What she said next shocked me. “You’re hiding something from your writing, Grace. You stated, to some degree, what happened the night you were used by Barry, but it seems as though you’re withholding some pertinent information, something that may shed light on why you panic when placed in a similar sexual position.”
My eyes bugged out. “How did you…?”
She smiled softly. “Jonathan has been talking with me, trying to figure out ways to help you feel more comfortable. He’s been extremely concerned about your reactions to anything dealing with you on all fours.”
I felt hurt and betrayed that he’d talk behind my back. I pulled away from him, ready to lay into him verbally, when Jocelyn brought up a valid point. “You told me there’d be no secrets between you and that we could talk freely about each of your issues.”
Damn, she was right. I had agreed to that. I wanted to show Jonathan that I loved him enough to trust him to discuss my issues with Jocelyn. I just figured it would be while I was in the room.
His arm pulled me back against his side. One hand came up and caressed the side of my face, turning it toward him so he could plant a chaste kiss upon my lips. “I only want to help, love. But I do feel you’re leaving something out about what happened with Barry, and until you admit that, you won’t be able to move forward with anything else.”
Jocelyn piped up. “I agree with him, Grace. You need to be honest with yourself and with us. What exactly happened that night with Barry?”
I didn’t want to relive that part of my life, I was embarrassed by it. So I got furious, hitting the sofa with my fist. “What does that part of my life have to do with my parents?”
She sat back calmly in her chair and crossed her hands over her knees. “The psyche of the mind will sometimes be black and white where all things are connected from points A to B and make sense. However, there are other times when one of the lines goes askew and ends up in a random area, affecting more than we realize. Your issues with your accident and that night appear to be related to the way you and your parents react to one another. Until the smaller issues are corrected, the other aspects of your life will remain problematic. You could also call it a domino effect. One domino fell out of line in your life, causing more to fall out of line, so your life doesn’t flow smoothly, and until the set-up is corrected, nothing will run properly.”
I felt like I’d just gotten slapped upside the head. Everything seemed to make sense. I thought back on it and the two times in my life where my parents pulled away from me were right after the accident and after I had a run in with Barry. Our relationship has never been close since then.
I was silent when Jonathan leaned in, kissing my cheek. “It’s up to you, sweetie. You have my support, always, but you are the only one that can set your life straight. You have the power. I believe in you!”
I glanced over at Jocelyn, who was nodding. “Set yourself free, Grace.”
I didn’t know where to begin. “I don’t know how you both knew I was hiding something about that night with Barry. I feel ashamed to admit it, but there is more to the tale. I knew he drove us out to the field to have sex. I kept trying to find the right time to dump his ass, but wanted to wait until he got worked up and then kick him to the curb. I realize now that’d been a mistake and it was lighting the fuse to a stick of dynamite.”
My body began to shake. Jonathan surrounded me with his warmth and encouraged me to continue.
I could feel the tears fill my eyes. “He got worked up and while I told him I didn’t want to go further, he somehow managed to turn my body on, even though my mind said no. That’s when he hastened my breathing enough to where I passed out. When I came to, I was coming. Why the hell would my body orgasm?”
I felt Jonathan’s hand rubbing circles along my back as I wept into his chest. “Is there something wrong with me? Why, given the circumstances, would my body find enjoyment, when my mind didn’t want to? Am I a freak?”
Jocelyn shook her head. “Grace, you’re not a freak. Your body and mind can sometimes separate in dire circumstances.”
Okay, that made some sense.
“When you had relations a couple days earlier, did he take control over you?” Jonathan asked.
“He was kind of dominant, but more ordering me around than anything. Why?” Was he making some kind of point?
I watched as he re-read one of the paragraphs in my notebook. “How well did Barry tie up your arms?”
I shook my head and looked at him with puzzlement. “What does that have to do with anything?”
To my surprise, Jocelyn spoke up. “I think I see where he’s going with this. Please think back to how well your arms were tied.”
I closed my eyes and thought back to that night and suddenly visualized what I hadn’t seen before. I described how he’d had the one hand tied to the car door to secure me, but the way the knots and rope wrapped around my arms and secured me into place… “He was a dom?” I questioned, feeling a panic attack coming on.
My breathing was out of control. “Grace?” Jonathan was kneeling on the floor in front of me, both hands on my face, trying to force me to look at him.
“Look at me, now!” His dominant voice boomed, forcing my eyes to focus on him. “Now breathe in with me, hold it; now exhale. Again.” We did this for several minutes until my panic attack subsided.
“I don’t think Barry was a dominant, or we would’ve had problems early on with power exchange of dom/sub relationship. I think you had a bad run in with a poser.”
Jocelyn remained quiet until that point. “I agree. If he were a true dom, you would’ve had adverse reactions to the moment Jonathan pulled his first dominant act.”
I was confused. “What’s a poser?”
I looked between the two to see who’d answer when Jocelyn lifted her hand and deferred the matter to my fiancé.
“A poser is a dominant wannabe. In a dom/sub relationship, as you know, there is an exchange of power and control. The dominant’s job is to care for his sub and make sure all her needs are met and the dom gets off on giving pleasure to his sub. In many ways, the sub has the power because they can bring the scene to an end by saying, “No. Stop. Or safe wording.” When that happens the scene stops completely. A poser won’t stop. He wants ultimate power over the person he’s interested in. It doesn’t matter if the person he’s interested is hurting, scared, passed out, or whatever. They’re not satisfied until they get what they want, no matter how much pain or scars they inflict, whether physical or mental.”
“So he was a poser?” I questioned.
Both of them nodded. “I’d almost bet on it.” Jonathan admitted.
That left me more confused than ever. “But why was I getting turned on? How was he making me come? Shouldn’t my body have shut down?”
No one answered until Jocelyn stated, “It’s okay to speak openly about sex here. Anything we discuss will not leave this room. I may be a psychiatrist, but I’ve had my share of experiences with my late husband, my Sir, too.” She seemed to blush a bit, regarding her admission.
Wow. Who’d have thought that Jocelyn? Well, to each their own, as the saying goes.
Jonathan spoke freely, still kneeling in front of me and cradling my face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away the tears as they streaked down. “You know how you’ve pushed my buttons a few times and I will either give you forced orgasms or deny you the ability to come?”
I nodded, but didn’t see where this was going. “So?”
His eyes were tender. “He knew enough about dominance to force your orgasms. You may think you came and enjoyed it, but if you know the right places to tweak, you can get anyone to orgasm on command.”
My voice was weak as I asked, “So I’m not a freak who enjoyed him?”
“No, honey, you’re not. You’re a wonderful woman who’s been dealt one bad blow after another in life and has come out stronger and more loving as a result. That’s why I love you so much.” He leaned forward and kissed me gently on
the lips.
For the first time in forever, I felt one of the bands around my heart break and float away. My hands wrapped around his neck, holding him as close as possible. “Thank you.”
We sat there for a long time, just wrapped in each other’s arms, just absorbing the moment. Jocelyn was the first to break the quiet. “That was quite a break through. How are you feeling, Grace?”
“I somehow feel like a weight’s been lifted off my heart. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I thought I’d enjoyed Barry’s actions that night. I never wanted to admit it to anyone, fearing I would be considered damaged goods. But now it makes sense. I had no control over anything that happened, not even my orgasms.”
She nodded and then suggested, “Do you think that maybe your feelings of being damaged might’ve driven a wedge between you and your parents because of your perfectionist tendencies?” She paused. “You did write that you were afraid they’d think even less of you and your distance from them grew as a result of that night.”
“I admit I did keep them at arm’s length. I didn’t want them to know what happened. I already felt they thought less of me as a person because I was no longer their perfect daughter. Why did I need to give them another reason to look down on me? I was a sick-o who got off on her boyfriend taking advantage of her.”
“Is that what you think they’re doing?” she asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Jonathan piped up. “You do tend to keep them at a distance. But I agree that your mom keeps insisting on everything being a certain way. Your dad seems to just go along with whatever.”
“This is interesting,” Jocelyn admitted, scribbling down a few lines on her notepad. “I think it’s time you confront your parents. It might not be pretty, but until you do, you will keep them at arm’s length and they’ll likely do the same with you. This is creating conflict between all of you and until you address it and resolve your issues, it may only escalate until you come to blows.”
“What will that serve? What if we only end up yelling at each other and walking out?” I wondered.
“I think all of you have been caught in a bad loop. Instead of keeping the lines of communication open and addressing issues shortly after the accident, you’ve instead widened the distance between all of you, allowing more of life’s issues to widen the gap even further, until now when you’re at each other’s throats, barely holding it in.”
She looked at both of us. “I think it’d be beneficial to have both Jonathan and Laurel with you when you confront your parents. They can help validate your statements and concerns and possibly get them to see you from a new point of view.”
I digested what was said and agreed. “You’re right. This needed to be addressed a long time ago, but any time I got close to doing it, my mother would always shift the conversation elsewhere. Having my cousin and my fiancé with me might make them listen.”
“What about your job?” Jonathan asked.
“I was going to talk with Garrett yesterday. I dropped by his house after the fitting to spend more time with you and the babies, not expecting you guys to get called into work. Then everything seemed to snowball from there and here we are.” I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I promise to talk to him as soon as he’ll spare a minute.”
“It sounds like you two have a good plan. Now just make sure you follow through with it. Feel free to call me if you have any issues or concerns that arise from your talks.” Jocelyn got up and came over to sit beside me on the sofa. “I think you’ll feel free to move forward with life once these issues are put to rest. Let me know how things go.”
I gave her a quick hug. “Thank you!”
“Any time, dear. Now go take back control of your life and live it.” She smiled.
“I will, promise!” Then I remembered. “What do we do about my fear of being put into a similar position of that night? You know…doggie style.”
She looked over at Jonathan. “Don’t use anything that puts her on all fours, whether it be a bench, bed, or whatever. Let her have full use of her feet or arms. A good thing to try would be using the edge of a desk, the sofa, or a flat surface, where she has use of her arms.”
My eyes started to widen a bit at the idea. Already this was sounding a bit scary to me. She patted me on the hands. “Not to worry, I’m sure he’ll let you have total control of the situation. You don’t have to be alarmed with this one, he’s got a heart of gold.”
That was definitely true. Jonathan would do anything for anyone he loved or cared about.
She turned back to him. “You’ll want to try this position for just a few minutes at a time and try to work up to longer periods of time. Give her words of praise, tell her how much she means to you, and that you love her. Be sure to ask her who has her and that she knows it’s you. From there you’ll want to slowly progress to all fours, but no restraints.”
“So what you’re saying is to take baby steps in trying to overcome my fears?” I asked.
“That’s right, Grace. You’ll progress from standing to all fours, then no restraints to breakaway ones, then to real ones, but no actual sex until you both are comfortable. Essentially, what you’re doing is retraining your mind to not associate the physical act with that night. Instead you’re refocusing on a better memory that you’ll make with your husband.”
Jonathan had remained quiet until then. “If you never get past it, then don’t worry. We can always try something else. I don’t need certain acts or submissions of pleasure to be happy, love. All I need is you.”
We said our goodbyes, promising to call her with updates and make an appointment next week, when we figured out our schedules.
Chapter 9
Jonathan stopped by his restaurant on the way home to make sure everything was running smoothly and to pick us up some food for dinner.
The place was busy, but everything was running smoothly and the customers had little wait time on their food. But my man had to go off and talk with every member of the staff to make sure they were happy and see if he was needed.
This has to stop or we’ll never have any time to ourselves!
I used his office to make a private call to Laurel. I told her about our meeting with Jocelyn. She agreed it was long overdue for me to talk with my parents. “You have some unresolved issues and it’s about damn time you get it in the open.”
She promised to be with me when we finally got my parents to pinpoint a time we could talk. She was surprised when I asked if Garrett was available to talk. I admitted my job concerns and—no surprise—she told us to come on over and she’d make sure he made time to speak with me. “At least I can help you resolve one issue today,” she stated firmly.
I made her promise not to tell him why I needed to chat. I know I overwhelmed him at times with my personality, and truth be told, I loved to see him sweat!
A soft knock came at the door. It was Jonathan. “Are you almost done, Grace? Ready to go home?”
I shook my head. “We may need to pick up some more food. We have a small stop to make on the way home. Laurel just promised me a tête-à-tête session with my brother-in-law to be.”
“Okay? Are you sure you want to do this now? What if he confirms your suspicions?” I could hear the concern in his voice.
“Then I have a choice to make. I can either keep working for him or I can find a job elsewhere.” Since we were talking about jobs, I had to speak up about something else that was bothering me. “Can I talk to you about something?”
He stepped inside the office and closed the door, surrounding me with his arms and capturing his lips with mine. “Sure.” Why does he have to do this to make my mind melt and my knees go weak?
My mind was befuddled from the passionate kiss he’d just laid on me. It took me a couple of minutes to get my focus back. “I wanted to speak to you about the restaurant.”
“Okay? What about it?” He sat down with a curious smirk on his face. He knew
I didn’t know much about running a restaurant, though I’d helped out a time or two when he had some staff out due to illness.
I straddled his lap, which caused me to gasp, when I felt his stiff rod poking my crotch. “I was wondering which you enjoy more, working for Garrett or working here?”
His hands came down on my hips and he rocked up into me, causing me to gasp. “I like both, but lately I seem to enjoy the contract negotiations at Waters Medical Industries. Why?”
Two could play this game. I ground down against the bulge in his pants. “Have you ever thought about keeping the restaurant, but promoting one of your staff to be a manager, so they’ll have to deal with some of the problems and not bother you as much?”
He leaned forward and plastered my neck with gentle kisses and swipes of his tongue. “I’ve tossed around the idea, why?”
I rubbed my chest against his, feeling my nipples harden as a result. “What if you promoted one of them, but maintained creative rights and ownership of the place, plus you gave them a small stake in the restaurant? It would probably boost morale, make for fewer missed days, since they’d all have a small piece of the pie, so to speak, and have to work more cohesively as a team.”
What he did next happened so quickly, I didn’t have much time to react. He locked the door, had my pants and his off, and had me splayed out across the desk on my back. “I want your arms above your head. Grab hold of the desk, if you can, and don’t let go until I tell you to.” He reared back and in one quick thrust he pushed balls deep into my pussy.
His lips came down hard on mine, capturing my gasp. “I need you quiet, love. This is a restaurant, after all.”
This wasn’t making love, like we’d done earlier this morning. This was hard, fast, dominant fucking. He set a pace that had my body whimpering with the need to release. “No coming until I tell you.”
Damn him! I needed to come now!
“But I—” I couldn’t get my words out as his tongue burst into my mouth thrusting in and out, much like his cock was doing to me. Jonathan took complete possession of me and I loved this.
Learning to Move Forward: Novella #3.5 Page 8