by Leddy Harper
I remembered writing that and I could remember the day so vividly it was like living it all over again. The pain nearly suffocated me as I heard my own words being read back to me.
Donnie looked at me with tears in his eyes and it became clear to me why he had stopped reading. “I read this, and others much like it, and I can’t help but hate myself for not realizing the pain you were in, for not realizing how much you were suffering.”
My breathing became deep, unsteady breaths as I willed the tears to stay put. “I wanted to talk to you, but I kept telling myself that it was just baby blues. That I was just going through the hormonal changes of having a baby. It lasted a lot longer than with Livvy, but I just thought it was because I had two babies instead of one, so that must’ve meant the hormones were twice as much.
“It was right after the boys turned one when I first thought about leaving. You were in the middle of building that new strip mall on South Franklin. Livvy had hit the terrible twos overnight and the boys were sick with hands foot and mouth. It was a week of nonstop crying, temper tantrums, and germs. All I wanted was a break. Just a few hours to myself. No one wanted to watch the kids for me because the boys were contagious and you were working day and night on the new project. I cried for like seven days straight. Needless to say, the kids got better, your workload eased up some, but the need for a break never went away. It got worse, like I was drowning and there was no relief in sight.”
I reached out and placed my hand over Donnie’s. “Please, don’t misunderstand me, I’m not trying to blame you or the kids for any of this. It was all me. All of it was in my head and I could’ve changed it. But I think I had just gotten to the point where I didn’t think I could be helped. I felt beyond help. I was no longer drowning…I was already dead, floating through it all without a single breath of air left in me.” I finished explaining, feeling the stream of tears run down my cheeks, matching Donnie’s.
He leaned forward, moving even closer to me and grabbed both of my hands. “I feel like a fucking asshole reading what you went through and hearing you say all of this. Honestly, I just thought you were tired of being a mom and a wife. I thought you left to recapture the years you had missed out on. I thought you were envious of your friends for their lives and decided to leave and live your own. God,” he whispered harshly into the quite room. He exhaled and shook his head before meeting my eyes again. “This whole time I have been so angry with you for not opening up to me, yet here I was blaming you and not listening. You’ve tried to tell me all of this, I just haven’t allowed myself to hear it.”
“It’s not your fault, Donnie.”
He didn’t let me continue. “I know. I know it’s not my fault, but it’s also not yours. It’s nobody’s fault. You were always so strong in my eyes, the one that could handle anything. And I guess I didn’t want to admit that there was something wrong with you. It was easier to assume you didn’t want me anymore, that you left because you didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Admitting that you were feeling so sad and…hating yourself so much…that makes me sad. It makes me hate myself for not seeing it. I guess anger is an easier emotion that sadness.” He pulled me closer to him, almost in his lap, but I pushed away, finding myself on the other side of the bed.
I sat with my back to him, allowing the silence of the room to take over. It was all too much to handle. I had just accepted the fact that we were over. I had gone and researched divorce and custody, and all of the things I hadn’t ever thought I’d be looking into. I didn’t think I could handle this. I felt like a yo-yo, flinging back and forth with no purpose other than amusement.
Donnie tugged on my arm, and somehow, between the shuffle, I landed on my back with my head on the pillow. I wasn’t sure how I had ended up that way or why Donnie was leaning over me, staring at me with fire in his eyes, but there I was. And I felt paralyzed to do anything about it.
“I’m sorry, Edie,” he said softly with tears filling his ocean pools. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I placed my hands on his chest to push him away some, but he was a brick wall, unmovable. “Last night really hurt me, Donnie. Really bad. None of this has been easy for any of us involved. Not you, not me, not the kids…not Beth. But last night was the worst. You used me. You fucked me out of anger, and that hurt.”
His head fell, landing on my chest. It felt as if his forehead had broken my bones, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew it only felt that way because my chest had been shattered along with my heart.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, sobbing into my shirt.
I pulled my arms around him, feeling the heat of his bare back as I ran my fingers along his skin. I had so many things I wanted to say to him. I had so many emotions running through me. But I was confused. And sad. And I didn’t know which was up and which way was down. I was spinning, freefalling, and there was no end in sight.
“What does this mean for us, Donnie. Where do we go from here?”
With his face in my shirt, I could feel his hot breath on my chest. It felt as if it went through my chest, breathing life into me. But his shoulders bobbed up and down and I could feel the dampness through my shirt on my skin.
When he finally lifted his face, all I saw was sadness and despair in his eyes. Greif and torment swirled in the depths of blue. I couldn’t fully understand why it was there. I had been the one that left. I was the one that had turned my back on him, yet he looked at me as if it were his fault.
I brought my hands to his face, feeling the prickly sensation of his scruff on the pads of my fingertips. I traced his jawline, moving my fingers in slow strides until I reached his mouth. It took every ounce of courage and strength to drop my fingers, denying myself the feel of his lips. It was one of the things I had missed the most over the years.
“I am so sorry, Edie,” he repeated again.
“Stop saying that. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
He shook his head, keeping his eyes on me. “Yes, there is. I didn’t pay enough attention after the boys were born. If I had, I would have known there was something more happening with you. I didn’t push you hard enough to open up to me. Every time you said you were fine or brushed it off, I didn’t push. I should’ve. Had I known what you were going through after you left, I would have tried harder to go after you. I would have moved heaven and Earth to find you. And to add to it, I have been so hard on you since you came back. I have been so focused on blaming you for the hurt and pain I’ve felt, that I haven’t taken the chance to see the hurt and pain you have been going through. So yes, Edie, I do have a lot to be sorry for.”
I searched his eyes, looking for something to answer my question. “What does this mean for us, Donnie?” I asked again, with more desperation this time. “Where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know…”
“What about Beth? Where does—”
“We broke up, Edie. As Livvy, otherwise known as the mouth of south, has already informed you. She came over the other night and we talked. We aren’t together.”
I shouldn’t have asked, but I needed to know. “Did you break up with her or was it the other way around?” I knew which night it had to be—the one when she was there until two in the morning. The night I had convinced myself that they were passionately making love.
He looked away from me, giving me his answer without words. But then he elaborated. “She was the one who made the final decision. It was her idea. She said I needed to sort through everything.”
I stopped talking; I stopped asking questions, knowing I couldn’t handle more. It was one thing that they had broken up, I wasn’t sure how that made me feel after the last twenty-four or so hours, but knowing it was her decision and not his made it that much worse. He hadn’t been the one to fight for us, she was.
Donnie must’ve seen the look on my face because he let out a sigh, breathing it directly onto my cheek, and then narrowed his eyes on me. “Edie…I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t kn
ow what I’m supposed to be doing or saying… Hell, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to act. All I know is that there are a lot of things we need to talk about. I don’t know if it means we’ll get back together or find some other way to make things work for us and the kids. I just know that so many things could’ve been avoided had we both talked and been honest with each other. Do you think we can do that? Do you think we can try to work things out?”
“But what if we’re honest with each other and it causes a fight that neither one of us can get past? What if I tell you how I’m feeling and you can’t get over it? Then what?”
“The only thing I can’t get over is knowing you’re feeling pain and not telling me about it. I’m sure there are things you will say that will tear me apart, and I know there will be feelings I have that will hurt you. But the only way to find out how to move forward is by letting those things go.”
“Okay… I’ll go first,” I started, feeling my heart pick up speed as the anticipation of it all filled the space between us. “I am hurt that Beth was the one that decided to break things off. It hurts me that it hadn’t been your decision to work things out with your family, but hers. It kind of makes me feel like you don’t really want to work things out…that you were pushed into it.”
“To be completely honest with you, I didn’t want to work things out. I didn’t want to talk to you or give you the chance to make things right. Beth thought we both deserved it and that’s the reason why she made that decision. But I was so angry and hurt by everything that I didn’t care to work things out. Up until earlier today, when I decided to open your diary and read your letters and cards, I had no intention of making things work with you.” His words cut me open, leaving me bleeding out in front of him, but he continued despite the sobs that wrecked my body beneath his. “But I’m glad she did it. I’m glad she was the one to make that call because I never would have. Like I said, I was beyond blinded by pain and anger that I couldn’t see straight. I’m finally starting to get my sight back, Edie. I’m starting to see things better. The pain is still there, but it’s changed. Now, the pain that runs through me is for you. It’s for all of the things you went through without me. And the anger? I’m angry at life for the way things turned out.”
“Would you have ever made the decision to talk with me had she not done it first? I mean, we have children together. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Wouldn’t you want us all under the same roof?” I used questions in order to delay his and I knew it. I knew that once I finished talking about my feelings, I would have to hear his. And as much as I needed to hear how he felt, I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle it. I had already been handed so much over the last week…I didn’t know if I would survive more.
He took a deep breath and shifted his body to my side, leaning his head on his hand to peer down at me as he spoke. “I can’t really answer that because I don’t know the future. But I’m sure that at some point, had Beth not made the decision to back away, I would have learned about everything. At some point, I would have found out about how dark those days were for you and I would have hated myself for giving you more darkness just as you were starting to find your light. I can’t say how long it would have taken me or what would’ve happened once I found out the truth, but I’m sure I would have eventually found out. And by then, it would probably be too late to fix anything.
“And this is where we reach the first fork in our new journey. You can either stay mad at the fact that I wasn’t the one to break things off with Beth and hate me for being a coward, or you can be grateful that the right call had been made—regardless of who made it,” he explained softly, giving me my first ultimatum.
I touched his arm, the one that was wrapped around my midsection and looked him in the eyes. “I choose to be grateful.” It wasn’t a lie. I was grateful that we were finally getting the opportunity to right our wrongs, but I also knew it would take some time to adjust. I had finally accepted the fact that we wouldn’t be together and couldn’t fight off the fears that this new journey we were on would leave us at a dead end. Call it fear or paranoia, or the inability to accept something good happening to me, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that this was only temporary. And it left me with a choice to make: live in the moment and enjoy the temporary time I get with Donnie…or give it all up in order to save myself in the long run.
He smiled at me, but it wasn’t his usual smile. Instead, he kept his lips tightly closed, never revealing his teeth. It was more of a relieved, somewhat hopeful smile than a joyful one. Did he know the same things I did? Was he aware that this moment we were in was only short-term, too? That was a bad sign. If neither of us thought things would work out, then they most certainly never would.
“I know I’ve asked you a hundred times, and I know you’ve told me a hundred and one times that you’re here for good and not leaving again, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare me. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of you taking off again. You left once because things got too hard to handle. What if that happens again?” he admitted, not at all hiding the panic from his eyes.
“That’s a valid fear, Donnie. But you have to realize that I know the other side of that coin. I know what it feels like to be gone. I can still feel the deep pain inside, knowing what it feels like to be alone and not with the ones I love the most. I missed the kids so much that I think it caused me even more pain. I was depressed before I left, unable to manage my emotions or sort through my feelings, but I was in a worse depression with even more unsorted feelings while I was gone. Trust that I can’t do that to myself again.”
“But what if the kids become too much for you, like last time?”
I took a deep breath before answering. “They won’t,” I said, avoiding the argument that tried to fight its way out. I decided not to give into it and take the easy way out instead. “They are great kids, they won’t become too much.”
“They are great for you now, but once they realize you are here to stay, they won’t try as hard.” He must’ve seen confusion on my face because he continued. “They are showing you their good sides right now, much like kids do with babysitters, teachers, and any other person that could leave. It’s what we do. You always know the people you believe to be in your lives permanently because those are the people you show your ugly side to. Those are the ones you know will stick by your side regardless.”
I shook my head vigorously, silencing him. I couldn’t listen to any more. The fight won out, flowing from my tongue with a vengeance. “No, Donnie. That’s not what I’m talking about. I never left because of the kids. Yes, things had gotten to be too much for me to handle…but it was never the kids. They were never the reason I chose to leave. And I hate it that everyone seems to look at me and think that. I know that what I did doesn’t give me the right to be mad at the way people view me, but I can’t help it. Everyone sees me or talks about me and it’s always the same…the mom that ran away from her kids. The woman that couldn’t handle three babies. Well, that’s not the case. That’s not what happened. I was depressed and trying to deal with it on my own. Yes, having three babies at once didn’t help my situation, but when I made the decision to leave, it had absolutely nothing to do with those children. The only part they played in it was about me wanting to give them more. It was about me needing to be a better person for them. So no…even if they turn into tiny little hellions, I still wouldn’t leave. I have three reasons to stay: Livvy, Mikey, and Gavin. As long as they’re here…I’m here.”
“Okay. I get it. I’m sorry for accusing you—”
“Stop fucking apologizing. If we’re going to do this…if we’re going to get through this together, then we can’t keep apologizing for things we can’t change. We have to accept them, accept our faults, accept our part in it all, and just move on. I was the one that led you to that assumption. My actions caused you to feel that way. Do not apologize for it. I’m the one who should be doing that.”
“We
ll, if I can’t apologize then neither can you,” he said in humor with raised eyebrows. “Let’s just keep moving on then. But I do need to know one thing. After everything I did and said over this last week…especially after what I did last night, do you think we can move on?”
I couldn’t believe what I heard. I left this man, alone with three small children, a house, and every responsibility we had once shared together, and he worried that I wouldn’t be able to get over his actions, which were nothing more than a reaction to the pain I had caused. I guess we both needed reassurance and healing.
“Do you love me?” I asked without answering his question. I had asked him that twice already, but he hadn’t really given me an answer. I needed to know how he felt before making any decisions regarding moving forward.
“Do you really need to ask that?”
I nodded, feeling my insecurities taking over. “I need to know if you still love me like before. I need to know that your motivation for moving forward with me—with us—is because of love and not guilt. I know you’re feeling it on some level after reading my journal, you’ve told me so yourself. All I’m asking is if you love me, if you’re still in love with me. I need to know that what I did to you hasn’t ruined the feelings you once felt for me.”
“I realized I was in love with you for the first time when I was fifteen. I had known you all of one week. I knew I was in love with you because for the first time in my life, I wanted to go to school on a Saturday. I had spent that first weekend willing it to go by faster so I could see you Monday morning. That was when I realized you were different. I counted down the hours until I could hear your voice again, until I could see you smile and feel you next to me. It wasn’t just about your looks, it was about the way you made me feel.
“I realized I was going to spend the rest of my life with you that first time we were together. I remember you asking me about ten times if I had a condom because you were scared I’d get you pregnant. Having a baby at fifteen is a scary thought, and I knew I wasn’t ready for that…but just the thought of you having my babies one day did something to me. It gave me something to look forward to.”