by HB Heinzer
“Yeah, I'm serious. Look, apparently I had more than I thought last night. I remember heading over while you and Jon were wherever you disappeared to and I remember waking up and seeing a note from Travis that you guys were at the hotel. The rest is fuzzy.” At least he had the good sense to look upset at his own admission. Unfortunately, that meant I was going to have to fill in the blanks.
His face paled when I told him about our tiff at the party. That he'd been an ass to me in front of people he respected and looked up to. When I told him he'd accused me and Jon of sleeping together, I thought he was going to vomit. It was surreal to tell him what he'd done as if he hadn't even been there.
“Wow, I fucked up.” He buried his face in his hands, rubbing hard as he processed my words. “Damn, baby. I'm sorry. Tanya told me someone sent her--”
“Wait a minute,” I snarled, spinning on my heels to face him. “Did Tanya send you those pictures?” I picked up my phone to text Jon. This was a new low, even for her. Colton grabbed my phone before I could do anything.
“She said someone emailed them to her and she thought I should know. And when I had no clue when she tried talking to me about it, yeah, she emailed the pics to me.”
“And you believed her? Seriously? That's fucked up.” I started to the front of the bus before Colton reached out to me. He grabbed my forearm to stop me from leaving and I stood stock still, not wanting to look at his troubled blue eyes.
“What was I supposed to think?”
I felt tears welling behind my eyes. I needed to get the hell away from him, away from the bus. Pain like this wasn't worth all the good times in the world.
“Maybe you should have thought to talk to me about it. About the fact that you were the one who told me she's waiting for me to fuck up.” I lowered my sunglasses to cover my eyes before I turned to face him. “Now, it looks like she won.”
Without another word, I left the bus. I heard Colton calling after me. Thankfully, he wasn't wearing pants so I knew I could lose myself in the crowd of fans gathering before he came after me.
For one depressing, lonely day, I was Maddie Neumann, lost little fangirl, wandering through the sweaty throng of people. Even surrounded by thousands of people, I felt completely alone in the world.
As much as I loved my band, I didn't know if I could stay, even through the summer. There was no way I could look at Colton, knowing how little he thought of me every day.
As I sat on the grass, surrounded by complete strangers who either didn't recognize me or were cool enough to not say anything, I watched the bands on stage. Really watched them and analyzed the dynamics between the members. I mourned the loss of that energy exchange, knowing it was likely gone forever. No matter how many times I tried to push those thoughts away, they floated to the forefront.
Eventually, the problems in my personal life sucked the joy out of the outdoor music festival. I reached into my pocket to see what time it was only to find that I'd left my phone back on the bus in my haste to escape.
Although I'm not the praying type, I prayed the entire way back to the bus corral that Colton had left for the comfort of our hotel suite. If I could find a way to avoid seeing him until it was time to go on stage tomorrow, it'd be the biggest blessing I could receive.
Four very concerned faces looked back at me as I stepped onto the bus. “Where the hell did you go?” Jon sighed letting out a sharp breath.
“I was trying to enjoy the day, not that it worked. What's going on?” Last I knew, everyone but Colton was sound asleep at the hotel. I hadn't expected any signs of life for a while yet.
“Colt called us, freaking out that he couldn't get a hold of you.” Jared didn't look up from his journal as he spoke. “Said you stormed out. None of us could reach you; your phone was going straight to voicemail.”
“Yeah, I needed some space, sorry. Not like I'd gone far, if he'd bothered to check, he would have seen that the Silverado is still parked.” I glared at Colton, feeling like he was stirring the pot for some unknown reason. “I can't believe you called them.”
I pushed my way down the aisle, bumping into Colton and Travis as I headed to the bedroom. Just when I thought things were as bad as they'd get, he'd gone and made it sound like I left. Then again, wasn't that exactly what I was planning on doing?
Not wanting anyone to hear the moment I lost my hold on reality, I buried my head under the pillows allowing the tears to flow. I felt stripped bare, no longer recognizing the person I had become.
I ignored the soft knocking on my door. It stopped, only to start again a minute later, louder this time. If anyone really wanted to come in, they'd turn the knob. I wasn't going to invite anyone to witness my breakdown.
“Hey, you okay in here?” Jared was possibly the only person dumb enough to actually come in uninvited.
“Not really, but thanks.” There was no point lying. I'd heard Jon and Colton going back and forth for the past hour. Everything was in the open now.
“It'll be okay. You know that, right?” Jared's innocence made the corners of my mouth turn into a slight smile. If only we all could have held onto that virtue we'd be in a better place.
“Honestly, I'm not even sure of that right now, but thanks,” I sighed. “I'm not sure I can keep doing this, Jared. Don't say anything, but that's the point I'm at.”
“You can't say things like that. Someone might take you seriously.” Jared opened his arms but didn't move towards me. “Want a hug?”
I rolled my eyes. What was it about the guys that made them all assume that because I'm a girl, anything could be made better with a hug? Sure, a lot of things could be, but not something like this.
I stood, unable to bring myself to be a bitch to Jared. He was only trying to help. “Sure, but don't tell Colton,” I said sarcastically. It would take a long time before I let go of the bitterness I felt when my mind replayed his words about me putting out.
“He was an ass,” Jared agreed, “But he does love you. You have to know that. Maybe I shouldn't say anything since I'm the new kid and all, but he really was a little bitch when you went home to see your dad. Constantly complaining that he wanted you to get back because he missed you. I almost took away his man card a few times.”
It felt good to laugh, even if it was only half-hearted. Jared's a good kid. The bitch was almost as wrong about him as she was about me. He was going to be a great addition to our group. And there it was; our group. No matter how much it broke my heart, I needed to find a way to compartmentalize my personal and professional lives. Blessed Tragedy will be my life as long as they'll have me.
Chapter Eighteen
When you live a traditional life with the normal comforts of life, breaking up is relatively easy. You gather anything that you'd left at the other person's house, say goodbye and you're done with it. Nothing about my life is traditional.
After Springfield, I wound up moving to the other bus for a few days, not able to sequester myself in the same small space as Colton for any amount of time. The hour we spent together preparing and on stage was too much some days.
Unfortunately, running away and hiding with the roadies wasn't a viable option either. I needed to be with my boys, the men who made me feel safe. And the insecure part of me worried they might see me as weak and immature and start planning to toss me on my ass if I stayed away too long.
Every morning, Colton sat across from me at the table as we ate in silence. With the summer schedule, most of our shows were during the day and he and I were the only two who'd started keeping “normal” hours, getting up in the morning and actually going to sleep at night. By the end of my first week back on the bus, I felt my resolve weakening. As much as I wanted to stay mad at him and hate him for what he said, the ache in my chest told me that would never be possible. Holding onto the negative feelings was slowly killing me.
“How's your dad doing?” He asked, finally breaking the silence on morning nine. I looked up, noticing how tired he looked. Apparently, I w
asn't the only person not sleeping well. That knowledge didn't make me feel better.
“He's okay,” I shrugged. “They put him on some blood thinners and he isn't great, but he's better.” Mike said our dad resisted going to the doctor after I left, finally giving in when Mike and Matt reminded him that he owed it to me to go. He didn't owe me shit, but if that's what got him to see a cardiac specialist, I can live with that.
“Are you heading over there when we get to Comstock?” His voice was soft as he pushed the scrambled eggs around his plate.
“Planning on it, but I have to see when Mike can come and get me.” It was a three hour drive each way but we had four days off between shows and I wanted to spend as much of that time with Dad as possible. There was no amount of time that would make up for the years we didn't see one another and knowing his heart was weak, I couldn't pass up any opportunity, even if it was only a few hours.
“We can grab the bike as soon as we get there.”
“No, that's okay. Mike already said he'd drive over, I just have to find out when.” The last thing I wanted to do was press my body against Colton's for a three hour ride. Worse yet, that's exactly what I wanted to do. I'd never missed someone so much it physically hurt like this.
“Rain, that's ridiculous. It'll be cheaper on gas and I'll find a hotel somewhere until you're ready to come back.” How could he not see what a bad idea this was?
“I don't know, Colt. I just can't...” I needed to get away from him. As much as the dead air hurt, carrying on a conversation was unbearable. He'd torn my heart out with his words and still he wanted to take care of me. Having never been in this position before, I was unsure how to balance the conflicting emotions.
Colton threw his hands in the air. “Fine, suit yourself. I'm really not the asshole you've conjured up in your mind.” I flinched as his plate crashed into the stainless steel sink.
Thanks to a well-timed text message, Mike pulled into the gravel parking area creating a tour bus encampment shortly after we arrived. I slumped into the passenger's seat before he could turn off the ignition. The clouds of dust kicked up by the tires seemed symbolic as I watched them build in the mirror.
The blessing and curse of being so much younger than my brother was that we still didn't have a super close relationship. It was a blessing because he didn't feel the need to pepper me with questions about my mood or why Colton wasn't coming home with me. The curse was I really wanted my big brother to wrap me in his arms and tell me everything would be okay. Instead, we both stared out the windshield from Comstock to Lexington, sharing only the slightest pleasantries.
“How's Dad doing?” I asked, unable to take another minute to the divide between us. Communicating with my brother shouldn't be as hard as it is, especially since I felt like we'd made progress when I was home the last time.
“Better. You were right to push. We're all a bunch of stubborn ass men and we learned that from the master.” He reached across the console taking my hand in his. “Doc said he's lucky he hadn't keeled over on the floor before he went in. And he wouldn't have been so lucky if not for you.” I couldn't see Mike's eyes through the mirrored aviator sunglasses perched on his nose, but I could feel them boring into me as we sat at the only stoplight in town.
“Maybe I'm not the stupid little girl you all thought I was,” I said snottily. I knew it wasn't his fault I was in a mood, but it was easier to take it out on him than blow a gasket on the bus. He's my brother; he has to forgive me, right?
“Maddie, no one ever said you're stupid. Selfish, yes. But you already know that so there's no point going over it again.” I crossed my arms tightly over my chest at the reminder of the single word that often described me. “Moo, you're getting past that and I know it. But even you have to admit that you were. You were selfish and just as stubborn, if not more, than any of us guys.”
“What the hell is he doing here?” I snapped, seeing Garrett working in the front lawn with my dad.
Mike flinched at my harsh tone. “Um, I thought you two were friends. I told him you were coming home today and he came over to help Dad with some stuff.”
I shook my head. “No, it's fine. I was just surprised and didn't get much sleep last night. Sorry.” Even Garrett didn't know about the pictures or Colton's accusations that we were a couple. I could only hope whoever was the town busy-body with a direct line to Tanya wasn't lurking about.
“You sure? I can tell him to beat feet if it'll make you feel better.” Mike pulled my body close to his, giving me the comforting hug I wanted from him but couldn't ask for.
“Yeah, it's fine. I'm gonna head upstairs for a bit.” I walked up to my dad and Garrett, giving both of them hugs before excusing myself to get some sleep and a shower.
When I woke up from my nap, I could hear Matt, Mike and Garrett on the back deck talking about baseball. I pulled my hair back into a high ponytail, dug out a t-shirt and denim shorts and made my way outside.
Much to my surprise, Matt stood from his seat as I opened the sliding door and gave me a tight hug. In all my life, I could count on two hands how many times he'd hugged me at all. He whispered thanks in my ear before setting me back on the ground and grabbing a microbrew out of the small cooler next to him.
The only available seat was next to Garrett so I sat down, not wanting to make things awkward with him too. I needed to find time to let him know what had been going on but it wouldn't be when the eldest Neumann boys were in earshot and Colton was within driving distance. We may not be the closest siblings in the world, but I had little doubt that being protective of their little sister was deeply seated in them.
At dinner time, Dad joined us outside and threw steaks on the gas grill. For as long as I could remember, his claim to fame, so to speak, was his prowess on the barbecue and I was looking forward to a tender, juicy steak with dill potatoes and a salad. It sure as hell beat the barbecued chicken I'd become accustomed to at most of our tour stops. It was easy to make in large batches and kept well in Nesco roasters, so it made sense. But chicken every flipping day gets old fast.
Dad still didn't look great, but there was no denying he looked worlds better than he had when I left the last time. His medicine was working and he was watching what he ate, most of the time. And even though he sat with us until long after the sun set, he never took a sip of alcohol. He'd never had a problem with it, mind you, but he did enjoy a snifter of brandy or a good bottle of beer from time to time. Eventually, he made his way inside, reminding my brothers to stay at the house if they kept drinking like they were. Both of them rolled their eyes and simultaneously agreed to the old man's request.
Too many beers to count later, I heard a familiar rumble in the distance. As the sound grew louder, I tried to tell myself there was no way it was what I thought, that I was imagining things in my half-drunken state. When the doorbell rang moments after the noise cut abruptly, I knew I was exactly right.
My body tensed and I looked to Garrett in a moment of panic. Regardless of what was reality, appearances told a different story. We weren't cozy on the loveseat on the patio, but we were comfortable sitting next to one another, laughing and brushing against one another casually.
“Trouble in paradise?” He whispered leaning close enough that Mike wouldn't hear him. Luckily, or unluckily depending on your perspective, Matt was on his way to the front door.
“More like the fifth circle of hell,” I replied, sliding myself to the other side of the seat. I wanted to race to the front of the house, burst through the door and shake Colton, asking him what part of 'I don't want you here' was so hard for him to understand, but that would raise too many questions.
“It's for you,” Matt said, returning to the patio alone. “I wasn't sure if you wanted him to see...” his voice trailed off as his eyes skittered between me and Garrett.
“Screw you, Matt. I can be friends with whoever I want.” I stood too quickly, nearly losing my balance. “I'll go talk to him. I don't know why he's even here,
” I muttered, sliding the door open.
With a murderous look on my face, I met Colton in the darkness of the foyer. “Did you need something?” I asked bitterly.
“We need to talk,” he said moving closer to me. I dodged his hand as he reached for my arm.
“I'm trying to enjoy some time with my brothers, Colt. What's so important that it couldn't wait?” I pursed my lips, waiting for his feeble response.
“Rain, you're killing me. Can we please go outside and talk?” The pain I'd become accustomed to still veiled his normally piercing blue eyes.
“This really isn't a good time. Why did you come all the way out here? I told you to stay.” I wasn't about to give the man an inch. As soon as I did, he'd find a way to slink his way back into my heart.
“Please, baby. There's never a good time to talk to you. You won't talk around the guys. Now, you won't talk here, where no one can hear--”
His words were cut off by the scraping of the sliding door opening. His eyes grew wide in recognition before they filled with anger and loathing. “Guess I know why you didn't want me here,” he said through clenched teeth. “So much for nothing going on, huh?”
“Fuck you, it's not like that,” I barked louder than I wanted. Garrett was out of sight but I figured he was still close enough to hear every word echoing through the open space. “I told you before, he's a friend. That's it.”
“Yeah, a friend who you're here drinking with. A friend you went out with several times the last time you were here. A friend you've admitted had feelings for you.”
I stared at Colton trying to find the words to answer his subtle accusations. I shook my head, “And you really wonder why things didn't work? He's. A. Friend. Take a look at my life. The closest thing I have to a female friend is Angie and I barely know her. I get along better with guys. Whether you like it or not, that's a fact of life.”