5. Fold in blueberries.
6. Fill muffin tins with batter. But leave about ⅓ unfilled like a promise to reform the police department. Top with cinnamon/sugar topping.
7. Bake about 25 minutes, until a toothpick inserted comes out clean like a drug test.
8. Allow muffins to cool while the grand jury investigates. I mean, let them cool until they can be removed from the tins without breaking apart. You know, stonewall until you almost forget there are muffins.
Yes, to you this recipe seems silly. But if you give this gluten-free muffin to one of your white neighbors, it’s like lost-key insurance. “Oh, I remember you: you’re the black dude who just moved in. I thought you were a burglar but then I remembered those delicious muffins you brought me and I thought, that’s the one with the dog with wheels!”
Part 5
Tidbits of Advice for White People from Black People
I’ve spent a book putting together a bunch of advice from white people for black people. Hopefully you’ve found it helpful in understanding what white people think and how to put their white guidelines into your life.
But what about a short section, separate but equal, that gives white people a little advice from black people? Why not? Like I’ve said, white people are the arbiters of knowing shit. But I bet we have a little bit of advice that white people could use, too. We’ve spent a book listening to you all. Why not see if black folks have some tidbits of advice for you?
28
It’s Hard Being White, But Try to Make Do
We all know it’s hard being black. But have you ever thought about how hard it must be to be white? Especially a white, middle-aged man? Everywhere you look (I mean—not everywhere—not on Fox), your opinions and lifestyle choices are being questioned. It used to be that your word was law. But now . . . what with multiculturalism, feminism, and so on? It’s hard to be a white guy! That’s why two out of every three white men voted for Trump.
In 2015, two Princeton economists showed that for the first time in our history, the mortality rates for uneducated, middle-aged white men are rising, while they are dropping for every other ethnic group and demographic. And they’re not dying because of some epidemic or because of a war. They’re dying from depression and substance abuse issues. They’re drinking, they’re taking drugs, they’re committing suicide. But have you ever noticed that when it’s white kids on drugs, it’s a crisis; when it’s niggas on drugs, it’s a crime?
White let them down. “Broke” is killing people. Because if you’re poor and white, you’re kind of just a nigger with no training.
I’ve spent the book saving black people’s lives. Let me take a moment to save some of my white brothers, too. #WhiteLivesMatter. Here’s some advice: don’t kill yourself because you’re broke. Don’t do it. Relax. Do shit like us black people do. Let us help you.
You know how people say, “What would Jesus do?” Think, What would a nigger do?
You have to think like that. What would black folks do? Not kill themselves! Because we’re poor? C’mon now. That’s not it. That’s ridiculous. “WWAND?”
Broke Money Tips for White People
So I’ve got some tips to save your broke ass:
Your Phone: Put your phone in your child’s name. You don’t have to kill yourself because your credit’s bad; just put your phone in your kid’s name. He doesn’t need good credit for a while. There’s no need to be depressed.
Your Bills: If you can’t pay your bills, at least lie to them about it. The electric company doesn’t want to hear “I can’t pay.” They want to hear “The check is in the mail.” It’s just like lying to your girl: “I love you.” I love you, too. A little white lie keeps the relationship alive.
Your Car: Geico could save you 15 percent on car insurance, but when you’re broke you gotta save 100 percent on car insurance. And since you’re white, all that happens if you get pulled over without insurance is that you’ll get a fine that you won’t pay.
Your Job: Jobs are what give you money and benefits. But if you’re broke, the benefits we’re talking about aren’t health and dental, they’re free sliced meats from the deli department samples or cut-it-yourself firewood. Hey, it’s something.
Your Investments: Maybe you used to play the stock market and miss the opportunity to have your money triple if you hit a hot stock. Well, let me introduce you to scratch tickets. Sometimes you can buy a $5 scratch ticket and win enough for two more scratch tickets. Just be careful about making too many “investments.”
How to Save Money: Saving money when you’re broke is hard. You can clip coupons, only buy things when they’re on sale, cut back on things that aren’t necessary. Oh, you did all that? Well, look, it’s been a while since I’ve been broke, so why you bothering me with this shit? How come you’re spending money on my book when you don’t have it? That’s the kind of dumb shit that got you in this mess.
So if you’re feeling down, don’t do anything drastic. Look on the bright side: middle-aged blacks still have a higher mortality rate than whites, although the gap is closing. So shit ain’t as bad as we got—yet.
Thanks, White Supremacists!
I don’t like white supremacists, but I gotta give credit where credit is due. When I saw the white supremacists in Charlottesville with those tiki torches, the first thing I thought was, Those are the same torches I use in my backyard to keep bugs away. I had no idea that citronella worked on niggers so well. I had no idea. So now I know how to end my barbecue early: “Oh, hey, nigger, is that citronella? I gotta go. Ernestine, get the kids. This dude’s got citronella.”
I thank them for that.
29
Pay Attention to Signs
We know that signs are for white people. They’re never for us. Whenever they put a sign up, somebody white got hurt right there. “Deer crossing,” “Bridge ices before road,” “Slippery when wet”—all of them. Something happens to a nigga, they don’t bother to put up a sign. So you know if there is a sign, white people watch out.
In 2016, a little boy was pulled into the water by an alligator at Disney World. What the fuck was the kid doing wading around in the water? When black people see a sign that says “No swimming,” we figure someone knows what the fuck they are talking about. It was horrible, but that’s why they had the sign there. Black people respect warnings. Don’t fuck with that stuff. You go to a nigga’s house, they still have those tags on their pillows that say “don’t remove.” A black person’s like, “Hey I don’t know what that’s all about—better leave it on.” There’s black people scratching their necks right now because that collar tag is tearing them up, but they don’t want to take it off. “Who’s Inspector Nine? He must know something. That’s not Inspector One. Nine’s a high number. You don’t get to Nine by fucking around.”
And of course, when a black kid gets dragged around by a gorilla, everyone sides with fucking Harambe. White kid: oh, the alligator’s bad. Black kid: it’s the kid’s fault! Harambe got shot for the same reason niggas did: because he was big and strong and people were scared of him. I felt bad for him because, just like my people, he was taken from his homeland, brought to a foreign place, and told to adapt. Then they shot him. He didn’t kill that kid. They killed him because they were scared of him, just like us. He basically got shot because company dropped by.
Don’t Eat Too Much Sugar
Don’t do it! Sugar is yummy, but too much is bad for you. Trust me, it’s not working out good for us. It’s the best advice I ever got from my eight-toed grandmother.
Not specific to being black or white, that’s just good advice I thought I’d throw in there.
Oh, also: eat your vegetables.
Don’t Get “White-Girl Wasted”
Don’t do it. Because you’ll inevitably reveal that you had sex with a black person or said “nigger.” It just goes bad from there.
Epilogue
So here we are at the end of the book. We’ve been through popular w
hite advice on how to not get shot by the police, how to look, how to act, and we’ve tried to understand white people.
But listen, even if we took all of your advice, some of which I’m sure is well-meaning, well-intended, and well thought out, we’ve seen instances where it just doesn’t work. Nothing is guaranteed.
You say comply with police orders, we still get shot.
You say don’t break the law, we still get shot.
You say don’t talk back, we still get shot.
You say be more like white people, dress differently, act differently, and yet the results are not the same as for white people.
So what does work? Go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.
Are you still black? Don’t be. The only way to ensure that all these things work the way they’re supposed to is to not be black. If you can, avoid it all costs. If you have to do it, whatever you do, don’t ever do it on the weekend. If you have to be black, can you just be weekday black?
You know what? Scratch that. We gotta have you fully not black. After sifting through all this white advice, that’s really the best advice I have for you: How do you not get shot by the police?
Don’t be black.
Acknowledgments
I’d like to acknowledge all the men and women who were killed by police while I was writing this book! Obviously I want to thank my radio family: David Kantor, Jim and Tracy Robinson, Skip Cheatham, and Jasmine Sanders. Thanks to my literary crew: my man Richard Abate, my editor Peter Hubbard, and my collaborator Doug Moe. Thanks to Leyna Santos; Yvette Shearer; my Comedy Get Down brothers Eddie Griffin, Cedric “The Entertainer,” and George Lopez; my road team, Gary Monroe, Lew Oliver, and Derek Robles! My managers Michael Rotenberg and Dave Becky, my agent Nick Nuciforo, my dude Kensation Johnson, my right-hand Sonya Vaughn. Love to my family: my children, Ryan, Kyle and Tyler, and my sexy-ass wife, LaDonna Hughley.
About the Authors
D. L. HUGHLEY is one of the “Original Kings of Comedy.” He hosts The D. L. Hughley Show, a nationally syndicated radio program broadcast on sixty stations. His comedy specials have appeared on HBO and Showtime, and his satirical documentary, D. L. Hughley: The Endangered List, received the prestigious George Foster Peabody Award. He has created and starred in shows on BET, ABC, Comedy Central, TBS, and CNN. His comedic oral history of the Obama Years, Black Man, White House, was a New York Times bestseller. In 2018, D. L. was ranked #1 on the Hollywood Reporter’s “Comedians Social Media Rankings.” He lives with his family in Los Angeles, California.
DOUG MOE is a writer/actor/comedian at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York City. His book Man vs. Child was picked as one of Amazon’s Best Humor Books of 2017. Follow him on Twitter @dougmoe.
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Copyright
HOW NOT TO GET SHOT. Copyright © 2018 by D.L. Hughley. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
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Digital Edition JUNE 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-269855-1
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269854-4
Version 07262018
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