There was less tightness in my chest, less bitterness. Instead of seeing him as the asshole who stabbed me in the back, I saw the person he used to be, somebody who still cared about me despite the mistake he made. “So, you’re getting married?”
He nodded. “I am.”
“What’s she like?”
“Um…” He took a drink of his beer, like he needed to moisten his throat. He hadn’t expected to have a conversation with me, for us to talk like friends, for us to catch up on our lives. “She’s gorgeous…funny…awesome. When I met her, I just knew.” He shrugged. “I know that sounds lame, but that’s how it happened. We met about a year ago, and I proposed to her within seven months.”
“Good for you.”
“Thanks, man. I didn’t know what love was until I met her. I was just going from woman to woman, not really thinking about the future, and then we met. The ending of my story was written.”
I instantly thought of Emerson, the woman I wanted every day for the rest of my life, through the good and the bad, through the darkness and the light. I lost that, and I didn’t think I’d ever get it back. “What’s her name?”
“Beatrice. People call her B.”
I nodded. “Nice.”
“What about you? I saw you with that woman at the rehearsal dinner.”
I dropped my gaze at the mention of Emerson. “We aren’t together anymore.”
“Oh.” He drank from his beer and didn’t ask any more questions about her. “How are your parents?”
I closed my eyes at the question then looked into my glass, thinking about my mother at home right now…bald and tired. “They’re good.” I brought the glass to my lips and took a drink, needing the booze to drown out my sadness.
Kevin stared at me, like he’d picked up on my change of tone. “Can I ask you something personal? You said you know what it’s like not to be forgiven… What happened?”
I wanted to shut him out and keep my secrets. But I knew that wasn’t who I was anymore. No more hiding. No more pretending. I lifted my gaze and looked at him. “That woman I was with…I dumped her when things got tough. My rocket failed, you and Tabitha pissed me off, everything went to shit, and I pushed her away. I loved her with everything that I had, and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I dumped her anyway…in a stairwell after the rehearsal dinner. And when she tried to reach out to me, I ignored her. Now I’d do anything to take back what I did. I would do anything to have her in my life again. I caved under all the pressure, and I reverted to the asshole I’ve been for the past ten years. But when I realized my mistake, it was too late. She doesn’t trust me. She won’t forgive me. She won’t take me back.” I dropped my gaze and looked at my scotch, feeling sick with the regret.
Kevin was quiet for a long time. “Fuck…I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” I took a big drink then set the glass on the table with an audible thud. “I know what I did was unforgivable, but if she knew how much I regretted it, maybe she would give me another chance. She still loves me. But that trust is broken, even though I’m a completely different person now. I’ve changed, and I’m not going to change back ever again.”
“Maybe in time, she’ll feel differently. You know, it took you some time to come around.”
“It wasn’t time that made me come around.” I took a moment before I looked at him, prepared to lay the truth out on the table. “My mom has cancer.” It hurt to say it out loud, to admit that my miserable life was a reality, that every moment I wasn’t with her might be the time she slipped away.
He inhaled a deep breath and looked visibly distraught. “Jesus, man.” He shook his head. “Fuck, that’s terrible. That’s just terrible. She’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. She was like a second mom to me. She doesn’t deserve that.”
“Yeah…she doesn’t.”
He shook his head. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it either. And your dad…”
My dad had already lost himself without even losing her. “Watching my parents go through this made me wake up. It made me snap out of my bullshit. Made me realize that I need to pull her closer instead of pushing her away, because she’s everything to me…just the way my mom is everything to my dad.”
“And that wasn’t enough for her?” he asked quietly, in slight disbelief. “Sometimes it takes a tragedy for people to realize what’s really important to them. We all take things for granted. We all make mistakes. We’re all human.”
I looked down into my glass again, seeing only a few drops left. I pushed it aside so the waitress would return with a refill. My elbows moved to the table, and I looked at Kevin again. “She doesn’t know.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “Because I hoped I could make it right on my own. I hoped I could get her back because of the way we love each other. If I tell her the reason I’ve changed, I feel like that will affect everything when it normally wouldn’t.”
“Yeah, I guess,” he said. “But that’s what you needed to realize your mistake. And maybe this will help her understand it’s a mistake not to give you another chance. Life is about perspective. This will completely change her perspective. And if you still love each other, you should forgive each other and be happy together…instead of being miserable apart.”
18
Emerson
Paul never came.
Thank fucking god.
Maybe he got hit by a bus or something.
I couldn’t believe a nice guy could flip like that once he felt he was treated unfairly. He had been a perfect gentleman, but when he realized I lied, he turned into an entitled psychopath. It taught me a lesson I already should have learned—you never really knew someone’s true colors until they chose to reveal them.
I sat in the armchair and enjoyed my wine in front of the TV with Lizzie on the couch.
With her knees pulled to her chest, she held her phone up so she could watch a video. Her earbuds were in her ears. Sometimes she would pause and pull her notebook toward her to write something down.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?”
Her eyes immediately lifted, looking like she was caught red-handed with one hand in the cookie jar. “Homework.”
“But you’re watching something.”
“Oh…just YouTube.” She dropped her chin again and kept working.
After her grades fell, she stopped caring about school. I had to force her to do her homework every single day. But when I told her not to depend on a man for anything, she snapped out of her self-pity and started to try again.
I didn’t want her to have this attitude in high school when her grades would truly matter, so it was great that she was determined to regain what she’d lost, to keep going even if it was hard.
To never give up.
When I stepped into the warehouse to deliver some paperwork, Derek was sitting on the stool at his workstation with all his stuff around him, wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Jerome and Pierre seemed to have already left for the day.
Instead of being focused on his work as usual, he just stared into the distance, at nothing in particular. His gaze didn’t shift, and he didn’t blink. He was frozen in place, his mind far away from this warehouse, far away from his work.
I quietly shut the door behind me then crossed the room toward him.
He didn’t look at me, not because he was ignoring me, but because his thoughts were so absorbing that he didn’t notice me.
When I came closer, I noticed how different he looked. He was still handsome, but his hair hadn’t been trimmed in a while, his facial hair continued to grow in without a shave, and the bags under his eyes left distinct shadows that made him appear exhausted all the time. His eyes were bloodshot, and there was a slight grimace on his face as if he were always in pain. He’d deteriorated right before my eyes. “Derek?”
He flinched like he’d been spooked, really having no idea I was there. He inhaled a deep breath and
closed his eyes as he rubbed his chest, calming his racing heart before he looked at me again. “I didn’t see you there…”
I set the papers on his desk and continued to look at him, this shadow of the man I once knew. “Everything okay?” I knew my rejection wasn’t the answer he’d wanted, but I found it unlikely that it would cause him to spiral like this. He’d lived without me for three months just fine. Nothing had changed. It seemed like there was something else weighing him down.
He rubbed the back of his neck before he dropped his gaze and looked at the surface of the table.
I waited and hoped for an answer.
He cleared his throat then looked at me. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I knew it was a lie. He knew I knew it was a lie. “Just because you and I aren’t on good terms doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. If you need something, I’m always here.” I knew he didn’t deserve that compassion, but it was impossible not to give it. It was impossible to watch someone suffer and just walk away. I hated that about myself, that I gave him sympathy when he gave me none.
He stared at me for a long time, his bloodshot eyes starting to water. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” He acknowledged the gesture but never gave me the answer I wanted. He kept his thoughts to himself, like always.
Nothing had changed.
I left the papers in front of him. “Just wanted to leave these here. Good night.”
He nodded. “Good night.”
I left the warehouse and returned to the main building to retrieve my purse. Now that I took the bus every day, I had to follow the schedule. It only came every two hours, so if I missed the five o’clock one, I had to take the seven o’clock one. It didn’t happen very often, especially since I didn’t feel any ambition to stick around and continue to put in the hours. When I’d stayed late in the past, I was essentially doing that for free because my job was salaried, but it never bothered me at the time. Now, I didn’t want to give Derek Hamilton another moment of my time unless it was necessary.
I grabbed my stuff from the desk.
Right when I grabbed my phone, it rang.
It was Cleo.
I stared at the screen as I watched it ring, considering whether I should answer it. I’d told her I didn’t want to have a relationship with her and Deacon anymore because it was too hard, and she’d accepted that decision without rebuttal. So, if she called now, there must be a reason. Maybe she wanted to tell me why Derek was such a mess every day. I took a seat behind the desk and answered. “Hey, Cleo. How are you?”
A smile was in her voice as usual. “I’m doing good. What about you?”
“No complaints.” I didn’t want to tell her about all my horrible dates, how I hated seeing her son every day, that he tried to get me back and I shot him down so quick—like a dunk. “Lizzie has been using her mitt for her games.”
“Oh, that’s great. I’m glad she still likes it.”
“Yeah, she loves it. So, what’s new with you?”
Now, there was a long pause, a really long pause.
My eyebrows furrowed. “Cleo?”
“Well…I wanted to talk to you about Derek. I’m sure you’ve noticed he’s been a little different lately.”
“Yeah, I did notice.” He wasn’t even working part time because he took so much time off. He didn’t seem to concentrate at work. His mind was always elsewhere. “I asked him about it, but he’s never given me an answer. Is he okay?”
“He didn’t want to tell you, but I think you should know.”
My god, my chest was so tight I could barely breathe.
“About six weeks ago…we found out I have cancer.”
When I returned to the warehouse, Derek was standing at his workbench, but just like earlier, he seemed distracted. He stared at the wall across the room, his fingers fidgeting with the pencil between them. He took time off to be with his parents, but the days he was there, he didn’t get anything done because he was so stressed out.
Now it all made sense.
I walked to the desk, and just like earlier, he didn’t notice me. Whatever he was thinking about took up his entire brain, and he didn’t pick up on the sound of my heels on the floor, the closing of the door behind me.
Normally, I stopped across from him, keeping the desk between us.
This time, I went around and walked right up to him.
When he picked me up in his line of sight, his eyes shifted and focused on me. He didn’t jump like last time, but he inhaled a deep breath when he realized I was there, that he wasn’t making it up in his head. His hand dropped the pencil onto the stack of papers as his eyes narrowed on my face.
My eyes were wet from the tears I’d shed in my office, thinking about the burden Cleo carried by herself, about the idea of losing such a good person from this world. When I thought about how much it affected Derek, it made me cry harder. And thinking about Deacon…who loved her more than himself.
He stared at my face, his eyes starting to mirror mine, knowing that I knew.
That I knew everything.
I slowly moved into him, and my hands made contact with his arms, my fingertips gripping his muscular frame for the first time since before Christmas. My palms slid over his body as I came closer, as I inched into his body, taking my time to make sure he was responsive to my affection.
My arms wrapped around him, and I held him against me, squeezing him into my chest, my fingertips digging into his clothing because I needed a good grip. This embrace wasn’t just for him, but for me too, because I loved his mother with my whole heart.
He didn’t reciprocate at first. His arms just hung there for a second, like he might push me away and step back, but then his thick arms wrapped around me, squeezed me harder than I squeezed him, and he started to cry.
His face moved into my neck, his wet tears sticking to my warm skin, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. He held me tighter, held on to me like he needed me as his anchor, as his crutch so he could continue to stand strong.
My hand cupped the back of his head, and I let him lean on me, let him let everything out, my own tears falling down my cheeks and dripping into the fabric of his gray shirt. He breathed deeper and harder, his cries turning into sobs.
I closed my eyes and listened, listened to him fall apart in my arms.
He sat across from me on the couch in his office, where he used to sit when we had lunch together back when times were good. His elbows were on his knees and his hands were together, his face puffy from the tears he’d shed, his eyes red from the constant dryness. “She’s been in chemo for a while. But we don’t have enough data to determine what the outcome will be. The tumor is shrinking, but…” He inhaled a deep breath and stopped talking, like it was too much. “When they told me, I broke down. I can’t even recall what happened. I ended up in the hallway somehow. And you know who came after me? She did. She held me, said everything would be alright, and that I needed to take care of my dad.” He pressed his palms into his face for a moment as he calmed himself so he could keep talking. When he pulled them away, he released a loud sniff. “Who does that? She’s the one with fucking cancer, and she’s taking care of us.”
My eyes watered at his story. “That sounds like her.”
“I know it does. She’s the best fucking mom in the world…and I can’t lose her.” He dropped his chin again. “I think about all the times they invited me to dinner, and I blew them off… Fucking stupid. I think about all the times we had lunch, and I wasn’t really present because I was thinking about a prototype or some bullshit. That’ll haunt me for the rest of my life, regardless of what happens.”
“Derek, we’re all guilty of that.”
“But my parents…my parents are the best.”
I nodded. “Yeah, they are.”
He rubbed his hands together and released a loud sigh, shuffling through various emotions, heartbreak, misery, regret.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” This had been going on a long time, an
d even when I asked what was wrong, he never gave me an answer. Why wouldn’t he tell me he was going through this terrible thing? I screamed at him and watched him cry in his own office…and I never would have done that if I’d known.
He lifted his chin and looked at me, taking a long pause filled with slight shakes of his head and looks of consternation. “I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”
“Obligated to do what? Derek, it doesn’t matter what happened between us, I will always be there for you through times like this—”
“And I don’t deserve it.” He dropped his gaze. “You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I hurt you and Liz, and I didn’t deserve your compassion and sympathy. You had every right to be upset with me, to say how you felt, and if you knew about my mom, you never would have said any of it.”
No, I absolutely would not have.
“And…I didn’t want you to take me back because of the situation.” He turned to look at his desk, like he wanted to make sure he couldn’t see my reaction at all. “I hoped that if we talked, we could work it out. But if I came in telling you the reason everything changed, your reaction would have been completely different. You might have excused all my previous behavior because of my pain, and I didn’t want that. I’m really sorry about what I did, and I deserve to suffer. I didn’t want to do this the easy way. I wanted to do it the right way.” He turned back to his hands and watched his palms rub together.
“It was your mother’s diagnosis that made you feel differently?” If that had never happened, would Derek have continued his tirade of indifference? Would he have continued to treat me like shit until I found a new job? Would we have never spoken again?
He nodded before he lifted his head and looked at me. “After they told me, we were at the hospital. They took my mom away for her treatment, so it was just my dad and me. He puts on a strong front for my mom, but once she was out of the room, he collapsed. He sobbed into my shoulder and said he couldn’t live without her. That was when I thought of you, when I realized you were the person I couldn’t live without, and the fog that numbed me vanished. My eyes opened for the first time in months, and I looked at you…really looked at you…and realized what I’d done. My dad has reverted to the asshole he used to be before he found my mom, and I realized I’d done the exact same thing.” His eyes watered as he looked at me. “Shit got hard, and I just ran away…like I always do. I let the past defeat me. I let my weakness destroy the best thing that ever happened to me.” He dropped his gaze for a moment like he couldn’t look at me anymore. It took him a while to find the strength to meet my gaze once again. “I’ve come to realize that our time on this earth isn’t guaranteed. You should never take those you love for granted. If you love someone, you’re always there. Always. I’ll never run from my problems again. I’ll never let the past define me. The way my dad feels about my mom…is the way I feel about you.”
The Boy Who Has No Redemption (Soulless Book 8) Page 13