by HB Heinzer
“And what do you think the rags are going to say if you don't get help? You really think it's going to stop?” There it was again. Even Colton thought I needed to get help. The man I shared a bed with, the man who had full access to my life for all those months didn't have faith that I was clean.
“You know what, I'm done. I can't keep doing this. I'm not sure what I need to do to prove to everyone that I'm clean, but thank you very fucking much for believing in me. It means a lot to me to know that you, of all people, are buying into the bullshit.” I needed to get off the phone before I broke down. The anger I'd held onto for the past month was receding enough to allow the pain of doubt to take over. “I'll talk to you when I'm back in town if you're around.”
Without waiting for a response, I hit the end button and sent my phone flying across the room, narrowly missing Dale's head as he walked in to see what was going on.
“Everything okay out here?” He asked sheepishly. I can't say I blamed him for his reluctance to approach me. We'd gotten to know one another over the month I'd spent with him and Mark, which meant he'd seen me at rock bottom, emotionally.
“Nope. Same shit, different day. Colton's telling me I need to see a shrink if I won't go to rehab. I'm so fucking sick of hearing about rehab that I'm tempted to get some blow just so all the accusations are warranted.” I didn't mean it, not really, but the stress of my upcoming court date, the fact that my time with the band was likely coming to an end, the fantastic failure of my first real attempt at a relationship and everything that had been brewing since spring did have me on edge. An edge that, in the past, would have led me straight to my dealer's door.
“Knock it off, Maddie. You're not that stupid and it's about time you grow up and quit the tantrums.” My head snapped to look Dale in the eye. My brother's typically soft spoken partner had a fire in his eyes I hadn't seen before. “I love you like you're my own sister which means I'm going to be the big brother here for a minute--”
“Yeah, because that's what's missing in my life. If only I had a big brother, I wouldn't be in the swirling whirl of shit I'm in.” I rolled my eyes. It wasn't fair of me to go off on Dale, but he was the one who was home.
“See,” he said, waving a finger at me. “That right there. That's your problem. You can't accept the fact anyone wants to help you. So you haven't fallen off the wagon. You don't need rehab. I get it.” Dale sat beside me draping an arm over my shoulder. “That doesn't mean you haven't been through hell since your mom died. Maybe Colton's right. Maybe you do need to talk to someone.”
“Sitting down sharing my feelings won't change anything that's happened. It's been a sucky year, it's getting worse and I need to deal with it.”
“Not alone, you don't. Let us help you.” He brushed his lips against my temple before standing.
“I have something you can help me with,” I mumbled as he walked out of the room – He stopped when he heard me and I filled him in on my decision.
That night, with Dale's help, I sat down to compose one of the hardest letters I ever had to write. When we made the drive back to Portland for my next trial, I would be handing in my resignation from the band.
He and Mark tried, repeatedly, to talk me out of it but I wouldn't be swayed. Even if we found a way to clear my name on the bogus drug charges, the damage was done as far as my band was concerned. They'd failed me. The moment they started harping on me about my drug use, we were done. It showed they didn't trust me and I couldn't associate with people who were willing to think the worst of me despite the evidence.
Before heading to Jon's house to give him the letter, Mark suggested we stop by my apartment to clear out the rest of my belongings and turn in the keys. No matter what happened, there was no way I'd ever be staying there again. Too many bad memories and obviously not enough security.
Mrs. Ellison, my eighty year old neighbor was locking her door as we hit the third floor landing. I'd hoped to get in and get out without her seeing me but I should have known that was too much to hope for. The old woman had nothing better to do than nose around the building.
“Oh, Madeline, you're back!” She shuffled to me as fast as her frail body could carry her and hugged me so tight I could feel her breast bone pressing into my own chest. She cupped my face in her hands, turning my face from side to side. “I've been so worried about you. I haven't seen you or that house sitter of yours around lately. I thought maybe you'd left without saying goodbye. Not that I can blame you if you had, of course.”
My house sitter? Seems to me dear Mrs. Ellison has let a few of her marbles roll away.
I returned her embrace, knowing it was the only way to get her to release me. In the years I've lived here, she's made it clear that she sees me as the granddaughter her son never saw fit to give her. “I'd never do that to you. But I am moving out today, I just came back to get the rest of my things.”
“Mrs. Ellison, let me get that basket for you,” Mark said, pointing to the dirty laundry hamper sitting at the old woman's feet. “Dale and Maddie can go start packing and then we'll come over for coffee before she leaves.” Mark knew all about my neighbor's quirks. There was no way we'd get out of the building without a visit.
Dale raised an eyebrow in Mark's direction as he pushed us into my apartment. It seemed I was missing something, but that happened often with most of the men in my life.
Nearly twenty minutes later, Mark burst through my door as if he was being chased by an angry mob. “Moo, get your lawyer on the phone. Now!” He demanded.
“Uh, okay, but what am I telling him?” It was unusual to see Mark get flustered in this way, even more rare for him to be demanding.
“It wasn't your cocaine and I know who it was,” he said, shaking my shoulders.
“Gee, you're just now figuring out it's not mine?” I said sarcastically.
“Shut up and call, we have two days to get this taken care of before you go to court.” He yanked the phone from my hand and made the call himself.
Mark disappeared into my bedroom while he told my lawyer what Mrs. Ellison had told him. Apparently, my brother had decided to press her for more information about the house sitter we all knew I didn't have. For once, her nosiness was a true blessing.
I knocked on the door to Jon's walk-out basement shortly before six o'clock that evening, my head reeling from today's turn of events. When no one answered, I turned the knob letting myself in. It wasn't unusual for him to not answer if he was working in his home studio.
“So, she's still trying to deny she's a little coke-head?” My back stiffened at the shrill voice coming from Jon's office.
“I'm not so sure she is. Granted, I have no clue where the cocaine came from, but I think we would have known if she was using again.” Hearing Jon defend me after he'd told me on multiple occasions to get my ass to treatment seemed odd.
“Oh please, she's managed to completely fool all of you. Having nice tits around every day blinded you to who she really is. A strung out little whore.”
Up until that moment in my life, I thought being mad enough to see red was nothing more than a figure of speech. Listening to her sitting in Jon's office still trying to destroy me caused my vision to blur and I most definitely saw red. My knuckles were white from gripping the rail of the pool table so hard, trying to keep myself from barging in there and strangling her.
“That's enough!” Colton screamed at her. “It's no secret to any of us that you had problems with Rain. But I'm not going to sit here and listen to this shit anymore.” Why is she even here? “Jon, if you bring her back on-board, I'm out.”
“Shut up, Colton. You know that's not going to happen,” Jon said with conviction. I stayed leaning against the pool table listening to every word that was being said. It made no sense that Colton was here or that he thought Tanya would get her job back.
“Jon, you know you'd be nowhere if it wasn't for me,” Tanya cooed condescendingly. “I made your little group and I did what I needed to do to keep y
ou from falling back to being nothing because of the little whore.”
“Enough,” Jon yelled. “Tanya, you did a good job for a long time but there were plenty of problems at the end. Most of them had to do with you not being able to accept that Colton didn't want you. But thanks to your little stunt with the pictures and the way you treated Rain, you've done the exact opposite of keeping us on our way up. We're nothing right now. Unless we hear something from Rain soon, we don't have a band.”
I took a minute trying to process Jon's words. They could go on without me without any problems. There were a dozen women I knew of who would kill to take my place and half of them were talented enough to do it.
“This will all blow over. You just need someone who can spin it the right way. You need me, Jon. Now that the world sees her for what she is, it's time to get back on track. You'll thank me someday.” I couldn't believe the audacity. She was all but telling him what she'd done and implying he should be grateful – that they should all be grateful.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” Colton asked. I looked at the sealed envelope in my hands and decided it was time. I stormed around the corner ready for a fight.
“I'll tell you what she's talking about,” I spat, satisfied at the shocked expressions on their faces.
I planted my feet directly in front of Tanya's Jimmy Choo's and twisted her designer silk top in my left fist. “You're a worthless piece of shit, you know that? The fucked up thing is you almost got away with it. Good thing for me you didn't realize I'm surrounded by nosy neighbors.”
“Rain, what in the hell are you doing here?” Jon asked, standing from behind the desk. I threw the envelope down in front of him.
“Just dropping off some paperwork. But now that we're all here, I figured I'd take care of some business too.” I turned my attention back to Tanya who stood stock still in front of me, a look of terror in her eyes.
“You couldn't handle the fact that I had everything you wanted. The talent. The fans.” I turned to glare at Colton for a split second before realizing it was a huge mistake. I tamped down the pain of knowing she'd succeeded in torching what we had. “And when Colton and I got together, you really couldn't stand it. So you broke into my apartment and planted that shit, didn't you?”
“I...” Tanya looked to Jon for help. He lifted his hands in surrender as he reached for the envelope. “You're psychotic, you know that?” She spat at me.
“Admit it, that's what you meant about them thanking you for getting me out of the way, isn't it?” My right hand clenched and released, ready for a close encounter with her body.
“Fuck you, you can't prove anything,” she spat at me. “Who's going to take the word of a senile old bitch? You probably made her say she saw me.”
That was all the confirmation I needed. My first connected with her cheek and then her stomach before Colton pulled me off of her. “You fucking bitch,” I shrieked, trying to free myself from Colton's tight grip around my upper body. “You're fucking stupid, you know that? I never said it was an old woman. And now the cops will get to talk to Colt and Jon too, once I tell my lawyer what you just said. Thanks.”
Jon wrapped his hand around Tanya's wrist as she reached for her purse. “No, you stay. Colt, make the call.”
“You think I can let this one go long enough to grab my phone?” Colton asked Jon as if I wasn't actually in the room.
“Rain, you good?” Jon asked me. I nodded and Colton released me. “So, I'm guessing I can throw this in the shredder now that everything's settled?” He asked me, holding up my letter.
“No, that stands.” I said bluntly. It would have been easy to take it back but they'd torched what we all had.
“Don't do this. Tanya's been trying to get you out of the band for a long time. Don't do this, please.” Jon's eyes drilled into me making me shift uncomfortably.
“I have to, Jon. I'm sorry. You guys believed the worst in me. I can't forget that.”
Before Colton was off the phone, I turned and walked out of the basement, knowing my life as I had known it was officially over. I had no idea what the future held for me, but I wasn't going to allow it to be filled with doubt and anger.
Chapter Twenty-Two
As much as I wanted to find a bottomless fruity drink to cheer me up after my trip to Jon's house, I thought better of it. No, alcohol had never been my problem but it easily could be. Instead, I enjoyed the jacuzzi tub in our hotel room while Mark and Dale went out for the night.
Knowing the charges would likely be dropped, I allowed myself to relax for the first time in a month. I was nearly asleep when I bolted upright at the sound of someone pounding on the hotel room door. I grabbed one of the white terrycloth robes from the back of the door and silently made my way to the door. Seeing Colton through the peephole, I debated whether or not to open the door to him.
“I know you're in there, Rain.” He called out. Then, he put his face close to the peep hole on his side of the door as if he knew I was looking at him. “Don't make me bribe a key out of the desk clerk. You know I'll do it.”
He was right. He'd do it and I knew it. Shit.
I flipped the bolt latch open before pushing down on the door handle. “What?” I asked, unwilling to open the door and invite him in.
“We need to talk. Can I come in?” He pushed on the door with one hand while reaching out to me with the other. When I flinched away from him, he took advantage and pushed the door open.
“Gee, come on in,” I sputtered. “I don't think there's really anything to say.”
Colton ran his hands through his blond hair. “That's where you're wrong. There's so fucking much to talk about we could be here all night.” He motioned for me to sit like he owned the place.
“No, there's not. You know I'm not a druggie. I know you guys have zero faith in me. End of story.” The words caught in my throat as I tried to hold it together.
“Bullshit. And you're going to listen to me. Sit.”
I didn't want to sit. I didn't want to let him know he was getting to me. There was a time when I would have said Colton knew I would sit because he knew me better than I knew myself. Those days were obviously gone.
“Fine. Talk.” I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, realizing I was sitting across the walnut dining table from him naked under my robe.
“You can't quit,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Um, I can. I did.” I stared at him, waiting to see what he had to say besides the obvious.
“Well, we're not accepting it. Not until you sit down and talk with all of us. I warned you at the beginning of the summer Tanya was desperate to get you out. Now, regardless of the fact that she's not with us anymore, you're going to give her what she wants? That's not the Rain I know. The Rain I know doesn't go down without a fight.” He leaned on his forearms resting on the table never breaking eye contact.
“It's not about her anymore,” I said quietly. I hated the fact that my voice was faltering. I needed to stay strong. “You guys shredded me when you believed that I was using again. You did that. The night we got back when you thought those baggies were really mine, Colt, you put that nail in the coffin. When Jon told me I had to get my shit straight and go to rehab, he put another nail in the coffin. When Travis, the person who knows everything I went through more than anyone else, told me to get help, he added another. About the only person who hasn't done anything is Jared and that's only because he's too damn new and scared to rock the boat.”
Colton stepped into my path as I tried to walk to my suitcase. I didn't want to have this conversation without clothes on. Preferably multiple layers because I could feel my body melting in his presence and that was the very last thing I needed.
“Stop, please.” I leaned into his hand as he cupped my cheek. I didn't want to feel the warmth of his skin against mine. No, I wanted to feel it more than anything. I couldn't allow myself to enjoy his touch. “Sit down and talk to me. You've been running away and avoiding me for
a month and it's killing me.”
I looked down at my robe and back up to Colton. “Can I put on some clothes first?” As much as I didn't want to hear what he was going to say, I knew we both needed it.
“No need on my account,” Colton joked.
“I'll be back.”
When I came back into the room wearing a pair of flannel lounge pants and my favorite, ratty Metallica t-shirt, Colton was feverishly texting. “You're worse than a girl with that thing, you know that?”
“What can I say? It's my connection to the world. And Jon wanted to know if you nailed me in the balls when I got here.” He set the phone on the table in front of him giving me his full attention.
“I should,” I deadpanned. “Should line the three of you up and bring all of you to your knees.”
“Look, I know you're pissed--” He started.
“No, I'm not pissed, Colt. I'm hurt. For the past five years, you guys have been my life. You were the only people I could count on to have my back no matter what. And when I needed you to stick up for me, you weren't there.”
“We tried. I know you think we were all convinced you were using but that's not it.” Colton reached for my hand and I gave it to him in a moment of weakness. “Yes, there was a while where we didn't know what to think. That has nothing to do with our opinions of you as a person and everything to do with what you've been through. I could apologize to you every day and it'd never be enough. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear to you from the beginning. I'm sorry if I accused you of using again. But most of all, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you.”