CHAPTER XXVII
A CUPBOARD FULL OF RYE
Doctor Barnes came to me at the news stand the next morning beforegymnasium.
"Well," he said, "you look as busy as a dog with fleas. Have you heardthe glad tidings?"
"What?" I asked without much spirit. "I've heard considerable tidingslately, and not much of it has cheered me up any."
He leaned over and ran his fingers up through his hair.
"You know, Miss Minnie," he said, "somebody ought kindly to kill ourfriend Thoburn, or he'll come to a bad end."
"Shall I do it, or will you?" I said, filling up the chewing-gum jar.(Mr. Pierce had taken away the candy case.)
Doctor Barnes glanced around to see if there was any one near, andleaned farther over.
"The cupboard isn't empty now!" he said. "Not for nothing did I spendpart of the night in the Dicky-bird's nest! By the way, did you everhear that touching story about little Sally walking up and laying anegg?--I see you have. What do you think is in the cupboard?"
"I know about it," I said shortly. "Liquor--in a case labeled'Books--breakable.'"
"'Sing a song of sixpence, a cupboard full of rye!'" he said. "Almosta goal! But not ONLY liquors, my little friend. Champagne--cases ofit--caviar, canned grouse with truffles, lobster, cheeses, fine cigars,everything you could think of, erotic, exotic and narcotic. An orgy incans and bottles, a bacchanalian revel: a cupboard full of indigestion,joy, forgetfulness and katzenjammer. Oh, my suffering palate, to have toleave it all without one sniff, one sip, one nibble!"
"He's wasting his money," I said. "They're all crazy about the simplelife."
He looked around and, seeing no one in the lobby, reached over and tookone of my hands.
"Strange," he said, looking at it. "No webs, and yet it's been anamphibious little creature most of its life. My dear girl, ourfriend Thoburn is a rascal, but he is also a student of mankind and aphilosopher. Gee," he said, "think of a woman fighting her way alonethrough the world with a bit of a fist like that!"
I jerked my hand away.
"It's like this, my dear," he said. "Human nature's a curious thing.It's human nature, for instance, for me to be crazy about you, whenyou're as hands-offish as a curly porcupine. And it is human nature, bythe same token, to like to be bullied, especially about health, and torespect and admire the fellow who does the bullying. That's why we werecrazy about Roosevelt, and that's why Pierce is trailing his kinglyrobes over them while they lie on their faces and eat dirt--and stewedfruit."
He reached for my hand again, but I put it behind me.
"But alas," he said, "there is another side to human nature, andour friend Thoburn has not kept a summer hotel for nothing. It isnotoriously weak, especially as to stomach. You may feed 'em prunes andwhole-wheat bread and apple sauce, and after a while they'll forgetthe fat days, and remember only the lean and hungry ones. But let somestudent of human nature at the proper moment introduce just one fat day,one feast, one revel--"
"Talk English," I said sharply.
"Don't break in on my flights of fancy," he objected. "If you want thetruth, Thoburn is going to have a party--a forbidden feast. He's goingto rouse again the sleeping dogs of appetite, and send them raveningback to the Plaza, to Sherry's and Del's and the little Italianrestaurants on Sixth Avenue. He's going to take them up on a highmountain and show them the wines and delicatessen of the earth, andthen ask them if they're going to be bullied into eating boiled beef andcabbage."
"Then I don't care how soon he does it," I said despondently. "I'drather die quickly than by inches."
"Die!" he said. "Not a bit of it. Remember, our friend Pierce is alsoa student of human nature. He's thinking it out now in the cold plunge,and I miss my guess if Thoburn's sky-rocket hasn't got a stick that'llcome back and hit him on the head."
He had been playing with one of the chewing-gum jars, and when he hadgone I shoved it back into its place. It was by the merest chance that Iglanced at it, and I saw that he had slipped a small white box inside. Iknew I was being a silly old fool, but my heart beat fast when I tookit out and looked at it. On the lid was written "For a good girl," andinside lay the red puffs from Mrs. Yost's window down in Finleyville.Just under them was an envelope. I could scarcely see to open it.
"Dearest Minnie," the note inside said, "I had them matched to my ownthatch, and I think they'll match yours. And since, in the words ofthe great Herbert Spencer, things that match the same thing match eachother--! What do you say?--Barnes."
"P. S.--I love you. I feel like a damn fool saying it, but heaven knowsit's true."
"P. P. S.--Still love you. It's easier the second time."
"N. B.--I love you--got the habit now and can't stop writing it.--B."
Well, I had to keep calm and attend to business, but I was seethinginside like a Seidlitz powder. Every few minutes I'd reread the letterunder the edge of the stand, and the more I read it the more excitedI got. When a woman's gone past thirty before she gets her firstlove-letter, she isn't sure whether to thank providence or the man, butshe's pretty sure to make a fool of herself.
Thoburn came to the news stand on his way out with the ice-cutting gangto the pond.
"Last call to the dining-car, Minnie," he said. "'Will you--won'tyou--will you--won't you--will you join the dance?'"
"I haven't any reason for changing my plans," I retorted. "I promisedthe old doctor to stick by the place, and I'm sticking."
"As the man said when he sat down on the flypaper. You're going by yourheart, Minnie, and not by your head, and in this toss, heads win."
But with my new puffs on the back of my head, and my letter in mypocket, I wasn't easy to discourage. Thoburn shouldered his pick and,headed by Doctor Barnes, the ice-cutters started out in single file.As they passed the news stand Doctor Barnes glanced at me, and my heartalmost stopped.
"Do they--is it a match?" he asked, with his eyes on mine.
I couldn't speak, but I nodded "yes," and all that afternoon I couldsee the wonderful smile that lit up his face as he went out. It made himalmost good-looking. Oh, there's nothing like love, especially if you'vewaited long enough to be hungry for it, and not spoiled your taste forit by a bite here and a piece of a heart there, beforehand, so to speak.
Miss Cobb stopped at the news stand on her way to the gymnasium. Shewas a homely woman at any time, and in her bloomers she looked like asoup-bone. Under ordinary circumstances she'd have seen the puffs fromthe staircase and have asked what they cost and told me they didn'tmatch, in one breath. But she had something else on her mind. She paddedover to the counter in her gym shoes, and for once she'd forgotten herlegs.
"May I speak to you, Minnie?" she asked.
"You mostly do," I said. "There isn't a new rule about speaking, isthere?"
"This is important, Minnie," she said, rolling her eyes around as shealways did when she was excited. "I'm in such a state of ex--I see youbought the puffs! Perhaps you will lend them to me if we arrange for acountry dance."
"They don't match," I objected. "They--they wouldn't look natural, MissCobb."
"They don't look natural on you, either. Do you suppose anybody believesthat the Lord sent you hair in seventeen rows of pipes, so that, red asit is, it looks like an instantaneous water-heater?"
"I'm not lending them," I said firmly. It would have been like lendingan engagement ring, to my mind. Miss Cobb was not offended. She went atonce to what had brought her, and bent over the counter.
"Where's the Summers woman?" she asked.
"In the gym. She's made herself a new gym suit out of her polka dottedsilk, and she looks lovely."
"Humph!" retorted Miss Cobb. "Minnie, you love Miss Jennings almost likea daughter, don't you?"
"Like a sister, Miss Cobb," I said. "I'm not feeble yet."
"Well, you wouldn't want to see her deceived."
"I wouldn't have it," I answered.
"Then what do you call this?" She put a small package on the counter,and stared at me o
ver it. "There's treachery here, black treachery." Shepointed one long thin forefinger at the bundle.
"What is it? A bomb?" I asked, stepping back. More than once it hadoccurred to me that having royalty around sometimes meant dynamite. MissCobb showed her teeth.
"Yes, a bomb," she said. "Minnie, since that creature took my lettersand my er--protectors, I have suspected her. Now listen. Yesterday Iwent over the letters and I missed one that beautiful one in verse,beginning, 'Oh, creature of the slender form and face!' Minnie, it haddisappeared--melted away."
"I'm not surprised," I said.
"And so, last night, when the Summers woman was out, goodness knowswhere, Blanche Moody and I went through her room. We did not find myprecious missive from Mr. Jones, but we did find these, Minnie, tiedaround with a pink silk stocking."
"Heavens!" I said, mockingly. "Not a pink silk!"
"Pink," she repeated solemnly. "Minnie, I have felt it all along. Mr.Oskar von Inwald is the prince himself."
"No!"
"Yes. And more than that, he is making desperate love to Miss Summers.Three of those letters were written in one day! Why, even Mr. Jones--"
"The wretch!" I cried. I was suddenly savage. I wanted to take Mr. vonInwald by the throat and choke him until his lying tongue was black, toput the letters where Miss Patty could never see them. I wanted--I hadto stop to sell Senator Biggs some chewing-gum, and when he had gone,Miss Cobb was reaching out for the bundle. I snatched it from her.
"Give me those letters instantly," she cried shrilly. But I marched frombehind the counter and over to the fireplace.
"Never," I said, and put the package on the log. When they were safelyblazing, I turned and looked at Miss Cobb.
"I'd put my hand right beside those letters to save Miss Patty aheartache," I said, "and you know it."
"You're a fool." She was raging. "You'll let her marry him and have theheartaches afterward."
"She won't marry him," I snapped, and walked away with my chin up,leaving her staring.
But I wasn't so sure as I pretended to be. Mr. von Inwald and Mr.Jennings had been closeted together most of the morning, and Mr. vonInwald was whistling as he started out for the military walk. It seemedas if the very thing that had given Mr. Pierce his chance to make goodhad improved Mr. Jennings' disposition enough to remove the last barrierto Miss Jennings' wedding with somebody else.
Well, what's one man's meat is another man's poison.
Where There's a Will Page 27