie was crying too. “Mom, it’s okay.”
Seeing her cry made me cry. “Honey…” I knew she wasn’t crying because Derek was gone. She was crying because I cried, because it hurt her to see me like this, to see me break apart for the first time in her whole life.
“Mom.” She wrapped her arms around me and held me in the store, crying with me, sobbing beside me, holding me when I had no one else to hold me. She was there for me when she shouldn’t have to be, because the man who was supposed to be there decided to abandon me, to hurt me beyond repair, to hurt me the way the world had hurt him.
Lizzie stopped reading his books.
I hadn’t asked her to do that.
She didn’t ask about him either. She was overly nice to me, doing her chores and my chores, making me dinner, being positive instead of complaining like she usually did. She snuggled with me on the couch.
She was the best friend that I needed.
I had thought it many times in the last twelve years, but she really was the best thing that had ever happened to me.
My phone lit up with a text message…from Deacon.
I assumed they knew what happened by now, but his message said otherwise. Emerson, I feel like Derek has been a bit off lately. I know that his rocket was unsuccessful, and I expected him to be a little distant because of that…but is that all it is? Is it because of the wedding?
I read the message many times, my eyes filling with tears because I would miss them both so much. They were so loving and warm, and I really could picture them as my in-laws, a
s Lizzie’s grandparents.
I almost didn’t text him back. It was just too hard.
Derek hadn’t told them the truth, and instead of hoping it was because we might get back together, I knew it was just because he didn’t want to talk about it. He never wanted to talk about anything. Derek broke up with me a couple weeks ago.
The three dots didn’t pop up.
He probably needed some time to process what I’d said.
He didn’t text back.
But then he called.
His name appeared on the screen, the display lighting up the living room.
I walked into my bedroom and took the call. “Hey…” I sat at the foot of the bed in the dark, the sound of the TV still loud from the living room.
Deacon spoke with concern. “I had no idea, Emerson. Derek didn’t mention this.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“Why?”
“He just doesn’t like to talk about things.” My eyes watered as I listened to his voice because he felt like a father to me, a father-in-law I would love to have.
“You’re right…he doesn’t.”
“So…” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I loved his parents. “I’ve really—”
“Can we come over?” Deacon asked. “Cleo and I have presents for you and Lizzie, and we would love to spend some time with you. We’re leaving for the cabin tomorrow. I asked if you and Lizzie were coming, and Derek said you had plans… Now I realize that was a lie.”
“I…I would love to see you. But I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’m just…” I closed my eyes and felt the tears run down my cheeks. “I’m going through a really hard time, and I just don’t think—”
“You’re still family to us, Emerson. I don’t know what happened, but I think I have an idea. And if my son has chosen to be an idiot, that doesn’t mean we can’t choose to see you. Please.”
The Boy Who Has No Redemption (Soulless Book 8) Page 2