He stood, holding his hand out to help me up. “Hell if I know. One minute it’s almost seven and the next…” He turned back toward the kitchen. “Tommy, can you wrap us up two of whatever you have left to take home to nibble on?”
I grabbed my plate, walking it into the kitchen to discard the uneaten food and put the plate into the pile of dishes to be cleaned. I watched as Jonathan reached for my notebook. I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t look at the pages and was relieved when he closed the book and handed it to me.
“Here you go, boss. There are a couple servings of veal parmesan, a large antipasto salad, and a couple of extra cannoli.” I watched as he handed the takeout bag to Jonathan before thanking us both for sticking around.
When we reached Jonathan’s, or rather our place, he put the food in the fridge and headed toward the bathroom to draw us up a nice bath. I decided to light a few candles in the bathroom and bedroom for aroma and relaxation purposes.
Chapter 5
The bath was more soothing than I’d dreamed. Jonathan washed me thoroughly and massaged some of the kinks out of my shoulders. I’d offered to return the favor, since he’d had a much worse day than mine, but he declined, stating that just touching me melted his stress and anxieties away.
The last thing I remembered was lying back against his chest, feeling the warmth of his embrace as he turned on the jets to the tub. It felt so heavenly I soon felt myself drift.
My body seemed to float before coming in contact with a soft surface. Something soft and warm enveloped me, but was quickly pushed aside. A chill ran across my skin before sliding into the smoothness of sheets. I felt myself being pulled tight against another body as sheets covered us. A soft kiss was placed on my cheek. “Sleep well, my sweet Grace. I love you.”
I could feel my lips move, but I can’t recount what I said. Hopefully, I managed to utter words of endearment, since I have never loved someone as much as I love Jonathan.
Blackness surrounded me and I replayed what I’d begun to write earlier. How the pain of being used and mocked by Barry had sliced through my heart. I remembered my plan to go out with him again and then reject him, so he could feel what it was like to be used.
A brief memory flashed in my mind and sent a chill racing down my spine. I found myself subconsciously huddling closer to Jonathan in my sleep. I saw memories of that night. How did I forget this? Why is he laughing at me? Please make the pain stop!
“Nooo!” Jonathan was quick to hold me tighter, but I needed space. I pushed myself from him and bolted upright in bed, breathing erratically and feeling the need to move.
His face was filled with dejection, but I’m obsessed with the need to write down this memory. I think this may be the answer I’m seeking as to why I’ve had problems submitting to one of Jonathan’s positions where I always safe word on him.
“What’s wrong, Grace? Talk to me, please.” He’s freaked out because I am.
I grabbed hold of my robe and wrapped it tightly around me as I searched for my notebook. I looked over at him. “Where’s my notebook? I remembered something that I’d blocked out and I need to write it down so I don’t forget it.” My hands try to express my urgency and need to get this done.
I watched as he jumped out of bed and threw on a pair of boxers. “It’s downstairs. I’ll go get it.”
He’s back within a couple minutes, but I’ve already begun pacing the floor. I wanted to call Laurel and talk with her to see if she remembers me telling her anything about my memory. However, I glanced at the clock and realized it’s three in the morning. She might be up for a feeding, but I didn’t want to risk it.
Jonathan stopped me mid-pace. “Here’s your notebook. Is there anything I can do to help? Maybe make you some tea to help calm you?” He bent his knees so we’re eye level. “I’m here for you, always!”
I wrapped my hands around his neck and drew him in for a quick kiss. “I know you are and I love you for that. Some hot tea does sound nice. I just need to get this thought down.” I’m not sure whether I’m ready to talk about what I remembered because it has my insides quaking with nerves. “I’m not sure, but I might need to talk this out when I’m done.”
He seemed relieved by my words, knowing that I’m not pushing him away from what I remembered, instead I’m inviting him into my mind and sharing what’s bothering me. I get that whatever is bothering him will bother me and vice versa, so I’m willing to focus on the “we” to make “us” better.
I noticed his shoulders relaxed and a smile spread across his face. “We’re in this together, love.” He hugged me tight to his chest and ran his hands down across my back in soothing circles. “I’ll get your tea while you write.”
I was already at the desk writing when he left the room.
August 8,
How on earth could I forget such a thing? My last entry had my plans to go out with Barry and then reject him for using and hurting my feelings. I thought the plan had merit, and in my sleep I remembered that I called Laurel, told her what I was going to do, and she agreed. However, she asked me to take my cell phone and let her brother, Donny, know where I’d be.
Her brother, and his friend, Freddie, had stayed over at our place for the weekend. They were attending Duke University, which was only a couple towns over from ours. Donny was missing the familiarity of family and my parents had offered them to spend the weekend with us.
I remember thinking my plan was foolproof and I’d have safety with Donny as my back-up. How wrong I was!
Donny warned me that it was a bad idea and I should’ve listened. Barry was all nice and sweet until he pulled into the abandoned field outside of town. He seemed to go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in a matter of minutes.
I’d let him talk me into the backseat, where we could get closer to one another and kiss. He kissed and groped my body like a mad man. He’d been gentler the first time he’d talked me into sleeping with him.
When he pinched my nipple hard enough to make me scream, I pushed him back and demanded he stop. He tried convincing me that I needed what he had and he was the only one who could give it to me. That was total bullshit. I didn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t trust, who only wanted to hurt me. Granted, he was amazing when we’d slept together, but I’d never admit it.
I remember reaching for the car door and hearing the locks engage. He grabbed hold of my blonde locks and pulled me back against him. One hand held my hair tight as the other wrapped firmly around my throat. “We are so good together, Grace. Just remember how good it felt, how I had you screaming my name when you came.”
I turned toward him, yelling, “I faked it, asshole!”
My comment must’ve angered him. His hands tightened, causing my head to hurt from the pull on my hair and my oxygen flow to restrict, making me feel light headed. “You will not lie to me. I’ll have you screaming my name in no time.”
I reached for my phone and pressed the speed dial number for Donny. I heard it connect. “Hello? Grace, where are you?” That was the last thing I remember before everything went black.
I remember waking to the pain of being slapped across the backside with a hard paddle. Both of my arms were bound together at the elbows and tied to the car door, immobilizing me, and the scent of sex was heavy in the air.
I tried screaming, but he covered my body and whispered in my ear. “No one can hear you out here. Remember, we’re miles away from town and any houses. The only scream I want to keep hearing is you coming.” Nothing had gone as planned. I wanted to be swallowed up by the earth and just die.
“When I’m done making love to you, I’ll take you within a couple of blocks of your house and then we’re done. I need to return to school where there’s more experienced cunt to fuck.” He held me close and taunted me with these words in my ear, making me want to vomit.
I heard glass breaking and felt Barry being pulled away from me. There was a struggle, some punches thrown, and some obscenities flying that even a sailor
wouldn’t dare repeat. A blanket was quickly thrown over me and my arms were released. “It’s okay, Grace, we’re here to protect you. I’m just sorry we took so long to pinpoint where you were.”
It was Donny. He and Freddie had used some software to pinpoint the closest cell tower my phone call had come from and found me. It’s just too bad the damage had been done.
He pulled me from the car and sat me on the backseat of my parents’ SUV. I noticed Freddie’s knuckles were a bit bloodied and watched as he wiped his hands on Barry’s shirt before going over to the car to retrieve the rest of my clothes.
They tried to talk me into calling the police and pressing charges, but I refused. I told them about the evidence on Barry’s phone and they wiped his memory card clean, even going to the extreme of resetting his phone to the factory settings, so he’d lose all of his contact numbers, photos, and everything.
“I feel like a damn fool. I wanted him to feel rejection and instead he—” I couldn’t even say the words that night. I’d already lost the “perfect” status when I lost my hand, but add this to the pile and I was sure my parents would disown me entirely. I wouldn’t risk that.
When Barry came to, he tried to rationalize that we’d been lovers and he’d only taken what I’d offered. Technically, that was true, since I’d offered my body freely a few nights ago. There was no evidence since he used condoms. He did get me to…I can’t say the words. I’m too embarrassed. I felt conflict that night. I guess I blocked certain aspects out of my mind, because now, when I think back on things, I’m still conflicted.
I remember both Donny and Freddie closing the doors on the SUV and walking over to Barry to have a talk. They didn’t want me to hear what was being said. It was funny to watch how fearful Barry was when Freddie held his fist up to him. In hindsight, I wish I’d had the chance to kick him in the nuts while he was unconscious.
Was I nothing more than a quick screw to him or anyone? I’d cried hard that night. I remember feeling my soul had been sucked from me. I just began existing at that point.
Donny, Freddie, and I swore that we’d never bring up what happened. They did encourage me to talk to Laurel a couple weeks later when they saw that I’d withdrawn emotionally from everyone around me. My parents and all my friends had noticed a difference.
Laurel had already saved me from myself once after the crash; she did it again by just listening. She helped me realize that my only mistake was going back out with him. Whether I’d intended to call it quits with him or not, he’d used me. At least I’d been rescued and could focus on putting it behind me.
My relationship with my cousins and Freddie intensified. We stayed in touch and supported one another’s goals and aspirations in life. As for Barry, he returned to college the next day and I never saw him again. I still don’t know to this day what the guys told him, but I’m thankful I never had to deal with him.
I felt ashamed and stupid for having fallen victim to Barry, but when Laurel had a similar experience to overcome, we both realized we were victims to things that shouldn’t have happened. I was so thankful I could be there for her and help her heal, but hated that she had to go through even more emotions than I did.
To this day, my parents thought I’d just been in a bad mood for a few years; going through what they called the “loner” phase, but I was bitchy in order to keep everyone away from me. I’d gone from confident to nervous about everything in a heartbeat, but I hid it as well as I could. I began to use guys and turn them away, rather than let them into my heart and be used by them. Rejection was easier served than received.
I put on the act of needing to have power over others, when silently I needed to be controlled to feel safe. Jonathan is the first person to see through my façade and give me that comfort, to a degree.
After a couple of years had passed I’d decided to take my life back and focus on my future. I distanced myself from the incident and focused on my studies, found a college far away from my town, and built a new life for myself. At least that’s what one side of me wanted. The other wanted to give up on everything. But I wouldn’t let Barry have the satisfaction. I was a fighter who’d win!
My parents were shocked when I finally declared a major and found my calling. They’d advised against the job I wanted, citing it would be an impossible field to penetrate because it demanded perfection. I remember telling them, “Perfection can go screw itself! I’m going to get the job I want and do what I love!” They weren’t happy with my decision, but did offer their support.
I was in the doctor’s office for a check-up when I noticed a handsome guy walk to the counter and ask for a moment of the doctor’s time. I was surprised when he was warmly greeted, shown into an adjacent room, and the doctor stepped out to chat. The guy was a pharmaceutical sales rep and had the respect and attention of the doctor and his staff. He offered to set up a luncheon to come in and talk about a new drug they were carrying and the rest was history.
I liked the idea of being looked up to and getting the reverence I deserved. I wanted to walk into an office and be treated with kindness. I had the gift of gab and being able to talk to pretty much anyone. It wasn’t until later, after digging into some research that I realized most of the reps were hired based on their physical appearance. But I wouldn’t let that stop me. I was smoking hot in appearance, just one small flaw; I was missing a hand. Maybe I could be the first to break down some of the stereotypical barriers.
I thought writing all this out would show me the answer to one problem, but now I have two. I question whether I have my job based on my abilities, knowledge, and drive, or if I was hired because I’m Laurel’s cousin, since Garrett owns the company I work for. I already knew this was a problem, but it’s resurfacing more, forcing me to find a solution. Maybe Jonathan can help me figure out a way to talk to Garrett and put my mind at ease. In one sense I want to know, but not if I find out I was only given special favor because of my cousin.
My other problem lies with my inability to handle a doggie style position, whether I’m tied to the headboard of our bed or the spanking bench Jonathan has in his play room. Now I know why I’ve panicked and safe worded on him every time we’ve tried that position. I’ve blocked a portion of that night from my mind; the position I was put in. I’ll need to talk with both him and Jocelyn to try and figure out the best way to overcome this fear so we can try to replace the one bad experience with good ones.
I heard some noise behind me and stopped writing as Jonathan placed a tray with a pot of warm tea, a couple of tea cups, some honey and lemon, and the cannoli from the refrigerator. “This all looks heavenly, thank you.”
He took a seat near me and I got up to give him a quick peck on the lips. “You have perfect timing. I just finished up my thoughts and realize I need to talk with you and Jocelyn about them.”
He smiled and nodded, placing his hand on mine and giving it a squeeze. “You can talk to me about anything, any time, and anywhere.”
I explained what I remembered from that night. He’d known that my boyfriend hadn’t taken no for an answer and what had ultimately happened. I began filling in the holes to my story. I was surprised when his fist came down to punch the arm of the chair he was leaning back in. “I’ll kill the bastard.”
I believed he would, if needed. Jonathan was definitely my protector. “It’s not necessary, babe. I heard he was picked up on campus for dealing drugs and thrown in jail. While in the slammer, he got a taste of what he did to me from his cell mate.” I watched as a smile crept across his face. “I don’t know what happened to him after that, but I love how karma can be a bitch and come to bite your ass when you least expect it.”
He lifted me from my chair before returning to his with me on his lap. “No wonder you freak out every time we try that position.” He held me tight to his chest, kissing my forehead, while running his hands up and down my arms. “We can talk with Jocelyn and see if she has any suggestions for working past your issues. If not, then we
can just cross that position off our list and try to be creative and find some new ones.”
I pulled back in time to see his mind processing the idea of new positions and scenes with me. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was on his mind, especially when I felt his hard piece of meat poking me in the ass.
I reached out to grab the tea pot, but he bent over and poured some for me, adding just the right amount of honey and lemon. The first sip was an explosion of flavor in my mouth as I realized he’d brewed one of my favorite teas, green tea with lemon and ginseng.
He was smiling at me, but then looked puzzled. “Didn’t you say there were a couple of issues?”
I nodded. “Yes. I realized I wanted the job as a rep because the industry expects someone who looks perfect and knows what they’re talking about. I wanted to go against the grain. But now I question whether I got the job because Garrett was interested in Laurel or whether I earned it.” I shivered a bit, still not sure I wanted to know the answer.
Jonathan raised the cup in my hand to his mouth and took a sip. Why did he bother bringing two cups when he’s drinking out of mine? I could tell he was deep in thought. “I’ll give Garrett a call and either I can outright ask him or we could arrange a time for you two to talk.”
Oh, great. Just what I want, to try and talk with Mr. Control Freak! Would he be honest with me or would he give me a song and dance just to appease me and keep Laurel and I both happy?
I felt his thumb try to soften the creases in my brow. “You’re thinking too hard about things, babe. Garrett will be honest with you. We’ve both learned that’s the best policy when dealing with you Hart gals.” Damn straight you better!
“Knowing my brother, he probably got you the interview, but you’re the one who got the job. He defers most of the pharmaceutical hiring and knowledge to your boss. So if Evan Daniels made the offer, it was most likely due to your own merits.”
Learning to Move Forward: Novella #3.5 Page 5