by Hannah Ellis
I messaged Adam to let him know where we were, worried that he would have me arrested for kidnapping. We had the playground to ourselves and we played around together as though we didn’t have a care in the world.
Adam arrived an hour later and told the girls it was time to go. He didn’t look at me. I hugged the girls, promising them that I’d see them soon. I waved until they were out of sight and then took a seat on the bench, trying desperately to be brave and focus on the positive – at least he’d let me see the girls.
Chapter 36
The situation with Adam’s photos played on my mind all week. Had I gone mad? They weren’t my photos to sell and Adam didn’t want to sell them. I couldn’t figure out if I thought I was doing him a favour or if I secretly enjoyed making him angry. Because he would be furious, I knew that much. Deep down, I think I wanted to get back something of what we’d lost. I’d always wanted him to make a career from selling his photos and, after so long nagging him and getting nowhere, it suddenly felt like I had nothing to lose. Maybe if I’d done this earlier – pushed him into it instead of just making the odd comment – things would have turned out differently for us.
It took a lot of effort to push it from my mind. I decided I’d go back soon, tell them it had been a mistake, and get the photos back. Then I’d be able to forget about the whole thing.
I talked to Adam on Friday and had to bite my tongue to stop myself from blurting out what I’d done. He was curt and monosyllabic on the phone, and my heart broke a little more as we spoke.
He agreed that I could come over on Saturday to spend some time with the girls. He’d be at work, he told me, but he’d let Ruth know to expect me. The phone call left me feeling drained.
Before I set off for Havendon, I called Angela and asked if she and the kids had time to meet up. I wanted to avoid spending too much time in the house when I visited the girls; it felt weird to be there. I missed my chats with Angela too: it would be nice to catch up.
Ruth hugged me when I picked up the girls. I ushered them into my car and we set off on the short drive to Angela’s place. The girls chatted incessantly from the moment I picked them up, filling me in on everything I’d missed.
“What will you do?” Angela asked me as we sat on a bench at the playground, watching Emily dangle from the climbing frame. The big kids were at the other side of the field, building a den in the woods. Poor Emily was left to play on her own; the older kids didn’t want a baby around them.
“I don’t know. I’d like to do my teacher training next year. It would be good to have something to focus on.”
“Can you keep living at your friends’ place?”
“No.” I sighed. “Not really. They won’t kick me out, but it’s only supposed to be a temporary arrangement. I just can’t bring myself to look for anywhere else. The thought of living on my own is so strange. I’ll have to start looking for somewhere, but it’s going to be hard, financially and emotionally.”
“How’re things with Adam now?”
“Awful. But at least he’s letting me see the girls, so things are better than they were a week ago.”
“Things will get easier. I think Adam was just so shocked when you left that he didn’t know how to react. He misses you.”
Tears filled my eyes and I silently cursed myself for not being able to keep my emotions under control. “At the moment it just seems like he hates me.”
“Maybe a bit,” she said lightly. “But he still loves you too.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” I told her, dabbing at my eyes. “Things have been over for a while. It’s just hard to admit it. I’m not in love with him any more.” I was surprised at how easily the words fell off my tongue. “I feel like I don’t really know him any more.”
“It’s been such a hard time for you all,” she said. “It’s a shame you can’t work things out.”
“Have you spoken to him?” I asked.
“No. Not really. I’ve bumped into him a couple of times at the school gates but he doesn’t say much.”
“The girls are doing okay, aren’t they?” I asked.
“It seems like it. They’re both doing well at school and they’re always lovely and chatty when I bump into them. They’re such good kids.”
“Ruth must have stepped in to look after the girls after school,” I said, leaping to my feet when Emily fell off the climbing frame, and then sitting again when she brushed herself off and carried on. “I wonder if Adam’s working any less. I don’t know if he just went to work today to avoid me. He might not be at work at all. Just staying out of the way.”
“Stop overthinking everything,” she said, patting my knee. “You’ll drive yourself mad.”
“I think I probably will. That’s if I’m not mad already!”
“Have you spoken to Mike since you left?”
“No,” I told her. “I dropped a note through his door the day I left, apologising. Adam punched him and I felt terrible about it. I meant to call him, but I haven’t got around to it.”
“There was a bit of gossip flying around the place after their little punch-up…”
I looked at Angela and exploded with laughter. She joined me, and Emily grinned over at us as we cackled away.
“Poor Mike,” I said, wiping my eyes. “I should go and talk to him. He was always a good friend. I didn’t mean to drop him in it.”
“He knows. He is a good friend. I wish he’d find himself a girlfriend, though.”
I rolled my sleeves up and stretched my legs out in the sun, the bout of laughter lifting my spirits. “Did he tell you he’s been trying internet dating?”
“Yeah. He was supposed to meet up with someone but he had to cancel due to his black eye.”
“Just when I think I couldn’t feel any worse!”
“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. It’s Mike – you know what he’s like, he can see the funny side. Adam apologised and everything is fine.”
“How did I cause so much drama?” I asked.
“I think Adam can take some of the credit. Anyway, it gave people something to talk about for a few days.”
“That’s all right, then!” I smiled. “Sometimes my life just seems so surreal. If someone had told me two years ago where I’d be now, I’d have laughed at them. It’s like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from.”
“Ah, but it’s not been all bad. Look at the relationship you have with the girls. It’s incredible.”
I nodded and my emotions betrayed me again. “I want my Adam back,” I said sadly. “How we were before, when it was just the two of us. I miss him. It all seems so unfair.”
“I wish I could help,” she told me, rubbing my back.
“Thanks. This helps. It’s nice to talk to someone properly.”
“Any time.”
“Can I go and climb trees with the others?” Emily asked then, running over to us. We turned to see Hailey, Imogen and Zac up a tree, waving back at us.
“Come on then,” I told her, taking her hand.
I dropped the girls back with Ruth and left before Adam got home. I’d had a nice afternoon with the girls and I didn’t want it ruined by running into Adam. We’d no doubt just end up arguing or he’d give me the cold shoulder, and I’d go home feeling even more depressed.
I slowed when I drove by the pub in the village, wondering whether I should pop in and talk to Mike. I was torn between wanting to talk to him and not wanting to give the gossips any more ammunition. The idea of Adam driving past and seeing my car outside the pub also didn’t sit well with me. Who knows how he would react to that? I didn’t want his macho pride causing Mike more problems.
There was a knock on the window, and I realised I’d stopped the car in my contemplation.
“Hi!” Mike’s cheerful voice greeted me as I lowered the window.
“I was just wondering whether I dare come in and talk to you,” I told him.
“Probably better not, to be honest.”
“That’s what I thought. I’m really sorry about everything. I can’t believe Adam hit you.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said, leaning on the car. “I spoke to Adam and it’s all sorted out.”
“I didn’t mean to involve you in our mess.”
“I know – don’t beat yourself up about it. Are you doing okay?”
“I guess so,” I said. “It’s all a big mess still.”
“It’ll all work out in the end.”
“I hope so. How’s the dating scene?”
“Surprisingly fun,” he told me with a grin.
“So you managed to go on your date?”
“Yes, I rearranged it. I told her I was ill. Didn’t like to say I had a black eye and had to hide from the world until it faded!”
“So how was it?” I asked. “When are you seeing her again?”
“She was pleasant enough, but I don’t think I’ll see her again. It was just good to have a night off and do something different. I need to get out more.”
“That sounds positive,” I told him. “Maybe I should give dating a go.”
“I’d better get back to the pub.” He smiled and straightened up. “It was nice to see you.”
“You too.”
On the drive home, I looked out for Adam’s car. I don’t know why. I thought I might pass him along the way, and I got a bit obsessed by the idea. It made the drive go quickly, but there was no sign of him and I wondered how late he would have to work. Again, the thought popped into my head that he mightn’t be working at all, just keeping out of the way until I left.
Angela was right; I needed to stop overthinking things.
Chapter 37
Slowly, my life got back into some sort of routine. I threw myself into work and spent time with the girls on Saturdays while Adam was either at work or staying out of the way, avoiding me. After a month, I still hadn’t seen him. Our phone chats were limited to arranging when I could see the girls. I’d been overwhelmed by sadness for a while, mourning the loss of our relationship and all the promise it had once held, but I was gradually starting to look forward, wondering what else life might have in store for me.
Chrissie and Matt had insisted I stay with them. They claimed I was doing them a favour; they could use my rent money for their wedding. I’d gratefully agreed but had set a limit of six months. That would give me time to get back on my feet. I didn’t like the idea of living alone at the moment.
“I’ve been thinking about dating,” I told them one evening as we sat in front of the TV, eating Matt’s chicken fried rice.
“Really?” Chrissie asked. “So soon?”
“I feel I need to do something proactive,” I said with a shrug. “I wasted a lot of time in a stale relationship. It’s time to move on. Anyway, I’m not talking about jumping into a serious relationship, just having a bit of fun. I hear internet dating is fun and easy: swipe left if you like them, and right if you don’t?”
I watched in amusement as Matt shook his head, trying desperately to swallow his mouthful of food so he could impart whatever wisdom he had for me. “No need.” He waved his fork at me. “I’ve got someone for you!”
“Oh God!” Chrissie sighed. “Who? Don’t set her up with one of your weird friends!”
“Which of my friends is weird?” He shook his head. “Don’t answer that! Lee who I go to the football with. I went to school with him. Nice guy, recently divorced.”
“No!” Chrissie said firmly.
“I’m only twenty-nine,” I reminded Matt. “Surely I can find someone who hasn’t been married yet?”
“I don’t know,” he mused. “You’re getting on a bit. It might be slim pickings!”
Chrissie gave him a quick slap on the arm and I carried on eating. “I’ll just try the swiping thing,” I told them.
“What about Damian?” Chrissie said, looking at Matt.
“From my uni crew?” he asked, screwing his nose up. “He’s a bit boring, isn’t he?”
“No, he’s lovely,” Chrissie said. “And he’s nice-looking.”
“I don’t think I mind boring guys,” I told them. “No drama would be good.”
“I’ll give him a call,” Matt said.
“Just be subtle,” Chrissie warned him. “Ring him for a chat and drop it into conversation that I’ve got a hot friend staying with us … But don’t say why she’s staying! Play it cool.”
“Hey!” He laughed. “Matchmaking is a talent of mine. I don’t need any help from you.”
I laughed. This was probably a bad idea but it would be good to have something else to think about.
“I’m going to talk to the head tomorrow,” I said, feeling suddenly confident. “I’m going to ask if I can do teacher training next year. I need to stop being scared of Jean Stoke and just tell her what I want!”
“Go for it!” Chrissie beamed at me.
When I walked into school the next morning, Jean Stoke was standing in the hallway, and all my courage and determination ran in the opposite direction.
“Morning, Miss Mitchell,” she greeted me loudly.
“Morning!” I managed a quick smile and continued past her.
“Could you come to my office?” she asked. “I need a quick chat with you.”
“Of course,” I said. “Now?”
“Take off your coat and get settled,” she said. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I nodded and hurried off to the classroom, feeling like a naughty child. I should just ask about the teacher training anyway, I decided. Although that wouldn’t be appropriate if she fires me …
“Come in,” she told me when I knocked weakly at her door. “I want to talk to you about your contract for the next school year.” She indicated the chair opposite her. “I wondered if you’d be interested in going back to full-time?”
I was surprised. I thought I’d have to beg for another contract. “Yes,” I told her. “I think that would be good. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it, actually.”
“And what about your teacher training? When you started with us it was with a view to doing your teacher training here too. I know you’ve had a difficult time in your personal life, but I wonder what your plans are now.”
“That’s still my plan. There’s just been so much going on at home…”
“I have to say, I was very impressed watching you teach when Sarah was away, and Sarah only ever has good things to say about you. With your training and experience, I can offer you a salaried teacher training programme to start in September. You’d be a qualified teacher in a year.”
“Thank you,” I said, surprised but happy at the offer. It’s always nice when you don’t have to beg for what you want.
“I presume you’ll need some time to think it over, but I would appreciate an answer soon.”
“Yes!” A smile spread over my face. Something in my life was finally going right. “I’d love to. I accept.”
“You don’t need time to think about it?”
“No. It’s a wonderful offer and I’d love to take it. Thank you.”
“Perfect.” She smiled at me. “I know we had a conversation about your commitment to the job, but I presume that’s all behind us now…”
“Definitely. I’m fully committed.” Sadly, I had the feeling that work would become my main focus in life, but at least I had something to concentrate on while my personal life was in disarray.
*****
Chrissie and Matt insisted on taking me out to celebrate. We ended up going from their kitchen to Dylan’s pub after I told them the news. It was Friday night and I decided I’d earned a drink or two.
“Congratulations!” Dylan said when he sat down with us. “It’s about time you had some good news. Any word on Adam?”
“He hates me and would happily never see me again, but he’s letting me see the girls – which is as much as I can hope for at the moment.”
When I left Mrs Stoke’s office, I’d wanted to speak
to Adam, to share my news with him. It was an annoying echo of our life together: he’d randomly pop into my head, making everything feel bittersweet. It had felt weird not to be able to call and give him my good news. I reminded myself that Adam hadn’t wanted me to do my teacher training; it was part of the reason I’d left. Really, I should be angry with him, but I couldn’t quite manage it. I just needed to keep looking forward.
“He’ll calm down,” Matt said. “He’s just pissed off, but he’ll come around.”
“At least he’s letting you see the girls,” Dylan said.
“I know. It’s so weird, though, just seeing them once a week. Let’s not talk about this. Are we going to eat here? I’m hungry.”
“I’m not really hungry yet,” Matt said. “Let’s wait a while.”
“That might be the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard you say,” I told him teasingly.
“We can’t stay long,” Chrissie said. “We’ve promised to nip over to my mum’s.”
“Really? I thought you were going to help me celebrate. You’ll stay out with me, won’t you, Dylan?”
“Well, I’ll be over there at the other side of the bar,” he told me. “I’m only having a break before it gets busy.”
“Don’t look so upset,” Matt said. “We’ll stay for a bit.” He stood up and waved to someone across the pub, then walked off.
Chrissie leaned over to me. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “Don’t hate me. It was Matt’s idea…”
“What was?”
“I think I’d better get back to work,” Dylan said, winking then slipping away.
“What’s going on?” I asked, looking around to see Matt coming towards us, chatting away to the guy at his side. “Oh no.” I looked back at Chrissie. “No, no, no!”
She winced, and mouthed another apology.
“This is Damian,” Matt told me cheerfully when the two of them joined us at the table. “We went to uni together.”
Chapter 38
I was soon left alone with Damian, and was torn between being angry at my friends for setting me up and thinking I should make the most of it and try and have a good night. Damian was reasonably attractive. There wasn’t anything off-putting about his appearance, anyway: he had short dark hair and was dressed in jeans and a polo shirt. I’d been saying I wanted to move on, and this seemed to be my chance to take the first step. Maybe it was a positive thing. I should probably stop trying to catch Dylan’s eye and focus on my date.