How Not to Get Shot

by D. L. Hughley

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to my son, Kyle.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  How to Use This Book

  Icons Used in This Book

  Part I: How Not to Get Shot by the Police

  1: Comply with Police Orders

  2: Don’t Talk Back

  3: Don’t Break the Law!

  4: You Have to Understand: Cops Are Scared

  5: Do Be an Angel

  6: Don’t Drive like a Suspect

  7: If You Do Get Shot, Don’t Rush to Judgment

  8: The Real Way to Not Get Shot by the Police

  Part II: How to Look

  9: Don’t Match the Description

  10: How to Dress Less Threatening

  11: Don’t Have Gang Tattoos

  12: How to Do Your Hair

  Part III: How to Act

  13: How to Be Nice and Quiet

  14: What Kind of Music Should You Listen To?

  15: Stop Making White People Say the N-Word

  16: How to Not Come from a Single-Parent Household

  17: What to Name Your Kids

  18: How to Get a Job

  19: Stop Taking Handouts

  20: How to Move into a White Neighborhood

  Part IV: Understanding White People

  21: What Kind of Black People Do White People Like?

  22: Your Bill of Rights

  23: “I’m Not Racist, I Have Black Friends”

  24: How to Not Be a Reverse Racist

  25: How to Not Play the Race Card

  26: End White-on-White Crime!

  27: How to Make White Food

  Part V: Tidbits of Advice for White People from Black People

  28: It’s Hard Being White, But Try to Make Do

  29: Pay Attention to Signs

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  Also by D. L. Hughley

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  Tamir Rice

  Michael Brown

  Philando Castile

  And on it goes.

  In America, a black dude is three times more likely to be killed in encounters with police than a white guy. If you’re black, you already know why #thisbookmatters.

  This might be the most important book you buy this year, you cheap mofo. After all, if you get shot, how the heck are you gonna read more books? You’re dead.

  This stuff has been going on so long, I don’t know if a book can help, but why not try?

  That’s why I present to you How Not to Get Shot: And Other Advice from White People, a how-to guide for black people, full of advice from white people, translated by me, a black guy. Got it? Oh, and pass the book along to white people, too.

  And if you’re Asian or Latino, let me be the first black man to give you some advice: buy this book now because once we’re gone you’ll be next.

  But, D.L., is this a joke?

  I’m a comedian, but I’m serious. You know how you try to baby-proof your home by putting little things over the outlets? Well, this book is like that: I’m gonna try to police-shoot-proof black people as much as we can. Will it work? Who knows? I mean, sometimes a kid still sticks his fork in a plug and gets zapped—but it’s still worth a try, right?

  I started thinking about this a little bit ago, when I went on Megyn Kelly’s Fox News show to get lectured about the killing of Philando Castile, getting told yet again that if a black man had just followed police orders he wouldn’t have ended up shot dead. This was before America decided Kelly wasn’t racist anymore and let her move from Fox News Channel to NBC. That time it was Philando Castile, but it could have been Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, or Keith Scott. Or Alton Sterling. Or Walter Scott. Or Stephon Clark.

  I had Megyn Kelly telling me that “we don’t know if Philando threatened a police officer with his gun,” presuming yet again the innocence of the police over the innocence of the victim. Of course, now we do know what happened—a police officer shot a man for no reason. Big surprise. And then they stacked a jury with pro-police white guys and he got off, of course.

  When these incidents happen, black people hear this over and over: “Who knows what happened?” And then we get the inevitable advice on how these victims should have acted differently:

  “Comply with police orders.”

  “Don’t resist arrest.”

  “Don’t break the law and you won’t get shot.”

  White people are always giving out “helpful” advice. These mofos have been doling out tips to black people ever since “I suggest you pick the cotton if you don’t like gettin’ whipped.” It seemed crazy to me that we keep hearing this stuff over and over.

  But then I had a moment of clarity: What if they were right? What if Megyn Kelly was actually onto something?

  See, for a little while there, it seemed like white people were on their way out, what with a black president and everything. But now we know that Barack was just the intermission and it’s back to the real show. It’s “Welcome back, niggas. The show must go on.”

  Look, we’re in a different place now. If Trump can get elected after everything we know about him, maybe white people know what they’re talking about, right? This is a guy who was heard on tape saying he likes to grab women’s pussies; made stupid red hats a fashion item after spreading racist lies that Barack Obama wasn’t born in America; buddied up with Vladimir Putin . . . but he’s still our president. We ain’t in Kenya anymore! Let’s face it: the White Man is back.

  How did this happen? I blame Nat Turner. In 1831, that dude had his slave rebellion, scared white people, and basically ruined it for all black people. That was one of the first times that a black dude did something, hundreds of miles away, that f-ed stuff up for everybody. Some black dude’s like, “Mofo, I’m just trying to get work, I ain’t rising up!” and then he got hung.

  Ask any old black southerner: they all know the story of the slave uprising, because it was incredible: even when black people were slaves, white people were afraid. And that fear was about losing control of black people. Before “black-on-black crime,” before we asked to vote, before #BlackLivesMatter, we were being shot and hung by the police. Police are basically doing now what they’ve always done, which is to keep niggers in their place. Whether it was removing us from a lunch counter or telling us to get back across the line or hanging us for made-up reasons, they have always been the agent of bringing black people to heel.

  So unarmed black people getting killed isn’t new, it’s retro. Today, it’s unarmed black people getting killed in high-def and on camera phones. The technology is new, but the story is old. Used to be, you had to wait for some mofo to make a drawing—now we got the killing on Facebook Live or on a body cam, if we’re lucky. Have you ever noticed how when something happens that people don’t want you to know about, their body cam goes off?

  But when they do have body-cam footage, that oughta settle it, right? Video should be proof, but somehow it isn’t. After all, what good is a grand jury looking at a body cam video if they don’t have bias-proof glasses?

  So that’s the way I’ve always seen things. But Megyn Kelly woke me up. See, we’ve been trying to insist on equal rights, having a voice, police reform—but we forgot that white people are the arbiters of knowing everything. Maybe we should listen to the wisdom they’re offering us?

  And after all, not getting shot by the police has always been a problem for black people; even when we had a black president! Now that we have a new set of overlords, with President Trump at the helm, wouldn’t it be nice to get a little advic
e on how not to get shot? And maybe even how to dress and listen to music?

  So no black person wants to hear another bit of advice from a white person, even if they aren’t as full of crap as Megyn Kelly or Donald Trump. They’re so tired of it all. I get it. But maybe I, D. L. Hughley, can help bridge this divide. Perhaps I can take on the mantle of this burden. Maybe I can police-shoot-proof a few black people by listening to the arbiters of what’s right and wrong.

  That’s why I’ve decided to compile the best pieces of advice together in one book: How Not to Get Shot: And Other Advice from White People, the etiquette guide that black people didn’t know they needed until White America doubled down on White Power.

  How to Use This Book

  NOTE: If you’re in immediate danger of being shot by the police, put down this book and keep your hands where the police can see them. You’re not Luke Cage and this book isn’t made of titanium and it won’t make you bullet-proof. Cops don’t usually shoot people holding books, but you never know what might “look like a gun.”

  Okay, so you are tired of getting advice from white people about what to do and how to act. It feels like you can’t turn on the TV or read a newspaper without some white guy telling you how to live your life and how to be. I know.

  But what if I told you that following the advice of white people could make you happier, healthier, and a little less threatening to white people? Wouldn’t you like to know why white people are the way they are? Wouldn’t it be good to know why they’re being such dicks all the time?

  No? Okay, well, wouldn’t you at least like to make fun of them for a bit? Okay then, great! Keep reading.

  How to Use This Book

  You know how to use books, so I don’t want to overexplain it.

  The book is divided into five sections:

  1. How to Not Get Shot by the Police

  2. How to Look

  3. How to Act

  4. Understanding White People

  5. Tidbits of Advice for White People from Black People

  In each section, I’ll present a quote from the most prominent purveyors of white culture to get the best advice possible; everything from Bill O’Reilly’s guidance on how to name your kids to Mark Fuhrman’s instructions on speaking politely. Then I’ll translate this advice into practical tips to improve your black experience by making it whiter. Each section will feature specific bits of helpful advice such as “How to be nice and quiet” and “How to wear your hair” along with charts and graphics to keep you from getting too bored.

  White People Advice Through the Ages: A History

  White people have been giving advice for as long as anyone can remember there being white people. Before that it was probably hairy people receiving advice on how not to get speared by less hairy people. They probably had an #AllNeanderthalsMatter crowd back then, too. That’s actually not a joke: scientists now believe that early European humans were responsible for killing off their (bigger-brained) Neanderthal cousins forty thousand years ago. This shit is in white people’s DNA! If Neanderthals had had this book, maybe they’d be around today.

  But here we are in the twenty-first century. We find ourselves at a unique point in history where black people shouldn’t have to listen to white people, and yet white people still have lots of advice to give. Let’s look at white people advice through the ages:

  1619–1865: SLAVERY: Advice is a bit more . . . mandatory.

  1896–1965: JIM CROW—A lot of helpful white people advice starts with “boy,” as in “Boy, you better not look at me that way,” not “Boy, I’d like to buy some black people ice cream.” Other white people advice: where to sit, what water fountain to drink from, what part of the country to flee.

  1970s: “Why can’t you be more like Roots?”

  1980s: Why can’t you be more like that nice boy Michael Jackson?

  1990s: If Rodney King had just complied with police orders . . .

  2000s: White people discover another bunch of scary colored people: Muslims. The heat is off.

  OBAMA ERA: Lalalalala, I don’t have to listen to you anymore. Fuck you, white people!

  TRUMP ERA: Oh shit, my bad. What was that, white people?

  Icons Used in This Book

  Throughout this book you’ll find eight or so sidebars that will help make the process of learning even easier. I might add more later. I haven’t decided. Don’t pressure me. It’s the beginning of the book:

  “Wise Words”

  These special boxes include quotes from all sorts of people that will guide and inspire you.

  “DLialogue”

  Sometimes I just gotta say something in my own words. And that’s when I’ll give you a DLialogue. I know that’s a fucked-up-looking term, but it’s my book, so I’ll do what I want. When you write your own book, you can call it what the fuck you want!

  “Tip”

  Just like the tips white tourists leave when they visit Harlem, these tips are all a bit patronizing.

  “Remember”

  “Remember” is just a tip by another name, but I gotta fill this book somehow.

  “Anecdote”

  Not to be confused with “remember,” an “anecdote” is a short personal story that I’m remembering.

  “Did You Know?”

  These are short bits of statistics or other real hits of information.

  “Let’s Meet!”

  Enjoy these short profiles of notable white people and their inspiring life stories.

  “Stuff White People Say”

  Here we’ll listen to what some white people say, even if we don’t want to.

  Anecdote

  The First Time I Got Advice from White People

  My earliest memory of receiving advice from white people was from teachers commenting on my school work. They wanted to talk about how I wasn’t applying myself—not that I just didn’t get it. I don’t know if I wasn’t trying or if I, in fact, just couldn’t. Nobody knew I had a learning disability that they hadn’t diagnosed. They thought it was just that I didn’t apply myself. I wasn’t trying. Not much has changed for black kids in school.

  But that’s the first time I remember getting advice from white people. They seemed to have all the answers. They always knew what to do.

  You have to understand, I grew up on 135th and Avalon in South Central Los Angeles, so the only white people in my neighborhood were the policemen, the teachers, and the insurance men. Those were the only whites around. The insurance men were there because, in my neighborhood, all deaths were sad, but not all deaths were shocking. So some mothers and fathers saved a college fund for their kid, and some just bought extra insurance. “Because if this motherfucker’s gonna get killed in the streets, I’m gonna get me a new car.”

  So as a kid, the only white folks I knew seemed to have all the answers: they were in charge of teaching, security, and making sure people got a payout if the whole thing went wrong.

  Part I

  How to Not Get Shot by the Police

  In this part, we’re gonna get right into it and make sure you know how to not get shot by the police. First of all, we’re going to figure out the right way to talk to the police so they feel more empowered to not shoot you. Then we’ll take a look at how to put cops at ease, since being a cop can be very scary, especially when you’re dealing with very scary black people. And if you do get shot, let’s not rush to judgment. Sure, being shot can be upsetting but we don’t want to paint all cops with the same brush. After all, they’ve been through a traumatic experience.

  Are you ready to not get shot? Let’s go!

  1

  Comply with Police Orders

  “Here is the bottom line: if you don’t want to get shot, tased, pepper-sprayed, struck with a baton, or thrown to the ground, just do what I tell you.”

  —Sunil Dutta, LAPD officer and adjunct instructor of homeland security at Colorado Technical University

  “Comply with police orders!”

  That�
��s the first thing you’ll hear from white people: if you don’t want to get shot, just comply. If a black person gets shot by the police, white people ask: “Why didn’t they just do what the officer said?” White people can’t understand it: it seems so simple.

  Is it that simple? I wish it was. Let’s make sure you’re complying the right way.

  Comply with the Spirit of the Order

  Just do what the cop says. But also make sure you are complying with the spirit of the request. A police officer wants you to comply with both their command and the way they want it done.

  Let’s take Philando Castile. Philando Castile was shot when he reached for his wallet. Officer Jeronimo Yanez asked him for his license and registration and then he got shot. Why? Because he didn’t comply with the spirit of the request.

  Put yourself in Officer Yanez’s shoes: He pulls over a random black guy because he’s seeking a robbery suspect. Officer Yanez spotted Philando’s “wide-set nose” that “matched the description” of a robbery suspect. Did the robbery suspect also have a girlfriend and a child in his car? Well, robberies are weird—you never know if that baby in the back is a tiny gangster dressed up as a baby or something.

  Officer Yanez smelled marijuana. What kind of a monster smokes marijuana in front of their kid? Bear in mind this is not Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Or California. Or Alaska, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington. In Minnesota, weed is still a very dangerous drug.

  So he’s obviously scared. He’s got a dangerous robbery suspect, high on marijuana with his robber girlfriend and robber baby. He asks for Philando’s license and registration. Did Philando comply? Yes and no.

  He did comply by reaching for his wallet. But then Philando tells the officer that he has a gun. We know that Philando mentioned this so that the officer would be aware of it and not be scared. But it does the opposite. It scares him. He freaks out. Officer Yanez doesn’t know why this dangerous criminal is announcing he has a gun. And even though Philando is reaching for his license as he was asked to do, Officer Yanez assumes he’s reaching for his gun and shoots him.