She leaned close, about to brush a kiss over his lips and wake him up, when, without warning, he came awake with a yell, jerking into an upright position.
“Are you okay?” she asked, reaching for him. He withdrew, lying back down but not touching her.
“Yeah. I was dreaming.” He grew silent, obviously remembering.
“Can you talk about it?” Would he?
Decklan stared into the face of the woman who’d made him feel again. She waited patiently, her beautiful face watching him, staring at him, thoughtfully. Expectantly.
He didn’t owe her anything, least of all an explanation, yet he found himself starting to speak. “I was dreaming about the night my parents died.” He hadn’t had this dream in years. It had begun when he was nineteen and had suddenly found himself dealing with shocking and profound loss.
“They were killed driving home from Gabe’s college graduation. We’d all taken separate cars because I wanted to go out with my friends. Lucy wanted to ride in the front, so she came with me, and Gabe stayed at school to hang with his friends one last time.” Decklan swallowed, but his throat was dry.
The memory assaulting him hurt his chest, impacting his breathing. “If I hadn’t wanted to go out, we’d have been in the same car. An eighteen-wheeler barreled into them. They didn’t have a chance.”
“Oh God.” Amanda placed a hand on his shoulder.
He didn’t flinch, finding unexpected comfort in her touch. “Afterward, I felt so out of control. I’d have these horrible nightmares. That I was in the car and being suffocated by wreckage. I’d wake up thrashing and screaming.” Gabe used to shake him back to reality, and he’d be covered in sweat, breathing hard.
He blew out a harsh breath. “That’s what happened this morning. That dream.” He hung his head, not wanting to think about that suffocating feeling of losing everyone and everything. At least, that’s what it had felt like at the time and what he experienced over and over during each awful dream.
“Decklan?” Amanda asked, her sweet voice ripping something open inside him. He didn’t know how to handle this kind of emotional discussion or the turmoil beating at him.
“Would you rather be alone?” she asked into the silence surrounding them.
He reached out a hand and grasped her wrist. “No.” She’d be leaving this afternoon anyway. His heart sped up inside his chest at the thought of her gone. Though it would be a hell of a lot easier to let her leave, he couldn’t. He needed her.
Admitting that ripped apart something inside him. Before he could allow himself to think things through, he had her flat on her back, his naked and now fully aroused body coming down on top of her.
He met her gaze. Her lips parted, eyes glazed. She was with him. He gritted his teeth and thrust deep, her tight walls clenching around him. She raised her hands and grasped the headboard of her own volition. He pounded into her. She lifted her hips, meeting him with each thrust, taking him deeper.
He wasn’t going to last. Not when he felt the familiar tingle in the base of his spine, signaling he was close. But he wasn’t coming alone. He slid his hand between them and pinched her clit. She threw her head back and called out his name, her body convulsing, her orgasm a hell of a sight to see. Seconds later, he came hard, losing himself inside her warm, willing body, all thoughts of the past gone, for now.
Breathing hard, he rolled to his side and curled her into him. This felt good. Right.
“Decklan, just so you know, I’m on the pill.”
Her words slammed into him, shocking him to his core. “Shit. I didn’t even think.” He’d been too far gone emotionally. “I’m sorry. I swear I’m clean.”
“The club requires tests. I know.” Which explained why she was so much calmer than him. She was thinking clearly.
She touched his cheek. “It’s okay.”
But he broke into a sweat, knowing how stupidly irresponsible he’d been. For a man who prided himself on control, he’d certainly had none a few minutes ago.
He managed a nod. “Okay.”
They lay in silence, his heart beating hard, the nightmare and what he’d stupidly done torturing him.
“Hey.” She curled into him, and he pulled her back into his arms. “I’m here.”
He knew. And maybe that’s why he was able to fall back to sleep. Later, they woke up and, by silent agreement, took separate showers because they were starving and needed to go eat, not get distracted. Neither spoke of his nightmare, for which he was grateful.
While she was in the shower, he’d picked up her phone and programmed his number into it, then added her cell phone number to the contacts in his phone. Decklan was invested in her now, and he didn’t want to risk another month lapse once she returned to DC and he had too much time to think.
They’d returned to the same restaurant they’d eaten at with Isabelle and Gabe and ordered breakfast. While waiting for the food, she’d excused herself to use the ladies’ room. The waiter arrived with their dishes just as Amanda returned.
As she headed his way, he found himself unable to draw his gaze from the sexy sway of her hips. He had it bad and he knew it. Maybe it had been Gabe’s and Isabelle’s easy acceptance of Amanda, or maybe it had been how perfectly she’d meshed with them that had sealed the deal. But this was no longer casual for him. At all.
She picked up the chocolate croissant she’d ordered and took a bite, closing her eyes and groaning as she began to chew. “God, this is delicious.”
He grinned. “You’re cute.” He reached out and wiped a smudge of chocolate off her lower lip.
Her lashes fluttered and her eyes darkened at his touch. Then her tongue darted out, and she licked his finger with the tip.
Sparks flew directly to his groin. “You’re playing with fire, you know. We’re in public. And you have more issues with public displays than I do.”
She cleared her throat. “I was just acting on impulse.” She raised her shoulder in a tiny shrug.
He groaned and shifted in his seat, his jeans now uncomfortably tight. “I like when you’re impulsive.” He paused, then added, “I like you.”
A pink flush stained her cheeks and she looked away.
Okay, so she wasn’t ready. A hard pang hit him in the chest. He’d just have to lead her there. He had no doubt he could do it. Their chemistry and interaction was special.
“So tell me about your life in Washington,” he said, changing the subject.
She relaxed, her shoulders easing down as she leaned in, chin propped on her hand. And she proceeded to regale him with stories about living in Washington, D.C., and about her friends at home, in particular, her best friend with whom she worked.
Decklan was grateful to finally be let in and listened intently.
“I’m his personal assistant, girl Friday, whatever you want to call it. When he gets lost in computer code, someone has to make sure he lifts his head long enough to eat, take a break, or even leave for the night.” She shook her head and smiled fondly. “He’s always been like the absentminded professor.”
Decklan’s gut tightened at the warmth in her voice. “He’s just your boss?” He needed to hear her reassure him.
She raised her gaze, obviously startled by his question. “We go way back, actually. We met in college.”
“And he’s never made a play?” Because a guy would have to be dead not to look at Amanda and want her.
She burst out laughing, then sobered when she obviously realized he wasn’t joining in.
She wrinkled her nose at him, her perceptive gaze narrowing. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think your jealous streak was showing.”
“What makes you think it isn’t?” he asked, suddenly feeling extremely possessive where she was concerned.
Her eyes opened wide. “You can’t—We can’t—”
“We can.” He couldn’t hold back. Refused to. “This”—he gestured between them—“doesn’t happen every day. Believe me, I know.” He’d never felt a connecti
on with a woman before in his life, never mind the intensity of the feelings she’d brought out in him in such a short time.
He wasn’t about to let her slip through his fingers because she was afraid. If he could fight his fears, she could damn well do the same. And he’d be there to help her.
She picked up her coffee and took a sip, her hands shaking badly.
“It might have happened fast, but can you tell me you don’t feel the same way?” he asked, knowing he was pushing, probably too hard, but he didn’t care.
She slammed the ceramic cup down, and it wobbled in the saucer. “I can’t. It’s complicated and I really need to go.” She scrambled for her small purse and rose, heading for the door.
“Dammit.” He tossed money on the table and rushed out after her.
He caught up with her at the corner just as she’d pulled out her cell phone and had begun to dial.
He grabbed her arm. “What’s going on?”
She spun to face him, eyes wide and panicked. “This was supposed to be easy and fun. No strings. Now I’m meeting family and you’re talking about more than a good time.”
“Things changed,” he bit out, letting his frustration get the better of him. “Unless I’m mistaken?”
While waiting for her answer, he fought the fear of loss that normally held him captive. One part of him argued that he’d opened his soul to her and she was rejecting him, leaving him alone, and the cold freeze he usually lived in tried to wrap itself around his heart.
Her shoulders slumped and she shook her head. “No, you’re not mistaken,” she whispered. “I feel the same way. I just… I need to think. I need time.”
He released the breath he’d been unaware of holding. He didn’t ask how much time. He’d give her some leeway, as difficult as it would be. Especially since their time apart really was apart, as in two different cities. But he intended to find out what had her freaked. And find a way around any problem.
TEN
The following week, Decklan worked long shifts, hoping to lose himself in other people’s arrests and issues instead of his own. Now, on his Thursday off, he met his brother at Gabe’s favorite gym. Normally a game of hoops would knock the tension off his shoulders. Not today.
Not since Amanda had left for D.C. and silence had followed. Though he’d made sure to get her phone number, he wasn’t sure of the reception he’d get should he call. And he didn’t know what to do in order to change her mind and convince her to give a real relationship a try.
He wiped the sweat from his forehead with a towel and tossed it onto the bench by his locker, then fought with his key card and the combination lock. It took three freaking tries to get into his locker.
His thoughts were consumed with a woman, something he wasn’t used to. He missed her. Another foreign feeling. Her scent lingered in his sheets, and he looked forward to bed more than was normal. He just didn’t know whether to push hard or give her the space she’d said she needed. He’d even considered a surprise visit, but he didn’t have her address. Again, he could find it, no problem, but she might consider the invasion of privacy a deal breaker. He didn’t want to give her another reason to run. Not that he knew what really had her scared in the first place.
“You planning on PMSing for the rest of the night?” Gabe flicked him with the end of his towel like he used to do when they were kids.
“Shut up.” Decklan wasn’t in the mood for Gabe’s shit. Which meant maybe he was acting like a girl. Fuck.
“Does your mood have something to do with Amanda?” Gabe asked, leaning one foot on the bench between the lockers. “Iz liked her. I’m reserving judgment because I don’t know her well enough yet. But considering my wife asked Amanda to go shopping next time she’s in town, I’m assuming that will change.”
“Isabelle did what?” How had she been in touch with Amanda when Decklan hadn’t?
Gabe laughed at that. Decklan hadn’t even realized he’d said that last part out loud.
“Apparently, the women exchanged phone numbers while we weren’t paying attention. And since Isabelle seems to think she’s the one, she wants to get to know her better.” Gabe shrugged. “Regardless, it’s not like you to let some chick mess with your head.”
Decklan’s head was spinning, but he held on to the thread of conversation enough to answer his brother’s stupid comment. “Amanda’s not just some chick,” he snapped back.
Which had been the problem from the minute he’d laid eyes on her.
Gabe chuckled. “Yeah, well, I already figured that out.”
“You always were the quick one,” Decklan muttered.
Decklan took more time, thought things through before acting. Yet Amanda, who he’d known a short time, already had him rethinking what he believed in and thought he wanted out of life. Everything that had been enough for him suddenly wasn’t. He no longer wanted to be a man trapped by the fear of loss. And he desired more than the solitary existence he’d carved out for himself so far.
Hell, he wanted what Gabe and Isabelle had, something Decklan had discovered during the short breakfast he’d spent with his family and with Amanda.
“What’s changed?” Gabe asked.
A man of few words, Gabe always left Decklan to sort out the meaning of the question for himself and come up with his own answer to whatever spin or interpretation he chose.
Decklan lowered himself onto the wooden bench, and Gabe joined him. He thought of his chosen life, his lack of dating, the first time he’d gone to a BDSM club and discovered a lifestyle that suited him. Not one he’d shared with his older sibling.
“After Mom and Dad died, I never wanted to give up control—of my emotions.” And more.
Gabe nodded. “I get that. I lived life the same way.”
As Decklan knew, Gabe had tried marriage once and suffered a tragic loss. Afterwards, Gabe had chosen women he couldn’t possibly love and kept his relationships cold. Until Isabelle.
“And control works for a while. Until you realize it doesn’t keep you warm at night. Neither do women you tie up and never let get close,” Gabe added in a knowing voice, forcing Decklan to meet his gaze.
“I never thought we had that in common,” Decklan said, still surprised.
“We never talked about it.” Gabe shrugged. “You think I didn’t know you have the same control issues I do?”
“I didn’t realize we dealt with them the same way.”
Gabe inclined his head. “Whatever works works. Until it doesn’t anymore. Are you still dreaming?” he asked.
Decklan groaned at the reminder of this weekend. “Just started up again.”
“Because of her. Because she’s gotten in. She makes you emotionally vulnerable, like you were after Mom and Dad died.”
Decklan shivered at the reminder. “How do you figure this shit out so easily?”
“I’m older. Wiser. Lived through more before I came out the other end.”
He admired his brother, he really did. “And how did you manage that? Coming out the other end, I mean?”
“Once Iz got through my walls, she was in. My problem was keeping her there. I sense you have the same problem?”
Decklan nodded. “How’d you get Isabelle to come around?”
“Different situation. Isabelle needed to know she could trust me to let her live and breathe, to be independent. Then she needed for me to really let her in. That’s not your problem. You’ve got a woman living in another city.”
“And she keeps everything wrapped tight inside her.” Which meant she was keeping herself emotionally apart from him.
Gabe rose and paced the empty locker room. “Do you think she’s hiding something? I can find out anything you want to know. Then you can make the problem go away.”
Decklan rolled his eyes. “I’m a cop. I can do the same thing. But no, I don’t think she’s hiding something big. She’s just got issues. Who doesn’t?”
“Then go all out. Balls to the wall. See if you can win her over.
If that doesn’t work, back off and wait for her to come to you.” He paused. “And if that doesn’t work, lure her to Fantasy Island.” Gabe grinned and flicked the damned towel again.
Decklan jumped up and out of the way in time. “In other words, try everything?”
Gabe grinned. “You said it, brother.”
Decklan didn’t know which approach to try first. He’d spooked her the other day by changing the rules. Well, hell. He’d spooked himself. But now that he knew what he wanted, he had no problem taking risks.
And Amanda just might be the biggest risk of all.
* * *
Amanda finished scheduling Brad’s speaking engagement at an upcoming conference and updated his calendar both online and by hand. She had a to-do list a mile long, and her mind wasn’t on task. How could it be?
Amanda couldn’t get Decklan out of her mind. The confused man who’d lost his parents and locked himself behind impenetrable walls. And the heartbreaking man who had trusted her and let her in. He played her body well, but the truth was, in a short time, he’d gotten into her head as well. As for her heart…
Her cell phone rang before she could finish that thought, and she grabbed it without checking the screen. “Hello?”
“Morning, sunshine.”
Amanda’s skin warmed at the low, sexy tone of Decklan’s voice. Then her heart skipped a few beats. “How did you get my number?”
“I have my ways. I wasn’t letting you disappear for a month this time.”
She hesitated, then said, “I’m glad.”
“Good to know, considering how we left things.”
She swallowed hard. “Yes, I believe I asked for time.”
“Time will only let you think too hard. So how have you been keeping busy?” he asked, changing the subject. Smart man, she thought.
“Working. Lunch with some girlfriends. The usual.”
“Well, that’s the thing. I don’t know what your usual is. And I’d like to.”
She panicked at the thought but only because she couldn’t imagine her two lives colliding. But it was only days and she missed him already. “What are you thinking?”
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