by Hannah Ellis
“Did you move my cardigan?” I asked Adam. “The big green one that’s always in the kitchen?” I used to leave it hanging on the back of the kitchen door for Emily’s little trips to look at the stars. It was entirely possible that Ruth or Adam had moved it, but I wanted to check. They looked blankly at me. “There was a cardigan on the back of this door,” I said. “Did you move it?”
They shook their heads.
“And you looked in the garage?” I asked Adam again.
He nodded.
I heard him call my name as I ran out of the back door into the rain, but I didn’t look back. I had to find Hailey.
The garage was unlocked.
Inside, the air was cool and everything was still. I bit my lip when there was no sign of Hailey. I’d imagined her sitting on the table, swinging her legs and looking sheepish. Storage boxes were piled at one end of the airy room and Adam’s photos stood propped against the walls. Everything was as it should be. I was about to walk out again when I noticed the broken picture.
Crossing the room, I saw it was a photo of me, taken when I’d first started dating Adam. He’d given it to me and we’d hung it in the living room at our old house when we moved in together. We’d never got around to putting it up when we moved here. It had been condemned to the garage, gathering dust. In the picture, I sat on a bench in the distance, oblivious to Adam snapping the photo as I basked in the warmth of the sun.
The glass was cracked and tiny shards glistened on the floor. I was shocked at the sight of Adam’s camera lying broken among the glass – his old favourite Nikon, the one I’d left out on the bed when I’d come to pick up my things.
“Lucy.”
I turned at the sound of his voice. He stood in the doorway, his hair damp.
“What happened to your camera?” I asked quietly.
“I-I was angry. I just missed you so mu—” He stopped at a sound – a shuffle of movement that drew our attention to the corner of the room. Quickly, Adam pushed boxes away from the long wooden table. I gasped when I saw Hailey sitting under the table, hugging her knees, my green cardigan wrapped around her. Relief washed through me in a torrent, and I found myself torn between wanting to shake her and wanting to hug her and never let go.
“Oh, thank God,” I whispered. I was beside her in a shot and squeezed her tightly when she emerged from under the table. Her face was red and blotchy from crying.
“I’m sorry!” she cried, clinging to me. “I’m so sorry.”
“What happened?” I asked, glancing at Adam. Relief flooded his face.
“I woke up early and came in here,” Hailey explained tearfully. “I fell asleep, and when I woke up I could hear Adam and Gran shouting and I got scared, so I hid. I was going to come out, but then I saw the police car…” She buried her head in my chest as she sobbed. Adam came to hug us both.
“It’s okay,” he told her soothingly. “Just as long as you’re okay.”
Hailey tensed and wriggled out of my embrace, hitting out at Adam.
“It’s not okay!” she screamed. “I hate you. I hate living here. I hate you!”
Adam stood stunned. I pulled Hailey away from him. “Calm down,” I said firmly. She curled into me again and I stroked her hair, murmuring soothing words.
“It’s horrible here,” she told me when she caught her breath. “He’s so sad all the time, and we never do anything fun.”
I looked at Adam. His face was ashen and his haunted eyes were too much for me to bear.
A policeman stepped into the doorway.
“I take it you’re Hailey?” he asked, his mouth breaking into a kind smile.
Chapter 41
When I led Hailey in through the back door, Ruth burst into tears and rushed across the kitchen to embrace her.
I was watching Adam. He looked as though he’d walked through hell.
Hailey cried some more, cocooned in Ruth’s arms. When she looked up, her gaze landed on Adam. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking concerned. Now that she was calm she must have realised how much her outburst had hurt him.
He stood up and drew her to him for a hug. “It’s okay. Just don’t ever disappear on me again.” He took a step back, his hands on her shoulders, his voice trembling. “Promise me.”
“I promise,” she sobbed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
Adam hugged her again. The policeman spoke into a walkie-talkie, telling someone Hailey had turned up. Ruth fussed over Hailey, tearfully asking where she’d been and why.
While Adam spoke to the police, I took Hailey into the living room and cuddled up with her on the couch. Ruth left to collect Emily. Apparently Angela had taken her over to her place before the police arrived, not wanting to scare her more than necessary.
“I don’t hate Uncle Adam,” Hailey finally said to me.
Adam saw the policemen out, then came to join us on the couch once they’d left.
“I don’t hate you,” Hailey told him, getting tearful again. “I’m sorry I shouted at you.”
“It’s all right,” he assured her. “I’m sorry too. I’ll make sure things get better, okay?”
Hailey nodded and leaned into him.
“I love you so much,” he whispered to her, his eyes welling up. “I’ll fix things. I promise.”
“I love you too,” she replied.
I left them to get drinks and when Adam joined me in the kitchen moments later, I automatically hugged him. I needed the comfort after the emotional morning.
“Are you okay?” I asked when he moved away from me.
“No,” he said miserably and buried his head in his hands at the kitchen table. It was hard to see him so defeated. He was always the one telling me that everything would be okay. It had always annoyed me before; it made my concerns feel trivial. Ironically, I now had the overwhelming desire to tell him everything would be okay.
“Why didn’t you tell me she was missing?” I asked instead.
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I should’ve done. I’ve messed everything up. Everything I do is wrong.”
I couldn’t quite bring myself to disagree. “You have to make things better for the girls.”
“I know!” His head snapped up at me. “I know that.”
“I can help you. If you’ll let me.”
His eyes softened, pleading with me. “Come home.”
I pulled my hand away when he reached for it. “I can’t.”
“Why not?” He spoke quickly. “Everything was better when you were here. We all miss you so much. Can’t we try again?”
“You never even saw that there was a problem between us, so how could things be any better than before?”
“I can see it now,” he told me. “After my dad died, and Becky, I just got so used to things being awful that it started to seem normal. But I see it now. I can make things better.”
The kettle boiled. I got up to make drinks, trying to figure out what to say. “I’ve moved on,” I said, sounding cooler than I’d intended. “At least, I’m starting to. I don’t want to go back. Things are finally starting to feel normal for me: my job’s going well and I’m getting on with my care—.” Then I stopped abruptly and stared at Adam, stricken.
“What?”
I dumped tea bags out of the mugs and into the sink, remembering the look on Jean Stoke’s face when I ran out of school that morning. “I probably lost my job today,” I told Adam wearily. Would things ever go right for me?
He looked puzzled. “Because of Hailey? I’m sure, given the circumstances…”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, placing a mug of tea in front of him. “It really doesn’t. Let’s just think about the girls. I want to see them more. And I want you to be able to call me when there’s a problem, or for anything to do with the girls.”
“It’s not that simple,” he told me seriously. “I wasn’t trying to shut you out to hurt you. I just can’t stand to be around you if we’re not together. It kills me.” His honesty took me
by surprise.
“We’ll have to figure something out,” I said.
“Okay. I’ll try.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Instead, I busied myself making hot chocolate for Hailey and then sat with her until Emily burst through the door a while later. She jumped into my arms and I hugged her tightly.
Ruth made us sandwiches and then left us alone. The four of us cuddled on the couch watching films all afternoon, then ordered pizzas for dinner. It was cosy and relaxed and I wished we could always be like that.
I enjoyed the routine of putting the girls to bed. It was something I missed, settling them down for the night with stories and cuddles.
“Adam?” He jumped when I walked into the kitchen to find him clearing up the dinner things. “What happened in the garage? With the picture and your camera?”
He looked thoughtful. “I was annoyed that you left it out on my bed. It was like you were still nagging me about it even after you’d left. I was just going to store it in the garage but…” He paused, looking sheepish. “I threw it across the room instead!”
“You win, then,” I said, unable to do anything but make light of it. “You can’t take photos without a camera!”
A smile flashed across his face and quickly disappeared. “There were too many memories.” He looked at me earnestly. “That’s why I didn’t want to take photos any more. Every time I looked at the camera it brought back all these memories of my dad and Becky. And it felt wrong, somehow, for me to carry on playing around with my camera when they were dead.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, surprised by him. “I never understood why you gave it up.” Thoughts of the photos I’d taken to The White Kitchen sprang to mind and I wanted to tell him what I’d done. I hesitated too long, not wanting to argue when we were getting on.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, straightening up. He seemed embarrassed now by what he’d told me. If only he’d been able to open up to me sooner.
“I’d better go.” I pushed my feet into my boots in the hallway. “The girls are fast asleep.”
“Thanks for coming over.”
I picked my coat up. “Next time there’s a problem…”
“I know. I’ll call you.”
I went to hug him, and immediately wished I hadn’t. Everything about him was so familiar. He held me tightly and I breathed in his scent until I felt the tears threatening to fall. It was hard to let go. “I’ll come over at the weekend?” I said, my hand on the door.
“Good,” he said. “See you then.”
I finally managed to meet his eyes. Smiling weakly, I walked out and left him again.
Chapter 42
“If you explain the situation, I’m sure she’d reconsider.” Sarah looked at me sympathetically as I sat on a kid’s chair, my head in my hands.
I was drained from my time in Jean Stoke’s office. She’d called me in first thing and told me that she wouldn’t be able to keep me on the following school year, either as a teaching assistant or in the teacher training programme. It was no surprise. I knew when I left the previous day I would lose my job. I barely had the energy to care.
“I just couldn’t bring myself to argue,” I told Sarah. “Besides, she’s right – there’s always something. It seemed like time to bow out gracefully. There was a limit to her patience and I definitely pushed her to it.”
“I can’t believe you won’t be here next year,” Sarah said sadly, taking a seat beside me.
“I know. I’ll miss you.”
“New kids and a new TA. That’s depressing enough. Now you won’t even be in the building.”
“Jean said she’d give me a reference at least. Maybe it’s a good thing. A change might be good for me. A fresh start.”
“Will you still do teacher training?”
“I don’t know,” I said, stretching out my legs. “I was happy about doing it here, where I already knew everyone. It seemed so natural and easy.”
“You should still do it.”
“It just feels like my whole life is a mess. Maybe I should pack a bag and go travel the world.”
Sarah smiled at me and I laughed. “Except I have no money, so I guess I wouldn’t get far.”
“You could try hitch-hiking?” she suggested.
“Hitch-hike my way around the world? Now that could be interesting!” I sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to think of something, though.”
“At least Hailey’s okay,” Sarah said. “Kids really know how to scare you, don’t they?”
“I was petrified,” I said. “My mind wandered to a hundred horrible scenarios. Thank God she’s fine.”
“Adam must have been out of his mind. Are things any better with you and him?”
“I think so. He still wants us to get back together, though, which makes things hard.”
“It was never going to be easy to stay friends after breaking up, was it?”
“I know,” I said, peering into the hall at the kids milling around. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“You’ll figure it out,” she said kindly. “Are the kids here already?”
“They are,” I said, glancing at my watch. I opened the door and let the rabble in.
My mind definitely wasn’t on my job. I smiled at the kids when they spoke to me, but hardly registered what they said. Try as I might, I just couldn’t focus. I was glad it was Friday.
I decided I’d head into Manchester after work and walk around the shops. A bit of window shopping might be fun. It would be better than moping around Chrissie and Matt’s place anyway; that was doing me no good at all.
My phone rang just as I parked the car in the multi-storey, and I was surprised to hear Mike’s voice when I answered.
“Please tell me there’re no more emergencies today?” I said.
“Only a very minor one,” he said, chuckling. “It’s a bit awkward. Don’t tease me…”
“Don’t make me promise that!”
“Okay, fine! I drove into Manchester for a date, but she’s just rung and cancelled.”
“Oh no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks for not laughing. I just thought, since I’m already in the city… if you’re not doing anything, maybe we could meet up. Grab some dinner?”
“Oh!” I leaned back against the seat of the car.
“If you’re busy or whatever, it’s fine. I just thought you might take pity on me.”
“I’m not busy,” I told him slowly. “I’m actually in the city already. Dinner would be good.”
“Great. Where are you? I’ll come and meet you.”
When I got off the phone it was with mixed feelings. I’d always enjoyed Mike’s company, but guilt niggled at me. I almost felt like I was going behind Adam’s back; like I was cheating on him. I got out of the car and shook off my guilt. It was a stupid thought for a number of reasons. First, Adam and I weren’t together any more so how could I cheat on him? And second, it was just dinner with a friend; it wasn’t a date. It was just Mike. My friend.
Chapter 43
We met nearby. Mike greeted me with a hug.
“You look smart,” I told him, taking in his khaki trousers and black shirt, sleeves rolled back to reveal his toned forearms – the result of working in a pub.
“Scrub up okay, don’t I?” he said. “I think it’s important to look good when you get stood up!”
“Definitely,” I said with a smile. “I came from work, so…” I shrugged and looked down at my black trousers and plain V-necked top.
“Perfectly dressed to save me in my hour of need,” he said with a cheeky grin.
We fell into step, heading to the city centre, and when Mike casually stuck out his elbow, I hooked my arm through his. The sky was clear and the sun beat down while a warm breeze whipped at my hair. It was beautiful weather for a stroll.
“What do you want to eat?” Mike asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t mind.”
“Good.
My cousin’s got a bistro – she’s always on at me to visit.”
“That sounds nice.”
“Great. It does involve me taking you down a few back streets; it’s a bit hidden away, over by the Northern Quarter.”
I laughed. “I trust you.”
“This way, then.” He pointed, and we crossed the road.
“I think you know your way around Manchester better than I do,” I said as we navigated a number of back streets, finally coming to a cobbled street lined with small independent shops.
“You must have been here before,” he said.
“Not for years,” I said, looking around. “My stepmum, Kerry, used to bring me shopping here when I was a kid. Actually…” I pulled him to the opposite side of the street to a small jewellers. I peered into the window and my mind flooded with memories. “I got my ears pierced here. My dad didn’t want me to get them done. I was eight and he said I had to wait until I was ten! I was so angry with him. Kerry said she’d deal with my dad, and she let me get it done. She bought me little dolphin earrings.” I smiled at the memory. “I’d forgotten about that.”
I slipped my arm back into Mike’s and we continued along the cobbled street, stopping occasionally to window shop.
“Here we are,” Mike announced when we stopped in front of a little bistro sandwiched between a bookshop and a shop selling candles and incense sticks. The smell wafting out filled the warm air with a mixture of scents which put my nose into action. I sniffed the air like a dog, much to Mike’s amusement.
There were people sitting at two of the four tables outside the bistro, and the sign above the door read Melody’s. I followed when Mike ducked his head through the low doorway. The inside was brighter and more spacious than I was expecting. Soft piano music came from an old upright in the corner.
“There’s a ghost that likes to play,” Mike told me, following my gaze.
“That’s amazing,” I said, watching the keys move up and down by themselves. I ignored the black box of technology sitting on top of the piano, choosing instead to believe in the magic of a piano playing itself.