He dropped the bag by the door and went back into the living room and sat down on the sofa and took another cigarette from the pack and lit up and sat smoking it slowly to the end while waiting, and it wasn’t that he had changed his mind, but more that he felt relieved and no longer pushed for time. Sandem was on the late shift, so he was probably sleeping now, after the game and a couple of beers, and they wouldn’t run into each other on the stairs.
This time he coughed a little, but that was all right. He went into the kitchen, and there he washed the ashtray and placed it on the drainer to dry, and he took the cigarette ends with him on to the balcony and with his index finger he pressed both of them down into the window box and covered the hole over with soil. There hadn’t been a flower in the box for years, so there was no harm done.
On his way out of the door to the stairs he stopped and dropped the bag on the floor, and he thought, Christ, it’s the same thing every time, and hurried back through the hall to the kitchen to make sure all the hotplates on the stove were off and the oven was off, which they all were, but then he lost his composure and concentration too, and he stood leaning against the door frame, breathing in as deeply as he could, and holding his breath he counted to fifteen, sixteen, seventeen and holding it longer up to eighteen, nineteen, before slowly letting it out, and it made him feel so wonderfully hazy, like after the first beer in a café. He did it once again, and he felt calmer, and as he went down the steps to the garages he had to smile for a moment.
He opened the car door and put his reefer jacket on the passenger seat, and he stowed the bag in the boot, and of course he could have made it simple and tossed it on to the back seat, but why have the smell inside the car just because it was the last time.
And if you came flying through the night, quite still, like in a dream, like Peter Pan, and not as in a helicopter, rising with the wind along the hillside from the valley below at a good height above the woods and soar over the ridge to the east by the slalom slope, it would be easy for you to spot Jim driving down through the bends to Lillestrøm, and there wasn’t much traffic at this hour, so you couldn’t miss his car pushing a shining, yellow and white segment of light in front of it, and then again you wouldn’t really be able to see the car from where you were gliding, like an angel, just this illuminated segment moving without haste, with no visible source for the light. Right at the bottom, where the river ran into the lake, before the station with the car parks, Jim unexpectedly turned off from the Lifeline and instead drove through Lillestrøm to Fetsund over the wide plain with the river Leira flowing across it and on over the high bridge with the river Glomma far below and the old collection station for timber at the bank down to the right, and to the left the beautiful old cast-iron railway bridge, which also crossed the Glomma, and none of this you could see now, but Jim knew it was all there.
He turned south and drove all the way along Lake Øyeren, and it wasn’t especially late yet, or especially early, there was enough time to take a longer route than he normally did to get to Oslo and the fjord, and so he could sit in the dark of the car that was humming quietly through the night. But after more than an hour on the E18 it was suddenly later than he had planned. That made him restless. He switched on the radio. There was classical music on, a Beethoven string quartet, or so he thought, and it might have been nice listening, but right now it was what his mother would’ve called enervating. So he switched it off again. I am going to be late, he thought, it will soon be half-past five, and then he thought, Christ, late for what. You will get there soon enough, where you are going. And it was still dark, and after half an hour on the smaller roads he preferred, he finally came from Hauketo by the railway line and then a bit further on by the overhang towards Herregårdsveien. Just before Ljan station he turned off to the left over the railway bridge, the lights were red, but there was no one else around, so he turned anyway. When he was on the other side and further down the road, past the shop there they called Karusellen, no one plunged out of the dark into the headlights of his car, on the contrary, both sides of the road were quiet, nothing stirred, apart from two headlights on the way up towards him, and Jim was calm now and his breathing measured and fine, and he passed the other car very easily and drove down to Mosseveien and turned right at the bottom, towards Oslo and the white bridge, and he thought, I will get there soon enough, where I am going.
IV
SIRI ⋅ 2003
I REALLY HAVE to tell you this.
I was going to Afghanistan for Save the Children. I had travelled on their behalf for some years and had worked among families in the remotest places and parents with one foot in the Middle Ages, with schools and sick children, and now everything was packed and ready. I had been to Afghanistan twice before and knew exactly what I needed to take and what was not such a good idea and therefore left at home, certain books, certain clothes, jewellery with certain symbols, a number of women’s things I won’t list here, but for professional and personal reasons I went to Singapore first, where I knew a man, that is, he was in that city at that particular time. He was Norwegian, he was a journalist, we had been together for a while some years ago. It had been nice, we both got a lot out of it, and after we had put the romantic part behind us and gone our separate ways, there was no bitterness between us. It was simply that I didn’t have the talent to share my life with anyone, and his talent for sharing his life with me wasn’t up to much, either. But when we met we shared a bed. And we met in various places in the world, after all he travelled, and so did I. The first time we met was in Sarajevo in the mid-Nineties, but not in Pristina a short time afterwards. And once we met in Libya, in Benghazi of all places, I don’t recall what he was doing there, what he was writing about, and we also met while he was married. She was from Geneva, he told me, and was a journalist too, but that never bothered me, neither the thought of the woman he was cheating on, nor the fact that he belonged to someone else. He was kind and clever and he was good at many things, I have to say, and I didn’t know anyone who could kiss like he did. I was a bit finicky about this. Ha ha.
But I didn’t go to Singapore on a caprice just to see this man. He wasn’t that important to me any more. If I had, it would have been an expensive caprice, and I didn’t have that kind of money.
What I also had to do in Singapore was supervise a large consignment of school materials and medical equipment which had arrived by ship and was going by air to Kabul. The little airline had suddenly got cold feet and didn’t want to fly to Kabul after all, they were worried someone might get it into their head to shoot down their plane. It was clear to me that they were more worried about losing their plane than losing their crew, because the crew was never mentioned. This was late winter in, not long before the shameful invasion of Iraq, but I can say hand on heart that in those days flying to Afghanistan was not dangerous. We had a constructive dialogue with several parties and we had a good overview of the situation. But what I said or thought made no difference to them and so I had to find another airline to accept the commission. It took time, but I succeeded. I had to run all over the place with papers and forms waving my Norwegian passport. But the real problem was that the first airline had just unloaded the cargo halfway between here and there, and now it was in three different places and knee deep in logistical quicksand. So it was my job to talk nicely to all the authorities, to get it all into one place and make sure that nothing disappeared or fell off the back of a lorry, and then assist the small airline, which, sorry to say, was a little uncoordinated, and then get it airborne as quickly as possible and follow on after all the loose ends had been tied up.
My friend was happy to see me. We had a few fine days together while I was waiting for the bureaucratic mill to stop grinding, but then he had to leave for Thailand and its border with Burma, where things were happening. Nothing came of it, I learned later, because what was about to happen, didn’t happen.
We parted with a smile. I gave him a kiss. You’re sweet, I said. He laug
hed and shook his head. But he was sweet.
And then I was alone in the big city. And I felt a sudden weariness inside, a reluctance to speak English and nothing else for a long time to come, to enter into all that, to adapt, and I decided to go up to the Norwegian Seamen’s Church. It was at the summit of the steepest hill in Singapore with a view of the container harbour, which was one of the biggest in the world, or so I had read. That fits, I thought, considering why I was here. In fact, the first thing that struck me was that down there anything could be lost and gone for ever.
They served me coffee and waffles at the church. I hadn’t eaten waffles since Tommy and I found my mother’s old waffle iron at the bottom of the kitchen cupboard, and from memory we stirred the mixture in a green bowl, from Tommy’s memory, that is, and when he closed his eyes and set his mind to it, he could see our mother moving her hands: this way, that way, beat the eggs, add the sugar, whip it all with a whisk and put in flour. We made the waffles for the twins so they would smell the wonderful aroma coming from the kitchen and feel happy and sleepy and safe in the house. Tommy and I had talked about it and we agreed that waffles and safety were two sides of the same coin, and we struggled a little, I can remember, for we forgot to grease the iron first, and the waffles we ended up with were so few the two of us had to be content with one waffle heart each and let the twins have the rest. That took some willpower after all the effort.
Two days later the police sergeant came and took us away.
He was a very nice priest. He wasn’t old. I introduced myself and then my waffles came, and we sat talking over coffee. He was eager and asked me many questions, and I told him about my work, about what I had seen, about the places I’d been sent to, which would often be trouble spots, and that was of course the point, that someone had to go there. That’s the way it was. Someone had to go. He said I showed Christian spirit, and I just smiled and tried to explain to him that Christian spirit had very little to do with it. But there was no point really, I didn’t know him, and I wasn’t going to put my life in the hands of someone I didn’t know, however nice that person was.
‘Berggren,’ he said. ‘That reminds me of something. There was a Berggren here. It was before my time, I’m not quite sure when, and I only remember because not long ago I had to go through a lot of things that people had left here, things they had forgotten or left on purpose, it’s not always easy to say which. Anyway, we have a box with a few possessions belonging to someone called Berggren.’
‘But there are so many people called Berggren in Norway,’ I said. ‘And in Sweden. And some of them them must have gone to sea.’
‘You’re right, of course. But this was an elderly woman. I’m not sure if she was still working on board a ship or had simply ended up here in Singapore. But she had an unusual first name: Tya, she was called. Tya Berggren. That’s why I remembered. Because of the name.’
I didn’t know what to say.
‘She came here,’ the priest said, ‘she was feeling unwell. Those who ran the church at the time had her admitted to hospital. Where sadly she died. It doesn’t say what was wrong with her. She had no address in Norway. And no next of kin were ever found.’
I still said nothing. And then I said:
‘My mother’s name was Tya Berggren.’
‘Was it. Did she go to sea.’
‘I have no idea,’ I said.
‘I see,’ he said. And then he said: ‘Please stay.’ He got up and walked across the room and out through a door at the other end, and through that door he returned with a shoebox under his arm. I looked out of the window. It was much too hot. In fact, it was unbearable. All the colours. There were too many of them. The hot metal of the containers made the air shimmer. You couldn’t touch it. It was tiring, oppressive. All the cranes sticking up. I suddenly longed for Kabul. Where it was early spring and barely that, it was high up, near the Hindu Kush, near the roof of the world, and cold.
He placed the box on the table.
‘Shall we have a look.’
‘It can’t hurt, I suppose,’ I said.
He opened the box and took out what was in it and put it on the table, object after object, there were strangely few.And I thought, in English, actually, how strange, I thought, I would have expected more.
‘That wasn’t much,’ the priest said.
‘No, it wasn’t,’ I said.
‘Is there anything you recognise.’
I spread the objects over the table. Keys, a wristwatch, some really beautiful jewels, a folded newspaper cutting with a photo of a man holding a football in his gloved hands, some money, dollar bills, quite a bundle in fact, and headed paper with the logo of various shipping lines. None of them Norwegian. But her name was on them. And that was Norwegian. There was a passport, it wasn’t Norwegian. I opened it and looked at the photograph, at her face. I couldn’t say. I didn’t recognise it. But then I wasn’t so sure. It made me feel uncomfortable.
‘No,’ I said, ‘but that’s not so strange. I can hardly remember my mother. I was so small when she left us. This is an elderly lady. It probably isn’t her.’
‘No, it might well not be,’ he said. ‘But what about these, then,’ he said, taking some small framed pictures from the bottom of the box, there were three of them, and he turned them and laid them out on the table in front of me. I leaned forward. It was like a shock to my stomach. In one photo there was a boy, he was maybe thirteen years old, not more, and in another there was a girl, about two years younger, and in the last there were two small girls, they were obviously twins, they both had plaits with the same ribbons, only the colours were different, and I held the photos in my hand one after the other and studied them carefully, and I thought: they’re not us. Everything fitted. But they were not us. They didn’t even look like us. And then I saw that the pictures weren’t proper photographs, they’d been cut out of a glossy magazine, and not even the same magazine because the paper quality was not the same, and I thought, am I supposed to get upset now, over this. Is that what’s happening. I hadn’t been upset for a long time. Why should I be upset. But I wasn’t upset. I was confused, and then something more, maybe, than confused. I must ring Tommy, I thought, and tell him about this. But what would I say. That I had found three pictures of some children who weren’t us in a shoebox in the Norwegian Seamen’s Church in Singapore.
‘No. I don’t know who those children are,’ I said.
And that, at least, was true.
‘It was worth a try,’ the priest said.
‘Yes, it was.’
As I was leaving I took the priest’s hand and thanked him for the waffles, they were so good, I said, I haven’t had waffles since I was a child, and then he said, waffles and children are of God’s kingdom. It was a strange thing to say, but funny too, in a nice way, he was a nice priest, I thought, with a Christian spirit, and don’t get lost now on the way to Kabul, he said, and good luck with your work, and so I gave him a really big hug, and then he blushed. He was a handsome man with dark curls, at least fifteen years younger than me. But he laughed too, proudly almost. I can’t very well kiss him, I thought.
I walked down the hill from the church, which didn’t look like a church at all as I turned and waved, but more Asian somehow, there was something Buddhist about the roof, and I was still in a state of confusion at what I had seen inside, but also happy. Yes, that was it. I felt happy.
Only three days later I was up in the air.
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Epub ISBN: 9781448181124
Version
1.0
www.randomhouse.co.uk
Published by Harvill Secker 2014
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Copyright © Forlaget Oktober, Oslo 2012
English translation copyright © Don Bartlett 2014
Per Petterson has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work
First published with the title Jeg nekter in 2012
by Forlaget Oktober, Oslo
First published in Great Britain in 2014 by
HARVILL SECKER
Random House
20 Vauxhall Bridge Road
London SW1V 2SA
www.vintage-books.co.uk
Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/offices.htm
The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
I Refuse Page 21