She stiffened when she heard the patio door open. She didn’t know which of her family members to expect. She looked over to see her mother sitting down beside her; she was wrapped up in her winter coat, hat, and gloves. “I don’t understand why my children insist on sitting on this back porch in the winter.”
Gwen tried to smile, to make some vain attempt at looking like she wasn’t falling apart.
“So, Luke and his sister left.”
Gwen shrugged.
“Gwen, he’s in pain. He has suffered. He lost everything—his wife, his job, his entire life. He has paid the ultimate price and he still hasn’t forgiven himself.”
The image of him standing in front of her family, telling them what had happened made her ache. “I know. I just. I can’t look at him. I’ll never be able to look at him and forget. He’s the reason Michael and Matthew are gone. How will I ever be able to live with that?”
Her mother took her hand. “He’s not the reason. He was the other driver. He was not the reason they died. We will never know why the Lord called them home.”
She turned from her mother. She couldn’t get into this religious stuff now. There was faith and then there was…just deferring everything to God when they didn’t have the answers. “So, what, if someone gets murdered, that person isn’t accountable and it was God calling them home?”
Her mother sighed. “I don’t have all the answers, but don’t you dare try and insinuate that Matthew and Michael were murdered that night. We are hearing from a man who has blamed himself for too long. Gwen, he stopped living.”
“He admitted he was responsible.”
“And then he pulled me out of deep waters,” her mother said.
Gwen threw up her hands. “I don’t want to hear it!” She covered her ears for a moment. “How can you stand there and quote the bible to me? It was that man who ran into their car. There was no water, no one pulled anyone out. They all died.”
“I don’t think that’s what you mean to say. I don’t think you blame him for that accident at all.”
“I don’t know what I think.”
“What I think, Gwen, is that you feel very deeply for Luke. I know the deep compassion you have for people—it is one of your most admirable traits. You feel. You want to help people in need, you always have. I think you are aching for the pain that man is dealing with day in and day out. But I think the issue here is that you’re upset because he didn’t tell you the truth. Or are you upset because you doubt if he really had feelings for you and you’re now thinking back to everything he’s done and that it was all motivated by guilt and pity?”
How her mother knew this stuff was beyond her. Yes, to all of the above. She didn’t say anything for a long while, just stood there with her arms crossed, staring at her mother beside her. How many times during her childhood had her mother been right about things? How many times had she guided her and her brothers to a peaceful resolution of arguments? Heck, she’d even guided Jack into finally reconciling what had happened.
“Well, how would you feel about Luke? About welcoming him into this family?”
“He’s a good man. I know he’s a good man. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have been in Shadow Creek for half a year worrying about us, talking to us. He wouldn’t have left his home in order to ask our forgiveness. If he wasn’t a good man, he wouldn’t have lost everything. If he wasn’t a good man, he would have walked away from that accident without thinking twice about any of us. He wasn’t charged, Gwen. He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s a man who’s taken on this burden. Day in and day out that man has to live with the fact that his wife and unborn baby died, another man and child died. How does he live with that kind of guilt?”
She swiped the tears rolling down her face, knowing her mother was right. He had suffered so much.
“He told me he didn’t know how he walked out of his car that night. He had no idea how he survived his car going over that ridge. The impact of the fall should have killed him instantly.”
It was awful to think about on so many levels, but especially on the one that she loved him. “What do I do?” she asked.
“Forgive him. First in your heart, forgive him. Then go to him and tell him you forgive him as many times as it takes until he believes you, and until you’re sure he forgives himself. You’ll never have a future with him if he doesn’t believe you or if he still hasn’t forgiven himself.”
“And you would be okay with this? You’d be okay seeing him every day? What about Jack? What about Julia? How would they feel?”
“Gwen, Julia went up to him and hugged him.”
“Jack didn’t,” she said, remembering the look on her brother’s face.
“It takes him longer to process. He’ll come around, I know he will.”
She ran her hands through her hair. “I can’t be you, Mom. I can’t do what you do.” She shut her eyes as she remembered the night they’d slept together. He’d kept so much from her and she’d given him all of her, her body, her heart, her soul. “I can’t be with a man who would lie to me like that, no matter what the reasons are. He even told me he wasn’t the right man for me. He walked away.”
“You’re not being fair. Of course he doesn’t think he’s right for you—he doesn’t think he deserves you. He walked away because you turned him away and he doesn’t blame you for it.”
“Well, whatever his reasons were, I don’t think I can get past this,” she whispered. She covered her face and felt her mother’s arms come around her. For the first time in a very long time she let herself be the one who was comforted.
Chapter Eleven
Luke paused as he crossed the hospital parking lot on his way to his car. The figure standing in front of it was familiar, but not the one he was hoping to see, especially after the double shift he’d just pulled. He’d been working a lot of extra hours to not think about Gwen.
He resumed walking and waved to Jack Bailey.
“Hi,” Jack said. He didn’t know Gwen’s brother well. He did have deep respect and admiration for the man who’d risked his life to save Lily and their unborn babies. He’d first met Jack the night of the snowstorm when Jack had walked miles to get Lily to a hospital.
Jack was the only other person besides Gwen the night of his confession to not offer any forgiveness. He didn’t blame him.
Luke tossed his bag into the trunk, not saying anything, not knowing what this was about.
“You have a couple minutes?” Jack asked. His hands were in the front pockets of his jeans, his eyes, so like Gwen’s, serious.
Luke gave him a nod, bracing himself.
“I spent the last five years angry and living in my own self-imposed hell. I walked away from everyone I loved. I almost lost all of them. I blamed myself for my brother and nephew’s deaths, too.”
Luke looked down at the ground, not knowing what to say.
“I realized, way too late, that it wasn’t my fault. It was just one of those things that happens. But I was angry for a long time and I left my family. I have them all back now. I’m about to be a father. I’m not going to welcome my kids into the world holding on to anger.”
Luke looked up at him, meeting his serious gaze.
Jack gave him a nod. “Yeah. I can’t say I came to this decision quickly or on my own,” he said, the corner of his mouth turning up slightly.
Luke rubbed his hands over his jaw. “Thank you. I, uh, didn’t expect that.”
Jack shrugged. “I think you’ve blamed yourself enough, man. You’re welcome here. No one blames you. Not even me. So, if you want to date my sister…or whatever…you have my blessing.”
Luke looked down, clearing his throat. The weight he’d been carrying for so long, slowly lifting, slowly clearing. “Thank you. I don’t actually think Gwen is speaking to me right now.”
Jack cracked a smile. “Yeah, she’s pretty stubborn. She’s a softie though. She’ll come around I’m sure.”
He didn’t think so.
&nb
sp; “Give her some time. I’m sure Lily, Julia, and my mother will work on her. I will say this, if you hurt her, you’ll have me to answer to. But, even scarier than me, you’ll have her to answer to. She can fight. She holds a grudge. You will regret ever letting her down, because even worse than her best punch, is the look of disappointment in her eyes.”
His gut churned because he’d seen that look, and it had hurt.
…
One week later, Gwen was busy wallowing in self-pity when a knock at the door interrupted her miserable thoughts. She quickly pulled the two large casserole dishes from the oven and set them on the counter before answering the door.
At first her heart skipped a few beats thinking it might be Luke, but then that would just complicate things. She knew in her heart that she was going to have to go to him, but she was stalling. Did she blame him for the car accident? No. Not at all. She felt sorry for him, that he’d blamed himself all these years, that he’d tortured himself for something that was truly an accident.
So the only reason she hadn’t gone to him was the niggling self-doubt about their relationship. It bothered her that he’d kept it from her. It bothered her that it made her doubt the sincerity of his feelings toward her. She needed to make her move though. Maybe she was waiting for a sign, a final thing that would push her into action.
She hadn’t heard from him since he’d walked out of her parents’ house. She had taken all the shifts at the Chocolaterie, trying to get her mind off him but it hadn’t worked. He, obviously hadn’t been by either. In her free time she was cooking up a storm. Apparently Bri said her kids loved all her cooking, so she’d volunteered to bring over some extra freezer meals today.
She took a deep breath and opened the door. It was Haley.
“Hi, I’m so sorry for just dropping by. Can I come in?”
She held the door open for Haley and let her in. She smiled at her. “No problem. Come on in. Can I get you anything?”
Haley took off her coat and sat on the barstool at the kitchen island. “What smells so good?”
Gwen smiled at her, noticing again how similar she and Luke looked. “Oh, I’m just making some food for a friend. Do you like homemade mac ’n’ cheese?”
Her pretty face lit up. Gwen scooped a generous serving into a bowl. Haley began inhaling it. Her heart squeezed when she remembered Luke doing the same thing a couple weeks ago. He had tried to avoid a relationship. Now all of his weird standoffish behavior made sense. “How are you doing?”
Haley smiled and wiped her mouth. “I’m okay, except my brother is driving me insane.”
Her stomach toppled around. “Oh, really?”
Haley nodded. “He’s moping. Then he’s working. Then he comes home and mopes some more. He hasn’t even wanted to eat pizza. I actually think I’m going to leave for a few days. Maybe visit friends and give him some space.”
Gwen crossed her arms. “I…uh, have been meaning to go see him.”
Haley let out a dramatic gust of air and dragged her fork around the bowl, trying to snag some cheese remnants. “Oh thank God. Seriously, he’s a disaster without you.”
She really shouldn’t feel happiness. “Really?”
Haley leaned forward, nodding repeatedly. “He loves you so much.”
Tears stung her eyes. “I don’t know why it took me so long to see him. I don’t blame him for the accident, Haley. I hate thinking that he believes that.”
“Because you’re worried he pitied you. I get that. Totally. I even tried explaining it to him, but he didn’t get it. He’s…I totally get why you’re mad at him. But, Gwen…” Her voice trailed and her eyes filled with tears. “You don’t know. You don’t know what he’s been through, how he’s tortured himself. I didn’t think I’d ever get my brother back, but seeing him with you, you brought him back. You made him think he deserved another chance. Now…I know he wants to leave Shadow Creek for good. He looks like he used to before he met you and it’s killing me to see him like this.”
Gwen handed her a tissue and grabbed one for herself. She didn’t know what to say to Haley, but she knew she needed to get to him. She had stayed silent long enough. She knew in her heart that Luke was a good man. Maybe she’d known all along…from her first encounter with her Muffin Man, she’d known he was special. He didn’t deserve to feel any more pain. He needed to know she didn’t blame him. “Okay…I’m going to shower and then go see him.”
“Perfect!” Haley said, bouncing off the chair and standing. “I’m going to visit a friend for the weekend and I’ll get out of your hair.”
She shook her head. “Oh, don’t feel like you need to leave on my account.”
Haley waved a hand. “No, seriously, I’m leaving because he needs a break from me…or I need a break from him,” she said with a laugh. She leaned forward and gave her a quick hug. “Good luck!”
…
Luke opened the door, ready to chastise his sister for forgetting her keys again, but blinked as he saw Gwen standing there.
A little piece of heaven on his doorstep.
He wasn’t so naïve to believe that she was there to forgive him, so he didn’t think about that. Instead he just looked at her. She was more beautiful than he remembered. Staying away from her this week had been a new kind of hell for him; thinking about her hating him had almost been too much to handle. But she was there now, her shiny hair blowing around her with the wind. Her dark eyes were filled with secrets, but no blame, no hatred for him.
“Hi,” she finally said. “I brought you a giant dish of mac ’n’ cheese as a peace offering.”
He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat and stepped into her, the casserole dish between them. Her head tilted back and her eyes were shiny, and he spoke the only words that he could muster up. “God, baby, I don’t need a peace offering, I don’t need a damn thing in this world except you.” He leaned down and kissed her, capturing her sigh, her essence. He kissed her with all his regrets, his love, and his gratitude. He kissed her, knowing he was never going to lose her again.
When the stupid casserole dish almost fell because she raised her hands to clutch his shoulders, he broke the kiss. She came inside and he placed the dish on the hall table.
“I was coming here to tell you that I love you and I don’t blame you. I know it was an accident. You have to forgive yourself, Luke.”
He shut his eyes and finally allowed forgiveness to come to him. It had been a long time. But the woman wrapped up in his arms, the woman he’d almost lost, was offering him her heart and he knew to make it okay he was going to have to forgive himself. “Thank you,” he whispered, leaning forward to kiss her again. He unbuttoned her coat while he kissed her and what started as a slow and poignant kiss became frantic. They began a mad dash for clothes removal in between kisses.
“Your sister isn’t coming back for a while,” she said as he backed her up against the door and locked it.
He kissed the soft spot just below her ear, smiling as she shivered. “Oh, that’s good. I was planning on locking her out since she always forgets her keys.”
Gwen laughed against his mouth. “That’s awful.”
“I know. Now I won’t have to feel awful and great at the same time.” He had her clothes off in record time and she managed the same with him.
“Wait,” she whispered before he kissed her again.
He stopped, looking down at her.
“This time,” she said, raising her hands to frame his face. “This time we do this, I want you to know how much I love you, Luke. All of you. Your past, your present. The man you are today. I love you.”
He squeezed his eyes shut as gratitude shook him. Gwen was life’s biggest gift to him. She’d dragged him out of the hell he’d been living in and given him a new life. He leaned down and kissed her, vowing to show her, with his lips, his body, his hands, just how much he adored her.
…
Gwen woke up sometime during the night very aware that she was somewhere wa
rm and safe. Sure enough, she opened her eyes and Luke was under her. He smiled at her. She realized she’d never get tired of looking at him. Her Muffin Man was even more gorgeous than she thought that first day she’d met him. Now, knowing who he really was, knowing what he’d been through, made him so much more beautiful to her.
“Have you been awake this whole time?”
He shrugged as a smile tugged at the corner of his gorgeous mouth. “It’s a bit difficult to sleep with you lying on top of me.”
“Oh,” she whispered, her eyes going to his mouth. “You’re very toasty.”
He choked out a laugh. “So are you.”
“So what happens now, Luke?”
He grinned, a slow, sexy grin. “What do you want to happen now?”
She laughed. “I mean, what do we do about all our problems? You’re leaving.”
“Haley said she’ll stay in Shadow Creek if I will.”
“Wow.” She didn’t want to ask what that meant.
“I want to stay, Gwen. I want to stay with you,” he said, his hands coming up to frame her face. “Wherever you are, I am. If you’re sure that’s what you want. If you’re sure that you can look at me and not see me as the reason for your brother and nephew’s death.”
The question coupled with the vulnerability in such a strong, masculine face, made her chest ache. She felt so badly for making him think that she blamed him. Her eyes filled with tears. “You weren’t responsible. You weren’t. I don’t blame you. No one blames you. You are a good man. Your wife, your baby…I know you,” she whispered. In that sweet way of hers, she looked at him, placing her hand on his heart. “I know the real you. You have a good heart.”
He squeezed his eyes shut as she pressed her lips to his chest, his heart beating painfully. He was ready to accept her faith in him, in their future, in the person she believed him to be.
The Doctor's Redemption (Shadow Creek, Montana) Page 14