by Jillian Dodd
"A thing?" I laugh.
"Yeah, a thing."
"That's ridiculous," I shrug. "We're just friends, have been for a long time. I mean, God, somewhere there are pictures of us as naked babies together. And we're just, you know, comfortable around each other. We're able to hang out and have fun without having things happen."
Then I stop and realize it's not the first time I've heard this.
"Why does everyone think that?" I ask him seriously, as I rest my chin on my fist. "I mean, I've done way more with Danny, how come no one ever accuses us of having a thing? I don't get it."
"Um, well, could it be the fact that I always seem to run out on my dates to rescue you, and he never does?"
"You've never done that, have you?"
"Princess..."
"No, I'm serious." I put my hand on my chest. "I always take care of myself. I never needed to be rescued."
"Oh, really?" Phillip chuckles. "What about all the times you've had flat tires? Who has come and changed them? What about when you hit the deer, or the time you ditched Richie Rich at winter formal, or the time you had the huge fever and I had to take you to the hospital?"
He pauses, giving me his eat shit grin. "Shall I continue?"
Okay, so he might be right.
And there is nothing I hate more than not being exactly right.
In fact, I'm getting a bit irritated right now.
"You didn't have to come and do those things. I could have figured it out on my own. And I didn't know you like, left dates to do them. You didn't have to do that. You could've been like Danny and said to just call Triple A or whatever."
"I know I didn't have to do it. I wanted to. I guess," he states, looking at me sweetly with his adorable brown eyes, "like you," he pauses and stares intently at me, "I haven't met anyone that made me want to stay with them, more than I wanted to go and rescue you. What can I say," he rolls his eyes at me, "you made me play your knight in shining armor for so long, I just can't seem to get it out of my system."
God, he is adorable.
He laughs lightly and looks at me. I can tell by the intensity in his eyes what he is about to say is important. He puts his hand on my knee and leans towards me. "Seriously, you are kinda special to me." Then he adds sneakily, "Now, speaking of spin the bottle, should I start?"
"Would you really kiss me, Phillip?" I ask, scrunching up my nose.
"I think I might be able to be persuaded." He grins, grabs my arm and throws it up over his shoulder. "Wanna try to persuade me?"
My face is so close to his. I could easily start kissing him. I'd only have to lean forward just a bit.
"No, I mean really? What if we kissed, and then we dated, and then you got mad at me and ended up hating me like most of my other boyfriends? I couldn't stand to lose my best friend."
"I'm going to bed," I decide suddenly, getting up off the couch and walking quickly toward my room.
"So you want to play the game in there, huh?" Phillip asks with laughter in his voice, as he tilts his head toward my bedroom.
"No!"
Then I hear him chuckling behind me and it makes me mad because that boy knows all too well how to get under my skin.
This morning, Phillip brings me coffee in bed.
It's 6:30am.
Way early for me, but for Phillip, it's the perfect time to get your day started.
He and Lori are both the kind of people who sign up for 8am classes. Danny and I try to never start ours until at least ten or eleven.
"Thanks," I say, taking the cup from him. "Coffee in bed. You must want something."
"I do." He looks squarely at me.
He is sitting on the edge of my bed. I fight the temptation to just grab him and pull him in with me.
"So, what do you want?"
"You."
"What?"
"I want you," he repeats. "Go out with me for real, Princess."
"I can't."
"Really? So what was last night all about?"
"Oh, nothing really. Well, Lori and I had been talking. She just asked if you and I ever, you know, dated or kissed or anything. I told her not since eighth grade. Remember spin the bottle?"
"Yeah, so you thought you might want to play it with me again?" His head is cocked slightly sideways, like a puppy that is trying to understand me.
I hope he can. I'm not sure I do.
I shake my head sideways. "Maybe. Yes,"
"Well, at least that's progress," he laughs.
"Progress? What kind of progress?"
"Don't tell me you can't see it. God, Princess, I swear everyone sees it but you." He shakes his head at me like I'm completely clueless.
I may be. But in this case, I know exactly what he is talking about it.
"I see it Phillip. I even feel it, but I choose not to cross the line. I care too much about you to throw our friendship away on a fling." I cross my arms in front of my chest, indicating that my word on this is final.
"Who said anything about a fling? And you crossed WAY over that line with Danny, and you guys are still friends." He is sort of muttering to himself now, "Of course you would've never lasted anyway. You're too much alike, think way outside the box, hate to be told what to do. Always right, even when you're wrong."
"True, we probably would've fought like crazy." It surprises me that the thought of Danny and I together still seems to bug him. "But what's that got to do with us?"
"Probably? You do fight like crazy."
He can't seem to get off the Danny subject, so I give in on that point and say, "I know. That's why he and Lori are so great together. She's so grounded. She's just like....."
Then I stop.
I realize what I was about to say and think back to yesterday's conversation with Danny.
The kite thing.
Shit.
Does Phillip fly me?
Is he just like Lori, hanging on and letting me do my thing, all the while keeping me safe and close by? Is he perfect for me?
Phillip interrupts my thoughts by saying, "Finish your sentence."
"Um. No." I shake my head.
I can't.
"JJ," he warns.
"FINE. I was going to say, um, she's just like you."
"And?" he prods.
"And you're probably perfect for me." I sigh big. "See? See the problem? I have a major conflict of interest here."
"A conflict of interest?" He looks at me like I'm nuts.
"Yes."
"What exactly do you mean?" Phillip needs to know this because he is so exact about everything.
"Well, everyone thinks you and I belong together. Part of me agrees. We get along great. I love to be around you, but the conflicting side of me thinks I shouldn't risk it. And besides, I really don't think we should worry about what other people think."
"Fine. So what do you think?"
"No fair. You go first. What do you think?"
Phillip takes a moment, gathers his thoughts and says carefully, "Well, I do think we have a fair amount of chemistry."
"Chemistry," I laugh. "Are you serious? You treat me like your sister."
"No, I do not. I'm much nicer to you, than I am to my sister. Trust me when I say I have feelings for you that are probably illegal to have about a sister."
I laugh nervously. I did not know this at all.
"I know in your mind," he says, poking me on my forehead, "you think of me as a brother." He switches his line of thought and says, "Do you ever feel tingly when I hold your hand?"
"Um."
"Do you get excited to hear my voice at the end of the day? Do you like to be with me?"
"Uh."
"People are right. You and I definitely have a thing. What they don't understand is that we've never acted on it. I'm thinking we should," he says confidently.
"You do?" I'm surprised.
"Well, what have we got to lose?"
"Uh, duh. Each other. And I really like you, Phillip."
"No Princess, you
don't like me, you are totally in love with me. You're just too stubborn to admit it."
I look at his eyes because surely he must be joking, but he appears very serious.
"Fine," I say, temporarily giving in and avoiding the love topic. "I'll go out with you sometime. Where do you want to go?"
"Mexico."
"Mexico?"
"Yeah, trial run. If it doesn't work out, no one needs to know. We'll just come back to the way things are now," he adds, scowling.
"How's that?" I ask puzzled.
"You torturing and teasing me and then walking away."
"I don't do that!"
"You did last night."
"Phillip, don't you get it? I don't want to lose you. You're my family, my only family. I'd be alone if it weren't for you." I swear I'm about ready to cry. My eyes start tearing up, and I choke out, "Why can't you get this?"
"You're not going to lose me," He runs his hand through my messy hair and down the side of my face.
Oh, that feels so good. I melt slightly and close my eyes for a minute.
"How can you say that? How can you be so sure?" I question. "You know my history. I always lose the guy!"
"Yeah, well that's because they're always the wrong guy."
"And you think you're the right one?"
"Yeah. I do. I'm the one," he says, pointing to his chest.
I picture him as Tarzan. Me. Take you. Jane.
Then I focus back to what he is saying.
"I've been here for you all along. I've listened to you cry about other guys, I rescue you, take care of you when you're sick, hug you when you're sad, tell you you're beautiful when you look terrible." He looks me straight in the eyes and is dead serious when he says, "Princess, I've always been the one."
I give up.
"I know," I sigh. "So Mexico, huh? And you promise if it doesn't work out or we fight, we agree to pretend it never happened?"
"What happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico," he says, with a twinkle in his eye and a big smile on his face.
"Let me think about it," I say diplomatically.
He takes the coffee cup away from me and sets it on my nightstand. "While you're at it, think about this."
Then he leans in and kisses me right on the lips.
Very thoroughly.
I can't help but kiss him back. I completely relax, all defense slipping away.
Damn.
Then he stops, gets up and walks out my door without another word.
Wow.
And he's right because I can't seem to think about anything else.
Finals are over, we've all managed to graduate, and I'm on the beach in Cancun, Mexico. Phillip and I are walking hand in hand in the moonlight.
It's a very romantic setting.
I can hear the sound of the ocean lapping onto the beach. The moonlight is shimmering off the water and in the sky.
It even feels romantic.
The sand is rough between my toes, and the water keeps coming up onto the beach to caress my bare feet.
Phillip stops and kisses me, and it's really wonderful.
When I kiss Phillip, I feel like I'm home, like I'm exactly where I belong. It's a weird, and wonderful, and very scary feeling.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I am in love with him.
If only I weren't so afraid of losing him.
"Stop thinking so much," he says, reading my mind. "Where is Miss Spontaneous when I need her? Any other time and you'd be dancing on the beach, making out with the guy. Do me a favor, Princess, relax and enjoy this."
I try to relax, and I have to admit the kisses help.
I can tell Phillip would like there to be more going on than kissing, but every time he presses the issue, I feel myself pulling back.
I am just not ready.
The next morning, IT'S AMAZING because Danny and I are the first ones at our breakfast table. I thought for a second that we were the first ones up because that never happens, but Danny informs me that Lori and Phillip went out for an early morning run, and the parents are already golfing.
Typical.
"So how did it go with Phillip last night?" He raises his eyebrows up and down, hoping to hear some juicy details.
"Well, we kissed"
"And....?"
"And....that's it."
Danny shakes his head and rolls his eyes at me, like I'm a stupid idiot.
"Danny, what am I supposed to do? I just feel all this pressure, like I have to do this, not like I want to. It's like I'm being told what to do. And you know when someone tells me what to do, it usually makes me do the exact opposite. You of all people should understand that."
"I do understand, but it kind of seems like you're looking for excuses." He studies me closely. "You're not letting what happened between us affect you on this? Are you?"
"Oh, you mean the it would ruin us part? Um, yeah. That's the part that scares me the most."
He is still shaking his head at me, so I say, "You don't think if I go out with Phillip, it will ruin our friendship?"
"No, I don't. I think it will enhance your friendship. Surely you understand what different people Phillip and I are. Hmm, I guess maybe now might be a good time to confess."
"Confess what?"
He runs his hand through his hair and sighs, "I was so afraid of you on Prom night, I literally drank myself sick."
"You were afraid of me?"
"Well, I was afraid of what I, we, might do. I mean I really wanted you, Jay, and I have to admit there have been many times that I've kicked myself for not going for it." He tilts his head and looks at me, "But I didn't want to take advantage of you. I mean you'd been through so much in such a short time. Jake. Your parents. Combine that with the fact that it would've been your first time. I don't know. It just didn't seem like the right thing to do. I was afraid you would regret it and hate me. I just couldn't live with that."
"Did you know that I wanted you to take advantage of me?"
"Yeah, I kinda did. Why do you think I was scared shitless? You can be very persuasive, Jay. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to say no."
"Why didn't you just tell me?" I shake my head, trying to comprehend this. "Wait, that's not right. That night, you wanted it too. I saw the condom by the bed!"
"Yeah, well at that point I was drunk and not thinking with my head. Thank God, I passed out because I think it would have ruined us. At that point in your life, you needed stability, not fun. You and I both know the times in college when we hooked up a little, it was always just for fun."
"That and your win record," I tease him. "So what makes you think it will work with Phillip? I'm serious, Danny, I really need to know this."
"Well, there's something else I should probably tell you." He leans across the table and says softly, "Prom night, when we all slept together, I woke up before you did. Guess what I saw?"
"I don't know. Did I look gross? Was I drooling?"
"No, silly, you're adorable when you sleep. What I saw, was you all snuggled up with Phillip. He had his arm wrapped around you. Your head was on his chest. And that's when it hit me. I think even when we were little, I knew you two had a special bond, something I wasn't part of. I'll even admit that it was kind of a blow to my ego, but it worked out okay. It made it easier for me to tell you what I did. I mean, I knew we'd never last romantically, we're too much alike, but I also knew you'd be fine." He looks at me pointedly, "Because of Phillip."
He leans back in his chair and continues, "Christ, you two are perfect for each other. You're already like an old married couple anyway. You just don't get any of the fun benefits.....And I know you like the fun benefits." He raises his eye brows up and down at me on the word know.
I shake my head at him. "You'd better be there to pick up the pieces if this all blows up in my face."
"You know I will," he says, and I believe him.
"Jay, is there anything you've ever really gone for in your life that you haven't gotten?"
"Um," I s
ay, not knowing quite how to answer.
"Go for it," he demands. "Visualize your target."
"Oh shut up, Danny."
Danny gives up on the conversation, and we go through the breakfast buffet. We are eating and chatting about what we're going to do today, when Lori shows up.
She kisses Danny then takes a seat, "So what are you two conspiring about?"
"Oh, I'm just trying to talk Danny into marrying me instead," I tease.
"Now there's a match made in heaven," Danny says, teasing Lori too.
"A marriage made in hell is more like it," Lori fires back.
"Hey, I lived with him for three years, and we got along just fine," I put my hand to my chest, pretending I'm insulted.
"Yeah, only because Phillip was there to play referee," Lori counters.
Jeez, she's just full of piss and vinegar this morning. Obviously, the run wasn't long enough.
"Did I hear my name being taken in vain?" Phillip says, sneaking up behind me and kissing my neck. He whispers softly in my ear, "Morning, Princess."
I close my eyes for a second to drink in his words, the sound of his voice, his musky smell. I block out everything in the world but him. I have to admit, I love having him so close to me.
He sits across from me and claps his hands together, "So what's going on this morning?"
Lori answers his question, by saying with a laugh, "Jade is trying to talk Danny into marrying her instead of me."
Phillip rolls his eyes.
"Fine," I say, trying to redeem myself. I don't understand why Lori and Phillip think this is so hilarious. "If I can't marry him, then I will be his bachelor party," I smirk and smile seductively at Danny.
"Whatever," Lori says and shakes her head at us.
Danny winks at me.
"So what's on tap for today, Miss Cruise Director?" Phillip asks Lori, ignoring me and changing the subject.
"Well, I'm going to have a long day of lying on the beach doing nothing but watching the ocean, while Manuel brings me a whole bunch of drinks with little umbrellas," she answers dreamily.
"Sounds perfect," Phillip replies, in an equally dreamy voice.
Danny and I glance at each other, worried. Because sitting still all day may damn near kill us, or at a bare minimum, drive us insane.
Lori rolls her eyes and says, "Here you two. Don't look so dejected. There are lots of activities."
She slides Danny and I each an itinerary across the table.
"I took the liberty of booking a few things to keep you two out of trouble."
"It won't work," Phillip says.