Finally, she tied her hair back in a ponytail, applied some mascara and stepped out of her room. Something didn’t feel right. She wasn’t used to having so much makeup on her face, and neither was she used to begging for people’s approval. But she swallowed her pride anyway, with that sleek hair and perfect makeup and pair of polished shoes.
The drive to the hospital was hell. The closer she got to the place, the closer she was to turning back. She was hyper aware of her surroundings, the discomfort she felt because of her shoes and the foundation that was slowly melting off her face because of the heat. There really wasn’t much she could do about it, except turn back and crawl under her bedsheets and decide she wasn’t going to do this at all. But she knew she had to, something was nagging her to just get it over with. Gabriella had called her the night before, drunk as hell, mumbling things she didn’t understand. The first thing she did was drive up there to make sure she was okay, but all she got out of her was a drunken rant about hospitals and fatherhood. Nothing was cohesive, nothing made sense, at least not to her. She tried hard to understand, but it felt like she and Gabriella were worlds apart. She realized how fucked up she was, how her relationship with her father broke her. And it wasn’t like she wasn’t aware of it before, but this time was different. This time, it felt like she was realizing it all over again.
Finally, she got to the hospital. She didn’t even remember how she got there, or when she got there. All she knew was that she was driving around the parking lot looking for a place to stop her car. She must’ve gone around in circles for ten minutes straight, her mind buzzing with thoughts. She found a parking space far away from the hospital, and when she got out of her car, the first thing that came over her was dread. She dreaded walking into that room, coming face to face with the man that caused her girlfriend all this pain. She didn’t even care if he was ill. She knew she could see past the tubes, past the IV’s and the saline bags hanging over his head, to see the kind of monster he really was. A part of her wanted to scream in his face, to ask him why he was doing this. No matter what she did, she would never understand him. And he would never understand her. But never once did she stop to wonder what she was doing here, or why she was here. This needed to happen if she wanted life to go on, and if she wanted her and Gabriella to make it.
“Tolken?” Alicia asked, her lips barely moving. The nurse just stared at her with glassy eyes, and after what felt like a lag, she flinched and broke into a smile.
“Room 206.”
Alicia bolted down the corridor. The smell of disinfectant traveled up her nostrils. Her heart was beating fast. Finally, she arrived at the room. 206. The door was left ajar -Alicia made sure no one inside could see her- and when she caught a glimpse of Gabriella’s mother, her whole body shuddered. She was sitting on the armchair next to the bed, reading a book. Gabriella’s father was asleep, or at least she thought he was, because his legs weren’t moving. The TV was on but nothing else seemed to move, everything was static, even the chick flicks buzzing in the background.
For some reason Alicia dreaded seeing Mr. Tolken’s face. What she expected was skinny and frail, but the reality was totally different. The man had a full face, his skin glistened with sweat and his breathing was so heavy, she could hear it all the way from outside. “Hello,” she said. Her hand was balled up into a loose fist, her toes were curled in her shoes and her face was white as a ghost. “It’s, it’s Alicia.”
“I know who you are,” the man said, his eyes shooting open. Alicia was horrified. She stumbled back a few steps, but then she remembered she had to keep it together if she wanted to win this man over. “What are you doing here?”
For a moment, she didn’t know whether to talk to him or Gabriella’s mother. Her eyes darted from side to side, but then finally they settled on him. It was hard to maintain that contact, to look at him without flinching. Despite his receding hairline and bony arms and ashen skin, Alicia was still scared of him. His nostrils were flared and his lips were slightly parted, like he was about to bark at her at any second.
“I said, what do you want?”
Alicia paced about before she finally slumped down next to Gabriella’s mother. She could feel the woman’s eyes on her, but she didn’t mind. For some reason, she didn’t scare her. Perhaps she was on her side, perhaps something inside her had changed. But Alicia wasn’t going to rely on that. “I’m not here to cause any problems,” she said after a long pause. Mr. Tolken eyed her like a panther. “I’m just here to talk, if that’s okay with you.”
He closed his eyes and turned away.
“I understand,” she breathed, her words barely audible. “I know why Gabriella is who she is, how she’s always trying to prove something.” In the corner of her eye she could see Mrs. Tolken smiling at her. But she wasn’t really smiling; more like looking at her with fascination in her eyes. Maybe she didn’t quite hate her, after all. “I understand why she pushes people away, crawls into herself, puts a shell around her emotions.”
“I don’t really need to listen to this bull-”
“I understand now, and I think you need to understand a few things, too. We both know where all this is going to end.”
“Hey! I don’t need to understand a thing.”
“Please.” Mrs. Tolken’s voice penetrated the silence. “Let the girl finish… please, just let her finish.” The woman’s words hit Alicia like a whip. She wasn’t really expecting Gabriella’s mom to be on her side, or to defend her at all. Mr. Tolken lay there like a corpse, his chest moving up and down rhythmically. Shallow breaths, like the product of life support.
Alicia’s eyes darted from Mr. to Mrs. Tolken. She didn’t know which one was worse to look at. Both aggravated in their own way, plagued by the realization that there was no running away from this conversation. “You’re making the biggest mistake of your life.”
“You think I wanted this to happen?” he asked suddenly. “You think I wanted to cut my daughter off? I didn’t do this… she did this.”
“You know,” Alicia said, getting up slowly. She could still feel Mrs. Tolken’s eyes boring into her, but she embraced it. Because she knew she was right, and no one could take that away from her. “My dad left us when I was a kid. He didn’t leave us knowingly, as silly as that sounds.” She paused for a second, clearing her throat. “My mom didn’t want him to work in music, and so they started having problems, until he decided to leave the house and start over.” Mrs. Tolken nodded and looked over at her husband, who didn’t flinch. “I grew up without a dad, and I didn’t realize how much it affected me until I got older.”
“I’m sorry, why are you telling me this? I was there for Gabriella growing up. I didn’t abandon her.”
“But you’re abandoning her now,” Alicia said, her eyes wide. “I’m not telling you what to do, Mr. Tolken, but I don’t ever want her to feel the same way I did growing up. Can I be completely honest with you?”
“Go ahead.”
“My father and I reconnected recently. It was shortly after my mom died, and I really needed his support. He’s been in my life for almost three years now, but I’m still not fully healed. A part of me still lives in the past, and I’ve made peace with the fact that it always will.”
“In the past how? You mended things, didn’t you?”
“We mended things, alright. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wake up every day thinking about it. That doesn’t mean I don’t get nightmares every now and then about my father leaving me.” She paused for a second, as if trying to fetch the words from the back of her throat. “And that happened fifteen years ago.”
Mr. Tolken wiggled in his place like a worm. He pulled the covers up to his chin and closed his eyes again, as if trying to shut Alicia out. Finally, he fluttered his eyelashes at her, and for the first time it looked like he was thinking. He wasn’t mumbling things under his breath, and neither was he waving his finger at her. That’s a good start, she thought to herself.
/>
“So you’re saying Gabriella’s never going to forgive me?”
“Do you forgive her?”
“I’ll forgive her when I’m dead.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to see your daughter ever again?”
There was silence. Mrs. Tolken crossed her legs tighter together; Alicia could tell she was getting uncomfortable. But suddenly she felt so empowered. If she was going to win Gabriella’s parents over, then this was the time to do it. “I want to see her,” he said finally. “But I just can’t do it. I-”
“If I wasn’t a woman, if I was a man… would you have accepted me? Would you have accepted us?”
“She broke my heart. She killed me.”
“When she left?”
“When she left.”
“So we understand each other.”
“But your case is different… this is my daughter we’re talking about.”
“And this is my father we’re talking about. Do you know how hard it is growing up without a dad? I had to let him back into my life, because I couldn’t stand losing him again.”
“She wouldn’t answer our calls. It was like she had disappeared off the face of the earth. What’s her excuse?”
“Sometimes the excuse becomes your love for the person. I love my father, do you love Gabriella?”
“I do.” It was like she was seeing a completely different side of him now. He clutched the bed sheets with his hands and squeezed his eyes shut. Not in pain, not in anger, but in remorse. “I want her in my life,” he mumbled. “I just don’t know how to talk to her anymore. I feel like we’re worlds apart now, it’s too late.”
“Hey, it’s not too late now,” Alicia said, shaking her head from side to side. “You know when it’s going to be too late?”
Suddenly she heard sniffing. She looked over and all she could see was Mrs. Tolken massaging the bridge of her nose. Her face was red, her whole body was quivering. “Hey, that’s okay,” Alicia said, her hand hovering over the woman’s shoulder but not touching it. “I’m sorry if I-”
“No, you’re right,” Mr. Tolken said. “You’re right. I don’t, I don’t want my daughter to hate me. But maybe, maybe it’s too late.”
“It’s not too late,” Alicia said. “Or else she wouldn’t have come all the way over here to mend things. She wouldn’t be in the state she’s in right now.”
“How, how is she? Has she talked to you?” he asked, his eyes wide.
“Yeah. She’s not in the best place right now, she still feels like she disappointed you.”
There was a pause. Mr. Tolken let out a sigh. His lips formed into a pout, and his fingers tightened around the sheets.
“You know, Gabriella’s the reason why I am who I am today. Sounds weird, doesn’t it? That it’s not my parents who did this. She did it, no, we did it, together.”
“And if you don’t mind me asking… in what ways did she change you? How could she possibly help you if she couldn’t help herself?”
“How can you not see that she’s more than capable of taking care of herself? She survived all those years, completely on her own… she didn’t need anyone, not even me.”
“But you needed her?”
“I needed her so badly. I was lost, I didn’t know what I wanted and then she came along and somehow everything fell into place.” She got up and started pacing the room. Suddenly it all came back to her. How the two of them met, her first glimpse of Gabriella, the way she swiveled her hips on stage. Alicia’s lips curved to a smile just thinking about it. That woman, who was once just a singer on stage, meant everything to her. She helped her through everything; she gave her strength, she made her follow her dreams.
“Was she the one that talked you into leaving your parents?” Mr. Tolken asked, staring at her through heavy-lidded eyes.
“She talked me into realizing my dreams, that’s what she did. Running away was my decision, not anyone else’s.” She laced her fingers behind her head and stared at the ceiling. The whooshing of the fan was almost relaxing. “What I’m trying to say is… Gabriella saved me. If it weren’t for her, I would’ve never become a producer. I would’ve been hovering around tables in a dirty apron, smiling at people that didn’t have the least bit of respect for me.”
Mr. Tolken nodded. He moved up in his bed and looked over at Alicia. That glimmer that had dulled, it went off again in his eyes. “I’m glad my daughter had that impact on you.” There was a pause. “I really didn’t expect that.”
“Well, she did. She saved me, Mr. Tolken. Your daughter saved me.”
“When you ran away, how d’you think your parents felt? Did you just cut them off the way Gabriella cut us off?”
“I got into a huge fight with my mom before I left… then she died almost a month later.”
The silence seeped into the room like toxic gas. Alicia felt little when she said that, but she could tell Mr. Tolken felt a lot. “D’you think she forgives you?”
“I know she does.” Alicia didn’t hesitate. “And you know who helped me get through it all? It was Gabriella. She helped me; when I was at the funeral, crying my eyes out on that church bench, she was sitting right there next to me… rubbing my back, telling me it’s all going to be okay.”
“I’m happy she was that supportive of you,” Mr. Tolken’s eyes hovered around the room. They glazed over, but before anyone could flinch, he hauled himself up and threw his legs off the side of the bed. “Can you promise me one thing?”
“Sure.”
“Promise me you’ll be supportive of my daughter when I die. Please, just be there for her. I know it’s going to break her.”
Alicia felt her heart sink. Her lips parted, but no words came out. Mr. Tolken withered away in his bed, like rotten fruit. Somehow he appeared smaller than when Alicia first saw him. He looked sadder, frailer. “I’ll be there for her,” she breathed. “I swear to you, I’ll be there for her.”
He smacked his lips together and averted his gaze to his wife. “I want to speak with my daughter,” he said.
CHAPTER 16
“Hey, can you pass me the Dijon mustard?” Mr. Tolken asked, his eyes fixated on Alicia.
“Here,” she said. “Oh my God, those meatballs are amazing. Do you use seasoning in there?”
“Ask him,” Mrs. Tolken said, flashing her husband a smirk. “He’s the chef over here.”
“What?” Alicia’s lips broke into a smile. “You made this?”
“Hey, I maybe sick but I’m not paralyzed… yet.”
Gabriella smiled. Her father had been doing a lot better lately. It wasn’t like he was cured, or that he was going to stop getting treatment anytime soon, but he was doing better. He was getting up, moving around the house, even cooking sometimes. Gabriella wondered if he stayed in bed just so he wouldn’t see her. But all of that was over now. Right now, all he cared about was spending time with her. And surprisingly, with Alicia.
“Well, it’s really good.”
“Yeah, really good.”
“So, Alicia, what does it feel like being in such a small town?”
“I’ve lived in a small town my entire life, this isn’t any different. You know, sometimes I miss it, living in a place like this. I miss the solitude.”
“And the fact that the people here don’t know you?”
“And the fact that people here don’t know me.”
A giggle rose amongst them. The sun seeped in through the blinds, illuminating the entire room. Gabriella looked a bit nervous. Alicia reached her hand out across the table, but she didn’t take it. Perhaps it was too soon for such things.
“The people here recognized Gabriella, though,” Alicia said, her arm falling limp to her side. She picked up a fork and started fishing for chunks of bacon she knew she wasn’t going to eat.
“Yeah, we keep forgetting, our daughter’s famous,” Mrs. Tolken said, raising an eyebrow at Gabriella.
“Hey, you
think I like being followed around everywhere I go?”
“Do you have body guards to protect you?” Mrs. Tolken asked, her head cocked to the side.
Gabriella giggled. “Mom, I’m not that famous.”
“Yes, you are,” Mr. Tolken said. His voice was hoarse, almost like he had a cold.
“Come on, honey, you can’t just walk around like that. You need someone to protect you,” Mrs. Tolken said, a look of concern in her eyes.
“Wow, I never thought you’d say that,” Gabriella said, rolling her eyes. “I don’t think I’m getting a bodyguard anytime soon… I can protect myself.”
“My little girl’s all grown up,” Mrs. Tolken said, tapping her fingernails against the table. “I can’t believe it.”
“I can’t believe it, either,” Mr. Tolken said, averted his gaze to the door. Haley came barging in with a large water bottle in her hand.
“Here you go, dad,” she said, setting it down on the table in front of him. “You stay hydrated.” She pulled a chair and slumped down onto it. Mr. Tolken popped the lid off the bottle and downed it all in one gulp.
“The view from here is very nice,” Alicia said, peering out the window. “I haven’t seen this much green in a very long time.”
“What’s your neighborhood like?” Mr. Tolken asked. Suddenly it dawned on him that he had no idea where his own daughter lived. Sure, he knew on the map where she lived, but he’s never visited her. He didn’t even know what her neighborhood looked like. Was it crowded? Was it suburban? Were the people friendly?
“I’m betting it’s pretty posh?” Haley asked with a grin on her face.
“I mean… it’s not posh…”
“It is posh,” Alicia said, bursting into laughter.
“So, do you guys live together?” Haley asked. The whole place fell silent. Mr. Tolken scooped some rice onto his plate and stared straight ahead.
“Yeah,” Gabriella said, her eyes fixated on her sister’s. They widened in embarrassment, and then Haley felt like she needed to change the topic.
Just For You: A lesbian romance (Play Me a Song Book 3) Page 12