Mary nodded.
“He says he loves me.”
Mary clapped her hands. “Lovely.”
Dora shook her head again. “Not lovely. He wants me to marry him and go with him to stake out a homestead in the Wild West.”
“Yes?” Mary waved her hands impatiently.
“That’s just it. I can’t go west with him.”
“Why ever not?”
“I’m as far west as I plan to go.”
Mary shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
Dora stared at her. “He’s a cowboy with a head full of dreams and pockets full of dust. And a gilded tongue to boot. But you, of all people, should know why
I can’t go.
Her eyes narrowing, Mary studied Dora. “Are you referring to the life you lived out on the farm before you came to town?”
Dora’s lips tightened. “I could never live like that again. I won’t have people feeling sorry for me.”
Mary jerked back. “Sorry? Who feels sorry for you? Or your family? As far as I know, your father is a respected man. He’s worked hard and has every right to be proud. What makes you say that?”
Dora shrugged. “It’s just that life is so uncertain. Sometimes you get a crop and have money. Other times you don’t know how you’ll survive. And life is so barren.”
Mary smiled. “Enjoyment is a state of mind.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Don’t you realize that even the most mundane things become events if your heart is happy and whole?”
“It’s hard to be happy when life is so uncertain.” Dora shook her head, unable to fathom how Mary could be so obtuse when she was generally so agreeable.
Mary continued. “I don’t understand. A preacher’s life is uncertain. We’ll never have much. Some days we don’t have enough for the next week. Some would say we depend on other people for our survival. Of course we don’t. We depend on
God.” She drew herself up stiffly. “Do you feel sorry for us?”
Dora sighed. “Of course not. But you’re so happy; why would anyone feel sorry for you?”
Mary nodded. “That’s it exactly. We’re happy anyway. Our circumstances don’t dictate how we feel.”
Miserable, Dora studied her fingernails. How could she explain how she felt when her emotions were a tangle of fear and reluctance and resolve? She had vowed never to make the kind of mistakes her parents had made—risking everything for a bit of land; facing disaster, failure, and hunger for the right to own one miserable quarter section.
As Dora prepared to leave, Mary looked troubled. “I fear you are clutching too hard to a security that is an illusion. Who can say that life in town will always be so pleasant? Besides, it is always a meaningless sacrifice to forgo love and cling to shallow substitutes.”
Dora frowned. It was easy for Mary to talk. From the time she’d seen Luke, she’d known what she wanted.
Mary, having read her expression, hugged her arm. “I don’t mean to give you pat answers. I’ll pray God will guide your steps.”
Dora hurried home. As she rounded the last corner, she strained to catch a glimpse of light coming from the window of Josh’s room. Only blackness greeted her. Dora’s steps faltered. Even though she had refused his offer, she hadn’t expected him to simply disappear.
With heavy feet, she climbed the steps to her house.
The next morning she entered Doc’s house as he rushed out. “Our young man has not returned.” Doc shook his head. “I don’t understand these modern young people.”
Dora watched him hurry down the steps then turned her attention to the day’s work. She spent a few minutes in Josh’s room straightening the bed and rearranging the articles. She barely had time to clean the office before there was a burst of activity. The day was busy with a rash of broken bones and some minor injuries from children recklessly enjoying the freedom of spring.
But despite the busyness, the tightness around Dora’s heart intensified with each passing hour. She hurried from the last patient to the kitchen and began supper, cooking a large pot of potatoes and frying an extra steak, all the while refusing to admit that she expected Josh to walk in at any moment.
Mrs. Mac came into the kitchen. “Where is Josh? I haven’t seen him all day.”
Her voice echoed the impatience of Dora’s heart. Poor Mrs. Mac. Josh had brought a ray of sunshine to her life. Now he was gone. Disguising her own disappointment and concern, she answered gently, “He told Doc he was going for a ride. I expect he’ll be back soon.”
“That was yesterday. He should have been back long ago.” She perched on the edge of her chair. “Something must have happened to the poor boy. I know it.”
Dora grabbed the back of a chair as pain shot through her. Could he be injured? “Not again,” she whispered, remembering his condition such a short while ago.
“Did you say something, lassie?”
“I was only thinking aloud.”
“Care to share your thoughts with an old lady?” Mrs. Mac waggled her eyebrows.
Dora smiled. “I don’t think you would want to hear my muddled thoughts.”
Mrs. Mac snorted, and Dora knew she was waiting for her to say more, but she turned the steaks again and checked the potatoes without adding to her comment.
Doc came into the room and pulled out a chair. They were all waiting for Josh’s appearance.
Finally, Doc sighed loudly. “I expect we might as well go ahead without him.”
The three of them had little to say as Dora dished up the food.
“Perhaps he’s decided he feels well enough to continue his journey,” Doc said. “Though I would have thought he would say farewell.” He paused then added, “I suppose he will write when he settles and have us send his things.”
Doc’s words echoed as Dora returned to her house to prepare for choir practice. Josh had left without saying good-bye. It hurt, even though she realized it was for the best.
Choir was one of her greatest pleasures. She loved music, and she found tremendous enjoyment in blending her voice with the others. At least she had until tonight, she thought after she missed another note.
One of the young married women asked the group to her home for refreshments following practice, and Dora agreed despite the ache inside. After all, she reasoned, wasn’t social activity one of the reasons she insisted she had to live in town? But the chatter and noise made her head ache, and she slipped away early, pleading tiredness. She returned to her home to spend another troubled night.
The next morning, she stepped into Doc’s kitchen and blinked. Mrs. Mac was up and dressed, eating toast with her husband.
“Did you notice the May Day tree?” she asked happily. “It’s in blossom.”
Dora stopped in her tracks. It had become a tradition to measure the seasons by the trees and flowers. The May Day tree was their spring marker. When the tree blossomed with its fragrant white flowers, they all agreed spring had officially arrived. Dora had watched for days, hoping to be the first to spot the blooms. She thought she had an advantage, for she passed the tree each morning. But she had walked by this morning without seeing the tree or even noticing the scent. She shook her head. She must have been half-asleep.
The day, although busy, passed slowly. Dora tried to tell herself that she had accepted Josh’s leaving. But as she rubbed her aching brow, she wished she could convince her heart.
By evening she wanted nothing but to crawl into bed and cover up her head. Still, her thoughts kept sleep at bay.
Since she moved to town, life had been full of enjoyment and peace. Then Josh arrived. Now everything seemed hollow.
She should never have allowed herself to fall in love with him, and she vowed she would dismiss him from her thoughts. But try as she might, she was unable to erase thoughts of him from her mind. Words circled inside her head. Security. Trust. Risk. Faith.
What did she want? A safe place free of fear? Fear had been ever present on the f
arm. Yet deep down she knew that, among her family, only she had felt that gut-wrenching worry about what they’d eat and how they’d live. More than once Mother had assured her, “We don’t have a lot, but we’ll get by. And things will get better.”
But she hadn’t stopped agonizing until she got her job with Doc and found this house.
Security is not found in a place, position, or possessions—but in God.
The words bolted into her mind. Where had she heard them? Luke, of course. What else had he said? Something about faith being revealed by one’s choices. But did taking risks prove one’s faith?
She was certain it did not. Still, she was forced to admit that refusing to take risks didn’t reveal faith either. God had provided this situation for her in answer to her prayers. And it was warm and cozy. Like a cocoon.
She bolted upright in bed.
It was true. She was trusting her situation for security. No longer did she cry out to God to meet her needs. She shivered, feeling suddenly lost.
But God hadn’t changed. She had. She took a deep breath and lay back down. She was glad of this reminder of what she truly believed. Security was found in God alone.
God, I don’t know what’s right anymore. I thought I was right to appreciate what You have provided. But I fear that I am finding it too comfortable and not as enjoyable as I once thought. I love Josh and miss him already. Are You leading me into a new adventure? Is my lack of faith keeping me from considering the life of a pioneer wife? God, please bring him back.
She lay quietly for a moment and let her anxiety ease away. A new resolve grew within her. Wherever God led her, she would contentedly go. Even if it meant leaving town, this house, and the job she had come to love.
Her heartbeat quickened, and she pressed her palms to her chest as she admitted that which she had been pushing away: to share a new life with Josh would not require one ounce of sacrifice.
Still, it was too late to think of such a thing. She’d thrown away her chance with Josh. If only she hadn’t been so blind. She’d learned her lesson too late. An aching hollowness echoed through her thoughts.
With the dawn of a new day, she crossed the street and headed up the path to Doc’s house. A white petal on the ground caught her attention, and she tipped her head to see the May Day tree in a garment of white, heavy-scented blossoms. But the scent triggered no answering song in her heart. The branches were full of birds exulting in spring, but there was no response in her heart. Spring had lost her song, when only a few days ago creation had rung with music and happiness.
She moaned. Without Josh, life lay before her muted and bland. Turning away, she slowly climbed the steps, her head dipped close to her chest.
Dora entered the sickroom, and she crossed to the bedpost where Josh’s saddlebags hung. With trembling fingers she caressed the smooth leather, hungrily breathing in the scent.
Perhaps he would return for his belongings.
The next day, when afternoon office hours were almost over, a young boy clamored in from outside and ran to where his mother sat, waiting to see the doctor. “Mom, guess what? A man just rode up to the sheriff’s with two men tied up in ropes. They sure looked mad, too.”
Dora smiled at his enthusiasm, knowing that the activity of town was new and exciting for the boy.
Shortly, Dora announced to Doc, “That’s the last of today’s patients.” But before she finished speaking, she heard the clatter of boots on the steps.
Doc groaned. “Not quite, lassie.”
The door flung open, and Dora gasped. Josh stood facing them, breathing hard.
Dora knew her mouth hung open, but she couldn’t stop staring. Nor could she find her voice.
Josh’s gaze held Dora’s until she thought she was drowning in something unfamiliar—yet comforting. Doc broke the spell as he spoke. “We thought you had headed west, my boy.”
Josh blinked and turned to face the older man. “Sorry about that, Doc. I hadn’t planned to ride away without so much as a good-bye.”
Dora couldn’t stop looking at Josh. She noted the smudge of dirt along one cheek, the white sun-squint creases that radiated from his eyes, and the way the sun had frosted his eyelashes. And then she was looking into his warm brown eyes again, lost in a thousand sensations that sent her heart rocketing from height to depth. Seeking equilibrium, she tried to tear her gaze away but found she could not. She knew this unsettled state would last until she could explain how she’d changed her mind.
What if Josh has changed his mind as well? The painful thought caused her chest to tighten until she could barely breathe.
“I went out to ride and think, but I soon discovered that I wasn’t alone on the road. I caught sight of the two men who had robbed me.” Josh continued to watch Dora. “I was near certain that they weren’t following me, but I decided to round up the varmints and bring them to justice.” He shrugged. “It took longer than I expected to circle round and get the drop on them.” At his crooked grin, a tremble raced across Dora’s shoulders.
Doc harumphed. “I best go see how Mrs. Mac is doing. She’ll be glad to know you’re back.” He turned on his heel and left the room.
Dora took a deep breath. God had blessed her with another opportunity, and she wasn’t going to waste it. But before she could speak, Josh stepped closer.
“I had plenty of time to think while I was gone,” he began. Josh’s eyes darkened as he studied her face with a hunger that made her cheeks warm. She swallowed hard, hopelessly trying to corral her thoughts. The power of his nearness turned her emotions into a tumult. She held her breath for a moment, trying to slow the quivering of her insides long enough to say the words she’d practiced half the night.
Josh looked down at his hands. The sudden loss of his gaze gave her a rash of goose bumps. Then he looked once more into her eyes, his expression so serious she could feel her pulse under her tongue.
“I don’t want to go anywhere without you. Doesn’t matter how pretty the country is—without you it is nothing.” He paused, and the silence thundered in her ears. “I’ve decided to get a job in town and live here.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “That is, if you meant it when you said you loved me.”
He would give up his dream for her! He was willing to live in town!
She caressed the idea for a moment and found that it gave her no pleasure. God had surely done a work in her heart. A glow began somewhere behind her heart and radiated to her toes, her fingers, her face. It made her want to laugh and cry and shout all at the same time.
“I meant it when I said I love you, Josh.” Her voice shook. “But I don’t care where we live or what you do.” She grinned as his eyes grew round.
“I don’t understand.”
Her smile widened. “I’ve had plenty of time to think as well. And I prayed that God would give me another chance to tell you—I will go with you to the farthest mountains if you still want me….”
He didn’t wait for her to finish but wrapped her in a hug and swung her off the floor, yelling, “Yahoo!” She was gasping when he set her on her feet, his arms still circling her. He dipped his head in order to look into her face. “Are you sure about this?”
“As sure as can be. I realized life in town was a life of quiet desperation if it meant giving up the love of a lifetime.” She had learned so much more, and someday she’d tell him. Someday, but not now.
He nodded, still serious. “Even so, I’m willing to live in town. I don’t want you to be unhappy.”
She shook her head. “That is not necessary.” She realized she had turned a corner in her thinking and was no longer afraid to face change or even uncertainty. Excitement replaced her fear.
“I don’t want to miss the adventure of a lifetime.”
His arms tightened, pressing her to his chest. She rested her face against his dusty shirt, listening to the steady beat of his heart. With warm fingers he tipped her head back.
“Dora Grant, I love you with all my heart. Will you marry
me and make my life complete?”
She smiled up at him, listening to the song in her heart. “Josh Rivers, I love you more than anything, and I will marry you and follow you to the ends of the earth. Your love is my song.”
He laughed low in his throat. “We’ll only go as far as the foothills.” Sobering quickly, he added. “I will sing you a love song every day.”
She sighed and placed her ear against his chest again so that she could hear his heart. “This is my love song …,” she whispered. As was his smile, his voice, his touch. Each new day with Josh would bring a fresh love song.
He caught her chin in his palm and turned her face upward. “I love you so much, Dora.” His lips, warm and possessive, found hers. She tangled her fingers in the curls at the back of his neck, letting her kiss say what her heart felt.
He lifted his head. “Ah, my sweet, sweet Dora. I can’t imagine life without you.” Their gazes sought and held each other for many long moments before he stepped away, catching her hand. “I’ve something to show you.” He drew her to the sickroom and snagged his saddlebags from the end of the bed. Flipping them onto the quilt, he dug into his trousers pocket for a knife. He flicked open the blade and jabbed it into the side of a saddlebag, ripping open the seam.
Dora gasped as a false back opened up and paper money spilled forth.
Josh stood back and grinned, his hands on his hips. “This is what those men were after. There’s more in the other bag. More than enough to build a house and start a herd of the best English cows.” He sobered, studying her closely. “I thought about what you said—how some people risk everything and sometimes lose it. And you’re right. So I propose to put half of this in a bank account as our nest egg. That way, should disaster strike, we’ll have enough to start over.”
She wanted to say that such a plan wasn’t necessary; they could depend on
God, but she knew he was right. Her heart was ready to burst. Barely able to speak, she whispered, “You are a very wise man. No wonder I love you.”
His lips warm and gentle, he kissed her again. Then he pulled away and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go tell Doc and Mrs. Mac.”
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