by Hannah Ellis
“Can I wake him?”
“Leave him a while. You hungry?” I grabbed the chocolate cereal from the cupboard and shook it into a bowl while she grinned her approval. “What do you want to do today?” I asked, sitting opposite her to drink my coffee.
“Can we go swimming?”
“I guess so.”
“You always want to go swimming,” Hailey commented, strolling in through the back door.
“I like swimming,” Emily said.
“I’m not going,” Hailey said. I ignored her, certain she was just trying to get a rise out of me.
“Good,” Emily said, munching her cereal. “I can just go with Lucy.”
Adam stretched his neck and arms as he came in, looking sleep-deprived and crumpled. “Where you going?”
“Swimming,” Emily told him. “But Hailey doesn’t want to go.”
“She can stay with me, then.” Adam got himself a coffee and came to sit with us.
“Do you want some breakfast?” I asked him.
“These look good.” He smiled at Emily and picked up the packet of chocolate cereal.
“You want some, Hailey?” I asked.
“I’ll have muesli,” she replied, getting the box from the cupboard while I directed my amusement into my coffee.
“I’ll take Emily swimming this morning and nip to the toy shop for a present for the twins,” I said. “You’ve not forgotten we’re going over for cake tomorrow, have you?”
My half-brothers were turning eight and I’d opted out of going to their party in favour of a quiet family get-together the following day. I didn’t think Hailey would appreciate a bowling party with rowdy boys two years younger than her.
“Do I have to go too?” Hailey asked.
“Yes, we’re all going,” I told her.
“Oh, great,” she said, oozing sarcasm, pushing her muesli aside and leaving the table.
“Can you put your bowl in the dishwasher?” I raised my voice but she hurried up the stairs and ignored me.
“Pick your battles,” Adam said, standing to clear the table.
“Let’s get dressed and get our swimming things,” I said to Emily, taking her hand when she got up from the table.
“See you later,” I called when we left the house ten minutes later. Adam shouted ‘bye’ from the living room and Hailey was no doubt waiting for me to leave before she came out of her room. She’d enjoy the time with Adam: she doted on him and was always vying for his attention.
“I don’t think Hailey likes me,” Emily said as we pulled out of the driveway.
“You and me both,” I muttered under my breath.
“What?”
“Of course she likes you. But she’s your big sister and sometimes big sisters can be mean. She loves you really.”
“I don’t like her,” she stated.
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t. She’s always mean.”
I decided a change of subject was in order. “Are you going to jump in at the deep end today?”
“Yes!” She grinned at me and I caught her eye in the rear-view mirror. She’d been scared of jumping into the water until recently. We’d spent a lot of time practising, moving from the shallow end, and gradually getting deeper until she was more confident.
“I bet you’ll be the best in your swimming class soon.”
She went swimming once a fortnight with school and she’d hated it at first but seemed fairly relaxed about it now.
“Billy’s the best,” she told me. “But I might be as good as him soon.”
The public swimming pool was in Brinkwell, a small town a fifteen-minute drive from our village. We spent an hour in the water, which wasn’t nearly warm enough for my liking, and then I coaxed Emily away with a promise of chips for lunch. We had a walk around Brinkwell and spent too long in the toy shop choosing presents for Max and Jacob. Emily begged me for everything she saw. I finally relented and bought her a cheap plastic jewellery set consisting of a sparkly silver tiara with matching necklace and ring. She insisted on wearing it all immediately and I walked to the café with my little princess swinging on my arm.
I called Adam and told him we were eating lunch out and he should find something for himself and Hailey. He said they were watching TV and Hailey was making him watch some show about high-school girls who were secretly mermaids. I knew it well.
“I’m a real princess now,” Emily said when I ended the call. I looked over to see her adjusting her tiara across the table from me.
“Yes, you are!”
“What do princesses eat for lunch?”
“Whatever they want,” I said.
“Sausages and chips?”
“Definitely,” I assured her.
“I thought so!”
Emily chatted incessantly on the drive home and made me turn the volume up when a song she liked came on the radio. I glanced at her in the mirror and smiled when she tried to sing along to the music, though she clearly didn’t know all the words.
Pulling up in the driveway, I took a deep breath before following Emily inside the house.
“We’re home!” I called, peering into the living room to be met with a glare from Hailey. Adam was asleep on the couch beside her.
“What’s on?” I asked.
Hailey fixed her focus on the TV. “Mermaid High.”
Still? No wonder Adam was asleep.
“I don’t like it,” Emily said.
“Don’t watch it then,” Hailey snapped at her.
Emily looked up at me. “Can I watch Frozen?”
“No!” Hailey answered.
“Later,” I told Emily who burst into tears.
“Hello!” Ruth’s voice rang out behind me as she let herself in. I shushed Emily. It would be nice if, for once, Ruth could walk in to a scene of happy families rather than crying and bickering.
“What’s wrong?” Ruth asked, dropping a shopping bag on the hall floor and moving into the living room.
“I want to watch Frozen,” Emily said tearfully.
“Watch what you want.” Hailey passed her the remote. “I’m starving. What’s for lunch?”
“You’ve not had lunch?” Ruth asked as Hailey walked past us. “It’s the middle of the afternoon.”
“Emily and I ate in Brinkwell,” I said, defensively. “We’ve been swimming.”
“Can you make pancakes, Gran?” Hailey’s voice drifted in from the kitchen.
“The poor girl will waste away,” Ruth said huffily and left the room.
I nudged Adam awake. “How can you sleep through that?”
“What?”
“Everything! Why didn’t you get Hailey any lunch?”
“She wasn’t hungry.” He sat up, looking dazed and confused. “We had milkshakes.”
“That’s great. Thanks a lot.”
“What’s the problem now?”
“Nothing,” I snapped. “Your mum’s in the kitchen making pancakes.”
“So what’s the problem?”
I sank into the armchair. Emily moved from where she’d been standing by the window to climb onto my lap. Sometimes I forgot she was there. She seemed to be able to make herself invisible: she’d stand quietly, watching and listening, taking everything in. A little sponge. “Why don’t you go and have some pancakes?” I said to Adam calmly.
“Can I watch Frozen?” Emily asked when Adam wandered out.
“How about we go down to the playground for a bit?”
She turned her nose up.
“I’ll buy you some sweets on the way…”
“Okay. But can I watch Frozen later?”
“Yes. Promise.”
“We’re just nipping down to the playground,” I called when we were already out the front door. “Won’t be long.” We left before anyone had a chance to comment.
I bought Emily sweets as promised and parked myself on a bench by the playground to watch her play. The playground was in the corner of a field at the edge of the vi
llage. It was picturesque and I was happy we had it to ourselves so I didn’t have to make small talk with other parents.
I picked at my fingernails, smiling at Emily occasionally when she shouted for me to watch her.
“Hi.” A voice interrupted my thoughts and I looked up to find Angela standing beside me. I managed a smile but my heart raced. I felt like I never had a moment to myself and I couldn’t escape people’s judgement.
“Hi,” I said and she joined me on the bench.
“I saw you from the road and I thought I’d come and say hello. I’ve not seen you for a while.”
“The boys at home?” I asked, ignoring her dig. She’d tried to befriend me when the girls came to live with us. Apart from being the school nurse and seeming to know everyone in the area, she’d also been best friends with Adam’s sister, Becky, when they were growing up. It always felt like she was checking up on me – keeping an eye on her friend’s kids to make sure they were being properly looked after. I’d taken to ignoring her calls and declining her invitations until she’d finally taken the hint and left me alone.
“Yes, I’ve just been up to the pub to talk to Mike about ordering drinks for the Easter picnic. How I get roped into these things I’m not sure.” She rolled her eyes and I managed a smile. “I thought I’d get some peace and a bit of fresh air so I left the kids with Ben and walked over. They’re no doubt glued to the TV and eating junk.”
“I left Hailey with Adam this morning and they did the same,” I told her. “Ruth’s up there now making sure they eat.”
“So you thought you’d escape for a while?”
“I can’t do anything right,” I said, suddenly unable to keep my thoughts to myself. “Ruth always arrives at a bad time. She comes in and finds the kids bickering and Hailey complaining that no one feeds her. And of course Adam’s fast asleep on the couch so it’s all my fault.”
“Sounds like our house! You’re doing a great job, you know.” She patted my arm and my eyes filled with tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” I whispered, wiping my eyes. I watched Emily fly higher and higher on the swing. “Nothing. I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
“Kids will do that to you. Mothers-in-law too.” She smiled. “And husbands.”
“I don’t have a husband,” I corrected her as fresh tears sprang to my eyes. “Somehow I ended up with the kids and mother-in-law without getting myself a husband.”
“Sorry.”
I shrugged. “That’s life.” Mine, apparently, anyway.
“Are you guys okay?” she asked, her voice full of concern.
“Yeah, we’ll survive.”
Angela turned to look at Emily and I watched the look pass across her face. I saw it often when people looked at the girls. Sympathy and sadness for the poor little things.
“They’re lucky to have you,” she told me. “I don’t know how Adam and Ruth would have coped without you around. The girls too, of course.”
“I’m sure they’d manage.”
She looked at me for too long, making me uncomfortable.
“I’ll give you a push,” I shouted to Emily, getting up and heading towards the swings. “It was nice to see you,” I said, looking briefly back at Angela.
Emily and I spent an hour there, playing tag and chasing each other around. We swung side by side on the swings and spun on the roundabout until we were dizzy.
“Uncle Adam!” Emily shouted, running into his arms when he approached us. He lifted her off the ground to spin her around and make her giggle. “Watch how high I can push myself on the swing,” she said, running away from him.
Adam put an arm around me, kissing the top of my head before whispering “sorry” into my ear. I looped my arm around his back and rested my head on his chest.
“Don’t be angry with me,” he said. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I replied automatically.
Chapter 5
Ruth left shortly after we arrived home. Emily sat happily in front of the TV, finally getting to watch her film, and I went to work in the kitchen, cooking a nutritious dinner rather than reaching for frozen pizzas – which was what I really felt like.
“Can I do anything?” Adam offered, handing me a glass of wine.
“Peel the carrots,” I said.
Hailey walked into the kitchen and took a seat at the table. “Gran said I can stay with her tomorrow. So I don’t need to go with you for the twins’ birthday.”
“It’s not up to your gran,” I told her, looking at Adam for moral support.
“I was thinking I might not go either,” he said. “They won’t mind, will they?”
“I already told Kerry we’d all be there.” Kerry is my stepmum, and one of my favourite people in the world, although I didn’t see enough of her any more.
“I just really wanted a relaxing weekend without having to drive into the city,” Adam said. “I have to drive in and out all week.”
I shook my head, breaking off from washing the broccoli to glare at him. “I’ll drive. You just have to sit in the car…”
“I spend half my time in a car.”
“But it’s the boys’ birthday.”
“Okay,” he said with a sigh.
“I just thought it would be nice if we all went,” I said.
“Okay.”
“I don’t even like Max and Jacob,” Hailey complained. “Why can’t I stay with Gran?”
“We’re all going,” Adam said.
Hailey huffed and stood up, then stomped all the way to her room, where she stayed until I called her down to dinner. We ate in front of the TV in an attempt to minimise conversation. There was less chance of bickering that way.
By the time the girls were in bed, I was emotionally drained. I sat down on the couch with Adam, glass of wine in hand, unable to concentrate on the crime thriller he’d put on. I stared at the screen for a while, but when I saw Adam was asleep beside me, I got up and headed quietly out of the front door. I was halfway up the hill, intent on visiting Tom, when I glanced at my watch. Surprised by the time, I realised it was probably too late to visit him.
There was something liberating about wandering the streets so late at night. I continued up the hill and circled back through the village.
“Evening.” Mike made me jump when he walked out of the pub, collecting ashtrays and glasses from the lone table out the front – the smokers’ table.
“Hi.” I swallowed hard, frozen to the spot.
“Coming for a drink?”
“I was just out for some fresh air before bed,” I told him.
He hovered in the doorway, his hands full. “Up to you. The place is empty.” He left me on the street, wondering whether I should risk being alone with him. Would he try and talk to me, dredge up the past, or let me drink in peace? A drink would be nice and I wasn’t in a hurry to get home.
“Wine?” he asked, pulling a bottle of white from the fridge and unscrewing the top while I perched on a stool at the bar and nodded my reply.
“Thanks.” I watched him return the bottle to the fridge and turn to load glasses from the bar into the dishwasher. I’d always liked Mike. He was in his early forties, attractive, and easy to chat to. He was a nice guy. I sipped my wine and watched him work.
“Don’t mind if I clean up around you, do you?”
I shook my head and he moved around the room wiping down tables and straightening tables and chairs. After hoping he wouldn’t talk to me, I soon switched to wishing he would.
“I’d better get out of your way,” I said once he’d finished cleaning and took the empty wine glass from the bar in front of me. “How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing.”
I thanked him and slipped off the stool.
“Lucy,” he called softly when my hand connected with the door handle. “Are you okay?” His words were so loaded that my eyes filled with tears.
“
Yeah.” I turned, nodding while I tried my best to convince him – and myself. “Just a bad day.”
He walked around the bar towards me. “I’m going to have a drink before I turn in if you want to join me?”
I hesitated. “I’d better not.”
He smiled kindly. “If you ever need to talk, you know where I am. Or if you just need a drink after a bad day…”
I thanked him again and slipped back outside. I walked quickly home, aware of how long I’d been gone.
It was quiet when I returned and crept like a burglar into my own home. Adam stirred on the couch as I slipped out of my shoes and jacket. I stopped and lingered in the shadows, waiting until I was sure he was sleeping before continuing up the stairs and into our bed.
Chapter 6
My bad temper flared the next morning when I looked at Adam lying on the couch, watching TV. “Maybe you should just stay here,” I said gruffly.
“I said I’d come,” he replied. “What have I done now?”
“I’m trying to get the girls organised to go to Dad and Kerry’s and you’re just lying around doing nothing.”
“It’s Sunday. I had a long week.”
“Right, so I do nothing all week?”
“I’m coming,” he said, standing up. “What do you want me to do?”
I glared at him. “Stay here – it’s fine.”
“I said I’m coming. Why are you in such a bad mood?”
“I’m not,” I said, taking a breath and adopting a falsely calm tone. “I honestly don’t mind if you don’t come. Stay here with Hailey.”
Hailey appeared in the doorway. “I don’t have to go?”
“We’re all going,” Adam told her.
“Hello!” Ruth’s voice – and the sound of the front door opening and closing – reached us just before she did. “Hailey said she might spend the day with me. What are the rest of you doing?”
“I’m taking Emily to my dad’s,” I said. “Adam and Hailey were going to stay here, but if you want to spend some time with Hailey then that’s great.” I realised it would take more than a day out together to turn us into a happy family, and I just didn’t have the energy.
“Lovely.” Ruth beamed at Hailey. “You can come to church with me.”