by Leddy Harper
His eyes used to calm me. One look into those rare, dark blue pools and I’d forget the world. I’d forget all about whatever had plagued me and lose myself in the love that bled from them. But not this time. I didn’t see any love there. I didn’t recognize the look he gave me. It was all so foreign, and nothing like the visions that would dance behind my eyelids every time I’d close them while I had been gone.
His unshaped, dark brown eyebrows pinched together in the center of his forehead as he peered down at me. It almost seemed as if he were fighting himself with something. “It’s over, Edie. It was over when you left. You don’t get to spend a couple of years doing your own thing, and when you need us, come back. That’s not how things work. Next time you want to fall into me and cry, just remember…you’re the one that walked away. Not me.”
I sobbed so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath enough to respond. I knew that what he’d said had been the truth, but it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as coming back home and having everything fall back into place. I’d only hoped that he would at least give me a chance to speak. But after what I’d done to him, leaving him the way I did, I had no reason to hope.
Beth chose to walk back outside at that moment. She moved cautiously to the end of the front walk and stopped at the driveway. It was then that I noticed she was barefoot, which only meant she was comfortable in the house—more comfortable than she’d been before. She stood there without her shoes on and it felt like a knife in my back. She merely glanced at me and then took in the sight of Donnie, dropping her shoulders as he began to walk toward her.
Watching him walk away from me and into the waiting arms of my best friend hurt more than anything. The way her hands gently touched his arms as he approached her, and the way her body shifted into his sent my head spinning and left my stomach knotted. She had been the one person I trusted with everything—hell, I had it in my will that she’d take care of my children if Donnie and I were to die. I guess she’d only been fulfilling my wishes, but that hadn’t been what I’d meant when I made that decision.
She whispered something in his ear and he nodded. Without a backward glance, he walked back inside. Beth followed him, but then turned at the last minute, looking at me with a broken expression that I couldn’t decipher before closing the front door, leaving me outside all alone.
It was what I deserved.
It was what I had once upon a time wanted.
But not anymore.
It was going to be a fight—I knew that much to be true. But I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t give up on getting my family back. Donnie needed to see that I was sorry. Beth needed to see that she couldn’t replace me. And my kids needed to see that their mommy loved them, no matter the horrific choices she’d made in the past.
I had been in a bad, dark, lonely place in my life when I left. I wasn’t there anymore. The fog had lifted and the regret cut deep. The loneliness I now felt after being away from my family eclipsed the loneliness I had experienced before. It didn’t even compare.
Pulling myself from the driveway, I trudged back to my car and collapsed against the doorframe with my head in my hands. Crying wasn’t new to me, but this kind was. Before, when I’d cry, it had been out of desperation—out of fear. Now, when I cried, it was out of remorse. Guilt. Shame. But I wouldn’t let that deter me. I had allowed my emotions to run my life once before… I would be dammed to allow that to happen again.
After a deep breath, I sobered my emotions and took a look around at the neighborhood that had once been mine. The house in front of me held so many memories, but the biggest one of all was from the day I walked away. I had made so many bad decisions, so many bad choices, and none of them I could ever take back, but I could take responsibility for them and ask for forgiveness. Donnie wasn’t ready to listen to me, but I could try with the woman I had left my children with as I ran away.
Fear consumed me with every step I took toward the front door. I didn’t assume she would be happy to see me. After what I did to her, I knew she’d have her opinion and I had to accept it. I only hoped she would give me a chance to ask for forgiveness, and maybe hear me out as I explained my situation.
But I never got the chance to do any of that because no one answered the door. And when I looked through the window at the front of the house, I realized why. The house sat empty. But as I turned around, feeling as though all hope of reconciliation had vanished, I noticed a small realtor’s sign sitting to the side of the driveway. I didn’t know what that meant for the Millers, but I knew I couldn’t give up on my quest for forgiveness.
I jotted the number down after climbing into my car and then drove mindlessly back to the hotel room I’d stumbled into at two in the morning. I curled up on the bed and allowed myself one more moment of weakness, knowing that once I got up, I would be a new person. I would stop at nothing to get my family back. All I needed was a nap to help ease the pain that ran through me. The day was still young, and if I allowed myself a few hours to sleep, I could get back up and finish out the day stronger—more determined.
I cried myself to sleep, seeing the images of Livvy’s blank stare as she saw me standing in front of her, and the hatred from Donnie’s eyes. I saw the expression on Beth’s face as she comforted my husband, and the look she sent me before shutting me out.
It cut me deep and I fell asleep, bleeding it all out.
After waking up, I called the number from the sign outside of the Millers’ house, keeping my fingers crossed that it was still available. Knowing my luck, it would have already been taken. But I had to keep up the hope and believe that it was meant to be.
“Kingston Real Estate, this is Brianna, how may I help you?”
A knot formed in my throat as I tried to get out my question. The fear of the unknown ran deeper than I’d originally anticipated. I had already dealt with enough rejection for the day and didn’t know what would happen if I received any more bad news.
“Yes…I was wondering if the house listed for rent on Honeytree Lane is still available. I noticed a sign in the front yard this morning as I drove by.”
“Actually, it is. It was just listed. Would you like to set up an appointment to see it?” she asked in a sweet voice, dripping with honey. They had picked a good one when hiring her to answer the phones.
“No, I don’t need to. I actually used to live in the neighborhood and know the people that used to live there. Do you think I might be able to come down and speak to someone about signing a lease?”
A delayed pause hung in the air before she spoke again. “Well, you might want to see this one, ma’am. There are things in the house that the owner can’t fix. It’s listed ‘as-is.’ You might want to look at it before signing the lease.”
“I appreciate your honesty, I really do. But you see, I’m extremely desperate right now and that house is the only one I’m interested in. Could you by chance tell me what happened to Nancy and Charles? Where they moved to maybe? I would really like to reach out to them, I haven’t spoken to them in a couple of years since I moved out of the neighborhood,” I said, feeling guilty for how I twisted the reality of my departure.
“I can’t tell you where she went, but Mrs. Miller had to leave after the death of her husband. And that’s the reason she isn’t able to take care of the issues with the house. I’m sure she’d love to know that someone she knows will be looking after it for her.”
Her words gutted me. The Millers were an elderly couple that had lived across the street from us. They were so warm and welcoming when we had first moved into the neighborhood, and helped us tremendously with the kids. In fact, Nancy had been the one I’d called to watch the kids for me on the day I took off. I’d told her I needed to run errands and asked if she could watch them until Donnie came home—I never came back. Hearing that Charles had passed away sent a ripple of pain through me. I had missed out on so much, and I hadn’t been there for the sweet woman that’d been there for me cou
ntless times before. Regret once again took hold of me, strangling and leaving me breathless.
I took a breath to calm my nerves and said, “Thank you, and I still want to sign the lease. I would be honored to look after her house while she’s away.”
“If that’s what you wish, ma’am. Do you know where our office is located?”
“Yes, I do. I’ll be down in twenty minutes?” It was more of a question to see if it would be fine with her if I came in so soon. I would have been there sooner if it were at all possible. I needed that house and didn’t want to waste a single second.
“We’ll see you then.”
I threw on some shoes, quickly grabbed my purse, and left, racing to the office to begin my journey of putting my family back together. My mind had been in a fog as I made the drive, daydreaming of spending time with my children and gaining back some of the trust I’d lost with Donnie. No, not lost…thrown away. I had made so many mistakes. Too many… If I stopped and allowed myself to think of them for too long, they’d become overwhelming. This house was instrumental and would be the start of fixing all those mistakes.
I sat in the office, impatiently waiting for someone to come in. Every second that passed added another knot to my stomach. I didn’t think I could bear to hear them tell me I couldn’t get the house. I knew there’d be a possibility since I didn’t have a job, but my credit was high and I had money in the bank.
My foot bounced on the floor, bobbing my knee up and down as my anxiety grew higher and higher. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, a well-dressed woman came in and closed the door behind her. She had a smile on her face, which I tried to take as a good sign.
“Since you have opted not to see the house, we have a list of the cosmetic issues that the owner will not fix. It’s a rental, and with that, she is not obligated to repair any of these issues. However, if something breaks and it’s not due to negligence on your behalf, she will repair those, providing it’s nothing on this list.”
I became curious and asked for the list to see for myself.
Kitchen and bathroom countertops are peeling.
Tile is cracked in the master bathroom.
Six electrical outlets are not working: in kitchen next to sink, two in living room under front window, in master bedroom next to closet, back bathroom next to sink, and third bedroom next to door.
Pocket door to hallway hangs down and doesn’t close completely.
Sliding door to patio gets hung up on track.
Three windows do not open: master bedroom, living room, and kitchen.
The paint on the walls is old and faded.
None of the listed items were enough to make me turn down the house. The only thing that would keep me from taking it is if there had been a dead body on the living room floor—and never removed. Other than that, I was determined to take it.
“If I may make a suggestion,” I said after placing the list back on the table in front of me. “I have experience remodeling. My husband owns several strip malls and takes care of the storefronts. We actually remodeled our house after we bought it. If she doesn’t mind, I can fix these things for her.”
“Oh, will your husband be on the lease as well?” she asked, perking up.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, contemplating an answer. “Well, no. We’re kind of separated.”
She nervously turned her attention—and eyes—back to the contract in front of her. Her smile fell as she cleared her throat, obviously uncomfortable with condolences. I hadn’t been looking for an “I’m so sorry to hear that,” so I wasn’t sure why the change in mood.
“Along with the list of things the owner won’t repair, you also need to know that the lease would be month to month. In the event she plans to return to her home, she would give you a sixty-day notice,” she mentioned as an afterthought.
“That’s why I need this house. I do not plan for the separation to be too long, so I don’t think it would be smart to sign a twelve-month lease. This house is perfect.”
The young woman in front of me, who couldn’t have been more than a couple of years older than I was, pursed her lips and tapped her finger on the table as if mulling it over in her head.
“If you don’t mind giving me a few minutes, I’ll call the owner and see what she says.” Her tone was light, which I took to mean she didn’t think it was a bad idea. At least, that’s what I’d hoped it meant.
I nodded, giving her my permission to call Mrs. Miller. I worried that she would refuse the lease, finding out I was the one who’d been inquiring about it. I knew she adored me while I lived across the street from her, but after the way in which I left, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I, in a sense, left her with the burden to bear the news to Donnie when he had come to pick up the kids from her house. It was the wrong thing to do, but I was a coward.
I must’ve been lost in my own memories of that day because the woman came back to the room and startled me. I hadn’t been expecting her back so soon, although I knew it couldn’t have been as fast as it seemed.
“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Leery, but Mrs. Miller has asked to speak with you before she makes any decision.” I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I knew I wouldn’t have been able to keep my identity from Nancy, and she wouldn’t be okay with renting out her house to me. But I had to try, and I wouldn’t give up until everything was said and done.
“Sure, I’ll talk to her.”
She smiled and held the door open. “I have her on hold in the other room. You can speak to her there.”
Nerves ate at me until I thought I’d throw up as I followed the woman into another room. Not knowing how my conversation with Nancy would go sent my anxiety through the roof. But I knew my apology was long overdue, and what she did with it was up to her. I knew one thing for sure, though—even if she denied my request to rent her house, it wouldn’t stop me from fighting for my family. I would just have to do it from another house.
“Hello?” I asked as I picked up the phone.
“Oh, child. I have been so worried about you. Please tell me you’re doing okay. Are you well?” Her voice sounded so frail through the phone line, yet so full of worry over me that it caused my eyes to burn with unshed tears.
“I am now, thank you. Listen, Nancy, I need to apologize for what I—”
“Honey, you need to do no such thing to me. Save your apologies for your family. All I’m concerned about is that you’re okay. We were all worried sick about you. I know you must’ve had your reasons…I saw you that day. And the look in your eyes has haunted me since. I always regretted not asking you what was going on in that head of yours.”
My tears flowed freely as feelings of worthlessness consumed me once more. How could I have been so careless to run away when I had people in my life that cared that much about me? I’d left my kids with this woman while I vanished and left behind everyone I ever loved—everyone that ever loved me—and yet after all this time, all she cared about was my safety.
“I don’t think I understood it myself then, to be honest with you. It took me a long time to comprehend what went through my head back then. But I understand now, and I’m ready to make things right.”
“Let me guess, Donovan isn’t making it easy on you.”
I wiped my face and cleared my throat. “No, he’s not. And I don’t expect him to. But I won’t give up until I have my family back. I have a lot to make up for, and a lot to explain. I just need that chance.”
“And there’s no better place to start than the house across the street from them. I won’t be needing it for a while, and it will give me some peace knowing you’ll be there to take care of it. And knowing you’ll be using it as the first step in making things right for you and your children.”
“Thank you so much, Nancy. I wish I could’ve been here to help you with things after Charles…”
A weak sigh rang though the line. “I know, child. But it’s okay. He’s in a better place, and I’m with my children. It seems like you are also in a b
etter place, and hopefully getting stronger every day. Now it’s your time to be with your children. Love your family while you can, you never know when you won’t be able to anymore.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that had taken over my lips. It had consumed my entire face before I even knew it. My cheeks began to ache and my eyes watered again. It was the first time I’d allowed myself to feel hopeful, even if it had only been the house. I knew that was the first step, and I planned on taking many more…I would take leaps if I had to. The only thing that mattered to me had been winning my family back.
I thanked Nancy and promised to keep her updated on how things were progressing between Donnie and me, and she promised to do what she could to help me out. I will forever be thankful for having that woman in my life.
I hadn’t realized how long I’d been there, filling out the necessary paperwork and signing the lease, until I walked outside to my car. The sun hung low in the sky and I knew it would probably be too late to go to the house, but I didn’t care. My suitcase was still in the car from the drive since I didn’t have the energy to take it inside the motel with me the night before. The only thing I needed to do was check out of the room, but that could wait for morning. The electricity and water were included in the rent money, provided I didn’t exceed a certain dollar amount in any given month. So there had really been no reason why I couldn’t go to the house.
Before the car was in reverse, my mind was made up. It was as if there was a magnetic force pulling me toward that house. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a piece of furniture and would have to sleep on the floor, I would be spending the night across the street from my family. That was enough to set my car in motion.
My nerves kicked in as I found myself once again pulling on to the familiar street. The last time I made that drive, it ended with me in tears. This time, it would end with me getting back what I had so stupidly given away.
My family.
I pulled my car into the garage using the electronic opener the realtor had given me. I wasn’t sure if Donnie would recognize my car since I’d gotten it after I left, but it had been sitting in front of his house this morning and if he’d watched me leave, he would recognize it in the Miller’s driveway. I didn’t want to risk him finding out my new address too soon. I wasn’t ready for that quite yet. I needed a little bit of time to observe and plan, and I wouldn’t be able to do that if he knew I’d be watching.