I’m fucking useless.
I never paid attention to the clues the world was handing me. I turned a blind eye to everything, only seeing Zoë. Only seeing what I wanted to see.
She gives me life. And what did I do for her? Love her and break her heart all at the same time.
I should have noticed something back then. Why did I never fucking notice?!
“Owen, what’s going on?” Ari asks, her voice cracking. She stares at me with tears running down her cheeks, and I want to ask her the same question I asked Beckett, but I want to protect her. She was only five when he died.
She was…
My throat constricts when it hits me.
Zoë was six when it started.
Was Ari next?
Was it already happening?
Oh God.
Would he hurt his own daughter?
If that accident didn’t happen, what would have happened?
Do I ask Ari or Mom?
Do I say anything at all?
Zoë never said anything. Maybe she doesn’t want anyone to know? Ever think about that, dipshit?
Fuck, I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.
I feel like I’m betraying my best friend and ruining my family at the same time.
I square my gaze on Mom. Her wide, frantic eyes are on me, silently asking what is going on.
“He was a child molester.”
Fuck, my heart fucking hurts thinking about my father and knowing this truth. We loved a…monster.
Mom’s hand flies to her mouth and she shakes her head back and forth, like I’m lying and she refuses to believe it.
My eyes land on Ari. She doesn’t know whether to look at me, our brother or our mother.
“Ari, I am so sorry but I have to–”
“No!” My mother screams, taking a step forward and blocking Ari from my view.
“Ari, did Dad ever to–”
“Owen, stop this!” Mom reprimands. “Stop this right now.” Her eyes are on the floor, shaking her head back and forth, mumbling that he wasn’t a bad man.
Why is she doing this? I need to fucking know!
“Ari, go to your room,” Mom finishes.
“But Mom, I don’t–”
“Ari, please! Go upstairs! Now!”
Ari walks out of the bathroom, her eyes locked on mine until she’s heading out into the hallway, her footsteps loud as she runs upstairs.
It’s so quiet in the bathroom.
It’s the calm before the storm.
Because I feel like something bad is about to happen. My world is not done exploding.
“Did he touch her?” I ask, forcing my mother to look at me. “Did he hurt her too?”
Her blue eyes flick up. I see the torment swimming in them. The guilt. The truth.
Please, God, say no.
Her hand flies up, landing on my cheek. The sharp sting doesn’t register until Mom’s gasping over the fact that slapped me.
I don’t ask again. I don’t have to. I know.
“She’s too young to remember,” my mother sobs. “Please, she can never know.”
I fall back against the sink, sliding to the floor. He is not the man I thought he was and I let Zoë run away thinking I didn’t believe her.
“She was only four. I didn’t…he said he would take care of her bath. I was so tired, Owen. I had to do everything. I needed to relax, just for five minutes. When I walked in…” Mom clutches her chest tightly, eyes darting everywhere but not focusing on anything. “His hand was near her…but he was drying her off. He didn’t…he wasn’t…” Her eyes drop to the floor and she whispers, “His hand lingered there…between her legs.”
Jesus Christ.
“He never did that again. I swear.” Her eyes capture mine. “He was a good man.”
I kept thinking the same thing until I looked up at Zoë and saw her blank stare. She confided in me and I made her feel like she was lying. That was the last thing I wanted. It was a lot to process and everything in me tried to believe the words she was saying but it went against everything I thought I knew.
I’m so fucking sorry, Zoë.
“No, he fucking wasn’t,” I answer back.
Beckett doubles over and vomits on the floor, mumbling that this isn’t real. The blood from my hand mixes in with it.
I look up at the bathroom door, my eyes landing on Echo who is leaning against the wall of the hallway. Her eyes are locked on mine. Until they travel over to my mother. “If you said something…did something, your husband probably never would have raped my best friend.” Echo pushes off the wall, pulling Freddie with her.
My mother’s eyes widen and her guttural sob breaks my heart. That’s if my heart has anything left to break.
I hear Echo call out for Mowgli, ordering him to get into the caddy.
I hear her telling Freddie that they’re going to see where Zoë ran off too.
I hear her shut the front door, closing us in this hell.
I see the moment I caused all of this to happen.
My father hurt Zoë…because of me.
Owen, Fifteen years old
I was pacing my room for the hundredth time today. I was so nervous over what I was planning on doing. Nervous yet thrilled. I was going to ask Zoë out. I was done with this “we’re just friends” thing. I love her. And I think she loves (or really likes) me too.
She texted me an hour ago telling me she was coming over for my small birthday party. Mom wanted to celebrate before Zoë and I headed out to do something. Zoë also apologized for running off the second she saw my father in the woods. He wasn’t supposed to be there and he knew that. I still didn’t know what he was doing there and it pissed me off because he caused Zoë to freak out. That was our spot. No one else was allowed.
I saw something different in the way Zoë was looking at me yesterday. While we walked around town, watching the little kids ring doorbells and say “trick-or-teat,” she wasn’t more than a few inches from me, running her fingers over her collarbone a few times every time she found me staring at her. She kept her arm linked with mine and giggled over the littlest things. And when she hopped onto my back because her feet were starting to hurt, she laid her head against the spot between my neck and shoulder and kissed it softly. That was something she never did. Like, ever.
She was happy. And we were alone.
Whenever we were alone, her eyes shined a little brighter. It made me feel–
“Owen, are you ready?” Dad asked, walking into my room, interrupting my thoughts. “Ari wants to eat her cupcake before she heads over to Nicholas’ party.”
I stopped pacing and exhaled. “I’m going to ask Zoë out.” Damn that felt amazing to say out loud.
His eyebrows shot up in surprise as he leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. “And does Zoë know this is something you’ve thought about?”
I ran my hands through my hair and tugged. “I love her. And she knows that. I haven’t really kept my feelings a secret.” It would be so embarrassing if I read all of this wrong and she didn’t want to be more than friends.
Dad shifted his weight onto the other foot and cleared his throat. “Does she love you?”
I locked eyes on him. “I think she feels something for me.”
One chilly afternoon last week, Zoë and I were down by the creek and while she was sitting beside me with her legs draped over mine, she shut her book and dropped it onto her legs and said, “You know, you’d be the perfect book boyfriend. I would fangirl hard every time you showed up in a book. You’re pretty amazing.” Zoë and her books are like humans and oxygen. She needs them to survive. And to hear that I’d be one of her book boyfriends is basically the biggest compliment she could ever give a person.
She said and did things that made me think she’d want to be “more” with me. I didn’t know what to do with all of those little things anymore. I needed to just ask her out already!
Her mom called the second I
was going to say something and then she was gone, running back home because her dad needed her.
She left me wondering what she meant with that statement.
“What if it doesn’t work out? Maybe you two were meant to be just friends.”
My eyes narrowed at my father. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad.”
His lips twitched before he opened his mouth. “I’m only trying to help. I never thought we two were this serious. She never seemed…interested.”
Wow. What a nice thing to hear on your birthday, the same day you plan to grow a pair and do something you’ve waited years to do.
“I don’t mean to sound harsh, son. I want you to be prepared for any outcome.”
“Yeah, I will. And I’m one hundred percent sure she’ll say yes when I ask her to be my girlfriend.” I swiped my cell phone off my bed and walked past him. “I thought you would’ve been proud of me. You love Zoë.”
I walked out of my room, leaving my father behind, and I headed downstairs, toward the kitchen. I couldn’t think of what Dad was saying. Because those thoughts crossed my mind, too. Today was a day full of positives. I didn’t have time for the negative.
Ari had a chocolate cupcake in her hand and another stuffed in her mouth when I spotted her. She grinned up at me. “Happy Birthday, Owen,” she said in her adorable childlike voice.
“Thanks, Ari.” I kissed her puffed out cheek and grabbed the container holding two more cupcakes. “Ready to go to Nicholas’ house?”
She nodded and bit into her second cupcake. I felt bad for the parents that would have to look after her for the next three hours. Children’s birthday parties were exhausting. “Will Zoë come pick me up later? I want her to see the new puppy. And have some cake. Nicholas’ mommy told Mommy that they have ice cream cake! And a bouncy house!”
I chuckled as we headed outside. “She’ll be there.” I was pretty sure that my little sister was as obsessed with Zoë as I was. She’s pretty amazing.
We walked to Ari’s friend’s house, which was only a few blocks away. I sent her inside with the two cupcakes she promised Nicholas and then I made my way back home.
Mom and Beckett were parked in the driveway when I arrived. “Happy Birthday, honey!” she said, pulling me into a hug. “Help me bring the cake in. Beckett wants to hold his gift.”
I looked past her shoulder at my younger brother who was dragging a blue gift bag that was almost the same size as him into the house. “What could he possibly afford? He’s eight.”
Mom slapped my shoulder playfully. “He really wanted to get you something. Be nice.”
I exhaled deeply and nodded.
The only gift I wanted was currently at her house, probably with her nose stuck in a book, driving me crazy over a simple yes or no question.
But it wasn’t so simple was it?
It was life changing.
I don’t know where I am. All I know is that it’s cold. And dark.
It was always so dark.
I use everything in me to keep my feet moving as fast as they can. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. I take deep, hard breaths as my lungs begin to deflate. Even if Michael isn’t physically here he finds a way to slither back into my life. Any little bit of light left in my soul vanishes. Nothing means anything to me. When that happens I don’t know what to think, what to feel…and it terrifies me. I can’t shut off my feelings. I have to feel something.
I finally stop running.
My fingers and toes are numb. I try blowing hot air into my palms, but the second I uncover my mouth all I do is cry. Loud sobs pierce the tranquil night, disturbing the peaceful calm the light snowfall is conjuring up around me.
I thought about running toward my house, but if I did that Owen would’ve followed. There would be no escape. And I couldn’t let my parents know.
I fucked up fake Christmas.
I fuck up everything.
I turn my phone back on, ignoring all the missed calls and texts. I sent a quick message to my parents when it was clear that Owen couldn’t keep up and he had to stop. I told them that I was sorry but I had to go back to Seattle. My car keys are still in my car so Echo or Freddie can drive back and get their things from my parents’ house if they have to leave.
I find Echo’s number and press the little telephone icon. She picks up on the second ring. I don’t say anything so I know it’s her answering and not someone else. Like the man who set my heart on fire.
He thinks I’m lying…
“Sweets, where are you? We’ll come and get you.”
My teeth chatter. “I don’t know.”
I hear her tell someone to click into “find my friends” and before I can protest because I don’t want to see Owen she tells me that it’s just her and Freddie. They’re at my parents’ house, their bags in the trunk of my car, waiting for this moment.
“I never thought I’d feel like this again, Coco,” I sob into my phone. The last time was right before the accident. I didn’t care about my life. I was only trying to save another. Someone young and innocent. Ari. I saw the way Michael was looking at her when she was playing in a neighbor’s yard and I refused to let her life become like mine. She never saw the accident. No one was supposed to.
“I know. We’re coming. Stay on the phone with me, okay? Don’t hang up.”
I wander around, trying to find out where I am. Then it hits me. I’m in Washington Park. I see the entrance to the Japanese Gardens. Of course I ran here. Six miles away from our parents’ house, I loved coming here with my parents during the spring to see the weeping cherry trees. We’d visit during every season to experience the beauty of it all.
I make my way toward the parking lot and wait for my friends.
Fifteen minutes later, Echo pulls up and hops out of the car. The second her arms are around me, I let it all go. I’m a sobbing mess. “I thought it’d feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” I confess. “But it feels like a four ton truck fell on me instead.” I hiccup and sob loudly when I say, “He doesn’t believe me. I told him the truth and…he doesn’t believe me.”
We make our way into my car, both Echo and I climbing into the backseat, leaving Freddie to drive. I spot Mowgli in his caddy, now buckled into the passenger seat. He just reminds me of Owen. Everything that was lost.
“I’m so sorry for ruining your Christmas,” I add when we get onto the highway, driving slow because of the falling snow.
Echo pulls me into her arms, rubbing circles on my back. “Shh, don’t worry about it, sweets. You didn’t ruin anything.”
Her and Freddie lock gazes in the rearview mirror.
They’re lying.
I ruined everything.
I spend the rest of the week wrapped up in my comforter being Mowgli’s body pillow. Being back in Seattle, I thought I’d be able to breathe better. It only hurts more.
Owen came by yesterday but he didn’t make it up the stairs before Echo threw herself onto his back and forced him out of the house. She kept yelling that he was to blame for me feeling this way. She told him that she couldn’t understand how he didn’t believe me when I told him the truth. He kept apologizing, begging me to come downstairs, but she threw him out.
I didn’t see it.
I barely leave my bed.
I barely classify as a human being in this state.
I’m constantly thinking about the events that brought us here. I think of everything that happened over the years.
I mourn the little girl that lost her innocence when she was six. I grieve for the teenager whose life was spared to keep her best friend’s world from completely disintegrating. I hurt for the pain I’m causing now.
A knock on my bedroom door causes Mowgli to raise his head and meow and then snuggle up closer to me.
Echo cracks the door open and walks in with a small package in her hands. “This is from that chick in Providence.” Echo sets the package down on my nightstand. “Classes start in four days. Sw
eets, I hate to break it to you but you kinda smell. You need to shower.”
I chuckle. It sounds off.
I stretch my arm out and wiggle my fingers, asking for my package.
When Echo places the box in my hands, I tear off the tape and open the flaps, digging past the newspaper and the bubble wrap. Pulling out the items wrapped in light purple tissue paper, I slowly tear off the paper and stare at my items. One is a handmade clay mug that I custom ordered for Owen. It says, “I hacked Anonymous. They gave me this mug for my silence.” It’s cheesy, but Owen really likes that hacker group. I wanted to give this to him for Christmas but the girl who makes them, Luna, couldn’t have it sent out before then. I felt bad trying to rush her so I said I could wait.
My item is a custom-made clay coaster. On one side, there’s a beautifully designed cherry blossom tree in full bloom. Luna paints them herself. To say that she’s talented is an understatement. We kind of formed a friendship so I send her books when she doesn’t accept more of my money. I flip the coaster to the other side and my tears come back. “Books, tea, rain, and you. Huh, don’t mind if I do.”
I planned this all out the second I arrived at my parents’ place and I saw what they got for me. When I got back I would have surprised Owen with this and another gift.
My parents gave me a key to my new house. Mom designed the entire thing, and Dad built it with the help of his men. I haven’t seen it yet. Mom told me to wait until June so everything is perfect. I stared at the key sitting in a box with a huge smile on my lips. It was the night before the future I saw was crumpled like a piece of paper, thrown into the garbage can.
I saw it; Owen and me sitting at the kitchen island, him drinking coffee from his new mug, me drinking tea in my mug that I ordered three months ago, looking down at this coaster. Our eyes would find each other, I’d look away first because that’s what I always do and then my eyes would travel back to his. And I’d ask if he wanted to move in with me after we graduated college.
We were high on each other.
I wanted to be all in.
Now, all that’s waiting for me is an empty house, mourning the memories it’ll never see.
Let Her Go Page 15