A few minutes later an old BMW SUV pulled into the drive way and Sherinia climbed out of it. Today she had on faded denim jeans and a simple dark-blue sweater. But still she was stunning. Instantly I recalled my weird vampiress dream and my whole body flushed.
“Hi guys,” Sherinia greeted and showed her brilliant smile. She hugged me and kissed me on my cheeks. Then she hugged the other band members and their girlfriends. Again I noticed the dreamy look on Martin’s face. He clearly was into her, but was I any different?
After we had finished our work and put my bass and Martin’s guitar into the trunk of his car Marlon asked if we wanted to go downtown to the carnival parade.
“Definitely not,” I said. “I’ve got enough. And I need to go to the police station. Martin will take me there.”
“I’ll come with you,” Sherinia declared. “I’m an important witness.”
“Okay then, it’s next Friday for the rehearsal, I guess,” Marlon said.
Sherinia and I climbed into Martin’s car and we went to the police station. I made my statement to a female officer and Sherinia confirmed it. There was not much hope they would ever catch the two bastards.
After we left the police station we drove back to Marlon’s to pick up Sherinia’s car. We said goodbye to her, but before she left she whispered into my ear, “I’ll give you a ring later.”
+++
“Jenny, I’m so sorry about what happened to you and that I could not be there,” Emilia said, her beautiful face full of sorrow when it appeared on my laptop screen.
Martin had dropped me off at home and I now sat in front of my laptop and talked to Emilia. She sat on her bed in her room in London. She had shown her room to me via her laptop cam already when we had skyped the first time. In fact it was a spare bedroom in the house of the family where she lived during her stay abroad.
I looked at her beautiful face and my stomach clenched. I really, really missed her.
“Where were you, Em? I mean when I texted you.”
“I was out with Jane, you know, she’s the daughter of the house. Jane knows a lot of people and we went to a club to dance and have fun. Geez, this is expensive here, I cannot afford that very often. We were in that club and so it took a while until I realized you had texted. I’m really sorry, Jenny.”
“It’s okay, Em.”
There was an awkward silence for a moment.
“How are you keeping up? Are you okay?” Emilia asked.
“I had a weird dream last night, but otherwise I think I’m okay.”
“And you really have no idea who the bastards were?”
For a short moment the dreadful scene from last night flashed through my mind again. There had been something vaguely familiar about the guy who had grabbed me from behind. Max Stauder? I could not be sure and I had no evidence at all.
“No, unfortunately not.”
“Shit.”
“Sherinia was amazing, though. She saved my ass.”
“Yeah, that was really amazing. I didn’t know she was that brave.”
“Yes, she was and obviously has experience in self-defense.”
“Jenny, if you need to talk, please text me and we can Skype or call.”
“Thank you, Em. I really miss you here. In person, if you know what I mean.”
Emilia smiled and nodded.
“I understand. I miss you too.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN - AFTERMATH
By the end of this sheer endless day I was completely exhausted. I went to bed early, but did not fall asleep easily. The horror of last night and fragments of my weird dream appeared again and again on my weary mind.
Sherinia had called briefly after I had finished my Skype conversation with Emilia. She asked me how I really was.
“I really do care about you, Jenny, a lot,” Sherinia said.
“That’s sweet of you to say, Sherinia.”
“I really mean it, Jenny.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Jenny?”
“Yes?”
“Will I see you next Friday then, at the band rehearsal?”
“Definitely.”
“Want to go out afterwards?”
“Maybe. I don’t know yet. Depends on how I feel by Friday.”
“Okay, I understand.”
She assured me that I could call her any time I felt I needed her.
+++
There was no school the next two days because of the Carnival. I had no intention to leave the house and busied myself with text books for school, English and German literature I still had to read, and played around with my guitar. But I was not inspired. I had no ideas on how to continue the song lyrics I had started to write.
I had no real appetite, but felt thirsty all the time. I emptied bottle after bottle of mineral water. I could not relax at nights. The horrible scene was on constant replay on my mind. I dreamed of vampires and monsters and of sexual encounters with vampiresses who looked like Sherinia or Emilia. For the time being I didn’t wonder that I dreamed of girls.
The rest of my family either didn’t notice or didn’t care how I felt. To a certain extent this was fine with me. I had no intention of telling my mother or brother anything. I looked into the mirror, into a pale face with sad and bloodshot eyes. I used black eyeliner and Kajal, but didn’t care about make up. I began to look like a zombie myself.
At school I did my best to follow what the teachers said, but was often unfocused. Only in Britzinger’s history class I was fully awake because I knew he was watching me. I didn’t even bother about Lena or Paulina any more. That is, I noticed that a certain girl named Melanie tried to attract Paulina’s attention and they were talking a lot with each other. Lena either didn’t seem to notice or didn’t care. Whatsoever.
I texted with Emilia every day. Martin called me several times and asked how I was. Also Sherinia called me on Wednesday.
Finally, it was Friday afternoon and I began to look forward to the band rehearsal. I hadn’t decided yet if I wanted to go out with Sherinia afterwards or not. It would have to be an impromptu decision.
“Jesus Christ, Blacky, you look completely fucked up,” Martin said as I opened the entrance door.
“Hello to you, too,” I replied.
Martin took me in a bear hug.
“Really, Jenny, you look like shit. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, Martin, I’m okay and I want to rock today.”
He gave me a weak smile.
“If you say so.”
The faces of my band mates showed concern as we arrived at Marlon’s. Even Robin hugged me and asked how I was. Sherinia followed Emilia’s tradition and was 10 minutes late. As soon as she entered the rehearsal room she seemed to work magic. Even though she wore nothing fancy today, only faded jeans and a pale-green sweater, she was stunning. She took me in her arms and kissed my cheeks. I could smell her perfume and it was intoxicating.
“Let’s talk later,” she whispered in my ear and a shiver ran down my spine. It was odd, but I immediately felt better.
“Maybe today it’s not so much about rehearsing, but talking about our gig. We can also have a look at the pics Sophie has taken. We should think about having our own website,” Marlon proposed.
“But first I want to rock,” I pouted.
Everybody looked at me and then they began to laugh.
“Why not?” Martin said. “Let’s do Jenny that favor and rock. We are a heavy metal band, aren’t we? What song do you want to play, Jenny?”
“Dead End Street.”
There was laughter in the room. Dead End Street was our hardest and heaviest song.
“Okay, let’s go then,” Martin said. “Sherinia, can you do this without warming up?”
The song required growls and clear voice. Emilia hadn’t liked the growls.
“Oh yes, I can do this, I had my warming up in the car while driving here,” Sherinia said.
The song roared like thunder out of the speakers
. It was amazing. Sherinia managed the growls as if she hadn’t done anything else before. I banged my head along with it and like magic I felt alive and well again.
“Thank you guys, that was what I needed,” I said as the song ended.
We played for about an hour and then we began to talk about the gig and looked at the photos Sophie had taken while we were live on stage. Marlon and Martin volunteered to take care of an Internet presence for our band.
“Do you want to have a drink with me?” Sherinia asked before we said goodbye to the guys.
“Yes,” I answered since my mood had improved considerably.
Sherinia’s eyes brightened and a big smile appeared on her beautiful face.
“Do you want to go somewhere or come to my place?” Sherinia asked.
As much as I longed to see the place where she lived I thought it better to be on neutral ground.
“Let’s go to a bar or even better let’s grab something to eat, I’m starving,” I said.
“Pizza or Sushi?” Sherinia asked.
“Pizza!”
“There is a pizzeria not far away from where I live. The pizza is excellent and it is not too expensive, even for a student. They also have a private parking lot. Let’s go then.”
We climbed into Sherinia’s BMW SUV. I put my bass guitar on the backseat.
“I will drive you home afterward, Jenny, so don’t worry about public transport.”
“Thank you, Sherinia, that’s very kind of you. How can you afford such a big car as a student?”
“I need a big car for my cello,” she replied with a laugh. “My old man has a lot of money, so it’s not a big problem. Only he expects me to become a famous musician.”
Fifteen minutes later Sherinia pulled the car into the parking lot of the pizzeria. We climbed out of the SUV and entered the restaurant. It was a relatively big restaurant in the typical style of an Italian pizzeria, with wall paintings and photos of Italian landscapes and villages, white tablecloth and a candle on the table. The place was crowded, but not packed, so that we easily were offered a table for two.
The Latin lover type of waiter greeted Sherinia like an old acquaintance, so she seemed to be here often. We selected our pizzas and ordered our drinks. We both had a beer, Sherinia an alcohol-free one.
I realized that Sherinia’s eyes were fixed on me, and it made me nervous.
“What is it?” I finally blurted out.
“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m just looking at you. Do you mind if people look at you?”
She was good in turning the tables.
“I’m not in my best condition as you can imagine and it makes me nervous if you stare at me.”
“I’m sorry, Jenny. You don’t look very well. How are you keeping up?”
“I’m not sleeping very well and I have difficulties getting concentrated at school.” I didn’t tell her about my weird dreams in which she played a certain role.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I guess it takes some time to get over it, but if it doesn’t get better you should see a doctor.”
“I know. But I was looking forward to today’s rehearsal and I enjoyed it.”
“That’s good, that you have something that distracts you.” She reached over the table and patted the back of my hand and left it there. I looked at our hands on the table and then into her eyes.
Oh my, she has so wonderful eyes.
The waiter came with our pizzas and Sherinia withdrew her hand. It felt like I had lost something. I tried to shake it off and concentrated on the steaming pizza in front of me.
“Enjoy your pizza,” Sherinia said.
“Thank you. I’m starving. Enjoy your meal, Sherinia.”
I wanted so badly to ask her the things that I wanted to know about being with a girl, but didn’t dare to ask her. Instead I asked her trivial stuff like where she had purchased her cute corset and other outfits.
It was easy to talk with her and I felt a bit less awkward, but still I couldn’t get rid of that feeling that she was studying me. I tried to avoid staring at her lips and her cleavage. She caught me several times as I was staring at her, but she didn’t seem to be upset or embarrassed. On the contrary, she showed her brilliant smile.
After dinner Sherinia asked if I wanted to have a dessert, but I felt too stuffed and suddenly realized I was very tired. I told her so. For a split second I wondered if her face showed disappointment, but like the sun appears from behind a cloud her smile came back. Like before she laid her hand on top of mine and I immediately felt that strange sensation again. I couldn’t really define what it was, but it made me nervous.
“I understand you completely, Jenny. I don’t blame you. I’ll take you home. And by the way, you’re invited.”
I protested, but she called the waiter and paid our check. We left the restaurant, climbed into her SUV, and she drove me home. Sherinia stopped the car in front of the apartment building. She turned towards me and looked into my eyes.
“Want to hang out with me some time next week? Maybe go to the movies or something?”
“I’d love to, Sherinia, but I don’t have so much money.”
“Don’t worry, I can take care of this. I told you my dad has a lot of money. I’ll invite you.”
“That’s very kind of you, but I cannot accept this. I want to pay my own expenses.”
“As you wish, Jenny. So you’re in for it?”
“Yes, I want to.”
Her face lit up, and she turned to give me a hug and kissed me on my cheeks.
She’s so amazing.
“I’ll give you a ring, okay?”
“Okay, and thank you for giving me a ride home.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN – BETRAYAL OF CONFIDENCE
“Jenny, please meet Jason,” Emilia said via the Internet.
Why the hell wasn’t she alone when she was talking with me?
The face of a good-looking guy with a three-day stubble appeared on the screen next to Emilia’s face.
“Hi Jenny, nice to meet you,” three-day stubble Jason said. “Emilia talks a lot about you.”
What the fuck? Did he just put his arm around Emilia’s shoulder?
I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest and my stomach clenched.
“Nice to meet you, Jason,” I managed to say, but didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to meet him.
“Jason and I are studying together,” Emilia said cheerily.
I didn’t want to imagine what they were studying together.
“Oh, I see,” I said with clenched teeth.
“Are you okay, Jenny?” Emilia asked.
I had forgotten that they could see me on the screen.
“Well, uh, not really, I have a stomach ache.”
“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear that,” she cooed.
“No need to be sorry, I’ll survive.”
“You’re a brave girl, Jenny, I know. Jason and I will go to a concert later, you know, a new exciting rock band with an amazing singer. There are so many here in London,” Emilia continued.
I could have slapped that stupid bitch to wipe that idiotic grin from her face.
“I’m sure it will be exciting.”
We went on like this for a while until I couldn’t stand it any longer. It was so obvious that Emilia and three-day stubble Jason were a couple or on their best way to become one.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. Let’s talk again soon,” I said.
“Oh, okay. Talk to you soon, Jenny. I hope you’ll feel better soon. Bye.”
Emilia and Jason waved into the camera before they were gone. I sat there on my desk chair, unable to move. My whole body hurt and my eyes brimmed with tears.
How could I be so stupid?
Emilia was only gone for a couple of weeks now and it was obvious that she had moved on. Her phone calls and texts had become less and less over the weeks. Sometimes she did not even reply to my messages. I should have known it. But I had trusted in her and kept the faith. But what had I expec
ted? Could I realistically have hoped that she would be faithful as well and that we could kind of continue our relationship after her return?
She’s not even a lesbian. She had said so herself.
I dropped on my bed and began to cry. I was aware we had only shared a few days and nights, but still it hurt in my heart. I had feelings for her and I felt lost and betrayed. I had kept Sherinia at a distance even though I felt attracted to her and knew she wanted me, too. But I felt a commitment to Emilia. I loved her. And now she had forsaken me for a guy. That stung even more. Had I only been a lesbian experiment for her? Was I just a little toy that one could throw away when it was no longer exciting? Was this my atonement for what I had done to other girls three years ago? But why now, after I had decided to become a better person? The more I thought about it the more desperate I became, and the more I cried.
There’s nothing left for me, I’m sad and lonely, I’m lost without you.
I got up from my bed and turned the music on. I needed something hard and heavy – I had a playlist of my favorite songs on my laptop. I played it loud and began to dance in my room and bang my head. At one point my brother knocked at the door and shouted that I should turn the volume down. I ignored it and kept on dancing and banging. Finally, my tears stopped and I felt completely exhausted.
I realized my stomach was grumbling and that I was thirsty. I unlocked my bedroom door and made my way to the kitchen. My brother’s door opened and Chris appeared.
“Hey sis, what the - ” The words died on his lips as soon as he saw me. “You look like hell. What’s the matter with you?”
The last thing I needed was to tell my younger brother anything about my suffering.
“Nothing. I’m okay.”
I turned around and walked to the kitchen. Thankfully, my mother was not at home, even though it was a workday and already after 10pm. I made a sandwich and grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge before I went back to my room.
I wondered whom I could talk to. Martin? No, I couldn’t talk to Martin. I couldn’t let him know about my affair with Emilia. Sherinia? She would understand my crush on girls and my doubts about being a lesbian. But could I let her know about Emilia and me? No, definitely not, because Emilia was her friend. But I could talk to Sherinia about it in general terms. And it would give me a pretense to call her.
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