“And then you. Jesus Christ, I don’t even know what to say to you. You start off tellin’ me that shit about Shane and then tell me it’s what you’ve thought about all day and realize you want it too. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel? It’s like you were standing on the edge of a cliff afraid to jump and Shane had to push you.”
“That’s not how it was,” he growls.
“Don’t fucking growl at me!” I shout.
“I’m tryin’ to keep my shit together. Give me a little latitude.”
I remain silent with a brow raised.
“Yes, it was Shane’s suggestion and no, I wasn’t thinkin’ about plannin’ a family seriously before he said it this morning. We already had sex and knew there was a risk of you gettin’ pregnant. We fuckin’ talked about this shit. I told you then I didn’t care if you ended up pregnant. I still don’t.”
“You’re movin’ between two things that have nothing to do with each other. If we get pregnant because we’re together and it just happens that’s one thing. Doin’ it intentionally for the op is another. The fact that you don’t see the difference is a fucking issue above and beyond the rest of this mess.”
“I don’t want this for the op,” he argues ardently.
“No? That’s not what it sounded like. It sounded like you found a way in on the op and decided it fit in with your plans so why not.”
“You’re twisting this shit in a way that it doesn’t need to be,” he grumbles.
“How the fuck would you see it from my point of view? Think about it for a minute. I find out that a person I thought was my best friend just asked my…whatever you are…‘boyfriend’ to get me pregnant for the op. That on its own is gut-wrenching. Then I find out I can use the baby to get out of the DCA because my friend doesn’t give a shit about me enough to just talk to me and let me know I deserve more on my own terms. Then my boyfriend has a convenient epiphany that he wants that whole life with me, baby and all. How would you feel? Would you feel loved and adored? Or would you feel dirty and used?”
“I don’t know,” he answers honestly.
“Well, I feel dirty and fuckin’ used. If you’d come to me tonight and said, ‘Kat I love you. I want a life with you. Let’s have a baby.’ I probably would’ve agreed. But knowing this whole thing originated with Shane and the op, I can’t see past it.”
“I meant what I said tonight. I understand why you’re hurt. I didn’t do this the right way, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you, Kat. I’m sorry I fucked this up. I’m really fuckin’ sorry,” he finishes in a wounded voice.
“I need a break. This is too much for me to process right now. I’m remaining on the op, but I gave Shane my resignation. I’m done after this. I’m gonna sleep in the guest room tonight. Tell the boys I’m sick when they ask. I’ll get my mask back on tomorrow, but not tonight. I can’t.”
I move past him, climb the stairs and lock myself in the guest room. I push my gun under my pillow and curl into a ball. I want to cry and sob, but I feel numb right now. I feel empty and lost. The DCA has been my home and now it’s my enemy. Game face on Kat. One last time.
Kat
I pull my aching body from the guest bed, hiding my weapon in the back of my pants beneath my fluffy sweater. I hurt everywhere, but it’s my heart that’s taken the brunt of the assault. So much for a good night’s sleep being the cure. My mother always used to tell me that and she was usually right, but she got this one wrong. I know better than to get emotionally involved. One, it’s against DCA protocol to become emotionally attached during an op. Two, I lost the two people I loved the most in life and had no control in those losses. I decided when I joined the DCA I would never experience grief like that in my life again. I naïvely believed I could do this, have Nick and the boys, and everything would be okay. I’m an idiot. No, it’s worse than that. I know better.
I plod down the stairs exhausted and embarrassed, realizing it’s early afternoon. I can do this. It’s just another op. I’m the best agent the DCA has ever had. I can play any character at any moment. Damn it, I can run circles around Nick Cooper. He’ll see.
I climb in the shower and scour away the anguish covering my body. This is it. The moment where I’ll be tested like I’ve never been before. Shane warned me about this when he inserted himself in my life. He told me one day I’d be on an op and I wouldn’t be trained for what I was going to face, that no training can prepare an agent for every scenario. I never thought it would be a moment like this. I thought it would be me fighting a ninja in a pitch-black room (What? It could happen). Instead, my test will be my broken heart and myself. I can do this. I will do this.
I can’t do this. The moment I enter the kitchen and the boys light up at the sight of me, I know. I can’t fucking do this. I feel the color leave my cheeks and my stomach rolls just like when a roller coaster is hovering at the edge of the big drop, only mine doesn’t stop at the bottom. Game face on Kat. Come on.
“Aunt Kay, you look rough,” Dane announces my grotesque appearance to the group. Nick is finishing making sandwiches for lunch while the boys look on from the breakfast bar.
“I’m still not feelin’ great,” I lie.
Jake furrows his brow but doesn’t comment. Instead, he climbs to his feet and presses his hand to my forehead.
“No fever. What’s wrong?” he questions sweetly, peering into my eyes with concern and searching for a lie.
“I hurt all over and I’m exhausted.”
Jake’s satisfied with my answer because he doesn’t find a lie. That’s because I wasn’t lying. If I’m going to pull through this op I’ll have to hone my lying to surpass Jake’s detection. He’ll be my greatest adversary. No, Jake’s not my opponent, he’s someone I love. I can’t have him in my life for long, this has an expiration date, but for now, he’s here and I love him.
I meet Nick’s fake chocolate eyes and offer him nothing. He’s hurt and I could give a shit because I’m completely demolished. Nick sees that in my face and remains the distance from me my gaze is demanding.
“Sunshine, why don’t you get back in bed? I’ve got the boys covered. Some rest should help.” His suggestion is more than his words appear to be on the surface.
“I’m gonna need more than a nap,” I grumble. Shit, that’s not what I would say. The boys look at me slightly confused at my attitude. “Sorry guys. I guess I could use a nap. I’ll come down once I feel better.”
With that, I trudge toward the stairs, leading me to the bed I’ve shared with Nick for months. This always felt like a safe place to fall. After what transpired in here last night, it feels like I’m willingly climbing back into a nightmare. I hate Nick and Shane for this. Absolutely. Fucking. Hate them.
“Don’t touch me!” I wake up yelling.
“It’s just me, Kat,” Jake’s soothing voice hovers at the edge of the bed. When I open my eyes his hands are in the universal don’t shoot pose and I feel like shit all over again.
“Sorry, Jake. I must’ve been having a nightmare,” I lie.
“Thought you didn’t get those anymore?” he questions the lie.
“Sometimes when I’m sick, I do.”
He believes this information. Again, it’s not a lie. I do get nightmares when I’m sick from time to time.
“You feelin’ any better?” he asks softly, sitting on the bed facing me.
“Not really.”
“Should we get you an appointment with the doctor?”
“I’ll be fine. It’s just a cold or flu. Nothin’ too big,” I finish off rubbing my neck to add to the effect I’m using with my voice.
“I’m sorry you’re sick. You want me to stay with you for a while? We could watch movies and I could rub your back.” He adds his dazzling smile to his kind words and I almost lose it. I can’t do this.
“As good as that sounds, I think I should just sleep some more. Is that okay?”
“Whatever you need is okay, Kat. I just wanted to
offer what you’ve given me when I needed you.”
I use everything I have to steel myself against the emotions raging within me and offer Jake a small weary smile. He brushes a strand of hair from my face and stands up. I watch as he walks away and wait for him to shut the door with a soft click. Only then, do I shove my face in my pillow and sob like a baby.
I never knew. I had no idea I could love like this. My entire adult life I made sure I never ventured in this direction. It was unknown and scary as hell. I was right to fear it. I think I’m dying this hurts so badly. I love those boys like they’re my own and I’m not going to get to keep them. Nick made that clear last night with his shit. This is an op and we’re all just moving cogs within a large wheel. I need some distance from the five of them to get myself back in the game. Once my head’s right, I can do this. When my heart is less broken and functioning like it did only a few months ago, I can do this with ease.
“You look better, Sunshine,” Nick purrs into my neck and I force myself to act. I melt into his embrace and imagine this doesn’t rip my heart out.
“I just needed to rest,” I murmur against the skin of cheek before pressing a soft kiss there. In typical Nick fashion he tries to push for more, but I can’t. I move away from his embrace and flop down on the couch holding Cole and Sawyer, effectively removing any chance of sharing a space with Nick.
The boys are oblivious and snuggle into me. I was “sick” for a full forty-eight hours and they want their chance with me. I cuddle into a blanket with Sawyer and turn my gaze to ESPN pretending to be enamored by SportsCenter. It works on the boys and not on Nick. I don’t care.
“Aunt Kay, I’m glad you’re better. I can’t eat anymore sandwiches,” Dane grumbles.
“I’m sorry I left you all to your own devices. How will you ever survive without me?” I shouldn’t have asked that question. All of the brows in the family room are furrowed at my question. I don’t even want the answer to that question. “You are gonna be in college in a few years.” My quick recovery ends the questioning looks immediately. I can do this.
“College kids survive on mac and cheese and ramen noodles. We’ll be fine,” Cole explains.
“Please don’t tell me shit like that. I’ll have to cook and bring you food every day. I don’t think you’ll enjoy that daily visit.”
“Like you’d be able to stay away from us for more than a day. You were sick and still dragged your ass out of your room a few times a day to check on us. You probably got us all sick doin’ that,” Dane pretends to scold me.
“I’ll take care of you,” I whisper, feeling those damned emotions bubbling up.
“You always do,” Jake interjects happily.
“We tried to do laundry,” Sawyer informs me looking a little guilty.
“How’d that go?”
“We shrunk some of your sweaters and everything’s really wrinkled.”
“That’s great,” I snark.
He chuckles along with the other boys, pulling me closer to him.
“Love you,” he murmurs into my hair.
“Love you too,” I whisper in return.
I don’t know if I’ve ever meant those words as much as I do right now. When I was lying in that damn bed for two days, their love pulled my head above the waves of despair trying desperately to pull me under. I may not be meant to be with Nick, but I won’t leave these boys. They’ve been left by their asshole parents and I won’t leave them until I have to wrap the op. I won’t have any control beyond that point, but until that time comes, I’ll be here for them in every way I can. I can do this.
Fresh flowers sit on the island in a towering arrangement of whites, purples and greens. I bury my face and inhale the intoxicating scent.
“Nick has been doing this at least once a week since we moved to Maybelle,” I explain to Trish.
“That’s lovely,” she lies. I control my eye roll and set her coffee down at the breakfast bar in front of her. “I wanted to wait until the holiday passed before I came to apologize for my behavior at the ice cream parlor. I can’t begin to explain how awful I feel about my cruel words. I don’t know what possessed me to speak that way, but I can assure you that’s not how I feel about the boys.”
“I accept your apology, Trish. I understand how stress can affect a woman in your position.”
“It can be difficult at times. I think what you’re doing for those boys is admirable. Their parents should be ashamed of themselves. Having strangers take responsibility for their children? Just dreadful.”
Notice she doesn’t blame them for abandoning the boys, just that they didn’t provide better accommodation. Now that I’m in full op mode I’m able to smile a broad fake smile with ease at her disgusting face. It’s taken a week and a half and a truly gut-wrenching Thanksgiving to get me here, but I made it.
“The winter formal is shaping up nicely,” she changes the subject to the superficial.
“I agree. I’m glad we decided against a themed dance. It’s so clichéd,” I repeat the words I’ve heard spoken by all the Stepford Wives.
“Absolutely, winter is theme enough. I appreciate you taking the time to see me this morning. I’ve got another meeting over at the library in a half hour so I have to run, but I’d love to set up a lunch date later in the week,” she says through her fake façade that sounds inviting and warm, yet I find it cold and disconcerting.
“I’ll check my schedule and let you know when I’m available,” I respond air kissing her cheeks and pushing down the puke at the back of my throat.
“Wonderful! Have a lovely day, Kat.”
I follow her to the front door and wave goodbye as she climbs in her white Range Rover. Once she’s down the driveway, I slam the front door and begin sweeping for bugs she could have left. An hour later I’m satisfied she didn’t.
Unfortunately, Trish wasn’t the part of my day I’ve been dreading. This is.
“Code in,” the male voice instructs.
“Delta Charlie three zero nine four.”
“The line is secure, Agent Russell.”
“Jessica Evans please.”
“Evans,” Jess’s sweet voice fills my ear and I steel myself for a battle with my best friend.
“Agent Russell,” I reply tentatively.
“Katherine Russell, how nice of you to call your best friend,” she drones sarcastically.
“I just completed a meeting with Trish Booker. The meeting was not productive beyond pleasantries and continuing to build a relationship with the mark,” I state professionally.
“Don’t you fuckin’ dare do that to me, Kat. I’m your best friend and some fucked up shit happened two weeks ago. The first thing you do is start a brief without so much as a mention of it? Huh uh. I’m not doin’ this with you. Talk to me,” she finishes in a command.
Jess has called me every day since I ended my relationship with Shane. I haven’t answered a single call or listened to any of her messages. Shane’s her fiancé and I won’t put her in the middle of us. It’s not fair to her and I love this woman like a sister. I have to approach her like a colleague to get through this right now. I can’t break again and if I talk to her about what happened, I’ll break.
“I’ve only had contact with Trish Booker one other time since my last brief. It was an altercation involving Jake Rivers and the civilian boys currently residing with us. Agent Cooper felt that the tension wasn’t detrimental to the op as Tony Booker was concerned and tried to remove any issues on his wife’s behalf. I agree that the incident didn’t hinder the op in any way and we can move forward as planned. Agent Cooper can expand during his brief.”
“Kat, please. You’re scarin’ the shit outta me. If you don’t wanna talk on this line, call me back on a burner. I’ll call you if that’s easier, but don’t do this. I’ve got your notes. I’ll update the file. Talk to me. Are you okay?” my best friend pleads with me. I can’t. Not yet.
“I have nothing further to add. I’ll call in on…” I r
each over to check the calendar for the date of my next brief. “December tenth. Thank you for your time.”
With that, I hang up on Jess and drop my head in my hands. I feel like complete and utter shit doing that to her. She doesn’t deserve the freeze out, but I have to be strong right now. Jess is my soft spot and if I get a glimpse of that softness I’ll disintegrate. My only option to complete this op is to hold it together until holding it together doesn’t take so much work. Right now…it’s the most difficult work I’ve ever done.
Nick
I stride into the house to be met with a kitchen full of teenagers. Not that unusual these days.
“Hey, Nick,” Sawyer says gloomily.
“What’s up?” I ask the solemn group.
“Aunt Kay has a headache again,” Dane informs me with a grunt finishing off his statement.
“Any plans for dinner?” I avoid the topic of my wife, just as I’ve been doing for almost three weeks. None of the boys have asked outright what’s going on, but I’ve gotten a lot of looks and grunts.
“We burned it,” Sawyer responds, nodding at a plate covered in something charred beyond recognition.
“Let’s go out for pizza. Give Kat a break from us for the evening.”
“She needs a lot of breaks lately,” Cole points out as he shrugs on his coat.
“That’s how it goes sometimes, bud.” I clap him on the back a couple times trying to reassure him.
“I know,” he scoffs, moving out of my reach.
The SUV is silent as I maneuver through the snow-covered streets of Maybelle. Downtown is dripping in twinkle lights, wreathes adorning every door. This place is like a poison dart frog, beautifully captivating and filled with venom.
After we’re seated at a booth, the mood lightens slightly. The boys are dealing with the aftermath of breaking up with Regan and her posse. Things were strained between the two groups after the incident with Avery and Cole. He ended it with her instantly. Once Jake connected with Cara he immediately ended things with Regan. Dane and Sawyer followed suit a few days later with their girls. I never knew what it meant for someone to blow up a phone. I’m now intimately acquainted with the term and its visual representation.
Into the Blackness (Blackness Series Book 4) Page 19