Ruth (An Insensate Novella) (The Dissolute Trilogy Book 2)

by Michelle Horst

  “Up, up, up,” he roars and the harsh words echo through the dome. I struggle to my feet, my whole body protesting with pain. I try to limp as fast as I can, trying to get away from Roland, who seems to be everywhere all at once. I don’t understand any of what’s happening. I don’t understand this awful world. I just want to go home!

  “Jump!” he yells and it’s only then I realize I’m close to the scaffoldings again. My sobs turn to whimpers, because I know it’s only going to hurt if I jump, but I also know that Roland can hurt me so much worse.

  I want to crumble to the floor and cry for all I’ve lost. I miss my dad, my mom and my cozy room. I miss the bright future I would’ve had. I miss my life and I want it all back.

  “I said jump!” Roland roars behind me and I feel so frazzled by all that’s happening and my own heartache for all I’ve lost, that I just run.

  I try to stop as I near the scaffoldings, but it’s too late. Panic has fried my senses to a frail crisp. My body lurches forward, but not enough to carry me over to the scaffolding, and I slip in between the wall and the swaying scaffolding.

  The edge of the scaffolding slams into my stomach, pinning me for an agonizing second, before my aching body is dropped to the hard ground.

  The pain is so intense and sharp that I can’t breathe for a few seconds.

  “Up, Ruth!” Roland yells. But I don’t care anymore. He can kill me. I’m half dead anyway, or so I think until he crouches down next to me and a fresh wave of fear comes over me. “Are you planning on lying there the whole day,” he hisses.

  I suck in a shivering breath and whimper at the suffocating pain filling my lungs. I try to bring my arm in under me, so I can push myself up, but there’s no strength left in me and I fall back down.

  “Enough,” I gasp on a painful breath, hoping he will leave me in peace so I can just die.

  “No, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me,” he whispers, and then he surprises me as his arms slips under my back and knees. I want to flinch away but my body won’t respond. Pain streaks through me as he lifts me to his chest, and I don’t even try to keep the whimpers back. “Enough training for today,” he whispers into my hair.

  The world keeps swaying as he carries me somewhere and I really don’t care, he can even go tie me down again, as long as he leaves me alone. I hear a door close behind us and then he puts me down on something hard.

  I peel my eyes open and frown. He’s put me in a bath. He has high hopes if he thinks I can bathe right now.

  “You have one of three choices. One, you bathe yourself, two I go get Vine to bathe you,” I start shaking my head before he’s even finished with the sentence. I don’t know her, there’s no way another person is touching me. He carries on, ignoring my silent protest, “or three, I bath you. But one way or another you’re going to bathe before you get into bed.”

  It looks like his face has been chiseled out of granite. I wonder if he’s even human.

  “Can I keep my underwear on?” I whisper. He gets up and a different kind of panic flows through me. “Not Vine!” I beg. My voice sounds raspy from all the screaming.

  He crouches back down and without saying a word, he opens the faucets. Warm water starts to pool around me. The heat feels so wonderful, tears sting my eyes again. I can’t bring myself to move and if I’m going to die it might as well be in a bath of nice warm water. I drift off into the warm darkness, ready to give up on this harsh world that’s become my reality.

  ~*~

  My body jerks as I wake up, and an ache spreads through every muscle. A whimper slips out. It’s dark and I see a shadow of a tree moving outside the window above me, and the twinkling lights. I wonder what they are.

  “How do you feel?”

  Fear clamps down hard on my chest, and I scramble to get up. Pain burns through my body, but I still manage to scramble to the corner. My breaths come faster as I look for a way to get out.

  He moves and it’s then I see him standing on the opposite side of the room. He looks petrifying in the dark with only the shadows illuminating him. Then he takes a step into the light and the sight of him steals my breath. His shirt is buttoned open, showing golden skin and muscles, lots of muscles. I’ve never seen a man built like him before. Where I come from, men don’t do hard labor. They are pale and small compared to Roland. You feel safe with them, where you know for a fact Roland can snap your neck. No man should be allowed to be that strong. Too much power can lead to one’s downfall.

  He starts to walk in my direction, grabbing my full attention. “I have a problem,” he whispers. I press back into the wall when he stops at the foot of the bed. He crosses his arms and it makes his biceps look twice as big, “and for the first time in my life I’m not sure what to do. People come here and they are trained for war. No one has ever left my ward, not able to defend themselves. Every one of my team members are the best. And then … you happen.”

  He walks closer and I try to make myself as small as possible. When he sits down I start to tremble, and it makes my body ache. I bite the sob back but the tears glide warm over my cheeks.

  “How old are you, Ruth?”

  His question surprises me. I swallow hard before I whisper, “Eighteen.”

  He looks out the window for a while, but I don’t dare move. When he looks back at me, I can’t make out the expression on his face.

  “You’re the smallest thing that’s ever wandered the earth and you had to come to my ward.” It’s not a question. He reaches out to me and I hold my breath. He brushes his fingers over my cheek, wiping some of my tears away. “Here’s how it’s going to work. You’re going to stop crying, because I’m not sure I can take much more of your tears, and then I won’t expect you to jump the scaffoldings again.”

  I bite at my bottom lip to hold the tears in, because I really don’t want to try and jump on those things again.

  “I’ll take you on my team, but you have to do everything I say. You have to listen to me, Ruth. You can’t freak out. I understand you’re not built to do half the things the others can, but you’ll have to work on getting stronger inside. You somehow made it to my ward in one piece. If people start shooting at us you can’t start crying and curl up in a corner, do you understand?”

  I nod, remembering what happened to Mr. Demetrius. If it weren’t for Jasper pulling me along, those people would have shot me too.

  “Is there anything you want to ask me?” A million questions race through my mind. “Don’t be scared, you can ask anything,” he says, and for the first time a glimmer of a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. It transforms his face, making him look less scary.

  “Can you smile?” The question pops out and shock trembles through me. I can’t believe I just asked him that!

  “When no one is watching. I have a reputation to up hold as the resident bad ass. I wouldn’t want people to think I’m nice,” he says, and then he smiles. The unyielding look disappears, making way for striking features, sharp but appealing, just like his eyes.

  “Why…” I take a breath to keep the tears back, “why did they shoot at us? Why did they kill everyone?”

  He gets up and walks over to a cabinet. I watch him open a drawer and take something out. “Come here.”

  I’m hesitant at first but he’s not yelling at me and I want to keep it that way. I inch slowly off the bed, my body too sore to move fast. I’m still in my underwear and somehow it made it easier to ignore it when he was yelling at me. At least I have the cover of darkness now.

  My legs tremble with pain as I walk toward him. I keep my eyes downcast and stop a few steps away.

  He closes the distance and I flinch away as he brings something to my head. “It’s okay,” he whispers. I glance up and see the material in his hands. It’s something to cover me!

  When he brings it closer to my head, I keep still. He pulls a shirt over my head and then whispers, “Your right arm.” I bring it up, and he takes hold of my hand, tucking it through the sleeve. “Le
ft arm.” He does the same with my left hand. His arms go around me and at first I think it’s to pull the shirt down, but instead he unsnaps my bra. Fear floods me again and I yank away, turning my body away from his sight.

  “I’m not going to hurt you, Ruth,” he keeps his voice soft, but I don’t believe him. Since I crossed the boundary marker into this hell hole, I’ve been hurting. There is nothing good on this side!

  I feel him behind me and then he takes hold of the shirt. He pulls the shirt down. Then only does he pull the one strap of the bra down my shoulder. “Right hand.” I push my hand through the loop. He pulls the other strap down from my shoulder and I lift my left hand before he can say it, pushing it through the loop. I watch as the bra drops to the floor and heat spreads over my cheeks. “There’s a washing basket in the bathroom. I’ll get you descent clothes in the morning.” I don’t know if I can trust this sudden peace or if he’s going to try and teach me another lesson.

  I pick up the bra and walk toward the bathroom. “There’s also a toothbrush, brush and other things you’ll need in there. Use them.”

  I take off my wet underwear and throw it all in the washing basket. I brush my teeth twice, and it feels good. I never thought I’d miss simple luxuries like brushing my hair. When I’m done brushing my hair, it shimmers blue-black in the light. My eyes are still red from crying. My dad always called me his blue-eyed girl. Tears well in my eyes again and I rinse my face to try and wash them away. I don’t want to upset Roland.

  ~*~

  When I come out of the bathroom he’s sitting on the bed. I stand by the door, feeling uncomfortable.

  “Come sleep, Ruth,” he says, and he sounds as tired as I feel.

  I walk around him and crawl back into the corner of the bed. My eyes grow huge as he takes his shirt off. His muscles ripple under his skin as he moves to lie down, and I can’t help but stare.

  “Lie down,” he commands.

  I smack down into the mattress and stay where I fall, my body aches from the uncomfortable position, but I’m too scared to move.

  “I get that it’s all new, and that you’re scared, but you’ll learn to trust me. Your life is going to depend on it,” he says, then he reaches for me. I start to tremble as he pulls me up against him, but he doesn’t hurt me, and he doesn’t yell. He presses my head to his shoulder and settles my body next to his.

  After a few minutes his body heat seeps into mine and I stop trembling.

  “The lights in the sky are called stars. The rain won’t freeze you, sometimes it’s even nice to walk in it. You should know by now that the sun doesn’t burn, unless you stay in it for too long, but it won’t burn your skin off like you were told. The people who shot at you are called Trackers.” He takes a deep breath and my mind is racing to absorb everything he’s telling me. “Those killed are taken back to the Virtuous Ecocity, where their DNA is used in a cloning process. We call them Insensates, people without feelings. The Emissaries call them the perfect race.”

  I know he said I’m not allowed to cry but I can’t help it. Tears spill over my cheeks. He moves, and I fear that I’ve made him angry but he turns toward me. He pulls me up until I’m lying on his arm and I’m face to face with him.

  “You’ll be okay,” he whispers, and then his arms wrap around me and he tucks my face in against his neck. He’s no longer yelling, but being nice to me. The past few days have been a nightmare and I grab hold of him, because someone is finally holding me and not trying to kill me. I ignore the fact that I’m touching a half-naked man for the first time, and just relish in the warm he’s offering me. I’ll deal with my conscience tomorrow, when I have more strength.

  “You won’t yell at me again?” I ask one more question just needing to be sure of what to expect. I don’t want to let my guard down only to be attacked again.

  “I won’t yell at you again … but,” I tense waiting to hear the rest, “I will yell at other people. I can’t be nice to everybody.”

  I nod against his neck. “Roland,” I whisper, and he pulls back. He looks down at me, a smile tugging at his lips, “thank you.”

  ~*~

  Chapter Two

  Ruth~

  I wake up alone. There are clothes at the foot of the bed. My growling stomach forces me up. I get dressed and roll the pants up three times. The shirt hangs loose, but I’m thankful for it.

  Next to the clothes is a piece of paper.

  You have a choice. The code to both doors is ‘Roland’. You are free to leave.

  I open the door and peek up and down the tunnel. Right will take me out of the ward. Left will take me to the blue door that leads to the rest of the ward – where Roland is. I look right again, to where I know those people are – Insensates - killers. I’m so scared of them. I’m scared of Roland too, but he hasn’t tried to kill me like they did.

  I wipe my hands on my shirt, a nervous action as I start to walk to the blue door. I’m not sure if I’m making the right choice. My hand tremble as I key in his name and the door clicks open. I don’t hear any screaming. I nudge the door open wider and slip through. I let it click softly behind me and hope desperately that I’m making the right choice. I can’t look after myself out there. I don’t know the first thing about finding food and protecting myself! A helpless feeling makes my chest feel tight.

  Making my final choice, I follow the smell of food to the commons. Just to be safe I peek around the archway first. Everyone is inside, laughing and talking. No one is crying and I feel the fear loosen its hold on my tummy.

  The girl, Vine sees me and she nudges at the guy next to her. When he looks up I pull back.

  Maybe I made a mistake? Maybe I should rather-

  “Ruth,” Roland’s voice is soft as he steps in front of me. I glance up nervously. “Why don’t you come in?”

  “I’m scared,” I whisper to him, so the others won’t hear. All the fear is making me feel like a coward.

  Roland tilts his head and leans down, whispering, “If one of them hurts you, I’ll kill them. No more being scared. Work on that inner strength for me, will you?”

  I nod, and then I act on impulse, I grab for his hand. With Roland I know what I’m getting. He yells a lot but he doesn’t kill. I don’t know what the others are capable of.

  His hand closes warm and strong around mine, and he pulls me in behind him. I don’t look at anyone. I keep my eyes on his back. He pulls me from behind him when we reach a bench. There’s a man sitting at it, the one that yelled at Jai the first day I got here.

  “Sit, Ruth,” Roland says, and he presses lightly at my shoulder. My eyes are glued to the other man as I sit down.

  Then the man smiles gently. “I’m Sam, and you look scared out of mind. What did you do to her, Roland?”

  Roland lets go of my hand and my eyes dart wildly between them. He can’t leave me with Sam!

  “She’s just rattled. She’s not like the others. She needs time to adjust,” Roland snaps. I flinch at the tone of his voice.

  Roland sits down next to me and I feel his arm press against mine. I scoot closer to him, as close as I can get.

  “I’m sure you all have something to do!” he yells suddenly and I cringe, making myself small next to him. “You too, Sam,” he says, his voice sounding scary-angry.

  It’s quiet, no one daring to go against him. My heart is the only thing pounding in my ears. Roland gets up and walks away, only to return a minute later. He places a plate of food down in front of me and then straddles the bench sideways, his body facing mine.

  “Eat, you need to build up some strength,” he says, and he sounds calm again.

  I dare a peek at him, and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth, but he quickly loses the smile, looking grim again. He reaches for my face and I keep still. It’s a soft touch as he brushes my hair away from my face, tucking it in behind my ear.

  “Bathing you was one thing. I’m not going to feed you, too.” My eyes dart to his as a blush crawls up my neck, spreading
fast toward my cheeks. His eyes become less sharp and a little softer. “I thought Jai was naïve, but you’re on a whole other level. They knew what they were doing when they chose you. Half the men would take one look at you and freeze. You’d make the perfect killing machine.”

  I gasp at his words, and inch away from him. I don’t want to kill anyone! I can’t kill anyone! The thought upsets me even more than the one of people trying to kill me! I jump up, but Roland grabs my waist and pulls me back down. His arms go around me and he cages me to his chest.

  “Calm down. Take a deep breath,” he whispers.

  I suck in a breath of air and then the words just tumble from me. “I don’t want to kill anyone! Please don’t make me kill anyone! I can’t … I can’t…” He takes hold of my face, lifting it to his.

  “I’m not going to make you kill anyone, but, and listen to me carefully now,” he says, and he leans closer until I can feel his breath on my face, “there will come a time you will have to make that choice for yourself. Either you will kill an Insensate, or it will kill you or someone you care for. There’s a lot you don’t want to do, that you will just have to do. It’s the world you are living in now. Whether you want to or not, you are going to eat right now so we can get on with the day.”

  I nod, but he doesn’t let go of me. His hand brushes over my cheeks, wiping the tears away, and then he leans down. My heart starts to race, but it’s not because of fear anymore - suddenly I’m nervous. He presses his mouth to my forehead and we both sit frozen. Then he pulls back and he gets up.

  “Eat, Ruth,” he snaps, before stalking out and leaving me alone.

  I don’t understand what just happened.

  ~*~

  Roland walked towards the Drill Zone when he left. After breakfast I walk hesitantly into the huge dome. I’m not in a hurry to repeat what happened yesterday. I inch closer, step for step, until I can see him, standing at the bottom.