Blessed Tragedy

by HB Heinzer

  “And Jon's cool with this? I mean, he made it pretty clear we needed to get back to Portland as quick as possible so we can cram in work before we leave again. I really don't need him getting pissy with me again.” No matter how many times Jon told me he was happy that we'd gotten our head out of our asses, I still obsessed over something with our relationship breaking up the band.

  “Yeah, Jon's all good. That's what we were talking about earlier. He and Travis are going to take our hotel room for the night and then they'll come down sometime tomorrow late afternoon.” Colton pressed his face into the crown of my head as he rubbed my shoulders.

  “But what about--”

  Colton placed two fingers against my lips effectively silencing me. “No, no thinking. Just let go and enjoy yourself. You've been a beast lately, taking on everything that's been thrown at you. You deserve this.”

  “But--”

  “I said no.” His mouth crashed against mine, his hand lightly squeezing the nape of my neck. The kiss was short but effective. He'd taken me by surprise and I had no words.

  “Can I ask one question?” I put on the sweetest pouty face I could muster. I wanted to slap women who played the sweet and innocent game to get what they wanted but tonight I was going to use it to my advantage. “How did you guys get this place on a few hours' notice?”

  When Colton shifted his body under mine, I started to stand. He grabbed my wrist as he rolled to his side, making room for me to do the same. I laid down facing him, staring into his icy blue eyes. It worried me to notice he wasn't returning my gaze; his eyes were fixed somewhere over my shoulder.

  “I made a phone call.” I was tempted to make a smartass comment about how that was a pretty obvious answer but something in the air between us told me it wasn't the time for wit. He was still staring into the distance as his hand brushed along my arm.

  “Is this the part where I'm supposed to pry for more information or the part where I'm supposed to let it drop even though I know there's more to the story?”

  I was turning into someone I barely knew; an easily influenced, game-playing twit who thought twice before speaking her mind. I was becoming who I figured I would have been had I not left home. I could see Maddie being this way; that's part of what I hated about myself as a teen.

  Colton didn't answer me and I didn't push him. Instead, I found my own patch of long grass in the distance to focus on. We must have been a sight, both of us lost in thought, holding one another but not talking.

  This was the first time I really had time to process everything I'd learned when we were home for my mom's funeral. I'd pushed it away, promising myself I would deal with it once the tour was done.

  I didn't want to think about how much I'd hurt my family over the years but I needed to if I hoped to change the pattern. I didn't say anything to anyone, but I could tell when we were there that my dad wasn't doing well.

  He wasn't the same strong, confident man he'd been when I was a kid. It's hard to put my finger on it, but he felt broken. It'd be easy to blame that on Mom's death but I was pretty sure it went deeper than that. Of course, if I had tried to say anything, everyone would have told me I was crazy, so I kept my mouth shut.

  Even Colton didn't know that before this latest wrench in my plans, I was hoping to spend part of the summer with my dad, trying to pick up the pieces. There was this nagging voice in my head telling me I needed to, that time was running out, and I didn't want to live with the same regrets when it came to him that I will carry with me until I die about my mom.

  “Hey, Moo, what's going on?” Hearing my childhood nickname pass his lips pulled me out of my trance. Surprisingly, it didn't upset me as much as I thought it would.

  “Why'd you call me that?”

  He shrugged. “Don't know, guess it just came out. You're not gonna castrate me or anything, are you?” I laughed when he moved to cross his hands in front of that most sensitive area.

  “Not this time.” I looked into the distance again, trying to sort out what was in my head before I said anything. “I'm not sure what's more shocking; that you called me Moo or that I'm not pissed at you for it.”

  While I couldn't regret my decision to become the person I wanted to be, I was starting to wish I had done things differently in my late teens. I would never admit it to anyone, but part of me missed Maddie. Is it possible to miss yourself? All I knew was that I had survived a trip home maintaining a delicate balance of Maddie and Rain and it had been one of the highlights of my adult life. I wondered if it would be possible to find a balance moving forward where Rain would become more of a who I am when I'm on stage and when I'm not working, I could be Maddie with a touch of Rain.

  “So, are you going to tell me what you're thinking or do I need to drag it out of you?” Colton's fingers started dancing along my stomach to my ticklish sides.

  “Stop it,” I cried as he started tickling me harder and faster. I was writhing on the chaise lounge, causing it to start tipping twice, which only made me laugh harder.

  “Are you going to tell me?” He was relentless and part of me liked it. While there are times it's nice to be left alone and times I had no desire to talk, it meant a lot to me that he cared enough to not let me bottle everything until I exploded.

  “I'm worried about my dad,” I sighed. “I think there's something he's not telling us.” As I continued telling him why I had this feeling, tears started streaming down my face. I didn't want to think about losing another parent. I shouldn't think that way since I had no proof that it was a real possibility anytime in the near future but losing my mom made me think about the fact that I only had one parent left.

  “What do you want to do?” Colton asked me when I was finished. I had been so lost in my thoughts I hadn't realized that, at some point, we'd shifted again and I was resting my head on his chest while he gently rubbed my back.

  “Is Jon going to throw a shit fit if I say I want to go see Dad before we hit the road again? I can't shut him out and it'll kill me if anything happens and I didn't at least try to reach out to him.” It was a lot to ask. Jon had been crystal clear about how much work there was to be done in a short time. It was the reason we weren't even going home between tours. And now I wanted to take time off.

  “I'll call him but I don't think he'll have a problem with it. If you want, we'll grab one of the cars and head out whenever you're ready.” I looked up at Colton, confused.

  “Grab one of the cars?”

  “Yeah, there's an Audi Q7 and a Challenger out in the garage. We can leave tonight if you want.”

  “And we could take cars that don't belong to us on a cross-country trip because...” I had no clue what was going on, but things were quickly not adding up and it was time for him to come clean.

  “Because they're my dad's and I can use whatever I want when I'm down here. Call it his way of making up for lost time.” Colton never really talked about his dad and I never asked. I knew it was a sore subject for him and that his dad wasn't around for him. That only made it seem even more bizarre that we were staying in his house and getting ready to take one of his vehicles on a late night trip.

  “I thought you two didn't talk?” I didn't want to push but I wanted to understand. Isn't that what people do when they care about one another?

  “I'd rather not get into it, but for the past year or so, you know, since Blessed Tragedy started to take off nationally, he's been calling me. When I came down here last Christmas, he told me to consider this place my own whenever I was in the area. I called him earlier to make sure he meant it and he confirmed that he hadn't changed his mind and gave me the codes.”

  He kissed my forehead. “Is that enough for the curious cat for now?”

  It was far from enough but I knew it was all I was going to get. It was more than I'd expected to get but I figured that was his way of trying to meet me halfway.

  “You really don't mind doing this? Maybe we should see about flying so we don't waste a full day driving th
ere and back.” Doing the math, it was going to be over fifteen hours driving each way, before stops for gas, food and whatever else. That meant, realistically, it would take almost a day up and a day back.

  “We can do that. I'll go up to the office and see what I can find for tomorrow morning.”

  I laid my head back on Colton's firm chest and listened to the ocean. I tried to focus on the sounds of the waves rolling along the shore in an attempt to drown out any thoughts about how drastically my life was changing. If I thought about that too much, I was liable to throw myself into a full-on anxiety attack because I didn't do well with the unknown.

  Chapter Ten

  I had no clue how long I'd been asleep when the sound of Colton arguing with someone jerked me out of my dream. Not wanting to interrupt, I stayed on the veranda pretending I was still sleeping.

  “No, I don't think you do understand...this is the way it has to be...what would you do if it was you?” I didn't know who he was talking to but it was obvious he was trying to hold it together. I pulled my cell phone out of my jeans to look at the time. Two-thirty in the morning. Who would he be talking to at this hour?

  “Look, if this is what she needs to do, we owe it to her,” Shit, is he talking about me? “Jon, she's been through hell and she swears something's not right with her dad. You saw how tore up she was when we came back from the funeral. Do you want to think about what it'll do to her, what it'll do to us if something is wrong and we were pricks to her?”

  It took everything I had to keep from running into the house, screaming at both of them; Jon for getting pissed about me needing to make sure my dad's okay and Colton for talking me into trying to have a relationship with him. We hadn't even had sex yet and this was the second time there were problems in the band because of us. This was my battle to fight, not his.

  “It's just a few days. We're going to fly up late tomorrow morning, make sure her dad's okay, give her some time with him without the added pressure of her brothers and we'll be back.” Colton growled at something Jon said. I peeked around the side of the chair to see where he was standing.

  He must have had a headset tucked around his ear because he his elbows were propped on the baby grand piano in front of the windows, both hands tightly wound through his long blond hair. Whatever Jon was saying to him was causing him to grow more agitated every second.

  “No, you need to understand,” he spat, “This is happening whether you like it or not. We weren't even going to be doing shit during the time we'll be gone. These would have been travel days, remember that...I get that...don't give me that bullshit, Jon...”

  Not even eight hours after our first national tour wrapped and it felt like the band was coming apart at the seams. Because of me. I stormed into the house ready to give both of the men a piece of my mind.

  “Put it on speaker,” I yelled. “You're both going to listen to me and I don't want to say this twice.”

  Colton held up his finger, apparently letting Jon ramble on until he took a breath. “Hang on, now Rain's awake and she's pissed too. Why not get Trav out of bed and we can all go at it.”

  I glared at him. I'd never understand why he felt the need to poke at Jon when he was already steaming mad. It made as much sense as tying a T-bone around your neck and poking a grizzly bear.

  “You there Jon?” I asked when Colton set the phone on the piano lid.

  “Yeah.” Great, a pissed off and drunk Jon. No wonder Colton can't get through to him. I shook my head, narrowing my eyes until I could barely see out of them. Colton should have known better than to call Jon tonight. He should have realized they stayed at the party and probably had free drinks shoved down their throats for hours.

  “Jon, you know I love and respect you. You took a chance on me when you didn't have to and I know you caught shit for letting a chick in the band.” I figured the best course of action was to kiss his ass a little before I told him how unreasonable he was being. “Seriously, I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. But right now, I need to go home and see my dad. There was too much shit going on when we were there before and I need some alone time with him. Plus, I can't shake the feeling there's something he's not telling me. You guys wouldn't have noticed it, but he didn't look good. He wasn't himself.”

  “Look, Rain, I get that. And I don't want to be a dick...” Jon's breathing was audible through the phone. Either he was about to pass out or he didn't know what he was trying to say. “It's just...this next tour is gonna be big. But it also means we're giving up our recording time. With the fall and winter tour coming up, we need the new material.”

  “So start working on it while I'm gone. I haven't been involved in writing anything so far, why start now?” It hurt to say the words because I'd made no secret of the fact that I wanted to be more involved but if it came down to my family or helping write a song, I knew there would be other songs. And trust me; no one was more surprised by that revelation than I was.

  “Right, but if lover boy is chasing after you, that leaves us screwed. Travis is good at what he does, but I need Colton there to get the riffs where they need to be.”

  “So he'll stay here.” I looked at Colton defiantly, practically daring him to say anything. It would be nice to have him with me, especially if I was right and Dad was sick, but there was no way in hell that was going to happen if it was going to cause problems for the band. Last time I checked, my driver's license didn't list Yoko as my first name.

  “He says he won't, that he needs to be there for you,” Jon sighed, obviously irritated with Colton's new white knight complex.

  “And I'm telling him, right now, that he's staying here. I'll go, do what I need to do and I can be back before you're even ready for me.” Colton went to say something and I shook my finger at him. “Would that work for you or do you still have a problem with me bailing for a bit?”

  “Rain, it was never about you leaving. I can't imagine what you're going through. I meant it the night of the Denver concert; you're one of the toughest people I know. If you think you need to go, I trust that you need to go. I just don't see how we could make it work with both of you gone and such a tight turnaround.” The sentiment was sweet enough although it was lost somewhere in Jon's slurred words.

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Well, we've taken care of that part then, so it's settled. You go sleep it off so you guys can bust ass while I'm gone.”

  “When did you get to be the smart one?” Jon was very drunk. Had I not been pulled out of the most relaxing night I'd had in months, I might have found it amusing. Right now, I wanted him standing in front of me so I could grab both him and Colton by their long hair and slam their heads together.

  “Always have been, you boys just never listen,” I laughed. “Goodnight, Jon.” I pressed the end button before he or Colton could say another word and I walked back to the veranda.

  The smell of fresh sea air was a welcome change to the diesel fumes we'd been breathing for months. The sounds of the waves hitting the shore were louder now. It was almost serene. It would have been serene if not for the sound of Colton's heavy breathing coming from near the door.

  “So, now you're making decisions for me without giving me a say in them?” The look in Colton's eyes was a cross between fury and pain. I hated knowing I'd caused the blend of emotions in him but I had to do what was best for the band. If I didn't, I would be putting everything at risk.

  As he walked towards me, his fists were clenching and releasing at his sides. In the years we'd spent together, this was the first time his anger made me nervous.

  “Jon was just being a bitchy little punk. You and I both know the world's not going to end if I go with you but, as usual, you're so worried about him being mad at you that nothing else matters.” He crouched next to me, pulling my face towards him when I tried to look away. “Do you really want to be with me or were you just saying that to get him off your back too?”

  I cursed myself as I felt tears building in my eyes.
How could Colton think I would have done something that would have crushed him that way? “There are a lot of things I'll do to make Jon Meyers happy. Being with you isn't one of them. And honestly, it hurts like hell you'd even think that.”

  “Well, what am I supposed to think? You wouldn't listen to me until he forced you to. Now, you're telling me that I can't be there to support the woman I love when she's trying to face her past because it's going to upset him. Tell me, what would you think if it was you?”

  He loves me? Where in the hell is that coming from? “What did you just say to me?”

  “Yes, Rain, you heard me right. I fucking love you. I've felt that way for a long time and couldn't do anything about it because you always made it so clear you'd never get involved with anyone in the band.” His eyes softened as he reached to brush his hand against my cheek. “I know we haven't even had a chance to start our relationship but you might as well know where my head's at. There's no question of if we'll work out. I know damn well that we will if you'll just let us.”

  Hearing Colton lay his heart on the line was all I needed for everything I'd been bottling inside to break loose. I buried my head in his neck, finally allowing the tears I'd been holding back to fall. They weren't the tears from tonight; they were all the tears I'd wanted to shed since leaving my family. They were tears for my mother and tears for the years I lost with my dad and brothers. They were tears expressing my fear and insecurity when it came to Colton.

  “But what if I screw it all up?” I sobbed into his bare chest as he laid down beside me.

  “What if you don't? Do you think I don't worry about being the one to fuck up a good thing? The difference is I'm willing to take that chance.”

  I slid my body up Colton's chest and pressed my lips firmly against his. He tugged on my bottom lip parting my lips, his tongue teasing mine as he gained entrance to my mouth. His whiskey and mint flavor heightened my senses causing me to plunge my tongue deeper into his mouth. My fingers twisted in the back of his long blond hair pulling him closer to me. He was right, I needed to stop thinking and this was the best way to make sure there was only one thing on my mind.