Let Her Go

by Briana Pacheco

  My phone rings, halting my decision on which ice cream I should buy. What the hell, I can just get both. Karamel Sutra Core and Chocolate Cherry Garcia it is, I guess. I put both pints of ice cream into my shopping cart and then dig through my purse for my phone.

  Owen’s name pops up on the screen.

  “What’s up?”

  “I was on my way back home when I spotted a cute little thing and I don’t know if I should take it home with me.”

  I look around me. He can’t possibly be here, right? He used that line once freshman year and scared me half to death when I turned around and saw him standing behind me. It was also one of the cutest things he could’ve ever said.

  “Sorry, it’s not you. But you are coming over.”

  “Oh, is that right?” Mr. Bossy.

  “Yup. So…the cute thing. What should I do?”

  “What is it?”

  “Can’t tell you. If I take it home, you’ll love it. I just know it.”

  He does everything with me in mind. It makes me feel special, but I also feel like I’m holding him back. His entire life I was by his side. If he does something, he’ll question how it’ll benefit me. He never does anything for himself. It’s why I made him promise to date other women in college. I wanted him to let me go. I wanted him to live and be happy and know that it’s okay to move on from the childhood crush. Young love messes with your head. You’re too young to know what you want. It’s when you leave home and sample a few new things (people) that you start realizing love means something different as you grow older and wiser.

  His love never faded. It only got stronger.

  “I made up my mind,” he says, bringing me back to reality.

  “Looks like you know what to do. Calling me wasn’t needed,” I tease.

  “Yes, it was. I love hearing your voice. It makes my day.”

  I look down at my feet and smile like a Care Bear.

  “Okay, I gotta go before I lose him. Call me when you’re on your way. Love you, Zo.”

  The line cuts off and I’m left wondering what he meant when he said “him” instead of “it.”

  After I head home to drop off the groceries, Echo sends me off with half a pineapple upside down Bundt cake to bring to Owen and Freddie. It was so good we could’ve finished the entire thing but our hips wouldn’t like it.

  She’s staying at home because some guy in one of her classes is coming over to “study.”

  Yeah, who is she kidding? Not me.

  I get into my car and drive down to Owen’s apartment. He’s waiting downstairs by the time I park in the garage, and he’s sporting a mega-watt smile. “This weekend will be one of your favorites.”

  I wink at him and offer up the aluminum foil wrapped cake. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

  Owen’s eyes sweep over my body before meeting my eyes. Whatever he’s thinking, he doesn’t let it show. I’ve noticed he keeps it PG until I start something. And when I do, I can’t seem to move past the “let’s take off our clothes and touch” stage. That dry humping moment we shared a few days ago wasn’t planned. My body craved his touch and my mind didn’t play tricks on me. When it feels like it will, I tell myself that it’s just us. Only us. It works until it doesn’t. His fingers on my skin…it makes me think of my past. And I hate it.

  Please God, tell me that he can touch me and I won’t freak out. Please!

  “Follow me.” He slips an arm around my waist and we head up to his apartment on the seventh floor.

  Opening the door, Owen lets me walk in first and then he directs me to head into the living room. I walk past the open kitchen area, and my eyes land on the tall cat tree that wasn’t against the wall the other day. I take a step closer, looking over my shoulder to an excited Owen. He pushes his lips out and blows a few kisses, his eyes darting away from me.

  I look back and see something furry stick out of the hole on the lowest level. My eyes get bigger as an orange Exotic Shorthair tabby cat comes out of hiding.

  “Owen!” I turn around, wide-eyed. “You bought a cat?!” Can this guy be anymore perfect? God, why couldn’t he be an asshole? It’d make things so much easier as to why we never were a couple when we’re so close.

  He walks up to me with a beaming smile and shakes his head. “I’ve seen him walking around the building for the last two weeks. Every time I tried to grab him, he ran. Until today.” His eyes drop and he scratches his jaw. “I haven’t seen any missing cat flyers so I brought him here. For you.”

  I drag my eyes back to the cat and my lips start to curl. Owen knows how much I love cats. I never had one growing up because Dad is allergic, but he did buy me a stuffed one when I was eight. His name was Pretty Kitty. I accidently left him at one of Dad’s work sites and Pretty Kitty was never found again. It broke my little heart until Owen showed up at my house with a backpack full of chocolates and my favorite candy.

  I take a few slow steps toward the stolen cat, his beautiful green eyes locked on mine. I blink a few times, showing him that I’m relaxed. I heard that’s a thing. When I’m within reach of him, I lower myself until I’m on my knees and I extend my hand. The cat steps back, almost hiding in the cat tree again but then he slowly comes forward until he’s a centimeter from my hand. He bumps my hand with his head and starts to come closer.

  He jumps onto the floor and slowly rubs his cheek on my hand. My heart goes pitter-patter. Instant heart eyes. “Hi,” I whisper, rubbing his cheek with my finger.

  He rubs his cheek on me some more, purring, and then he turns around, jumping back onto the lowest level of the cat tree. He watches me as I stand and walk back toward Owen.

  “He is the cutest thing ever,” I gush. “He’s mine? Like I can take him home?”

  “Yes. If someone ever comes around looking for him then we’re fucked, but for now, he’s yours.”

  “Why are you so perfect?”

  “Because I love you.”

  And I love you but it isn’t that simple…

  Our gazes collide before Owen reaches for my hand and pulls me against him. “I bought the tree the second I brought him here. He loves it. Well, he hasn’t left it besides to get some food so I’m guessing he does.”

  “We can’t be on him twenty-four seven. Cats don’t like clingy people. We need him to do his own thing while we do ours. He’ll get a feel for us. When he’s ready, he’ll come around.”

  Owen’s brows furrow. “Like you?”

  I nod slowly. “I guess I can see the comparison. I must have been a cat in my previous life.”

  Owen chuckles and leans forward, his lips almost on mine. “And what about your next life? What do you think you’d be?”

  Yours.

  “A panther,” I admit. My lips curl slightly thinking of his favorite book. “And you’d be a little boy named Mowgli.”

  His eyes widen a fraction in shock and then they match the smile on his lips. “Looks like I’m going to enjoy my next life.” Owen brushes his nose against mine. “But first, let’s live this one. It has everything I want within reach.”

  “Everything or someone?” I whisper.

  He presses his lips against the side of my mouth. “You. It’s always been you. Nothing else matters.”

  I don’t get to talk. Not like I can think of any words to say. Owen captures my lips with his and takes my breath away. Just like he’s taken everything else I have to give.

  My heart. My soul. My love.

  He slips his fingers through my hair and tilts my head back a bit while his other hand searches for my left one. He presses one last kiss to my lips as he intertwines our fingers. Bringing our joined hands up to his lips, he plants a soft kiss on each of my knuckles.

  I lick my lips and say, “I still feel like this isn’t real. You and me.”

  “We’ve been an us for seventeen years. I think it’s time to start believing it.” He winks at me, stepping closer until we’re chest to chest. “I am completely and utterly obsessed with you
,” he murmurs, bringing his mouth to my neck.

  My eyes flutter closed. My heart explodes. My own personal hell is invaded by bright lights, and confetti cannons start going off, lighting up the darkness.

  I was once the sole focus of a man obsessed.

  It was nothing like this.

  Our little moment gets interrupted when the front door opens and then slams shut. “Are you going to show me your pussy or what?” Freddie asks, walking into the living room. He raises his eyebrows when all I do is stare at him, speechless. “The cat.” He points to the cat tree and then his eyes dart between us. A lazy grin takes up residence on his face when he says, “But I wouldn’t mind seeing your–”

  “Finish that fucking sentence and you’ll be dickless before morning,” Owen cuts in, squeezing my hand a little harder.

  “Yeah, yeah. Okay, so where’s this mysterious cat that has apparently replaced your cock with a vagina?” Freddie walks past us, looking over his shoulder at me to add, “He was walking the streets at night, blowing kisses and calling out, ‘here, kitty, kitty’ for the last few days. I had no idea if that was his mating call or him starting to go insane.”

  I turn my gaze on Owen to see him rolling his eyes, and I start giggling. “So that’s your mating call? Do you want to pet my kitty?”

  His eyes lock on mine, the playful look in them now replaced with something more; lust and desire.

  My giggling stops when I feel what that look does to me. I don’t know why I said that, but holy shit, the way his eyes are traveling down my body, setting my skin on fire makes me want to high-five myself and squeeze my thighs together to relieve the ache that’s building up.

  “Well, aren’t you a cute, round motherfucker,” Freddie remarks from somewhere around us. “What’s his name? Or is it a girl? Hello?”

  Neither Owen nor I answer him. We’re too busy mentally undressing the other. My skin is on fire and heat is pooling between my legs.

  A face appears to my left, forcing me to look.

  Freddie stares at me with a playful look in his eyes. “Do you guys need me to point you in the direction of the bedroom? I can turn on some music while I go shower so you two can fuck your brains out without any problems.”

  Owen shoves Freddie back, annoyed. “Fuck off, Freddie.”

  “Will do, boss.” He salutes us as he walks toward the kitchen, heading toward the bedrooms. “Okay, but I really am curious. What’s the cat’s name?”

  Without hesitation I say, “Mowgli. His name is Mowgli.” Freddie nods and then disappears, heading into the bathroom. I pull Owen toward the couch so we can watch a movie or whatever and let the cat get used to us. I don’t want to freak him out or leave him alone just yet. And I need to stop thinking about how damp my underwear is getting.

  “What do you want to watch?” Owen questions, picking up the TV remote. He might go for an old western movie. He loves those.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I just want to spend time with you.” I feel his eyes on me as I get comfortable. I prop my legs up on his lap and wiggle my toes. “A foot massage doesn’t hurt either.”

  He chuckles and drops the remote beside him. “Anything for you, princess.”

  I feel the fire within my body get doused in ice-cold water hearing those words.

  “He’d do anything for you, baby girl, but he doesn’t know you’re mine. Say it. Say you’re mine and then we can head back to his birthday party.”

  That was mere seconds before my life imploded. Before “this is wrong” turned into purgatory. It was thirty minutes before the car accident happened.

  It was the moment the rest of my innocence was stolen from me. The only part reserved for Owen.

  “Zo?” Yeah? “Zo, what were you thinking about? You zoned out for a few seconds.”

  “Nothing.” I shake my head, trying so fucking hard to get that memory to lock itself back up. It’s too dark. It’s revolting.

  I wiggle my toes and force a smile on my lips. “I don’t think you’re done just yet.”

  His fingers hit all the right spots on my feet but his eyes never leave me. He tries to understand what’s going on in my head. What he needs to understand is that it’s safer for him not knowing.

  “How does cooking dinner sound? Freddie isn’t leaving, is he?” His concerned look shatters my heart. I hope he can drop it.

  I’m sorry, Owen. I can’t ever tell you that chapter of my story.

  “Yeah.” Owen clears his throat. “We can make dinner. So you’re spending the night then? You won’t ditch me?”

  I shake my head as I lower my eyes to my lap.

  “I can’t seem to ever leave you,” I confess.

  For the next two weeks, it’s true. I’m barely home anymore. I go to my classes and then I crash at Owen’s with Mowgli and Freddie.

  I visit my therapist once and almost tell her the truth, the whole truth about the accident. Instead I tell her about the nightmares and she offers to prescribe some new medication that might help. I told her that probably wouldn’t work for me anyways so she gave me advice on how to try and overcome them. How can I do that when she doesn’t know the true ending of it?

  Why do I do this to myself?

  Either I have to take pills or I have to confess the truth.

  Both are things I don’t want to do.

  I didn’t go home to Oregon for Thanksgiving last night. My parents and I decided that it’s easier if I visit for Christmas so I could stay longer. Ever since I moved to Washington it’s what I’ve been doing. Besides, my parents are usually busy working on the holidays so I don’t want to interfere. They’re doing their thing in Portland.

  I went to Indiana with Echo instead. After I was stuffed like a turkey I spent the night with the Jamison’s watching the movie Storks, which was way funnier than I thought it’d be. By the morning I felt like I was imposing so I took an early flight back to Seattle against their wishes.

  I’m cleaning the house when I hear someone knocking on the door. Mowgli stops midstride, staring at me. I guess he won’t be much help with determining if someone sketchy is at the door.

  I take off my yellow rubber gloves and throw them into the sink. Heading toward the door, the person knocks again. I creep into the living room, moving the curtain to the side to see if I can make the person out. I can’t see anything.

  “Zoë, are you creeping?” I hear Owen say behind the door.

  My face splits in half and I feel something fluttering deep in my chest. I walk over to the door and open it, making sure Mowgli doesn’t try to escape.

  Owen stands before me in an olive green military style jacket bunched up at the elbows, with his signature black t-shirt underneath and jeans. He’s holding a pecan pie in his hand and it has a lit candle stuck in the middle.

  “Happy Birthday,” he says, a cocky smile on his lips. “Ari made this for you.”

  “You’re supposed to be spending Thanksgiving weekend with your family.”

  He shrugs. “You only turn twenty-two once. It’d be really shitty of me to miss that.” His lips part into an O and he digs into his back pocket for something. “Your parents weren’t home but they did leave this in the mailbox for me to give to you.” He holds out a pack of Milka Oreo chocolate bars wrapped beautifully in a light green ribbon. “Your dad also mentioned depositing some money into your account so you can go shopping.”

  It is Black Friday.

  I grab the chocolate bars and blow out the candle in the pie. My wish is that I can be intimate with Owen and be perfectly sane during and afterward.

  “Thank you for coming,” I tell him, pulling him into the house so I can kiss him.

  He kicks the front door shut and kisses me a little harder until he pulls away. “How do you feel about heading to University Village with me to see if there’s anything worth buying?”

  I cringe, not really wanting to go because of the crowds of people that will be there but it’s better than cleaning.

  “Fine, but a
fter I have some pie.”

  He agrees.

  After a few slices of my favorite thing in the world Owen kisses me one more time before I head upstairs to change into a green plaid button up shirt with skinny jeans and ankle boots.

  We make the drive over to the shopping center. Parking is a bitch but we manage to find a spot and then we spend a few hours walking in every store, taking goofy pictures of each other and celebrating but not really celebrating my birthday. I don’t celebrate my birthday because we can’t celebrate Owen’s. I ruined his for life so it’s only fair we think of mine as any regular day.

  We head back to Owen’s place after I drop off everything I bought at my house, minus one bag. I kidnap Mowgli so we can spend the night with my best friend.

  I have plans for tonight.

  No one will stop me from fulfilling them.

  If Owen didn’t show up today I probably wouldn’t have thought of these plans but since he’s here and I can’t stop thinking about his mouth on me, I need to follow through with what my mind is telling me.

  When we get into Owen’s apartment we let Mowgli run free and we leave Owen’s purchases in their bags in the living room. We cook up something fast and easy and have a quiet dinner together.

  With Freddie not coming back until much later tonight, I grab the Victoria’s Secret bag I smuggled in and I head to the bathroom.

  I pull out the black floral lace and mesh babydoll nightie with a matching thong I bought while Owen was browsing around the Microsoft store.

  I hold it up against my chest and breathe in slowly.

  I can do this.

  He can touch me and I won’t freak out.

  I slip out of my clothes and into the nightie. I let my hair down, fluffing it up so it looks a little sexier. I wish I had some color to my hair. I haven’t dyed it in a year.

  Kicking the bag under the bathroom sink I walk out into the living room feeling a little self-conscious.

  Owen is standing by the window, looking out.