by Leddy Harper
I had a hard time sleeping that night. Insecurities and worries kept me tossing and turning until the sun came up. But at least it motivated me for Wednesday. I wouldn’t to let another day go by without seeing my family. I also was interested to see how Donnie would react around me after our moment in the kitchen Monday night.
While I was away, I had started journaling, needing a way to expel things out of my head. I found the book in my suitcase and grabbed a pen from my purse. That’s what I did during the day as I waited for Donnie and the kids to come home. I wrote all of my feelings and emotions that had consumed me since coming back. Then, I made two lists: one list was my plan to resume the life I had before leaving, and the other was my plan to move on with my children but without Donnie. That was a hard list to make.
I’d told Donnie that I would sign the divorce papers on November twenty-sixth—one day after our eight-year wedding anniversary—if he still wanted me to. That gave me thirteen days—just under two weeks. I would use that time to convey how much I had changed, but I wouldn’t overstep my bounds. He was with Beth and I had to respect that. However, that didn’t mean I would just bow out and give my blessing to let them ride off into the sunset together. I would respect the boundaries of their relationship, but since I planned to be in my kids’ lives no matter what, that meant he would have to see me. If he happened to fall in love with me all over again, then that would be amazing. He’d loved me once—I knew he could do it again. No harm would be done if it were his decision. And after our intense moment together the other night in the kitchen, I knew I at least had a chance.
I had spent hours journaling, getting everything out in order to clear my head. It’d been painful writing it all down, reliving the words he’d spoken to me and the way he had looked at me in anger. It was good, though. It allowed me to absorb the situation. He was hurting—had been hurting for a very long time—and I needed to focus on that rather than my own pain.
Finally, the distant sounds of a car door closing and loud children were heard from beyond the window. I peeked through the blinds to see Donnie home with the kids, carrying bags inside. I’d had a plan all day as to how I would be able to see them closer than through a window. It was a stupid excuse, but extremely valid, and it would show Donnie where my head was at. The hardest part had been waiting long enough after he’d gotten home so that it wouldn’t look like I’d sat around and waited for him.
I told myself to give them thirty minutes, knowing they would probably start eating around six, but the waiting had been agonizing. After twenty minutes, I gave in, unable to hold off any longer, and headed over. It would only be a quick visit I told myself again, one with a purpose, so I made sure I appeared casual—no makeup, no fancy clothes, with my hair pulled back into a ponytail. I hoped my outfit expressed that I had no expectations and just one purpose in mind.
Donnie flung the door open after only one knock, which surprised me since every other time I had come here, I had to wait. The soft expression on his face quickly disappeared when his eyes landed on me, as if he’d been expecting someone else but became disappointed when he saw it was me instead. Who did he expect? Probably Beth. That thought both irritated and upset me, but I stoned my expression, masking my reaction.
His eyes darted over my head and out toward the driveway before settling back on me. “What are you doing here, Edie?” he asked, seemingly annoyed with my presence.
His impatient attitude threw me off-kilter, and I needed to take a moment to gather my thoughts. To say I felt letdown would be an understatement. I’d been nervous all day, but there was always an underlining feeling of excitement. Seeing his content face as he opened the door sent a rush of exhilaration through me. But the moment his smile fell and the obvious annoyance in his tone hit my ears, it all vanished, leaving me feeling unwanted, burdensome, and insufficient.
“I was… Um… I needed…” I shook my slightly, closed my eyes, and took in a deep breath to regain my composure. “I just needed to ask what kind of car seats the kids used. I’m going to pick some up so I’d have them in case I ever needed to go anywhere with them, but I don’t know what kind or size you use.” My voice had taken on its own tone of annoyance, yet I felt more annoyed with myself than anything else. I’m sure he didn’t know that, though.
He scratched his chin and rolled his neck. “Meet me at Target tomorrow at one. I’ll show you which ones you need.”
I didn’t wait for him to say anything else. I nodded and thanked him, turning around so that I wouldn’t have to watch him close the door in my face. I hadn’t even taken two steps before I heard the click of the latch, the sound echoing around me and slamming into my back as if it had been the door itself.
Using the anger I felt toward myself, I fought off the tears from his rejection. I must have been so deep in my emotions because I didn’t notice the car pulling into the driveway, nor did I see her step out. It was as if she came out of nowhere, appearing right in front of me.
Beth gave me an awkward, tight-lipped smile as I passed her; I could only stare at her. I took one step into the street and then stopped, turning to face her. “Is this how it’s going to be now? You giving me a guilty smile as you head in to have dinner with my family?” I hadn’t meant to sound so aggravated, but it couldn’t be helped. Donnie had started it with the rejection only seconds prior and Beth was the one finishing it, making it blatantly obvious that my marriage was over and nothing would ever be the same again.
She pulled her shoulders up to her ears and then let them fall. “I don’t know, Edie. This is just as strange for me as it is for you. I don’t know what I’m doing any more than you do…any more than Donnie does. I’m trying here. What do you expect?”
I shook my head from side to side and threw my hands in the air before letting them fall back to my sides in exasperation. “I don’t know. I guess I just want to make sure this awkwardness isn’t going to be a permanent thing. I just want to feel normal again,” I admitted, more so to myself than to Beth, but it was loud enough for her to hear it.
“We’re all trying to figure this situation out, Edie.”
I nodded and walked back to my new home. It was hard calling it that since the house across the street, in the opposite direction of where I was headed, had always been mine. But Donnie and Beth now occupied that house, leaving me out. I had no choice but to get myself in the right frame of mind.
Livvy, Mikey, and Gavin were still my children.
Donnie was no longer my husband.
My house was no longer my home.
Beth was no longer my best friend.
Those were the things I had to admit to myself while standing in front of my bathroom mirror. I recited them to my reflection repeatedly, refusing to cry, refusing to let it all get to me, and forcing myself to accept it. After that, I pulled myself together and called my only friend, Jan.
Jan was the woman that had lived next door to me after I moved away, and she was the one that saved me from the darkest moments of my life. She talked to me like a mother, and helped me see how a mother should be. It was the first time in my life I actually felt like I had one, which was weird because I had always had Donnie’s mom in my life. But when it came to his mother, she loved with a firm hand. I needed that at times, like most children do, but what I needed most was love. It was the one thing that seemed to be absent in my own house growing up. It was the reason I grew up dreaming about that big house with the big family and perfect husband…because it was something I never had. And when I did get it, it was also the reason why I didn’t know how to handle it. Jan helped me see that without throwing the blame on my own mother. She helped me see where the problem began so that I could start to rectify it.
“How are things going, Idelette?” she asked as soon as she picked up.
“Not at all like how I imagined they would.”
“What do you mean by that? I told you not to have expectations.”
“I know, Jan. But he’s with Be
th…like, with her.” She knew about Beth since I’d talked about her a lot. Beth had been a big part of my life, so aside from my family, I had talked mostly about my best friend, too.
“Did you think he’d be single after all this time?” Her voice didn’t sound sympathetic; it was nothing less than the cold hard truth, much like it was most times I spoke with her. She knew when to give it to me straight and when to soften the blow, and at that moment, I didn’t need anyone in my corner. I needed someone to hold me down and tell me like it was.
“No. I didn’t expect him to be single, but why her? Why couldn’t he have picked up a random woman at the supermarket, one I wouldn’t mind going toe-to-toe with? I knew he wouldn’t have stayed single while I was away, but…”
A moment of silence lingered on the phone and I knew she used the time to find a way to say what she needed to without coming across as rude. Not like that’s ever stopped her before, but she always knows when I can handle it. And I think she knew that with everything I’d faced and gone through over the last few days, I wouldn’t have been able to handle her tough love.
“Stop saying you went away like you went off to war. You weren’t drafted to go overseas and fight someone else’s battles…you walked away and let others fight yours for you. You should be pleased that she was there for your babies. It should make you happy that it was her and not some stranger.”
“But I did fight.”
“You came here to hide and then were forced to fight. When I first met you, you were nothing more than a lost soul, a shell of a human being. You are absolutely right…you did fight, but only after someone shoved a mirror in your face and threw a bucket of cold water on you and told you to wake up. Now, you need to keep fighting. Fight for those precious babies. Let your husband come to his own decision about you; give him that much. But those kids need to know their mother is fighting for them and in their corner. Isn’t that all you needed when you were young? To know that your mother loved you enough to get better and then fight?”
“You’re right.” My words came out sharp and clipped. I didn’t need her to tell me these things; I already knew them. I only wanted someone to make me feel better about everything. Although, I knew before calling her that she wouldn’t give that to me. But she was the only person I had to talk to. At least she validated the conclusions I had already come up with. Now, I needed to continue to put them in motion. I didn’t have any other choice if I wanted my babies back. “Listen, I have to go. It’s starting to get late and I’m tired.”
“I’m always here for you, Idelette. Please know that.”
And I did. I had known that since the first time she knocked my front door down and practically demanded I talk to her. She had a way of breaking my barriers down just enough to put me back together again better than ever, and for that, I’ll always be grateful for Jan.
I took a bath after hanging up the phone. As I relaxed in the hot water, I let my mind wander. It took me back to when the kids were little and all I wanted to do was soak in the Jacuzzi tub Donnie had installed for me when we moved in. That was the only thing I had asked for when we remodeled parts of the house; I’d always wanted a large tub to relax in with a glass of wine and a book after a long day. But reality was that I hardly ever used it. The kids were always crying, there was always a mess that needed to be cleaned up, and by the end of the day, all I craved was my comfortable pajamas and my bed.
I started thinking about all of the things I had wanted to do but never could. I couldn’t go anywhere without getting three little ones ready first. If I needed a gallon of milk, it would be an hour-long process. Loading three kids in and out of the car, all in car seats, took forever and a day. There was no such thing as sleep anymore. I never required too much of it, but asking for five hours of sleep was even too much. Shaving my legs became a luxury, and even then, it was rushed and usually performed at the bathroom sink. A shirt without a stain on it was hard to find in my wardrobe, and most of the time, those clothes didn’t even fit me anymore.
I was no longer Idelette Leery; I was a chauffeur, a nurse, a chef, a maid, a mediator, and a barely-there wife. But there was one job description I hadn’t thought about as I drove away that day, one job that made everything else worth it and I hadn’t given it any thought. I was their hero. I scared away the nightmares, kissed their boo boos, and loved them with every piece of my heart. I was their Superman, but I gave all of that up and didn’t think twice about it. I was a selfish bitch.
The water turned cold and I grew tired of the pity party for one. I got dressed for bed, knowing I needed sleep. I hadn’t gotten much the night before and I could feel the effects on my body. Out of curiosity, I went to the window, knowing I shouldn’t have. It was better not to know.
The upstairs lights were off, meaning the kids were in bed. But Beth’s car was still there and I could see faint light through the downstairs windows, which meant they were in the back of the house. It was still early enough, just before nine, so it wasn’t that unbelievable that she would still be there. I forced myself to lie down on my blowup mattress and abandon the neighborhood watch. We all know that curiosity kills things, and I had let my curiosity see enough. Enough to haunt me and not allow me to fall into the deep slumber my body longed for.
Sleep wouldn’t come, and by eleven, I found myself back at the window. I had an undying need to know how long she would be there for. Her car was still there, but the downstairs lights were off. My heart sank as I scanned the windows through squinted eyes. Just then, a light upstairs came on through the window of the master bedroom. I tried to look away, knowing it would only hurt more to watch, but I couldn’t move. They were in my bedroom at eleven o’clock at night. It made me wonder if he still had the same bed we’d shared, and if he had shared it with Beth this entire time.
My stomach felt weak and knotted, so I went to the bathroom and sat in front of the toilet. It was one thing to know she was there, but it was another to know what they were doing. I tried to think of it as necessary, though. I needed to see it to realize it was real. To understand and put an end to the fantasy that I’d get Donnie back.
I don’t know how long I sat in front of the toilet before going back to the window, and I don’t know how long I sat there, watching the shadows dance in the light across the street. At one point, I could clearly see the outline of their bodies directly in front of the curtains. They were so close to each other and it sent my imagination into a tailspin.
My mind had him touching her, kissing her, and then Beth doing the same to him. His hands were on her, groping, grabbing her as his lips trailed down her body. The visions were so vivid, so clear that it was almost like the curtains weren’t there and I watched them through binoculars. Flesh to flesh, sweaty, moaning, and passionate. Were they face to face or was she turned around with him at her back? Was he gentle with her or rough? Were they making love or was he merely fucking her. Did he please her before filling her? Did she tease him with her mouth first? I couldn’t stop wondering what they were doing and saying to each other. My head literally became filled with a pornographic film of Donnie and Beth. No matter how hard I tried to block it all out, I couldn’t.
Tears spilled down my face and I had no idea where they had come from. My heart became lodged in my throat and I thought I was about to choke on it. My stomach turned upside down, a mix between the pains of hunger and the sick feeling you get after eating too much. I didn’t know if I wanted to throw up or curl into a ball and cry forever.
I had given up on sleeping in my room since I couldn’t tear myself away from the window, and decided that if I were to get any sleep, it would be on the couch. I needed to know when she left, but worried that she wouldn’t. I didn’t know how I would handle knowing she had spent the night.
At almost two in the morning, I finally heard the car. I jumped up and looked out the window but could only see the taillights of her car. Donnie was nowhere to be seen and the light upstairs was off. I didn’t wan
t to know what that meant.
I stood in front of the local Target at one the next day, waiting for Donnie to show up. I had been there for an hour waiting; I was torn with how I felt about seeing him. I didn’t want to look into his eyes after pretty much watching him have sex with another woman, but I needed the car seats. I had lost Donnie, but I hadn’t lost my kids. I would do anything to ensure they were in my life, and if that meant I had to see Donnie when my heart was so irrevocably broken into a million pieces, then so be it.
I finally noticed him walking through the parking lot at almost ten after one. He looked like a mess. His shirt was wrinkled, his tie loosened around his neck, and his wavy hair looked like he rolled out of bed and didn’t do anything to it. My first thought was of how sexy he looked, but I quickly shook that from my mind. I couldn’t afford to think that way any longer. That fresh-out-of-bed look was for Beth now, not me. I refused to allow myself to suffer over that any longer. I was moving on. Well, at least I pretended I was and hoped my heart would follow.
His head was down as he approached, and then he lifted it up, revealing his bloodshot eyes to me. I tried not to look, trying and failing at pretending I hadn’t noticed. He had no smile on his lips, no color in his face, and no gesture of kindness from him. It was necessary, though; all I needed were car seats.
I followed Donnie inside without a word spoken between either of us. He walked to the aisle in the baby section and I followed, pushing the cart behind him, trying not to become overwhelmed with all of the different options for seats. Babies were easy, there was pretty much only one kind for them. Toddlers were harder with multiple different styles, versions, and sizes; it’s why I had asked for his help in the first place.