What was he doing in there? Why was the door closed? I was happy I hadn’t knocked. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but whatever it was brought more laughter. I stepped back as if the door had caught fire. There was something about my grandfather’s laugh that was different. I hadn’t heard it since my grandma’s passing. Sometimes, despite their ages, they could act and sound like young lovers. He sounded too much like that.
Maybe it was wrong for me to be angry about it, but I was. How could they be enjoying themselves so much and so soon? What happened to the worry about me? Even the worry about the boy? A new suspicion reared its ugly head. Had my grandfather known Mrs. Camden before all this? I wondered as I turned and walked quickly back to my room. Maybe all that talk about her being experienced with patients who had suffered serious physical and psychological traumas was hogwash, as Grandpa Arnold would call it. Maybe his real reason for bringing the boy to our house was to get Mrs. Camden here.
I closed my door and sat on my bed, thinking. Lila’s comments about my grandfather being such a catch returned. It had bothered me to think of him being romantically involved with anyone back then, and it really bothered me now. I thought about all those references he continually made to my grandmother. Didn’t he mean them? Didn’t he miss her as terribly as he claimed? How could he want another woman, and in this house especially? Grandma had decorated it, decided the arrangement of everything that was in it. Mrs. Camden was sleeping in the bed my grandmother had chosen for that room!
Love, I thought bitterly, it was as easy to file away as a library card.
I was fuming until I was in bed and closing my eyes. Even then, I couldn’t stop thinking about their laughter. What were they doing now? Having a consultation about the boy? Hardly that, Clara Sue, I told myself. Grow up. They’re not playing spin the bottle.
That’s what I would do. Starting tomorrow, I thought. I would grow up. I couldn’t grow old enough to leave this house for college fast enough. I chased after sleep for at least an hour before I could wrap my arms around it and make it take me into my new fantasies.
On Thursday, I asked Aaron to take me shopping after school. I told him to go busy himself while I went about choosing a new outfit to wear.
“I don’t want you hovering around me. It will make me nervous,” I said.
He laughed. “That’s what my mother always tells my father,” he said, and went off.
The clothing store I went into had just gotten some new fashions out of England. I was surprised at how short the skirts were. When I tried one on, it was halfway between my knees and my thighs. You don’t bend over in this unless your back’s to the wall, I thought. No way I could wear it to school. It was certainly different. I liked the crimson color and decided to match it with a top that was also just a little too tight to wear to school. Feeling reckless with the money Grandpa had given me, I bought a pair of red boots to match and some new red panties. It was all bagged up for me by the time Aaron returned.
“Will I be surprised?” Aaron asked as we left.
“Oh, I think so,” I said. “Along with everyone else.”
As Friday came around, excitement began to build. All my girlfriends kept asking me what I was wearing, but I told them I hadn’t yet decided. Only Lila was a little suspicious, because she had found out that Aaron had taken me shopping. I hadn’t told my grandfather or Myra anything, either. On Friday, Mrs. Camden came to my room in the late afternoon. I had bought myself some new foundation, blush, eye shadow, and mascara. The salesgirl in the store had given me some tips on how to put it on, especially the eye shadow. She had helped me pick out a new lipstick, too. I had just showered and done my hair when Mrs. Camden knocked and stepped in.
“Hi,” she said. “I was wondering if you needed any help with your makeup for tonight.”
“How would you know, really? You hardly wear any,” I said.
“Not while I’m at work, no.”
I turned away from her and continued to brush out my hair. “You’re not always at work here,” I muttered loudly enough for her to hear.
She was silent. I waited a moment and then looked at her. She was staring at me with the strangest expression on her face.
“What?” I said.
“Nothing. I hope you have a good time,” she said, then turned and walked out.
My emotions were tied in knots. On one hand, I was proud of and satisfied with myself for cutting her off at the knees, as Grandpa might say, but the pained look on her face stirred the softer part of me, a part I had come to believe was more of a weakness. I wanted to ignore it. I was tired of crying, of protesting, of feeling alone and abused. I was tired of playing the victim. Let them be victims for a change, I thought. Tonight I rule.
I started on my makeup.
After I dressed, I stood there looking at myself in the full-length mirror. It really was like looking at a complete stranger. Of course, I was aware of how my body was developing. I saw the eyes of my girlfriends study me in the locker room, just the way I studied some of them, always comparing and being afraid that I wouldn’t be as pretty or as sexy as most of them. I actually admired the girls who were not as self-conscious. I wanted to be just as indifferent about the curves developing, the way I was being molded into a young woman. I wasn’t as crazy as some, who I knew were measuring everything weekly, if not daily. The girls who were still quite flat-chested looked mournful and envious sometimes.
I had bought two new bras, one I wondered if I would have the nerve to wear. In size, I was somewhere between an A cup and a B cup. The padded bra I had bought gave me the look of a woman with a definite B size. In the slightly tight blouse, I looked quite voluptuous. Was it too much? Did I dare?
Defiance was still raging in me. I swallowed back any hesitation and, now quite pleased with my hair and my makeup, walked out confidently. Aaron would be here any moment. Mrs. Camden, Myra, and my grandfather were sitting in the living room and talking. I paused in the doorway. They all looked at me, but no one spoke. My grandfather actually blushed. Mrs. Camden looked at him and then at me.
“And who could this be?” Myra finally said.
I knew my grandfather well enough to realize that he was about to voice his displeasure, but Mrs. Camden beat him to the microphone.
“You look very pretty, Clara Sue,” she said. “Very grown-up.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” I shot back.
“Clara Sue!” Grandpa said. “You thank people when they give you a compliment.”
They all stared at me.
“Thank you,” I said. “I’m going out to wait for Aaron. He’ll be here any moment.”
“Remember to be home before midnight,” Grandpa warned.
I looked at my watch and then at the grandfather clock. “That’s five minutes fast,” I said, and walked out of the house.
My legs were trembling, but I felt so good about myself that I nearly broke out in laughter. I did laugh when Aaron drove up. He got out, took one look at me, and put his right hand over his heart as he pretended to battle back a wave of dizziness.
“Idiot,” I said, moving to the car.
He rushed around to open the door for me. “Are you trying to kill me with beauty?” he asked.
I looked at him, our faces inches apart. “Proceed at your own risk,” I said.
He smiled, looked back at the house, and then kissed me softly. “I think we might have a good time tonight.”
“Depends on your definition of a good time,” I said, and got into his car.
He nearly tripped over himself rushing to get back behind the wheel.
As we pulled away, I looked up at the window of Willie’s room. I knew it was my imagination, or at least, I thought it was, but I saw that little boy looking down at us mournfully, the way Willie used to whenever I went anywhere without him. I quickly leaned over and turned up the volume
of the radio. Aaron accelerated as soon as we were clear of the gates, and I felt as if I had been launched into space.
Audrey’s house was about half the size of my grandfather’s, but it was still quite a large ranch-style home, with that famous big basement furnished with fun things like a pool table, a jukebox, and a Ping-Pong table at the far right end. There was a bar, too, but her father had done a funny thing with all the visible bottles of liquor. He had put a piece of tape at the top of any bottle that had been opened so he could tell immediately if Audrey had permitted any of her friends to have a drink of rye, vodka, gin, scotch, or bourbon. The bottles of beer were in a locked cabinet. Only soft drinks were visible. Charlie Martin immediately suggested that Audrey simply add water to any bottle of liquor we sampled.
“That’s what I do at home, and my parents have never noticed,” he said.
“If my father does, I’m grounded for the rest of the year,” Audrey replied.
She was the shortest girl in our class, doll-like, with diminutive facial features and crystal-blue eyes. She had been going with Ted Davis for months. He was a junior, nearly six feet two, and a star on our basketball team, and the sight of them together always brought smiles. Audrey said her father called them Mutt and Jeff, after some old cartoon.
There were twenty of us at the party, and when Aaron and I appeared, it was like the parting of the Red Sea. My girlfriends, led by Lila, immediately surrounded me to find out where I had bought my skirt and blouse and boots. I could feel how some of them were actually happy to see me so upbeat since Willie’s tragic death. They all ranted about how horrible our strict school dress code was. Everyone but me vowed to have her parents go to the next PTA meeting to protest for us. I couldn’t even begin to imagine my grandfather doing such a thing.
As it turned out, Audrey didn’t have to sneak any of her father’s liquor. Tommy Koch had brought two flasks of vodka. He explained that vodka didn’t smell as much on your breath as the other liquors. Everyone was anxious to try it, but some couldn’t hide their nervousness, especially Audrey.
“Nobody had better throw up in my house,” she warned.
Of course, the boys assured her that wouldn’t happen. While Ted was dancing with Audrey and the lights were low, Tommy and two other boys snuck some of her father’s vodka, replacing it with water, and the drinking continued.
I felt a little dizzy and even a little nauseated after eating some pizza and anchovies. By now, Aaron and I were dancing very close. I was practically sleeping on him. I could feel his lips on my cheeks and my neck, and at one point, disregarding anyone else in the basement, we kissed like they kiss in the movies.
Audrey stepped up beside us. “If you don’t make a mess,” she said, “you can use my bedroom.”
The suggestion excited and frightened me simultaneously. I had never ever been in a bedroom alone with a boy, not even my own. In fact, I had never had a boy visit me at my grandfather’s house. Aaron’s excitement took over his face completely. His eyes lit up as the possibilities seized him. I could easily imagine that he was already getting a boy’s eagerness, the famous “erection fantasies” we girls teased one another about when we could talk in secret. Everyone always tried to outdo everyone else with some sort of experience, the most common being “It happened to him while we were dancing.” Most claimed they pretended not to notice—“I was too embarrassed”—while others bragged about how they had pressed themselves closer and tighter, enjoying how uncomfortable it made the boy. It was happening in public, after all.
“What do you say?” Aaron whispered in my ear now.
I had deliberately sought out clothes that would make me sexy. I had put on makeup and been snippy with my grandfather and Mrs. Camden, even Myra. I had been thinking I might even violate the curfew Grandpa had imposed. Why not do this? “Okay,” I whispered back.
I could feel his quickened breath. It excited my own. We turned gracefully and, without looking at anyone, started for the stairway out of the basement.
“Where are you going?” Lila asked before we got to the first step.
I looked at her. “I’ll let you know after I get there,” I said.
Her mouth locked open. Aaron laughed.
I had been in Audrey’s house enough times to know where her bedroom was. We were there in seconds. Aaron closed the door behind us. There was enough moonlight streaming through the opened curtains to outline her bed clearly. We didn’t turn on any lights. Aaron turned me toward him, and we kissed again.
“I have what we need,” he said.
No girls in my class or in the class ahead of mine were ashamed that they were still virgins. Some were more suspected than others of having lost their virginity. Whether it was true or not, they seemed to have a more sophisticated air about them, especially less patience for “childish flirtations.” We had our girls’ health classes and were taught enough to know what to expect and how dangerous it could be to have unprotected sex. I had read as much as I could find about it on my own. Without a mother, an older sister, or even a grandmother, I was really on my own as I matured. I was on my own tonight. How far would the rage against my grandfather and my unhappiness at home take me tonight?
We kissed again. Aaron guided me to Audrey’s bed and gently lifted me onto it. He got beside me, and we kissed, his hands moving to unzip my blouse. There was resistance in me, but I covered it the way you covered a pot of boiling milk and let him undo my bra and bring his lips to my nipples. How many times had I fantasized about this and wondered what it would feel like? Now it was happening. A rush of warmth curled around the insides of my thighs. His fingers were struggling with the zipper on my skirt. I put my hand over his hand.
“This is Audrey’s bed,” I whispered, as if everyone was listening at the door.
“So? She invited us to use it.”
“I’m a virgin, Aaron.”
Did he understand? How sophisticated, really, was he? Boys were more apt to fabricate their sexual experiences. They were always proving themselves to one another, strutting like peacocks when they were convincing. “So? Let’s put an end to that disadvantage,” he joked.
“I could stain her bed,” I said, and he stopped trying to undo my zipper.
“You could stain mine anytime,” he said, and kissed me again, but I heard the disappointment in his voice and felt it in his kiss.
I sat up, pulled my blouse over my head, and dropped it and my bra beside me. He took off his shirt quickly. Then I slipped out of my skirt, and he took off his pants. How far could I go without going too far? I wondered. I was exploring myself as much as we were exploring each other. We were lost in the wonder of our passion. I was already past boundaries I had set for myself with every boy I had ever been with at a party.
We were simply holding on to each other now. He paused to take another deep breath, and then he brought his lips down between my breasts, to my stomach, to inside my thighs. I could hear myself moaning as if I was listening to someone else. I heard him unwrapping his protection. I tightened, but he said, “It’s all right. I’ll wait for the next opportunity, but a guy needs relief.”
We moved against each other. I was building toward that climax I had brought on myself in my most secret moments. We both reached it together, and then we held on to each other like two people afraid they would sink or fly off if they didn’t. After a few more moments, he turned onto his back, and I turned onto mine, but he continued to hold my hand.
“You’re not just using me, are you?” he asked.
“What?”
He leaned up on his right elbow and looked down at me. “I’ve been with girls who wanted to get even with someone or something.”
“I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t want to be here with you, Aaron. Sound familiar?”
He laughed. “So you’ll respect me in the morning?”
“You’re such an idiot,�
�� I said. But I was really whirling with how close he had come to my deepest emotions.
“Sure you don’t want to reconsider home base?” he asked.
“Home base?”
“We’ve been all the way to third. You know what’s going to happen now, don’t you?”
“Enlighten me, my know-it-all.”
“Audrey’s going to inspect her bed and then tell everyone you weren’t a virgin.”
“I’ll take my chances,” I said.
He laughed and lay back again, this time putting his arm around my shoulders. I turned and rested my head against his chest. “I’ve decided to do whatever I can to help you,” he said.
“With what?”
“Your situation at home. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.”
“There’s nothing to do. Except wait.”
“For what?”
“For him to remember who he is and where he came from.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Then there will be something to do.”
“What?”
“Help him remember,” I said.
12
Aaron brought me home well before midnight. We were among the first to leave Audrey’s party. As we started out, I saw Steve Marks poke Aaron playfully in the ribs and overheard him say, “Leaving early? I guess you got what you wanted tonight.”
“Worry about yourself,” Aaron told him.
It was actually Aaron more than I who was concerned with the time.
“I’m not risking your getting grounded,” he told me, half joking. “I’d end up moaning like a dog in heat under your bedroom window.”
I was glad Aaron had drunk very little vodka. I’d had more but stopped before I would get sick. Lila didn’t look too well when I saw her after Aaron and I had come out of Audrey’s bedroom. She was holding her stomach and lying in a corner with her eyes closed. That was all I’d need to do, and I wouldn’t just be grounded, I’d be incarcerated. I wasn’t exactly winning sympathy at home these days.
Secret Brother Page 17