by Leddy Harper
I was speechless, not ever guessing those would’ve been his words. I came here, assuming my marriage was over, and he let me sit on the couch and endure it when he could’ve said this from the moment I walked in the front door.
“Why…” I had to pause to clear my throat from the emotions that had filled me. “Why would you let me think this was over? You let me come here, and think I was saying goodbye.”
“It is over, Edie. And you are saying goodbye. We both are. The old us, the last eight years is over. I have to say goodbye to the woman I married, much like you have to say bye to the man you married.”
“So…are we getting divorced?” I needed more clarification. My brain couldn’t seem to comprehend his words.
“Metaphorically. I mean, we’ve signed the papers, we’re selling the house.” He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and ran his top teeth over it, making me take notice of his lips. “I don’t really see the need to make it legal if we don’t have to. I don’t want a life without you in it, Edie. But I want the new you. And every version from here on out. We just have to always remember to keep learning things about each other, to keep talking to each other so that we don’t wake up one day and not recognize the person laying next to us.”
New tears formed in my eyes, but they weren’t from sadness or grief. They were born from happiness, from the excitement of a new beginning, and from a love so deep, so strong, I knew we’d survive anything.
Donnie pulled his other arm from around my back, taking my hand in his. “I thought about getting you new rings. I was actually at the jewelry store looking at some. But then I decided against it.” He held my finger out, poising the rings in front of it, waiting for my permission to put them back on my finger where they’ve always belonged. “We are starting over with the new versions of ourselves, yet we would not be these people without the people we were before. We would not have the love we have for each other if it weren’t for who we were before. And for that reason, I couldn’t get rid of the first symbol of that love. If you want a new one, if you feel that a new ring would make it easier, better, let me know and we’ll go right now, sweatpants and everything.”
I laughed and then watched his eyes twinkle in humor. “I don’t want new rings. Now put them on my damn finger before I do it myself,” I said, and he wasted no time at all listening to me, pushing them past my knuckles until they were exactly where they belonged.
“I love you,” he whispered on my lips, just before pressing them to mine.
“I love you, too, but why did you have to take the kids to your parents’ house for this? Why couldn’t they be here?”
A smile covered his face, all the way to his eyes, stopping my heart and spreading heat throughout my entire body. “Because I was hoping that if you agreed to all of this, I’d get to ravish you on the living room floor.”
“Oh yeah?” My words were nothing but air as his mouth trailed down my neck.
“And then maybe again in the kitchen. And then again on the patio. And then again—”
“Less listing places and more making it happen please.”
His eyes lit right before pulling my shirt over my head.
Things were crazy and chaotic for a while. We sold the house and had everything packed and ready to go the week after Thanksgiving. I stayed home and got everything in order while Donnie worked. My mom came over to help a lot, too, when she wasn’t at work, and that was a big help.
We all came together at Donnie’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner, including my mom. Things between Dorothy and me were good, better than ever before. I don’t know if it had to do with what I’d gone through, or because she finally opened up to me, but we were a lot closer. Maybe it’s because she finally realized just how similar we were. Whatever the reason, it couldn’t have come at a better time. None of it could have. Sitting around the table at Thanksgiving, I had so much to be thankful for, and it had everything to do with the people around me.
It didn’t take us long to find a house. One day to be exact. I wish I could say that it was the neighborhood or the size of the rooms, or even the gorgeous fireplace in the living room that sold it for us, but it wasn’t any of those things. The owners of the house were there when we walked through it, and it was because of them that we bought it. They were an elderly couple, married for sixty-six years. They were high school sweethearts that eloped right after school before he went of into the Army. They had to sell the house because of their age—lived in it as long as they could until they just couldn’t handle the upkeep, even with all the help they hired. They bought the house after starting their family, and had lived in it ever since, raising all four of their boys there. It was an older house, but they kept it modern with updates and repairs. It was perfect. The house, the story, and the legacy. We placed an offer before even leaving the house, and it was accepted on the spot.
We were lucky that they were moving out—into assisted living—at the first of the month, so by the end of the first week of December, we were signing closing papers and moving in. Again, I unpacked and set things up while Donnie worked, and my mom came over to help. I didn’t mind all of the work, because it allowed me to put things where I wanted. When we moved into the old house, Dorothy helped, and pretty much took over it all. But not this time. This time it was exactly the way I wanted.
We spent Christmas in the house, and it was by far the best Christmas I ever had. I may have gone a little overboard on the presents for the kids, but I had my reasons. I had missed two Christmases and two years’ worth of birthdays—I had a lot to make up for. Donnie laughed at me, but he didn’t put up a fight. He knew where my heart was and allowed me that one thing. He gave me a new journal, but there were stipulations to it…I had to write in it every day, and then talk to him when I was done. At first, I worried about that, but quickly squashed that concern when I realized why he’d asked me to do so. We made a pact to always stay honest with each other, and I had no intentions of failing.
At the beginning of January, we started therapy, and it was been the best thing we could’ve ever done. It gave us a place where we both felt safe talking about things, and it offered us the tools to continue it at home between our sessions. We talked a lot about the past, making sure everything was out in the open so we could bury it and never bring it back up. I found out that Donnie never told me about not sleeping with Beth because at first, he wanted to hurt me, and then later he didn’t want to bring it up. I had never directly asked him, and he didn’t know how to mention it in passing. I understood. I didn’t like it, but I understood.
“Let’s talk about work. Edie, you’ve mentioned that you want to start working again, but Donnie thinks you should wait until your children are in school. Give me your thoughts on that,” the therapist said from his chair.
I took in a deep breath and leaned forward in my seat, clasping my hands together in my lap. “I understand where he’s coming from, and I want to be home with them, too. But part of me can’t help but think there’s something bigger out there for me. Like I’ve gone through all of this for a reason and I should use it to my advantage.”
“And what is it you’re thinking about doing?”
“I don’t know. To be honest with you, I’ve just started thinking about it. I kind of want to go to school and maybe get a degree in psychology,” I said, earning a smile from the greying man in front of me. “But then I also think I could be just as much help at a non-profit organization. I’d love to start one, but with the kids being so young, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not to mention, I have no idea where to begin to do that. I just know that I would love to help young mothers going through what I did.”
“Do you think it would’ve helped you if you had something like that when you were facing those problems?” he asked carefully.
I thought about it and sadly shook my head. “No. I don’t think it would have. I wasn’t in a place where I was ready to talk. But I really want to be someone like Jan.” He
knew who Jan was—I’d mentioned her many times before. “She practically knocked down my door and made me talk to her. She knew I didn’t want to, but she didn’t stop until I realized I was the only one keeping me from getting the help I needed. And I’m sure most of us are.”
“‘Us,’ what do you mean by that?”
“Depressed people,” I answered with a shrug. “Um, mothers dealing with post-partum, young people dealing with stress that they don’t understand. I feel like I’m not alone in this. I can’t be the only person that has succumbed to the pressures. I’ve lived through it—I’m still living through it—and I want to use that knowledge to help others that feel they aren’t ready, or that they can’t talk to anyone. Depression doesn’t just go away. Even after working through it, talking it out, dealing with it whichever way you so choose, it doesn’t go away. There’s always that little voice that will find the right moment to speak up, and I think it’s important for people to know how to handle that.”
“Do you still hear that voice?”
“Yes, from time to time. It’s not bad, but there are times I’m out with my kids and I see other mothers with theirs, and I think about how that mom is probably better than me. She probably doesn’t get frustrated like I do at the kids, or she probably feeds them all healthy foods. And”—my eyes began to tear up and my lip quivered—“she probably never abandoned her kids for two years. But I have to remind myself that I’m a different person now, and all mothers get frustrated and need a timeout in the bathtub from time to time. It’s not a bad thing. As long as my kids are happy and healthy, that’s all that matters.”
He smiled at me and wrote something on his legal pad. “I’m so happy to hear you say that, Edie. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times, as long as you can talk about it, and you know that it’s normal.” He turned his attention to the seat next to me. “And you, Donnie, has Edie talked to you about her desire to work?”
“Yes,” he answered and grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently as he looked into my eyes with reassurance. “We’ve talked about it many times. I don’t object to her working. I have nothing against that. I do prefer her to be home with the kids, only because I know next year they’ll all be in school and she’ll look back on this time and wish she had spent it with them. But I will support anything she wants to do.”
“And if in a perfect world, you had your way, what would that look like?”
Donnie glanced my way once again, and his smile grew contagious as I felt my own lips pull up at the corners. “I would like her to spend the rest of this year with the kids, and then in the fall, I’d like to see her start school. She sacrificed a lot when we were first married. She worked so I could go to school, and then she never got that opportunity because of having Livvy. I think it would help her if she went to school, got some level of education so that she could reach more people…help more people. I believe in her, and I know she’ll do great in anything that she sets her mind to.”
“So you fully support her wish to help people?”
“I would support anything she wanted to do,” Donnie said without ever taking his attention from me. “My reasons for wanting her to stay home until fall aren’t selfish. She’s told me plenty of times how she has missed out on so much because she was gone, and I don’t want her to have another reason to feel that way.”
“Do you understand where he’s coming from, Edie?”
“Yes, I understand. I agree with him. It’s just a battle within myself because I know there are people hurting now—today—and I can’t reach them. I want to be with my kids, but I also want to do everything I can to make sure no one else suffers the way I have.”
“You can’t save the world, Edie. You need to understand and accept that. Even when you do set out on your journey to help people or spread awareness, whichever you choose to do, you need to understand you can’t save everyone. There are going to be people that are stuck in their own way, that are beyond your reach, and that’s okay. As long as you know you did everything you could, it’s okay.”
That was a hard pill to choke down. I knew it, it was common sense, but I still didn’t like to hear it. It became clear to me that I wasn’t ready yet. I wanted to help others, sure, but I wasn’t in the right place yet to do so. I needed more time under my belt, more therapy, more education beforehand. The last thing I needed was to crawl back into that dark place because I’d lost someone.
We always left his office feeling better, feeling stronger, and this day was no different. If Donnie and I were together, we held hands. When we sat next to each other, we were always touching. And when we fell asleep at night, we never allowed any space between us.
Starting over proved to be the best thing.
If I had the chance to go back in time and change it all…I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change a thing, because if I did, I wouldn’t have the knowledge, the support, or love that I do now.
We are never given anything we can’t handle.
Sometimes we think we are, but those are the times that count the most. It’s the Mount Everest, and when you’re standing on the top, nothing feels better knowing you’ve achieved it. You made it. You survived.
“Happy anniversary, Edes,” Donnie whispered against my neck, waking me from the best dream.
My cheeks tightened as my smile grew, feeling his facial hair against the ticklish part just above my collarbone. “Happy anniversary, Donnie. What does one get for ten years, anyway?”
“Ten orgasms,” he said gruffly, continuing his trail to my chest.
Just then, our own personal alarm clock sounds on my bedside table.
Donnie groans, his heated breath spreading across my skin. “I woke up early just so we’d have time for this. Go figure. She doesn’t like Daddy taking away her time with Mommy.”
I couldn’t contain my smile. “She’s a smart girl,” I said as I pulled myself from the bed. “Lay back down, I’ll get her fed and changed, maybe she’ll go back to sleep.”
“Yeah right. I highly doubt that.”
I laughed to myself as I left the bedroom and raced down the hall to my princess. Her tiny little feet kicked at the blanket as she wailed relentlessly, shoving her balled-up fists in her mouth.
“Janie, it’s okay, Mommy’s here,” I said as I picked her up from her crib and held her close to me for a moment. I loved the first hug of the morning, even though she screamed through the whole thing.
It was our routine: I’d pick her up, hold her for a minute, and then change her diaper before making a bottle in the kitchen. This time, however, Donnie came in the room with the bottle in his hand as I finished securing the snaps on her pajamas.
“You want to feed her?” I asked him after picking her up from the changing table.
“No. This is your time with her.”
I laughed and shook my head. “I have my time when you’re at work and the kids are at school. Every time is my time.”
“In that case, give her to me.” He sat in the rocker and held his arms out for me to place her in them. She snuggled against his chest and latched on to the bottle immediately.
Janie Hope Leery was only two months old, but neither of us were able to remember life before her. She came as a surprise, a very happy, healthy, wonderful surprise.
After the kids started school the year before, I volunteered my time to a non-profit organization that helped mothers dealing with unplanned pregnancies. I found it through Donnie’s dad—well, his church. They helped women find alternatives to abortion. Sometimes they offered services to allow the mother to keep her baby, or they helped them through the adoption process.
And that’s where Gracie found us. She was sixteen and got pregnant by her boyfriend of four months. She had made an appointment for an abortion, but then backed out at the last minute. Scared and confused, she reached out to the organization for help. I talked to her several times, even shared my own story with her, and as soon as she found out that Donnie and I had been looking into adoptio
n, she planned a meeting with us and a mediator. By the end of that meeting, Gracie told us that she’d made the decision to place her child with us.
And that is how we got Janie.
I learned a lot through my journey. But out of it all, I learned:
Mistakes happen…you learn, you grow, and you teach. There’s no such thing as moving on…you carry on. You live on.
I kissed her on her head and whispered, “I love you bunches and bunches and more and more.”
Leddy’s Notes
This book has by far been the hardest thing I’ve ever written. The idea came to me one day when my kids were being kids—fighting, screaming, tattling—and I felt stressed and rapidly reaching my breaking point. I made a comment to a friend how sometimes I wish I could just drive away. I felt horrible feeling that way, but she let me know that most moms feel that way. And that’s where the plot was born.
As I wrote this, I couldn’t help putting myself in Edie’s shoes. I imagined how my husband would feel if I did that to him. And that broke my heart. Every heartbreaking moment between Edie and Donnie, literally killed me. And then the kids. How forgiving and loving they are. It took me an entire day to write chapter twenty-two, and I spent the entire time crying. So when I say this was the hardest…I mean the HARDEST thing I’ve ever written. I poured my heart, soul, blood, and tears into this. So much so that I almost didn’t want to release it because I felt like it would be putting my soul out there for people to judge. But in the end, I decided that their story needed to be heard. Their struggles needed to be told.