by Tessa Bailey
One minute, he’d been standing in his room ready to go, wearing a suit and everything. Might have even psyched himself up for a dance or two. Then he’d caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the way out. The next thing he knew, he was ordering a double whiskey, neat. One-Eyed Jack, no less, as if irony could be appreciated when he felt like he’d been run over by a semi truck. That suited man in the mirror wasn’t him. It would never be him. Despite what Colton believed, he couldn’t make a girl like Julie happy. She’d been right, back in the woods. He wasn’t capable of more. Thanks to his past, he had no example to go on, either. Knowing her, she would work double time trying to give them a fighting chance. Watching her spin her wheels would make him miserable when nothing she did would be effective anyway.
He would be her biggest failure.
As a child, he’d seen firsthand what a damaged man could do to a woman. He’d watched his mother fade into nothing with each passing day at the abusive hands of his father. Back then, he’d been too young to do anything about it. He had no choice but to do something about it now. To let go of this ridiculous idea that Julie belonged to him and walk away. Ensure she didn’t meet the same fate as his mother and leave her intact. Because God knew he was damaged—every scar on his body told that tale—while Julie went around doling out happiness to everyone she crossed paths with. If he dulled that part of her, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. Damn it, why hadn’t he done this before he let himself consider the idea of keeping her? How could he bear it?
A perfectly manicured hand slapped down on the bar in front of him, rattling the cage he’d built around himself.
“Hey. Asshole.”
He looked up into the face of one truly pissed-off Regan. Good, he’d love a fight. Anything to take away this horrible dread he couldn’t shake. He turned in his stool and gave her an imposing look he usually reserved for his team. “Come again?”
Regan didn’t so much as blink. “Oh, I think you heard me.”
“No shit. I’m giving you a chance to rephrase.”
She looked disgusted with him. Join the club. “You know, I really misjudged you, Reed. And I don’t misjudge people. Ever.” A glance toward the door. “Although apparently it’s a week for firsts.”
“Is there a point to this?”
“There’s always a point when I’m talking.” She actually poked him in the chest. “That first night, I saw something in you I thought would be good for my friend. I trusted my gut and switched that room key. You really let me down. Worse, you let the most genuine woman either one of us knows down.”
Pain broke through the numbness. I let her down. Fuck, I let her down. “Then it looks like you both saw something that wasn’t there. I never promised her anything. Do I look like the white picket fence type to you?”
“No. You look like a coward.”
She looked a little surprised at her own outburst, but it didn’t compare to the blast of anger he felt hearing the truthfulness behind that word. The anger was directed solely at himself. How he’d chosen to handle the situation. Running to a bar just like his father would have done. What sense did that make when he’d pushed Julie away so he wouldn’t become his old man and ruin her? His actions had accomplished just that.
Regan wasn’t finished, though. Part of him wanted her to keep going. Jesus, he deserved it. “This has been a waste of my time,” she said. “Leaving her standing there all alone without a partner was the nail in your coffin. I’ll never forgive you for what I saw on her face today.”
The air left his lungs, a vicious pounding starting in his temples. He thought of his girl standing there watching everyone else dance, when she’d been the one to plan the whole damn thing, and he wanted to break something. Lots of somethings. Oh God, he’d been sitting here so mired in his own bullshit, he’d forgotten today was the anniversary of Serena’s death. “Where is she? Is she okay?”
“Oh no, the Regan help line is hanging up now. You’re on your own.”
The words hadn’t finished leaving Regan’s mouth before Reed jumped to his feet. He needed to find Julie. Needed to touch her, to fix what he’d broken. This overwhelming anguish he felt at the idea of her in pain told him something important. It told him beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would kill himself making sure she never felt that way again by his hand. No matter what it took. Setting aside his demons, opening up about his past…hell, even cuddling. If she gave him a chance, he wouldn’t screw it up. The alternative, living with the gaping emptiness he felt now, the emptiness she’d filled this week, wasn’t a possibility anymore.
Before he could haul ass to Julie’s room and demand to be let inside, he forced himself to slow down. He wasn’t about to raid an Atlanta drug den, he was convincing a woman to let him love her. Shouting at her through a door wouldn’t cut it. Not after how badly he’d failed.
How do you fix this, Reed? This time it counts.
Think.
…
An hour later, Reed took a slow, steadying breath and knocked on Julie’s door. His determined knock echoed the one in his chest. In his line of work, getting through doors was what he did best. This might be his hardest job yet, because once he got through this door, he had another one to get through. And no amount of brute force or commands would work on the second one. He listened for movement on the other side and heard none. Before he could panic, a shadow moved across the peephole, disappearing just as quickly. Relief at having her so close turned to desperation when the door stayed shut.
“Pixie, let me in.”
Her muffled sigh poured over him. “Please just leave. We’ve said everything that needed saying.”
The finality in her voice almost sent him to his knees. “I haven’t. Not by a damn sight. Open the door for me, baby.”
Something hit the door. Her head, he suspected. “I’m trying to make this easy for you.”
“Fuck easy.”
“We’re too different. This never would have worked.”
Reed laid his palms flat on the door, his pulse kicking up a notch. “Would have worked, Julie?” Hope flared. Hope that he might have a chance. “Did you…had you considered it? Us?”
For long moments, all he got was silence. “Yes. I thought about how it would be a disaster. I thought about how you would belittle the things that I consider important. Just like you’ve done since the wedding started. All those events you ridiculed and made a joke out of? I planned them. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ll always do, Reed. I make things pretty. And you hate pretty.”
“Jesus, pixie…please, stop.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t like hearing how I hurt you. That I…would hurt you. I don’t like it.”
To his utter shock, the door eased open. Julie stood framed by light, looking so fragile and beautiful he stopped breathing, afraid he might interrupt that beauty. There was more, though. She had fire in her eyes, as if she’d finally reached the end of her fraying rope. Damn it, he should have been there to catch her when it snapped. “Reed, if you came here to get me into bed, t-to prove some stupid point, you should know I’ve already taken out a potted plant today and I’m working my way up to something bigger. I—” Her gaze shot wide as it traveled down his body. “Why are you wearing a tuxedo?”
Jesus, he was sweating. At least he’d diverted her anger. “The bet we made. At the scavenger hunt.” He relaxed slightly when recognition dawned on her face, followed by confusion. “I told you I won, which was true.” His voice went husky, and he held out his hand. “I wouldn’t trade the prize that followed for anything. But I consider making you happy the bigger win, Julie. I wanted to…show you that.”
Julie stared at his outstretched hand for what seemed like an eternity. When she finally took it, cool, slim fingers slipped through his larger ones, locking them together. The stiffness in his shoulders relaxed just slightly. He wanted to pull her into his arms, but judging from her wary gaze, it would send her packing. It didn’t stop the urge from gripping h
im. She looked stressed out. His body knew how to relieve that stress. His nature demanded he distract her from her troubles the only way he knew how. But his brain, and yeah, his heart, told him it wouldn’t work this time.
Jesus, that scared the hell out of him.
Reed did his best to calm the rising fear as they walked past the lobby area and wound down another hallway. At the very end, he pushed open a heavy wooden door leading to the solarium he’d found earlier after his head-clearing walk. He breathed a mental sigh of relief to find it empty, save the plush furniture and bookcases full of reading material. Rain pelted the glass ceiling, the reason he’d specifically chosen this particular room to bring Julie. He closed the door behind them, locked it, and watched her wander through the room, taking it in. Even he, who admittedly didn’t know a damn thing about romance, could appreciate the atmosphere. Soft lamplight, the smell of leather, no sound except the falling rain. Even so, her stiff posture remained. He took a deep breath and waited for her to see the blanket and deck of cards he’d laid out in front of the window.
Julie paused at the edge of the flannel. “What’s this?”
“I...uh…” He crossed to her, sat down on the floor. “I thought we could play go fish. Since it’s raining outside and all.”
Reed could feel her staring at the top of his head, but he couldn’t look up at her, instead busying himself shuffling the deck of cards he’d purchased at the gift shop. Damn it, he’d put himself out there with this plan. It could very well be all wrong. Who’s to say she wanted to remember her sister this way? Doing something they, as sisters, had shared exclusively? Who’s to say she wanted him to be a part of that? Reed braced for the worst, fearing her rejection. If she walked out now, he didn’t know if he’d recover. So he waited. When she plopped down in front of him, shifting slowly into a cross-legged position, he couldn’t prevent a tiny sigh of relief from escaping.
When he started to deal the cards, Julie stopped him with a hand on his. “Wait.” Her voice sounded husky. “I have to cut the deck. With my eyes closed. It’s tradition.”
“Okay.”
Their gazes locked for a heavy moment, before her eyelids slid down to cover the blue eyes he missed immediately. She lifted the top half of the deck, nodding to indicate he should place the bottom half over it, which Reed did before taking back the deck. He didn’t take his eyes off her the entire time. Couldn’t. She looked so incredibly soft sitting in the dim light, shadows cast by the swaying trees outside playing over her face. With her dress spread out around her on the floor, looking like something out of a fairy tale, it took every ounce of Reed’s willpower not to drag her across the blanket. As a child, he’d never had quiet moments like this. It struck him then that while he’d arranged this for her, to commemorate the anniversary of Serena’s passing, it seemed to be filling some long-empty void inside him as well.
“You’re not allowed to let me win. Serena always let me win.”
Reed thought for a moment. “How do you throw a game of go fish? It all depends on the cards you’re dealt.”
Julie picked up the cards Reed tossed in front of her. “She’d ask me for cards she knew I didn’t have. Cards she already held, I suppose. I’d tell her to ‘go fish’ so many times, she’d have her whole hand full after five turns. I’d always run out first.” She smoothed her hand over the blanket. “I knew the whole time, but I never said anything. I liked winning. Isn’t that silly? Two girls sitting there, playing a pointless game when the outcome had already been determined?”
When her breath hitched on the last word, he knew she was rambling to hide her emotions. Again, he quashed the need to comfort physically and focused on what she’d said. “It’s not silly. You were both giving each other what you needed. The game was just an excuse to accomplish that.”
Julie frowned, shook her head. “I’m the one who got to win. What did Serena get out of it?”
“She got to spend time with you.” Her eyes widened in a way Reed couldn’t interpret. The reaction made him want to backpedal. Make a joke. But he heard Colton in his head. Tell her what you’re thinking, even if it sounds stupid. He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Why do you think she loved the rain so much, pixie? It meant spending time with her little sister.”
Chapter Seventeen
Julie stared across the blanket at Reed, his words hanging in the air between them. A dozen thoughts swam in her mind at once. I must not have been that terrible after all. If Serena suffered through rainstorms and boring card games just to be with me. She’d had no idea until this moment that most of her insecurities stemmed from her distorted view of their times together. Her guilt had warped her point of view over the years. At that moment, instead of remembering her own whining and complaining during the card games, memories of them laughing hysterically, sharing confidences, pigging out on caramel corn, rolled through her consciousness as if projected on a movie screen. The rain pelting the glass in the quiet room made the memories come alive. She’d forgotten the good Serena brought out in her, only recognizing where she lacked. Where she differed from the perfection of her sister’s memory.
Was it possible she’d been selling herself short? Was she enough on her own? Just the mere possibility felt like lead weights toppling from her shoulders.
Julie came back to herself then, her surroundings returning in sharp focus. Reed, tuxedo-wearing Reed, watched her silently, a handful of cards tapping against his polished wingtip shoe, face partially obscured by shadows. Not shadowed enough for her to miss the intensity of his expression. He looked almost harsh in his attractiveness. The elegant attire suited him too well. She was suddenly thankful he didn’t wear suits and ties to work like the other men. He’d be beating the women off with a stick.
Her gaze dropped to the blanket they sat on, one he’d put here specifically for her. To help her remember Serena. Such a simple gesture, and yet he would never know the impact it had. He’d started the ball rolling with his speech in the forest, and now for the first time in four years, breathing came easy. She didn’t feel that insatiable need to find a task to occupy her mind, to relentlessly prove her worth. Could just sit there and be. With Reed. Yes, she wanted so badly to be with Reed. For as long as she could.
“Julie, I’m starting to get worried over here.”
Laughter bubbled up in her throat as she launched herself across the blanket. Into his arms. He closed them around her tightly, releasing a shaky sigh against her neck.
“Thank you. For this.”
“Oh, good.” His body eased of tension. “You like it.”
“Yes. Of course.” She inhaled Reed’s scent from his collar. “I love it.”
When his fingers slid through her hair and pulled her back to meet his gaze, Julie leaned into his touch. Drawn to it. Craving it. Her mind, suddenly clear of gray fog, was on a high. At that moment, it became imperative that Reed share it with her. This man she cared about. This man who obviously cared about her to some degree, as well. Whatever their differences, whatever the future held, she needed him so badly her hands began to shake with the need to be touched. His hard body hummed with life beneath her, solid and warm. He felt her transformation. She could tell. The rise and fall of his chest gave him away, the way his mouth opened on her neck, hands tightening on her lower back.
“Reed,” she murmured, finding his mouth, throwing every ounce of feeling within her body into the kiss. At the same time, her hands gripped his lapels and dragged the jacket from his broad shoulders. “I need you.”
“You have me, baby.” He watched her nimble fingers work his buttons with hot, anticipation-filled eyes. “You fucking have me.”
“Here.” She ripped open his shirt, revealing a rigid wall of muscle. “I need you right here.”
“Christ. Anywhere.” His hands slid up her thighs to disappear beneath her dress. Julie whimpered when he pressed his middle finger through the silk of her panties into her opening. She could feel the material grow damp as the heel of h
is hand ground over her clitoris. “You’re going to take me right here. All of me. Where you’re so tight and hot it makes me angry. Aren’t you, baby?”
“Yes.” Julie’s head fell back in surrender. With her current sharp focus, she could practically feel everything click into place with his demands. Reasons didn’t matter. Only the sense of completion she felt when he took her over. “I’m going to take you. Where I’m t-tight.”
Reed tore her panties, groaning a harsh sound. “Unzip my pants. I want to see myself in your hand.” She lowered his fly and his erection came free, thick and ready. Biting her lip to keep from moaning, she gripped him in her hand and stroked him root to tip. Reed threw back his head and growled at the ceiling. “That’s my girl. Now guide me between your legs. I’m going to go fucking crazy watching you put me where you need me. You’re clenching tighter just thinking about me filling you. Aren’t you?”
Her thoughts blurred momentarily, then crystalized, centered on the pulse beating at the juncture of her thighs. His erection felt hard and heavy in her hand. With a moan of pleasure, she dragged him through the wetness at her core, circling the head around the bundle of nerves pleading for satisfaction. She took the condom he offered from his pocket and rolled it down his length quickly. The undeniable need to encourage him assailed her. To let him know the effect he had on her body in the way she knew he needed. Eyes locked with his, she sank her teeth into her lower lip. “I want to ride it hard, Reed. Tell me to ride it hard.”
He took her chin between his thumb and index finger, tipping her face toward him. “Hard is the only way you ride it. Ever. Is that clear, Julie?”
She lowered herself onto him in answer, gasping at the delicious fullness. Her shaking thighs tightened around his waist until she got used to his size, then her hips began to rock. Hands clutching his shoulders for balance, she spread her thighs wide, bucking and swiveling mindlessly. Ceasing to think. His name became a litany on her lips, interrupted only when his fingers dug into the flesh of her ass so roughly she cried out. Her orgasm blasted through her in a rush, strengthening her even as it weakened her muscles and limbs.