When we arrived at the parking lot of Dublin Airport, Edward turned off the engine and neither of us made the slightest move to get out of the car. We sat there for about ten minutes. Then I turned toward him; he was sitting back in his seat, his head leaning backwards, eyes closed, his face tense. I stroked his chin; he looked at me with an intense expression. I saw the same love in his eyes as the night before, but with even greater sadness. He sat up, leaned over to me, and gently kissed me on the lips. That kiss grew more passionate. When he ended it, he took my face in both hands and leaned his forehead against mine. My tears wet his hands. He kissed me hard on the lips.
“We’d better go…”
“Yes… it’s time…”
I could barely walk when I got out of the car. Edward threw my travel bag over his shoulder and took my hand. I held onto it with all my might, pressing my face against his arm. We went inside the terminal. My flight appeared to be on time. We were very early. That was also good; I wanted Edward to be back in time to pick Declan up from school; he shouldn’t be apart from his father for too long. I preferred to check in right away to get rid of my suitcase. Edward never let go of me; the flight attendant looked at us closely.
“Are you traveling together?” she asked.
“If only that were possible…” he muttered softly, a stern look in his eyes.
“No,” I said quietly. “I’m on my own.”
Edward kissed my forehead again; I couldn’t stop crying. The flight attendant glanced at us again and then looked down at the keyboard. In my mind, I thanked her for not wishing me a good trip. We walked away from the counter and I checked the time.
“You should go,” I said to Edward. “I promised Declan you’d be there to pick him up from school…”
Pressed against each other, our fingers entwined, we crossed the departure hall until we got to security. I wanted to throw up, scream, cry. I was afraid of being without him again. But we had come to the point where Edward had to leave me. He held me close and hugged me tight.
“Don’t drive like a maniac when you go back…”
He groaned painfully and kissed me on the forehead. I savored the feeling of that tender gesture, so full of meaning for him… Would I ever find the feeling of belonging to a man like this again?
“Don’t say anything else,” he said, his voice hoarser than ever.
I looked up at him; we shared a deep kiss, full of trembling pleasure and sadness. Our lips were seeking each other, tasting each other, memorizing each other. I clung onto his hair, his neck, stroked his chin; his hands wandered over my back, down my sides. The world around us no longer existed. But we had to separate. I pressed my body against him one last time, my face against his neck; he kissed my hair. Then I felt cold; his arms were no longer around me; he took a few steps back. We looked at each other one last time, promising each other everything, and nothing. I turned quickly around, my passport and ticket in my hand, and got into line. I instinctively looked back: Edward was still there, his hands in his jeans pockets, a stern look in his eyes, a serious expression on his face. Some of the passengers looked at him, afraid. I was the only one who knew he wasn’t dangerous; he’d put his armor back up before their very eyes; he was protecting himself. I lost sight of him now and again through the line of travelers as I moved forward; each time it happened, I was afraid I wouldn’t see him again, that it was the last time, the last second. But he didn’t move. We were already about seven yards apart. I could feel him watching me when I had to empty my pockets, take off my belt, and remove my boots. I happily let the passengers in a hurry go ahead of me. The metal detector would mean it was over. But I had to steel myself to move forward. I stood on tiptoe and saw him once again; he already had a cigarette between his lips, ready to light it once outside. He took a few steps toward me, passing one hand over his face. I broke down and started crying. He saw, walked closer to me, shaking his head, asking me to stop, to be brave.
“Madam, you’re next please.”
Edward froze. In spite of the distance, we looked deep in each other’s eyes.
“Yes, I know,” I said to the security guard.
I went through the metal detector, crying, looking back behind me. Then Edward disappeared. I stood at the end of the conveyer belt in my socks for a long time, my bags getting crushed by the other suitcases piling up, before deciding to stagger to the departure gate. The other passengers looked at me as if I were from Mars. As if seeing someone crying at the airport was something new.
Two hours later, I’d fastened my seat belt. I took out my phone and sent Olivier a text: “On the plane, meet me at the bookstore tonight.” There was nothing else I could to say to him, and that made me sad. I turned off my phone. A few minutes later, the plane took off.
11
At Roissy Airport, I decided to treat myself to a taxi; I had no desire to find myself getting jolted around on public transportation. In the car, I got a text from Judith: “Father and son together again.” That made me feel better for a second.
I paid the fare and went upstairs to my apartment without even glancing at the bookstore or Felix. When I saw the partially packed boxes in my studio, I was ashamed about my hypocrisy towards Olivier. I’d led him to hope he could have a relationship and a life I didn’t believe in. I threw down my travel bag and slammed the door.
I went into my café by the back door, noticed there were a few customers—whom I didn’t greet—and went behind the counter.
“Hi Felix,” was all I said.
I picked up the accounts book and checked the figures for the preceding days. More to do something with my hands than because I was really interested…
“Hello, Felix, how are you? It wasn’t too shitty being all alone? Would it kill you to be nice to me!” Felix moaned.
I shot him my meanest look. He opened his eyes wide.
“What stupid thing did you go and do?”
“Nothing! Leave me the hell alone!”
“You’re not getting away with that!”
“Take the afternoon off,” I countered, “you must be tired!”
“No, I’m not, but you’re sick!”
“Please Felix,” I hissed. “I can’t allow myself to break down now.”
I clung onto the counter, gritted my teeth, and tried to control my breathing.
“OK. I’ll leave… good luck…”
“Tomorrow, Felix… I’ll talk to you tomorrow… I promise.”
“No problem! I know you! You calm down just as fast as you get worked up.”
I had to wait until closing time for Olivier to come. His shoulders were drooping as he pushed open the door. I stayed behind the counter, as if to keep a safe distance. He sat down on a bar stool and leaned on the counter, staring at me. I couldn’t say a word. He looked all around him, to the left, the right, above and below, as if he were trying to memorize the place. I should have remembered how perceptive he was; he’d understood everything.
“Olivier… I can’t pretend any more…”
“I’ve only myself to blame… I wanted to believe in us; I hoped I’d be stronger… Ever since the exhibition, from the very first moment I saw you with him… I’ve refused to face up to reality. And yet, I always felt that he was the one you loved…”
“Forgive me…”
“I don’t want to know what happened between you, or when. What makes me sad is that he doesn’t make you happy…”
“It’s our situation that makes me unhappy, it’s not his fault.”
“His son?”
“The distance.”
He lowered his head.
“If I’d had a child, you wouldn’t have given me a second look…”
He was right.
“I won’t stop… that wouldn’t do any good. I’ll call the real estate agent tomorrow to break the lease…
“I’ll do it…”
“No.”
He stood up, walked to the front door, opened it, and turned around to look at me.
Olivier had been so good for me, taken care of me, been so patient, and I was pushing him away.
“Take care of yourself,” he said.
“You too,” I whispered.
He closed the door behind him and I collapsed on the counter. I was alone again, but I’d been honest with myself and especially with Olivier. At long last. I went around the bookstore putting out the lights and slowly climbed the stairs to my studio. I didn’t even glance at my suitcase or the boxes, I just stretched out on my bed in the dark and stared at the ceiling. In my mind, I relived the past three days, the night spent with Edward, leaving Declan… I was in so much pain. I missed them more than was humanly possible; I felt empty. My studio, which up until now had been my protective bubble, the place where I could take refuge since I first returned from Ireland, now brought me no peace. It was a bit as if I were in transit, staying at some stopping point, before taking a leap into the unknown. I was afraid; this was no longer my home. Everything familiar was shattered.
The next day, I woke up at dawn. I opened Happy People more than an hour early. While drinking my third coffee, I thought about Declan, who must be getting to school, and Edward, who was probably on the beach with his camera, or in his office. How were they? Had they slept? Had Edward managed to hold up? Was he suffering as much as me? Missing me as much as I missed him? And what about Jack? Had Judith gone back to Dublin? Greeting my customers, helping them, smiling at them in spite of everything changed nothing and didn’t chase away those thoughts, the uncertainties rushing around my mind.
Felix was nowhere in sight; I spent a good part of the day alone, observing, feeling the bookstore, thinking about all of them. I did my work like a robot. When I talked to the customers, I felt as if I was hearing someone else’s voice, someone else was answering their questions. I was detached from every move I made, every normal work routine. A distance—a real gulf—had calmly, insidiously, been created. At certain moments, I held onto the counter, as if I were trying to keep my feet on the ground. I wished I had the gift of a psychic so I could mentally make contact with them in Ireland, asking them to remind me of my responsibilities, so they could make me go back to them, entice me again, make me whole again, fill the gap left in me from not being with Edward and Declan. I kept looking at the pictures of Colin and Clara I’d hung up—I called out to them for help, too; I needed answers. And then I thought about Abby; I knew what she’d tell me. I forbid myself from thinking about the future, that future… that impossible future. And yet, it obsessed me, and it was in my hands.
Felix finally showed up at the end of the day. He actually had come at closing time, to get a free aperitif. The customers had all left. That wasn’t such a bad thing; we needed to talk alone. He went behind the bar, poured himself a drink, and glanced over at me. He must have realized that I also needed a pick-me-up and poured a glass for me. Then he leaned against the door, made a silent toast, and watched me as he drank.
“Where did you sleep last night?”
“At my place.”
He tilted his head to one side.
“Ah… and tonight?”
“Still at my place.”
“The move?”
“I’m not moving any more.”
I swallowed a large drink of wine to put on a good face. Then I grabbed my best way to escape—my cigarettes—and went outside to smoke. Felix, as addicted as me, didn’t take long to follow. He leaned against the doorway and sniggered.
“Dammit! I never thought you’d do it…”
Suddenly weary, I leaned my head on his shoulder. I was exhausted by constantly interrogating myself, by the decision that demanded such enormous courage, a decision that made me question my whole life, and most especially worn out by missing Edward and Declan after only twenty-four hours without them.
“Here we are again, all alone,” he continued. “He’s a good guy; you could have been happy with him…”
“I know…”
“Well, I don’t want to say it, but… you really look stupid now!”
I stood up straight and stepped right in front of him. He found something to laugh about! He’d better watch out; I was in a volatile mood.
“And may I ask why I look stupid?”
“You have two guys who love you, one of whom has got right under your skin, and you’re all alone. You’ve lost everything because of this business and it makes no sense at all. What are you going to do now? Mope about in your café? Wait for a third guy to save you from the other two?”
Felix had no idea the reaction he had just provoked. To start with, I owed it to him not to shout; I was suddenly calm, at peace with myself. And then, by saying out loud what I’d been quietly thinking, he’d given me my answer. I wouldn’t lose my family a second time.
“Thanks, Felix, for your advice…”
“But I didn’t give you any!”
“But you did, I promise you… I have a favor to ask you…”
“I’m listening.”
“Can you cover for me tomorrow morning?”
“Fine…” he said quietly, “OK.”
“Thank you!”
When I came out of the real estate agency at noon the next day, I felt slightly dizzy; I’d completed the first stage, the next one would be that afternoon. And if there were no bad surprises, everything would be set in motion the next day. All I’d have to do was wait. I found a bench and collapsed onto it. I would see it through to the end, just as certainly as I’d left for Ireland the first time. I took out my phone and dialed his number. He wouldn’t answer, of course; I could picture him seeing my name on his phone. I didn’t give up and called back, again and again. He answered at my fifth try.
“Diane…”
His hoarse voice made me tremble from head to toe.
“You can’t call me…”
“Edward… I won’t keep you long; I just have something I want to tell you.”
He sighed, and I could hear the sound of his lighter clicking open.
“I’ve just come from a realtor… I put the bookstore up for sale. If you and Declan still want me…”
I was overwhelmed by my emotions. Edward said nothing. I started to get worried.
“Are you there?”
“Yes… but… that city… it’s your husband and your daughter… you…”
“No… it’s not them. I carry them within me. And now, there’s you and Declan. What’s happening to us is so rare… I refuse to spend my life without you two; you wouldn’t be uprooting Declan… Neither of you would be happy living in Paris, but I would be happy living in Mulranny…”
“Diane… I can’t let myself believe that…”
“But you can believe it. You and me, and Declan too, it’s no longer a dream. I’ll never be your son’s mother, but I will be the woman who supports his father in raising him, and I’ll give him all the love I can… And I’ll be your wife… That could be our life, if you still want it…”
Several long seconds passed. Then I heard him take a deep breath.
“How could you even doubt it?”
Half an hour later, I walked through the door to Happy People, making its little bell ring. Felix was gabbing with some of the customers. His world was about to collapse. I went over to him, gave him a peck on the cheek, and poured myself a coffee.
“We need to talk,” I said, without mincing my words.
“If I weren’t gay, I’d think she was going to break up with me…”
Everyone burst out laughing, except me. He wasn’t far off the truth.
“We’ll leave you two alone!” the customers said, still laughing hysterically.
“OK, what’s happening?” he asked when we were alone.
I looked straight at him.
“Two realtors are coming here this afternoon…”
“Yeah, so what?”
“They’re coming to do a valuation on the bookstore.”
He shook his head, opened his eyes wide, and banged his fist on the counter.
> “You’re selling?”
“Yes.”
“I won’t let you!” he shouted.
“What?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I lost my family; I couldn’t do a thing about it; it took time to accept that Colin and Clara would never come back. I’m not going to lose my family a second time. Edward and Declan are alive, they’re my family, I feel at home in Mulranny, with Jack and Judith too…”
“And what about me?”
He was hysterical.
“What about me?” he continued. “I thought I was your family!”
I saw a few tears roll down his cheeks; mine were streaming down my face.
“You are and always will be my family, Felix… But I love Edward and I can’t live without him… Come and live in Ireland with me!”
“Are you an idiot or something? You think I’d want to be the third wheel or the babysitter!”
“No, of course not,” I replied looking down.
He walked away, picked up his coat, and lit a cigarette inside. I followed him, panicking.
“What are you doing Felix?”
“I’m out of here! I don’t want to be here when… And I have to find a job; I’m going to have to collect unemployment because of you.”
He’d already opened the door.
“No, Felix, you won’t lose your job. I’ve asked the buyer to keep you.”
“Yes, like the furniture!”
He slammed the door; it shook so hard I thought the window might shatter, then he ran down the street. The sound of the little bell echoed for a long time. For the first time, I had a feeling of impending doom. The violence of his reaction froze me to the spot.
But I didn’t have time to dwell on Felix and his sadness, and even less on my own. The vultures from the real estate agencies showed up, one after the other. I watched them coldly dissect my café, answering their questions coolly and impartially. From now on, it was impossible for me to feel any emotion towards the bookstore, which soon would no longer be my bookstore. I had to get used to it, for the next day I would go and sign the seller’s documents. No sign of Felix all day. I flooded his phone with texts and messages but nothing worked: not my apologies, not my threats to never see him again, not my sobbing. Once again, I had the impression I was becoming an adult, growing up. Every decision implied losses, leaving little pieces of my life behind. Nothing in the world would make me want to do without Felix’s friendship; he was the brother I never had, my partner, my confidant, and my twin; my savior in my darkest hours… but I loved Edward more. In the same way, I would have given up Felix for Colin; and he knew that deep down. I hoped he would come to understand. Calling Edward at ten o’clock that night saved me from falling into a deep depression. While talking to him, I slipped into bed, wrapped myself in my blanket, and imagined up our future together. He was less expressive than me—I knew him—and I could tell he was still holding back, finding it difficult to let himself go. My decision was still abstract to him, hundreds of miles from Paris. He explained that he’d rather wait before talking to Declan about it—I understood. And of course, we were both conscious of the fact that it could take some time before I got that one-way flight.
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 17