“It’s okay, doll. I’ll send someone to search the house and see if maybe Renley and his boys have it.”
“No…” She sits on her heels, wringing her hands. “It’s gone.”
I kneel in front of her, taking her hands in mine. “I’ll get you a new one then.”
“I don’t want a new one!” She twists her hands out of mine and jumps to her feet, pacing the room. I sit on the edge of the bed, not knowing what to do. I watch her until she turns to me with tears in her eyes. “He took it, didn’t he?”
“You don’t know that. We’ll find it or I’ll buy you another one.”
“What happened with the Snakes?” she asks as if she didn’t hear me.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“I thought they had some information,” I answer. “They don’t.”
As I stare into her eyes, I see the change. I see the regression. All the progress she’s made the last couple of days disintegrates. I watch her close in on herself once more, her eyes going dead. My helplessness is amplified. Not only can I not find the man who hurt her, but there’s nothing I can do to help her heal. What’s the point? What’s my purpose in her life? She’s wrong. I’m nothing to be thankful for. I’m just…nothing.
She turns and walks out of the room, leaving me without another word. I drop my head into my hands, the urge to throw in the towel threatening to overtake me. Maybe I should let someone else take the lead. Maybe I’m too close to the situation. But how can I look her in the eyes and tell her that not only can I not find the culprit but I’m also having someone else take over? I can’t. I’m a man who keeps his promises and I intend to keep the one I made to her.
I pull myself together and set out to find her. She’s on the couch with Ron and Chrissy and they’re all sharing a joint. Our eyes meet and she takes a long drag, her stare daring me to do something. I look away and head to the bar. Britney places a beer in front of me and gives me the smile that used to start a chain of events ending with her riding my dick. I pick up the beer and turn my back to her. E joins me, then Ace and Frog. They talk amongst themselves while I return my attention to Raven. Her head is on Ron’s shoulder and she’s trailing her fingers along his cut. I can’t even be pissed. She needs comfort, and I can’t provide that for her right now.
Ron leaves the girls and they move closer to each other. I narrow my eyes as I watch them. Something’s off. It’s like they can’t keep their hands to themselves.
“What are they smoking?” I ask Ron.
“Just weed.”
“No, not ‘just weed’. Look at them.”
Chrissy’s trailing her fingers down Raven’s cheek while Raven’s doing the same to Chrissy’s leg. They’re staring at each other as if discovering a new wonder.
“If it’s one of ours, it’s probably laced with X.”
I go from zero to a hundred in half a second, getting into Frog’s face. I have to give him credit. He doesn’t even flinch. “You gave my woman X?”
“I didn’t give your woman anything but by the looks of what’s going on, you should be thanking me.” He motions in the girls’ direction.
I turn around and my dick about does a somersault in my boxers. They’re kissing. Slow, gentle kisses, tongues touching, fingers exploring. Hot as fuck. That should be me, not Chrissy. I intend to rectify it, too. Raven looks up at me, eyes glazed over, when I stand over them.
“I hate you,” she tells me.
“No, you don’t.”
“Okay. I don’t like you.”
“Right now. You’ll get over it.” I hope.
She takes my extended hand and I lead her back to the bedroom. We climb into bed and she straddles my hips, sliding her finger across my lips.
“You’re pretty.”
“Men aren’t pretty, baby doll.” I chuckle.
“You are…but I still hate you.” She leans forward and rubs her cheek against mine. “Your beard is prickly. It feels good.”
She starts skimming my arms with her fingers. I take a calming breath but it does nothing.
“Take off your shirt. I want to feel your skin.” She sits up and tugs on my shirt, pulling it up. I oblige, tossing it to the floor. She explores my chest, tracing my tattoos with light touches. I close my eyes, relishing in her gentle caresses. Then, I feel her skin on mine. Jesus. She’s removed her top and her naked breasts are pressed to my chest.
“Touch me, Gage,” she begs on a moan.
I keep my eyes closed because I just might lose it if I look at her. I let my fingers glide up and down her spine. She shivers, whimpering as she presses harder into me. I know it’s the drug in her system but here I am, once again, taking advantage of it. She needs to be touched, so why shouldn’t I be the one doing it? She pulls away from me, taking my hands in hers.
“Look at me.”
I open my eyes slowly, dragging in a breath at the sight of her sitting on top of me, her gorgeous breasts on display. She moves my hands to her breasts and I give them a gentle squeeze.
“Touch me.”
I roll over, putting her beneath me. She stares up at me, lips parted, breathing heavy. God, she’s beautiful. I move down her body and begin kissing my way up her legs. When I encounter the first scar, I close my eyes and press my lips to the mark. I find each one, vowing to avenge her all over again. When I get to her stomach, she sniffles. I look up and there are tears streaming down her cheeks. I lie next to her and pull her into my arms. Counting each tear as they fall on my chest, I envision myself unloading my gun into the man responsible for this. One bullet for each tear.
CHAPTER 11
***Gage***
Just like I’ve done every night for the last couple of weeks, I lie in bed and watch her drawing at her table. The therapist encouraged her to use her art as an outlet, but I don’t know how helpful it is. She keeps drawing the same thing over and over – her view from the bed as her masked attacker stands at the door with his knife. Her nightmares have only gotten worse, and she’s now at a point where she can’t even sleep without the sleeping pills she was prescribed. Her therapist also prescribed depression meds, but I haven’t seen any changes since she’s been taking them. If anything, she seems worse. She’s always tired and when it comes to food, she either eats too little or too much. She’s changed so much over the last couple of months. This thing destroyed her. She’s not the vibrant, fun-loving girl I met, just a shell of her former self. It kills me to see her like this.
“Come to bed, babe.”
She glances over at me, her face expressionless, then walks to the bathroom. I know she’s taking her pill. When she climbs in next to me, I pull her into my arms.
“You know what tomorrow is, right?” I ask.
“Thursday?”
“Yeah, but it’s also Christmas Eve.”
“Oh.”
Her tone of voice is as dead as her expression was.
“I have a surprise for you.”
“Is it the blue box in the closet?”
I go still. Of course I remember the box in the closet. I just didn’t think she knew about it. “Have you opened it?” I ask apprehensively.
“No.”
I try not to breathe a sigh of relief. “No. But under no circumstance do you open it. Understand?”
“I understand.”
“Good. Now, go to sleep.”
***Raven***
I open my eyes and find he’s been watching me sleep again. This time, though, he has a smile on his face.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning,” I echo.
“Brush your teeth and meet me outside.”
He hops out of bed and hurries through the door. I drag myself out from under the covers and get myself ready to meet him. I’m a little curious to see what this surprise is. Throwing on one of his hoodies and some UGGs, I head out to the bar. Gage is standing by the clubhouse entrance with a Cheshire cat grin. What the hell is he up to?
“Holy, fri
ggin’ hell, it’s cold out here. Can I come in yet?” An urgent voice comes from outside.
My heart skips a tiny beat. I move in the direction of the voice as Gage opens the door. Toni runs inside and I have my arms around her before she even sees me. She returns the embrace, squeezing tightly.
“Rave…”
God, I’ve missed her. Talking on the phone is just not the same as having her with me. I can’t believe she’s here.
“I thought you were going to Jamaica for Christmas?”
She pulls back and gives me an empathetic smile. “I am. I can’t stay but when Gage called, I knew I had to come see you.”
“How long?”
“I have a flight back to Miami this afternoon then I catch the last one to Kingston.”
I take her hand and drag her back to the bedroom. If I only have her for a few hours, I’m going to make use of it. She sits on the bed and I lie with my head in her lap, closing my eyes as she strokes my hair.
“Talk to me, Rave. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.”
“I figured you haven’t been telling me the whole story, but at least you sounded okay on the phone. Why have you been hiding this from me?”
“I…please, I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just…stay like this?”
“Whatever you need. Just know I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
“Thank you.”
The time flies by. Before I know it, Gage is at the door telling Toni it’s time to go. I walk her out, clutching her hand.
“When will you be back?”
“After New Year’s, but I promise I’ll come spend Spring Break with you.”
“Thanks for coming.” My voice breaks as the tears threaten to fall. She kisses my cheek, wipes the moisture from her own, then she and Allah drive away in the Charger. Gage wraps his arm around my shoulders and takes me back inside. He tries to get me to eat, but everything is like cotton in my mouth.
“Close your eyes,” he whispers as we sit at the bar. I do as he asks, waiting patiently as he places something around my neck. “Okay. Open.”
He’s replaced my ‘12 Gage’ necklace. We never did find the original one. This one’s a little different, though—it has my name on it, too. It should make me happy, shouldn’t it? As I rub the pendant between my fingers, I feel…nothing. Exactly the way I’ve been feeling for God knows how long.
“Thank you.”
I leave my stool and lumber back to the bedroom, straight to my artist’s table. For weeks, I’ve been seeing the same image in my nightmares. It becomes clearer each time, and I’m hoping the identity of the masked figure will be revealed soon. I draw that image over and over each day, trying not to forget any details. By the time Gage comes to get me for dinner, my fingers have begun to cramp.
“Babe, sit with me for a little.”
I sit next to him on the edge of the bed and stare at him expectantly. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectangular box before turning to face me.
“I was going to give this to you tomorrow, but I want you to have it now.”
I take it from his fingers and flip the lid. There’s a silver charm bracelet sitting inside. He picks it up and I give him my hand so he can clasp it around my wrist.
“This,” he begins, fingering the first charm – a tiny barbecue grill, “is for the barbecue where we met.” He moves to the next one, a miniature motorcycle. “I gave you a ride home that day. You’re the first and only woman to sit on my bike.”
The next one is a monkey, so I raise a curious brow. He chuckles in amusement.
“Monkey bread. That was the night you agreed to be mine.”
The next one is a blue bead. That one I can figure out. There’s also an artist’s palette, and a treble clef – my favorite color, my art, and love of music.
“We can add more when you want, or I can get you different ones. I just thought –”
“I love it,” I cut him off. And I do. It’s probably the most thoughtful gift he’s ever given me, but somehow this feeling of emptiness overpowers my every emotion. I hug him, wrap my arms around him tightly, not just in thanks but to hide my joy-free face from him. His fingers dig into my back from how close he’s holding me. I stare at the wall, unaffected, uncaring, and unwilling to be any different.
“I’m not letting you go, Raven. We’re gonna fill up a hell of a lot more bracelets with all the memories we’re going to make.”
Memories. That’s the problem. I don’t know if I want to remember or forget. How can I make new ones when I’m stuck in limbo? How is it fair to Gage to keep him there with me? It’s not. I won’t do it anymore.
I need to set him free.
***Gage***
It’s Christmas Day. Everyone around me is enjoying themselves. There’s good food, liquor, friends, family, music, gifts…everything you could ask for on a day like this. My woman is snuggled under my arm. I have all I need, yet I’m not happy. I can’t be, not when Raven isn’t. She barely ate and hasn’t spoken much to anyone, except for Mikey when she played with him for a while. She’s sitting here fiddling with the charms on her bracelet. I thought it would have made her happy. Women like that kind of shit, don’t they? I have one more gift for her and if that doesn’t even get a smile out of her, I don’t know what else to do. I catch Motor’s attention and give him the signal to get ready.
“Raven.”
“Hmm?”
“I have something to show you.”
Sitting up, she observes me, biting into her bottom lip. She slips her hand into mine and we make our way toward the exit. I stop just long enough to get her into a jacket, then take her outside.
“Where are we going?” she inquires.
“Just out here. Close your eyes.”
She throws me a cautious glance then obeys. I move behind her, covering her eyes with my hand until Motor brings her gift to the front. When everything is in place, I remove my hand.
“Okay. You can open them.”
She doesn’t speak or move. I step to the side to make sure her eyes are open, and she’s staring at her gift the same way she’s looked at everything the last few weeks – as if she’s looking right through it.
“Do you like it?” I ask.
“It’s…it’s a car.”
“It’s your car.” I take her hand and pull her closer to it. “Come on.”
I’ve had the guys working on it for a while now. She’s always loved the Mustang so I got her one identical to mine, customized for her. Of course, it’s blue. On the hood, there’s a decal of a Raven perched on a skull. Okay, so there’s a piece of me in that. She’s my woman, after all. It’s also fitted with blue neon underbody and wheel lights. I left the interior intact because I figured she’d want to set that up her way.
“Well? What do you think?”
“It’s pretty.”
“Pretty? No, baby doll. It’s badass, just like you.” She still makes no move toward it, so I grab the key from Motor and hand it to her. “Let’s take it for a ride.”
I open her door and she climbs in slowly. It takes her a while, but she finally gets the car moving. She’s driving like a Driver’s Ed student, but I keep my thoughts to myself. The streets are deserted, so at least we don’t have to deal with impatient assholes. The car accelerates and I think she’s finally getting into enjoying it, but she just keeps speeding up. The road’s a little icy, so I’m getting concerned.
“Raven?”
She doesn’t answer. She’s staring straight ahead, and I watch as the needle on the speedometer climbs until it passes one-twenty.
“Raven!”
***Raven***
I hear Gage calling my name. Vaguely. All I can think is that I can’t do this anymore. I need it to end. I unbuckle my seatbelt and press down on the accelerator, watching as the vehicle eats up the road. Gage’s voice comes to me as if in a dream, asking what I’m doing. It has to be a dream because he’s not here. Once I do this, he’ll b
e free to move on, to be with someone who doesn’t have the emotional baggage I do. Yes, this is what I need to do. We’ll both be free. I close my eyes and release the steering wheel, embracing my fate. Yes. This is it.
I feel a weight on my chest and get ready for the pain I know is coming. Instead, the tires screech and the car swerves then slides to a stop. All the time, the weight on my chest is unwavering. I open my eyes and see it’s a hand. A hand keeping me pinned to my seat. I turn my head to the right and Gage is sitting there, breathing like a dragon.
“What the fuck was that?” he demands. “Get out!”
I scramble out of the car. He climbs over into the driver’s seat and shuts it off. In an instant, he’s out of the car and forcing me against it. The realization of what I was about to do hits me and I break down in a panic. This is the second time I could have killed him. How could I forget he was in the car with me?
“What the fuck, Raven? You could have gotten us killed!”
He’s angry. He has every right to be. I deserve more than his anger, more than the shouting. I cringe, closing in on myself as he goes off on me.
“I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard but no matter what I do, it’s not enough. Is that what you want, huh? To die? You want to leave –?”
He reels in whatever he was going to say, fisting his hands at his sides. The icy eyes are back and this time, they’re directed at me. I might as well be dead because I can’t bear for him to look at me like that.
“Get the fuck in the car. Now.”
***Gage***
The way I’m gripping the steering wheel, I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. That stunt she just pulled has me wanting to go on a rampage and kill everyone in sight. Fuck me. When did she get to this stage? Being sad is one thing, but suicidal? Her fucking therapist is about to get reamed a new asshole. Fucking bitch could have said something. Shit.
When we get back to the clubhouse, I drag her out of the car and to the bedroom. Everyone stares as we pass, but no one says a word. I slam the door and throw her down on the bed. She’d been crying quietly in the car but begins to sob now.
Claimed: Death Dealers MC Book 3 Page 10