by Hannah Ellis
“Oh no, I need to see the girls,” I told him, unable to hide the desperation in my voice.
“I don’t want them to be confused. I think it’s best that they don’t see you for a while. They need to get used to you not being around.”
“You can’t ban me from seeing them.”
“I can, actually. I’m their legal guardian. I decide what’s best for them.”
“That’s not what’s best for them.” I sat bolt upright, ignoring the throbbing in my head. “You’re just angry with me. Don’t take it out on the girls.”
“I have to go,” he told me.
“Don’t you at least want to talk things through?”
“Why? You left. What’s there to talk about? You don’t want to be here. I don’t want to talk about that, and I don’t want to see you.”
“Adam…” My voice trembled and tears fell down my face. “I need to see the girls. We need to talk.”
“Not now. Maybe in a few weeks when things are more settled.”
“A few weeks? Adam, I can’t not see them for a few weeks—”
But he’d already hung up. I felt as though I was being torn apart. I wanted to hate him, I was so angry with him. I’d left, but that didn’t make everything my fault. I wanted him to take some responsibility too. Part of me had expected him to grovel – had wanted him to, I guess. My pride was hurt that he didn’t want to fight for me. It was stupid, because I’d decided I’d had enough and I knew it was over when I walked out. It stung that he had reached the same conclusion so quickly.
Now he was going to punish me. I missed the girls so much, and he knew it. He knew he could use them against me. He’d keep them from me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I gazed at my screensaver, which was a photo of the girls, and hugged my phone to me while I curled up and cried.
Chapter 31
The weekend dragged. I lazed around Matt and Chrissie’s house eating junk and watching TV. The girls filled my thoughts, but I tried to think clearly. I couldn’t stay with Adam just because of Hailey and Emily.
I hadn’t expected Adam to cut me off from the girls. I don’t know why. I knew he’d be angry with me, but somehow I’d thought that when it came to the girls, things would be amicable. He just needed time, I kept telling myself; he was angry now but he’d calm down eventually.
I kept reminding myself of how bad things had been between us in the past few months. Okay, I missed the girls now, but eventually things would settle and I’d be able to spend time with them regularly. Breaking away from Adam was a positive thing, but it would be hard at first.
Hanging around the house feeling sorry for myself left me in a fog of self-pity, and it was a relief to go to work on Monday and get back into some sort of routine. I arrived early and stood looking out of the window which overlooked the playing fields. Kids were milling around, chatting and playing. My mind wandered to the girls again. I imagined them having their breakfast. I glanced at my watch and realised that Adam would have left for work by now. On a whim, I decided to ring the house phone, hoping that Emily would pick up.
However, it was Ruth who answered, and I hesitated, tempted to hang up and try again another time.
“It’s Lucy,” I finally said, holding my breath to see what reaction I got.
“Oh, how are you?”
“I’ve been better,” I told her. “Thanks for not hanging up on me.”
“I take it you want to talk to Emily? She’s just finishing her breakfast.”
“Yes, please.” I heard her moving around the kitchen, and muffled voices.
“Lucy!”
It was so good to hear her voice. I hugged the phone to my ear.
“Hi, sweetheart. How are you?”
“Good. When are you coming home?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Today?”
“No, hon, not today. How’s school?”
“It’s good. Mrs Tierney said I’m the best at spelling!”
“That’s great.”
“Can you come home tomorrow?” she asked.
“Not tomorrow, but I’ll see you soon.” Tears sprang to my eyes and I needed to get off the phone before I started blubbing. “Can you put Gran back on the phone for a minute? You’d better get ready for school.”
“Okay.”
“I love you, Emily. Don’t forget, will you?”
“Okay.”
“Thanks for letting me talk to her,” I said to Ruth.
“No problem. I don’t know what’s going on between you and Adam, but you’re part of the girls’ lives. They need you.”
“Adam doesn’t see it that way,” I said. “Can you talk to him? He won’t speak to me.”
“I’ve tried but he won’t talk to me. He just got cross with me for interfering.”
“Can you try again?” I asked, desperately.
“Not now. I’ll just end up falling out with him and things will be even worse. Give him some time to cool off. I’m sure you two will sort things out after a bit of breathing space.”
“Oh, Ruth.” I hated having to explain it to her. “We’re not going to sort things out. We just need to figure out a way for me to still be in the girls’ lives.”
“Don’t be daft! You and Adam will be back together before you know it. Relationships have their ups and downs.”
“It’s more than that. Things have been bad for a while.”
“Well, you’ve had a lot on your plates; it’s bound to be tough.”
“Ruth!” I yelled. “Surely you could see what was going on?”
There was a pause.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. But I had to leave. I couldn’t take it any more.”
“I know it’s been difficult for you,” she said sadly, “and I know I haven’t always helped matters.”
“I’m sorry,” I told her, remembering that I used to get on well with Ruth, back when life was simple. “I’m so sorry.” Tears pricked my eyes. I should have been there for Ruth more too. I’d stopped asking how she was a long time ago. We could all have supported each other better. We’d kept our heads down and got on with life as best we could – but it hadn’t turned out to be a good strategy.
“Me too,” she whispered. “Now I need to get Emily to school. Call again soon. It’s good for the kids to talk to you.”
I was sitting on one of the children’s chairs, sobbing, when Sarah walked in and found me. “Sorry.” I wiped at my eyes and took deep breaths.
“What’s wrong?”
“Everything.” I laughed at the mess I’d made of my life. “Adam won’t let me see the girls. He won’t talk to me.”
She patted my arm affectionately. “I’d tell you to go home, but I don’t think it would go down well with Mrs Stoke.”
“I need to be here, for my sanity. What else am I going to do? Plus, I can’t afford to lose my job.”
“Well, I put a good word in for you last week, so hopefully that’ll keep Mrs Stoke sweet for now.”
“Thank you. At least I won’t have to be rushing off for sick kids or any other crisis any time soon.” I managed a sad smile as I went to get a tissue, wiping my face to make myself presentable before the kids came in.
“Did you give up on the idea of becoming a teacher?”
“No. I just never found a good time to talk to Mrs Stoke.”
“I think it would be good for you,” Sarah told me. “It would give you something to focus on. Something positive.”
I turned my back to her, straightening out the book corner to try and distract myself.
“Did I say the wrong thing?” she asked.
“No. Yes! I’m sorry. I can’t think about it now; my head is going crazy.”
“You’ll be okay,” she said. Then the bell rang, the door burst open, and a horde of seven-year-olds swept in.
I stayed for the full school day, figuring it might help to make up for some of my absences – and it would help keep my mind off things too.
I’d just pulled up at Chrissie’s house when my phone rang and I answered it. It was Hailey.
“Emily said she spoke to you, and I told Gran that’s not fair so she said I could call you!”
“Hi, hon. It’s great to hear from you. How was school?” I asked.
“Good. When can we see you?”
“I don’t know. Soon, I hope.”
“I hope so too. It’s boring around here without you.”
“I’m pretty bored without you as well,” I told her.
“Uncle Adam’s in a bad mood all the time.”
“Be nice to him.”
“I’m always nice!” She laughed, making me smile. “Gran’s cooking shepherd’s pie, and I’m supposed to go and help her.”
“Go on, then. I’ll talk to you again soon.”
“I miss you!” she said.
“I love you. Don’t forget, will you?” I heard her giggle before she hung up. I felt better for hearing her voice. The girls were so strong, they amazed me. It made me realise that I had no choice but to get through each day and hope that eventually Adam would calm down enough to talk to me.
Chapter 32
Late on Wednesday evening, I finally plucked up the courage to call Adam. I’d psyched myself up and was determined to state my case calmly and rationally, leaving him no option but to agree to let me see the girls.
I said a quick hello before getting to the point. “I want to arrange a time to come and see the girls.”
“I told you to leave it for a while,” he said, his voice so full of anger that I didn’t recognise it.
“I know, but I’m not going to leave it for a while because I miss them and they must miss me too.”
“You chose to leave,” he said.
My teeth ground together and I had to make a conscious effort to relax my jaw to speak. “Well, we need to come to some agreement,” I told him, my plan to stay calm and rational slipping away from me. “Because one way or another I will see them and you’ll have to take out a restraining order to stop me. You may as well just tell me when is convenient.”
“Fine. Next Saturday morning. You can collect the rest of your things while you’re here.”
His words rang around my head long after he’d hung up. Collecting the rest of my things would make everything so final. And how were we going to come to any sort of arrangement when he was so angry with me? It crossed my mind that I should have tried harder with Adam; I should have fought to keep us together. We should never have ended up in this state.
I had tried, though; I’d battled every day for the past year and a half and all I’d succeeded in doing was exhausting myself. At some point you have to know when to move on, and that’s what I’d done – or at least what I was trying to do. I lay on the bed in Matt and Chrissie’s spare room and hated myself. How had my life come to this?
I woke to a message from Sarah saying she was ill and wouldn’t make it into work. She wanted to give me the heads-up that I’d be with a supply teacher for the day. I fired a quick message back telling her to rest and get well soon.
I arrived at work early. Jean Stoke arrived in the classroom shortly after I’d stowed my handbag in the cupboard.
“Sarah won’t be in today,” she told me.
“Yeah, she messaged me to say she’s ill.”
“Unfortunately, she was the third member of staff to ring in sick! There’s a bug going around, apparently. I can’t find enough supply teachers to cover. I wonder if you could cover the class today?”
“Oh.” I was stunned. I’d never taken the class myself before. “Yes. That’s fine.”
“Great. Thanks. I’ll pop in, but I’m sure you’ll be fine, judging by what Sarah tells me.”
She left me to go and organise supply teachers for the other classrooms. I was slightly worried. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than five minutes; my mind constantly wandered to Adam and the girls. Teaching the class felt like a mammoth task.
In the end it turned out to be a good thing: being so busy kept my mind occupied and the day flew by. I hardly thought about my problems at all, giving me a much-needed break.
Mrs Stoke spent some time hovering in my classroom. I felt as though she was assessing me, but I ignored her and took over the class to the best of my ability. In the end I was happy to have the chance to show off my skills in the classroom. I might not have been the most reliable employee, but I was good at my job, and I was a very capable teacher. Jean Stoke had also unwittingly done me a favour by breathing down my neck for the day: the kids were always on their best behaviour when she was around.
Sarah was absent on Friday too and Mrs Stoke left me in peace to teach the class for the day. Again, the day flew by and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed teaching. The kids responded well to the lessons, and at the end of the day I had a real sense of achievement. I would definitely find time to talk to Mrs Stoke about doing teacher training.
Chapter 33
My heart raced as I drove through Havendon on Saturday morning. I parked in my usual spot on the driveway, beside Adam’s car. I was apprehensive about seeing him, but was hopeful that talking to him face to face would be easier than over the phone. I was confident that he wouldn’t make a scene in front of the girls, anyway.
I missed them more than I imagined I would. I missed Emily crawling into my bed at night, and her incessant chatter. I missed Hailey’s laugh and her sense of humour, and how she could win an argument with just a look.
When I reached the door, I hesitated, unsure whether it was appropriate for me to let myself in. The thought of knocking was absurd, so I pushed the door gently and shouted hello, waiting to hear the girls’ footsteps as they ran towards the door. Nothing happened. When I ventured into the hallway, I caught a flash of movement from the corner of my eye, and saw Adam standing at the top of the stairs.
“Hi,” I said, trying desperately to sound calm.
“Hi.”
“Where are the girls?”
“Mum’s taken them shopping.” His voice was void of emotion as he walked down the stairs. I should’ve known. With a great effort, I hid my disappointment, swallowed my anger and held my ground.
“Maybe it would be a good time for us to talk then.” I hoped he hadn’t noticed the tremor in my voice. I wasn’t prepared for this. I’d expected the girls to jump all over me and lighten the atmosphere with their chatter and energy. I didn’t even know what I would say to Adam.
“Okay.” He moved into the kitchen and I followed him, surprised that he’d agreed to talk so easily.
“I’m sorry I left so abruptly,” I said.
He leaned against the sideboard, his arms folded across his chest. “You can take whatever you want,” he said. “Furniture, whatever. I think that’s only fair.”
I stared at him for a moment, trying to comprehend what he was saying. “Don’t you want to talk?”
“Why? What do you want to talk about? You want to kiss and make up and pretend nothing happened – until the next time you have a bad day and decide to leave? How long are we going to do this for?”
“I didn’t have a bad day, we had a bad year and a half!” My words were angry. I paced across the room, stopping to clutch the back of a chair. “And I don’t want to make up! I didn’t leave on a whim; I didn’t just run out without thinking about it.” I was amazed he could think that, and I suddenly felt sorry for him. He thought I’d wanted to fix things between us!
“You could have given me a clue how you were feeling,” he said, glaring at me.
“Oh come on! You can’t seriously have been surprised,” I shot at him. “You have been living here too. Surely you’ve noticed how awful it’s been?”
He laughed then, and the look in his eyes scared me. “My sister died,” he told me, enunciating every word. “My dad died. My nieces lost their parents. My mum lost her husband and daughter. I’m sorry it’s not been a party around here. I just didn’t expect you to leave me because of all tha
t.”
“I didn’t leave you because of that!” I screamed at him, unable to control my emotions. “I stuck by you through all of that. But you wouldn’t talk to me. So much has happened that you just brush under the carpet. You should be the one person in the world I can talk to, but you just want to bury your head in the sand and pretend everything is fine.”
“I thought everything was fine!” he said, his voice rising. “At least, between us. I thought we were a family and we would stick together. And then you just walked out. If you were expecting me to apologise, you can forget it. You left us. Did you even think about how hard it would be for me to tell the girls that you’d left them?”
“I didn’t leave them,” I told him, tears springing to my eyes. “I left you. I couldn’t live with you any more. It breaks my heart to not see the girls, but what was I supposed to do? Stay for them and forget about my own happiness? I couldn’t live like this any more.”
“So, take what you want and leave. Get your things and get out!” He turned away from me.
Tears streamed down my face. “It’s not that simple, though, is it?” I said. “I want to talk about the girls. I want to make things as easy as possible for them, but I don’t know ho—”
“I think it’s too late for you to start worrying about that!”
“We could sit down together and talk things through with them,” I offered, sniffing. “Surely after everything we’ve been through we can figure out a way to make this okay for the girls.”
“I don’t know how we can make things okay,” he said, his voice calmer, under control. “I don’t understand what you think will happen. Are you expecting us to be friends, or what?”
“I don’t know,” I cried. “I just don’t want us to hate each other.”
“Maybe you leaving wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened,” he said bitterly. “Maybe we do make each other miserable.” He turned and looked at me. A flicker of something – Sympathy? Pain? Regret? – flashed across his face before his expression went blank and he walked past me. “I’ll leave you to pack. We’ll figure out a time for you to see the girls later, when things have settled down.”