“Forgive me… I… I noticed Edward as we were leaving and…”
He held out his hand.
“Enchanté, I’m Olivier.”
Edward shook his hand without saying a word.
“Edward doesn’t speak French,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t think you’d run into anyone you knew here,” he said in perfect English, smiling.
“Edward’s a photographer and…”
“I lived next door to Diane when she was in Mulranny.”
That’s not how I would have described it. It had been much more than that. And my pounding heart was sending me contradictory signals about what he still meant to me.
“Amazing! And you meet again here; what an incredible coincidence. If I’d known… Diane, do you want to stay now? You have to make up for lost time; you surely have things to tell each other…”
“No,” Edward interrupted. “I have work to do. Delighted to have met you, Olivier.”
Then he looked at me.
“Take care of yourself.”
I panicked when I saw him about to walk away from me.
“Wait!”
I caught him by the arm. He stared at my hand on him. I quickly let go.
“How long will you be here?”
“I’m flying back tomorrow night.”
“Oh… you’re leaving already?… Could you spare a little time for me?”
He wiped his hand down his face.
“I don’t know.”
“Please, come to the bookstore. Please…”
“I don’t see what good that will do,” he muttered.
“We obviously have things to say to each other.”
He held his burnt-out cigarette in the corner of this mouth and stared into my eyes.
“I can’t promise.”
I rifled through my bag for a business card from Happy People.
“The address and a map are on the back. Call me if you can’t find it.”
“I’ll find it.”
He glanced at me one last time, nodded at Olivier, turned and walked quickly away.
“Shall we go?” asked Olivier. “Are we still going to the restaurant?”
“Yes, of course. Nothing’s changed.”
Before going out the door, I turned around. Edward was talking to various people while staring at me the whole time.
Half an hour later, we were sitting in an Indian restaurant. Every bite was torture, but I forced myself for Olivier. His kindness and attention never faltered in spite of what I’d just done to him. He didn’t deserve this. I couldn’t leave him in the dark any longer. But I’d have to be cautious about what I said.
“I’m sorry about what just happened,” I began. “I shouldn’t have left you alone like that… but it was so strange to see someone I knew… I spoiled your surprise.”
“Not at all. You’re shaken up and I don’t like seeing you like this.”
“I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Being back in an Irish atmosphere sent me back to a period in my life that was very confusing.”
“And Edward? Who is he?”
His tone of voice had no suspicion whatsoever.
“He was my neighbor, as he said. I rented the cottage next to his and my landlords were his aunt and uncle, Abby and Jack. Wonderful people… I was friends with his sister Judith, a heterosexual version of Felix.”
“That must be something!”
“She’s amazing.”
“And since you left?”
“I left Ireland on a whim, hurriedly said my goodbyes and never contacted anyone. Now I’m ashamed of how selfish I was.”
“You shouldn’t be,” he said, taking my hand, “They could have gotten in touch with you.”
“They’re not the kind of people to get involved in other people’s lives; they always respected my silence. Nothing changed when I left.”
“Is that why you wanted to see him tomorrow?”
“Yes…”
“He’s not very talkative; do you think you’ll get anything out of him?’
I couldn’t help but laugh at his remark.
“He won’t say much, just what’s strictly necessary, but that’s always better than nothing.”
I sighed and stared at my empty plate.
“Do you want to be alone tonight?”
He looked into my eyes.
“No. Let’s go to your place.”
Once we went to bed, Olivier didn’t try to make love to me; he kissed me and simply held me in his arms. He fell asleep fairly quickly, but I never closed my eyes at all that night. I was reliving every detail of my unexpected encounter. Only a few hours ago, Ireland was a finished chapter in my life, a closed book, and it had to remain that way. If he did come the next day, I’d ask how everyone was, he’d go away again, and I’d get on with my life.
Despite being very careful, I woke Olivier when I got out of bed.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked, sounding sleepy.
“Yes. Go back to sleep. Enjoy your vacation.”
I kissed him.
“I’ll come and see you after work.”
I kissed him again and left.
Forty-five minutes later, I opened the bookstore without having eaten my usual croissant. My stomach was in knots. My regular morning clients must have sensed I was in a bad mood; they left me alone to think in my corner. When I saw Felix coming in around noon, I knew there was going to be a scene. If Edward did actually come, Felix would have a front row seat. And how could I forget that the last time they saw each other they’d had a fistfight!
“You’ve got one of those bad expressions on your face today! What happened? Did Olivier run out of steam?”
He was on the attack. I was going to reply just as aggressively.
“Edward is in Paris. I ran into him last night.”
He collapsed onto the nearest barstool.
“I must still be hallucinating from the X!”
Completely unwillingly, I burst out laughing.
“No, Felix. It’s the absolute truth, and he might be stopping by today.”
Seeing the look on my face, he realized it wasn’t a joke. He stood up, came behind the bar and took me in his arms.
“Are you OK?”
“I don’t know.”
“What about Olivier?”
“I didn’t tell him what happened between us.”
“Did he come because of you?”
“Not really, judging from the greeting I got… He’s exhibiting his photographs and going back tonight.”
“Good. Well, it could have been worse. I’m going to work a full day today. Just so I can watch what happens!”
I burst out laughing.
It was the longest day I ever worked. All I did was wait. Felix watched me out of the corner of his eye and played the fool to relax me. The longer the day dragged on, the more convinced I was that he wouldn’t come. Which, in truth, wouldn’t be so bad. It was dangerous to stir things up again.
I was handing change to a customer when he showed up, a backpack slung over his shoulder. My bookstore suddenly seemed very small; Edward took up the whole room. He shook hands with Felix—who had the good sense not to make any sarcastic joke—sat down at the bar, and observed my world with the greatest attention. Several long minutes passed. His bluish-green eyes took in the books, the glasses, and the photos on the counter. He finally stared straight into my eyes, without saying a word. So many feelings rose to the surface: our fights, the few kisses we shared, my decision, his admission of how he felt, our separation. The tension must have been unbearable to Felix, for he was the first to speak.
“A glass of beer, Edward?”
“Don’t you have anything stronger?” he replied.
“How about a ten-year-old scotch?”
“Neat.”
“Coffee, Diane?”
“That would be great. Thanks, Felix. Could you take care of the customers, if there are any?”
“That’s w
hat I’m paid for!” he replied, winking at me as encouragement.
Edward thanked Felix and knocked back his whiskey. I understood him well enough to know that he could sit there for an hour without saying a word unless I started the conversation. After all, I was the one who’d asked him to come.
“So, you have a show in Paris, just like that?”
“It seemed like a good opportunity.”
He rubbed his weary eyes. Why did he look so tired?
“How are you?”
“I’m working a lot. And you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Good for you.”
What else could I tell him about myself? And how could I get him to talk?
“And Judith? What’s she been up to?”
“Still the same.”
“Is there a man in her life?”
He had to react to such a question.
“Several,” he said, sighing.
Bad choice of question.
“And how are Abby and Jack? Are they well?”
I was sure not to put my foot in my mouth asking about them. But for the first time, he wouldn’t look at me. He stroked his beard, got somewhat agitated, and took his cigarettes out of his pocket.
“What’s going on, Edward?”
“Jack’s fine…”
“And Abby?”
“I’ll be right back.”
He went outside and lit a cigarette. I grabbed one too and joined him.
“You didn’t stop either, I see,” he said, mockingly.
“No reason to… but we weren’t discussing our mutual smoking habit.”
I stood right in front of him.
“Edward, look at me.”
He did. I understood that what I was about to hear wasn’t going to be pleasant.
“Abby? She’s fine, isn’t she?”
It was unimaginable to think the contrary; I could picture her on her bike the first day I met her, so lively in spite of her age.
“She’s sick.”
“But… she’s going to get better?”
“No.”
My hand flew up to cover my mouth. Abby was the heart, the rock of that family, so maternal, so kind, so generous. I remember when she thought I was too thin and practically force-fed me slice after slice of carrot cake. I could still feel her final hug when I said goodbye to her, and how she’d replied “Do keep in touch.” Even though I didn’t realize it at the time, Abby had been a strong influence on my start through the healing process, and I had pushed her away.
I was trying to compose myself when I realized that Olivier was standing next to us. Edward saw that I hadn’t noticed him and turned around. They shook hands and Olivier gave me a discreet little kiss on the lips.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Not really. Edward just gave me some very bad news. Abby is not well at all.”
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said to Edward. “I’ll leave you alone then, it will be easier to talk that way.”
He stroked my cheek, went inside the bookstore, and joined Felix. I watched him go, then turned toward Edward who was staring hard at me. My stomach was in knots, I looked up toward the heavens, breathing hard before being able to speak to him again.
“Tell me more, please…”
He shook his head and remained silent.
“It isn’t possible… I can’t believe what you’ve just…”
“She’ll be happy to know you’re well. She never stopped worrying about you.”
“I want to do something… Can I get in touch with her?”
He gave me a gloomy look.
“I’ll tell her that I saw you; that will be enough.”
He looked at his watch.
“I have to go.”
He opened the door long enough to pick up his backpack and wave goodbye to Felix and Olivier. When he came back, I said.
“I have a question to ask you before you leave.”
“I’m listening.”
“It has nothing to do with Abby, but I need to know. I tried to call you, twice, a few months ago. I even left a message. Did you get it?”
He lit another cigarette and looked straight into my eyes.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you…”
“Diane, there’s been no room for you in my life for a long time now…”
He gave me less than five seconds to take in the blow.
“Olivier seems like a good person. It was right for you to rebuild your life.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then don’t say anything.”
I took a step towards him but stopped myself at the last minute.
“Goodbye, Diane.”
He turned and walked away without giving me a chance to reply. I didn’t take my eyes off of him until he disappeared at the end of the street. I was fighting back the tears. My memories of utopia were shattered. When I thought of Mulranny, nothing ever changed: Abby was happy, Jack strong, Edward alone, with his dog and his photos. How could I have imagined that life wouldn’t go on without me? Was I really so self-centered? But life with Abby sick and dying was unacceptable. I wanted to cry for her, her pain, her loss, for Edward, who wasn’t really the same now, because I realized that my Ireland didn’t exist anymore. It was almost as if, up until now, I had subconsciously lived in the hope that we would all meet again, share good news…
It was over. I had Olivier now, and Edward had a woman in his life. Each of us had turned the page. But Abby… how could I not think about her?
5
Our romantic long weekend away came just at the right moment. Without knowing it, Olivier had made the right decision in deciding to take me to the Mediterranean coast; the sun, warmth, lyrical voices, cool morning dew, and my bathing suit would put everything back into proper perspective.
Those four days were a wonderful escape, and I couldn’t help but grow closer to him. He anticipated all my desires; every one of his actions, his gestures, was gentle; every word he spoke considerate. He wanted me to relax and rest, so much so that we refused to rush around exploring the area. I rediscovered the meaning of the word “vacation,” thanks to long naps I allowed myself to take, and swimming and eating out in restaurants in the evening. We took our time doing nothing, together, and it was good. I almost forgot about the bookstore.
We were leaving the next day. We were having lunch on the terrace when my mind wandered and I wondered if Felix was managing.
“What are thinking about, Diane?”
“Felix,” I replied, laughing.
“Are you worried?”
“A little…”
“Call him.”
“No. I can wait another twenty-four hours.”
“You already deserve a medal for not thinking about it until now! I was really expecting it much sooner. Don’t hesitate because of me.”
“Thanks! I’ll call him from the beach; that will make him furious!”
Olivier burst out laughing.
“I didn’t realize you were a sadist.”
“He loves it; there’s nothing I can do about it… Let’s have another drink!”
An hour later, I was basking in the sun while Olivier had a swim. Like the two days before, he’d made sure to find us a little spot where children couldn’t climb on the rocks, so I wasn’t in danger of getting upset. I could feel my body warming up again, and I liked it, especially the suntan that made my skin glisten; that hadn’t happened since my last family vacation. And one thing made me particularly happy: the complete absence of guilt. Time to celebrate!
“Happy People does fuck-all in July, how can I help you?”
It had been a very long time since I didn’t care about what was happening at Happy People.
“Felix, you should see me! I’m as brown as a berry, slightly tipsy thanks to a nicely chilled bottle of Côtes-de-Provence, and I’m about to join my lover for a swim.”
“Who is this strange woman I’m talking to?”
“So just like that, you start laughing like a madwoman?”
“Yes. And how are you? Is the bookstore still there?”
“I managed to avoid fires, floods, and burglaries, so you could say I’m managing.”
“So all in all, it’s time I got home. I’ll be inspecting the premises as soon as I’m back tomorrow night.”
“It’s good to hear you sounding the way you do. Enjoy every minute you’ve got left.”
“That’s just what I intend to do.”
“I was afraid you’d go back into your shell that after that other guy showed up, and especially after hearing about Abby.”
“Everything’s fine. Olivier’s waving to me so I’ll have to go now.”
I hung up and stuffed my phone into my bag. I fought holding it against Felix for making that last remark. I’d worked hard to put Abby out of my mind and to enjoy Olivier. I had to keep going. I breathed in deeply, took off my sunglasses, and headed for the water. I swam out to him and clung onto his shoulders, my arms around his neck. He smiled and kissed my arm.
“Is everything all right?”
“Let’s not talk about Paris.”
Our last night in the hotel. We’d just made love, tenderly, as always, and I felt afraid. Afraid of losing something after this little vacation, quite simply, fear of losing this feeling of peace. Olivier was spooning me, holding me tight. I absent-mindedly stroked his arm while looking out of the window we’d left open.
“Diane, you’ve been distracted for several hours…”
“No I haven’t.”
“Is there a problem with the bookstore, or Felix?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Tell me what’s worrying you.”
I wanted him to stop! Be quiet! Why was he so considerate, so perceptive? I didn’t want him to be the one to burst our bubble.
“It’s nothing, I promise.”
He sighed and kissed my neck.
“You’re a terrible liar. You’re worried about the woman who was your landlady in Ireland, aren’t you?”
“You’re getting to know me very well… it’s true, I am thinking about her and I just can’t believe it. I’m only starting to realize now how much she did to help me… And to think she’s going to… No, it isn’t possible. I want to do something, but what?”
“Start by calling her. That would be a good first step.”
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 5