by Lynn Collins
“It’s not.” He stopped and waited for her to look at him. “It’s never just sex with us, Liz, we make love. Remember?”
Too well. She’d pushed him away the first time he’d asked because of the terms he’d used. She wanted love and romance; he’d wanted release. But even then, physical intimacy had meant more to him than he could admit. He could barely admit what it meant to him now, but he’d be damned if he’d let her call what happened between them just sex.
Slowly, she’d lifted her head and searched his eyes. An electric current ran through him. Already he couldn’t tell where his body ended and hers began.
“I remember,” she whispered—regretfully, James thought. Then she leaned back into his chest, her hand softly rubbing his neck, and he hoped that maybe he’d imagined it.
Quickly, before she could change her mind, James took the rest of the stairs to Lizzie’s bedroom two at a time and kicked the door shut behind them. He was home.
9
Sunlight streamed through the lace curtains, warming Lizzie’s face. Another part of her warmed as she remembered making love to James the night before. He’d been soft and demanding all at once. She grinned. JR should sleep another hour if her clock was right. She rolled over to wake James in order to take advantage of the few private minutes they had left, but the other side of her bed was empty.
Lizzie touched the spot where she was sure James had slept at least a few hours last night. It was cold. “Typical.” She pulled the covers closer up, reminding herself that she’d gone into this with her eyes open. “Hit and run James.”
Her mom’s warning to her when she’d wanted to find James and tell him about JR echoed in her brain. “That boy will never be more than a tagalong, Elizabeth. He’ll break your heart, mind my words.”
Instantly tears threatened and she sat up straight. Damn it, mom, get out of my head! For all Lizzie knew, James could be downstairs or in the bathroom. Maybe she was overreacting to him thoughtfully letting her sleep a few more minutes. Besides, what had really happened last night? Did a few hours together make them a couple again? Or was it just sex, like she’d said?
“Just sex. Great idea, Liz.” She threw off the covers and slipped on her favorite at home sweats and a tee. Spring mountain mornings were chilly. She ran her fingers through her pixie cut and remembered slipping them through James’s hair last night. She loved his hair long. He’d only gotten away with growing it out during their last summer together. Liz didn’t know if his dad had even noticed he had any sons by then, let alone the length of James’s hair.
Her stomach lurched as she faced the door. What if James was downstairs? What would she say to him? Her face paled when the other side of the coin slapped her into reality. What if he wasn’t downstairs? Lizzie didn’t know which outcome scared her more.
She pushed herself out the door. Time to face the music, one way or another. She’d go down stairs, start the coffee—
“Mom!” JR’s arms surrounded her legs. “You’re awake. We were trying to be quiet so you could sleep. But I had to get my rock collection.”
“It’s okay, buddy. I needed to get up anyway.” She finger combed his hair into some sort of order. James’s hair.
“Good. Now we can get breakfast. I’m starving.” JR headed downstairs. He carried a shoebox decorated with pictures of mountains cut out of old magazines. His rock collection.
She called after him, “Who’s downstairs?”
“Gramma Serena. She was here when I woke up.”
Disappointed, Lizzie leaned against the wall. Damn you, James. But of course if Serena was here, he was gone because he couldn’t deal. Why-oh-why had she let him in again? Why couldn’t she just…
Let him go? She closed her eyes and let heartache roll over her.
What did you expect, a diamond ring? Fairytales are for kids and you were the one who said it was just sex. Grow up and get on.
Sometimes Lizzie hated her little voice. Especially when it made sense. She heard a footstep and opened her eyes.
Serena stood there, a cup of coffee in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. “I found this on the dining room table when JR let me in. I thought you might want to read it up here alone.”
Lizzie took the offered cup then reached for the note, taking it between two careful fingers as though the paper might disintegrate if she held it too tightly. “Thanks.”
“I take it you were expecting him to be here?” Serena half sat on the banister.
“I don’t know what I expected.” Lizzie sighed. “No, that’s not true. This is what I knew would happen. He’d get scared and take off. He’s always taking off.”
Serena shrugged. “I guess I have a lot to do with that. I ran instead of fighting for him and Jesse. I should have tried.”
“He missed you. A lot.” Lizzie remembered years ago, sitting on a downed tree by the river, talking with James about his parents. Those conversations had helped her appreciate her over-protective parents more.
“James never let me out of his sight as a kid.” Serena puffed up her hair with her hands. “Jesse could care less where anyone was except for James. That boy loved his big brother from the day we brought him home from the hospital. I knew James would take care of Jesse.”
But who took care of James?
“Gramma Serena, the waffles are burning.” JR stood at the bottom of the staircase looking up. “What are you talking about?”
“Just girl talk, sweetie. I’ll be right down.” Serena nodded at the letter. “Take your time, JR and I will be fine downstairs.”
“Thanks, Serena.”
“What are grandmas for?” Serena grinned. “I never thought I’d say those words. Life sure throws some curves.”
Lizzie watched the woman glide down the stairs in her stilettos before she looked at the note in her hand. A single look at the unmade bed in her room coupled with the memories of last night made her sink onto the wooden bench on the loft landing.
She took a sip of the hot coffee then unfolded the note. Five one hundred dollar bills fell into her lap.
Lizzie gasped. What the… Was this the going rate for servicing Mr. Sullivan? She glanced at the note, not sure if she wanted to read it. On the other hand, the cad owed her an explanation. She opened the note.
Liz—I hate to write this and leave, but Jesse and I have a sponsor contract meeting in Boise before we head to South Dakota. I know you and I need to figure out where we are going but right now, I have commitments. I can’t break them. I’ll be back Monday for at least a day or two, depending on the next rodeo.
Maybe slowing this down a little will give us both some clarity on what is best for all of us, especially JR.
Much love,
James
Tears filled Lizzie’s eyes. At least this time he’d told her what he was doing instead of leaving without a goodbye. The result was the same though: she was stuck with a nebulous promise and a memory she didn’t want.
And that didn’t even count what this could do to JR.
She folded the note and dropped it into the trashcan next to the landing. So be it. If this was the way he wanted to play it, she could figure out how to let him be JR’s father without being part of their daily lives.
Resolve didn’t stop her from feeling dumped and alone.
Damn it, you’re the one who said sex-sex-sex, sweetie. Listen next time and leave cowboys alone.
Stepping into the bathroom, she found a tissue and blew her nose. This pity party wouldn’t do at all. She tried to smile for the mirror, but it appeared as fake as it felt. She tried again. This time, even though the smile didn’t reach her eyes, it seemed passable. Picking up her coffee, she headed downstairs to JR and his new grandmother who knew all about disappearing and disappointing the people who loved her. Lizzie would have to set some ground rules before Serena spent more time with JR. Her son would not be played with. And he would not wind up like his father, unable to love or commit.
Geared for
battle, Lizzie nevertheless stopped in the kitchen doorway at the sight of her son and Serena together at the table. He ate pancakes with more syrup than cake, a wide smile on his face. The smile on Serena’s face matched JR’s as she watched him eat. The scene reminded Lizzie of an unpainted Rockwell, one she’d title The Showgirl and the Kid.
Rules, you have to set rules, she reminded herself.
“Good morning, kiddo.” Lizzie breezed into the kitchen. “Serena, do you mind stepping outside with me? I want to show you something.”
“I can show her…” JR’s words came out muddled since his mouth was filled with pancake.
“No, JR, Serena and Mommy need a few minutes. You finish your breakfast then go wash your face and get dressed.” Lizzie stood at the back door, her hand on the knob. “Coming?”
Serena set her coffee cup on the counter. “Sure, darling.” She ruffled JR’s hair. “Your mom and me will be right back.”
She met Lizzie’s gaze as she walked out by, but didn’t say anything until they had reached the first cabin. “What’s up?”
“I want to know your intentions toward my son.” Lizzie folded her arms across her chest.
“Now, Liz, just because my son acted like a jerk and left you that note, doesn’t mean I’m here for the giggles.” Serena tried to touch Lizzie’s shoulder, but the younger woman shrugged away.
“This has nothing to do with James. I want to know you’re going to be here for JR. Not pop in, make him love you, then take off for God knows where.”
Serena sat down on the post railing at the side of the cabin. “I guess I deserve that. I wasn’t a mother to my boys. There’s not a day goes by I don’t regret leaving.”
Lizzie watched the woman in front of her, her head down and in her hands. Her heart broke. “James missed you.”
“I know he did. That’s why he hates me so much now. I can’t change that. What I can do is be here for you and JR. I want to be part of your family. I know it’s asking a lot. But I’ll prove myself if you give me a chance.” Serena raised her head. Her tears mixed with black mascara ran down her cheeks. “I’ll be there for him. For both of you. I promise.”
Lizzie sighed and sat next to Serena. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know if I can trust you. Especially with JR.”
“All I can ask for is one day at a time. I’ve learned from my meetings. All we have is today. Worrying about tomorrow just brings trouble.”
She snuck a sideways look at Lizzie. Lizzie couldn’t decide if Serena’s face was full hope, pleading or if she was trying to gauge whether or not her bullshit had stuck. Give her a chance, her gut said. But her gut had been known to be unreliable.
Lizzie faced Serena. “You can stay. But one slip, one broken promise, and you’re gone.”
Serena brightened. She pulled a tissue from her pants pocket and wiped away the tears. “I’ll be the best grandmother JR’s ever known. You’ll see.”
Lizzie shook her head. Her mom had been JR’s grandmother. Serena could never replace her, but maybe there was room for a different grandma or two. Martha’s face popped into her mind. With her dad remarrying, JR would go from having no grandmothers to having two in less than a week.
“So, you want to talk?” Jesse turned off the radio.
“About what? This contract stuff? We’ve been over it. You’d be a fool not to sign.” James kept his eyes on the road. One phone call had pushed up their meeting with the Utah based country and western clothing king to this afternoon. He wanted an excuse to get out of Shawnee fast. Running from whatever happened last night that reminded him what he felt for Lizzie. He reached to turn the radio back on. Jesse’s blocked the knob. “What are you doing?”
“I didn’t mean about the contract. Hell, all we talk about is business.” Jesse shook his head. “What about Mom, Lizzie and JR? How are you feeling about all this?”
“Overwhelmed? Lost? Confused? How do you think I’m feeling?” James gripped the steering wheel tighter, focusing on the two-lane highway’s tight curves.
“I assumed you were ticked at me for not telling you.” Jesse glanced quickly at his brother; their eyes met, parted.
“I’m mad as hell,” James said harshly. “Mad at you and Lizzie and her parents and Mom—or Serena, whatever I’m supposed to call her now.” James focused on the road. “It doesn’t change anything. I still have a son no one told me about. You still have a championship to win. And I’ve got a summer to plan without lead time.”
Jesse was quiet a moment. Then, “I can get another manager you know. Barb and I talked this weekend. She knows some great people looking for work. I’ll buy you out and hire someone cheaper. I’m serious. You can leave. JR needs his dad.”
“He hasn’t so far,” James grumped. Damn it, he’d wanted to be the one to tell Jesse it was time for him to find another manager. Being dismissed so casually after all this time wasn’t the same as James making the change for himself. It was just one more choice Jesse made for him. As though he was being allowed to do something he wanted to do, but thought would be a lot more difficult. It wasn’t easy to find out that the person your life had revolved around for the better part of twenty years didn’t need you anymore. And never mind that James had a son waiting in the wings who needed him more. Opposite world, that’s what this was. Jesse behaving like the big brother while James felt like a kid. “I like working for you. Why would you think I’d want to leave?”
“Because you never wanted to come in the first place.” Jesse’s insight took James back. He slanted a glance at his brother who had the grace to look sheepish. “Look, I know I played the brotherly love card when we first left home. And believe me, I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, I know. But I’ve grown up. I got this. You need to be with JR. And Lizzie.”
Great, he becomes a man, right after I’ve run away and ruined every shot I had with Liz.
“Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” James forced a grin and leaned over the steering wheel. “Seriously, I’m happy where I am. Lizzie’s got a plan, we’re an hour out of Boise and we have to go over the contract one more time. Can we be done with the girly feelings talk and do this?”
“I thought you said I’d be a fool not to sign.”
“I did, but they’ve added a sobriety clause.” James nodded to his briefcase on the backseat of the quad cab. “The terms are reasonable. Just grab the contract and read the entire thing.”
“They better not have said I can’t drink at all. Just because they’re religious —”
James tuned him out, knowing that whatever they said about Jesse getting another manager, it was negotiations like this when another manager would never be able to talk Jesse into doing the right thing.
JR’s face popped into James’s mind. ‘What about me?’ the imaginary child asked. ‘When are you going to be with me?’
You have your mom. And I’ll be there, at least financially.
Lizzie might not even let him help there unless he forced the issue. Not after running out on the promises he’d made to his son.
He glanced at Jesse. Just like their mother had run out on them.
10
A knock on the door jolted Lizzie from replaying the weekend with James again while JR and Serena watched cartoons in the living room. She opened the door.
“Express delivery, Lizzie. I don’t think I’ve ever had an express for anyone on my route.”
Lizzie grinned at her mail carrier. He’d been on the same route since she was a little girl, seeing her through her Highlights stage as well as when she couldn’t wait for her Teen Beat to show up. “Well, maybe it’s from the sweepstakes people.”
“Wouldn’t that be a treat?” He handed her a form to sign. “Just write your address there, and sign in the three spots I’ve marked.”
Lizzie signed and took the thin envelope and read the Boise return address. George Baxter, Attorney at Law. She froze. Why would an attorney send her a letter?
�
�Thanks.” She slipped out the front door and sat in the rocking chair on the porch. Laying the magazines and envelopes down, she stared at the bright express envelope.
You might as well open it.
Shaking, she slipped her fingers through the seal and shook the contents onto her lap. Three thin sheets of paper. It didn’t look like legal papers to her. She peeked into the envelope. Nothing else. Pulling the letterhead closer, she read the two paragraphs.
In order to facilitate my client’s paternity rights, we are requesting you and the child in question comply with testing. The address and phone number of the testing site is enclosed. In addition, Mr. Sullivan has requested I forward the enclosed check to you for your personal needs until this matter is settled.
Please direct questions to me at the above number.
Stunned, Lizzie read the note again. James wanted a paternity test. He didn’t believe her.
Fingers shaking, she slipped the other page aside and there was the check. Five thousand dollars. More money than she’d ever seen in her life. And James expected her to what? Just take it? He threw cash on the dresser when he left her bedroom and then did this? She’d expected a little more from him. She imagined the conversation with her welfare worker.
JR’s father turned up out of the blue and decided to provide for us. Please close our case.
Just like that, no more feeling like she lived off her dad and the productive members of the community. Instead, she’d be a kept woman.
“I wondered if he’d do the right thing.” Serena’s voice surprised her and Lizzie glanced at the woman standing behind her. Now part of her son’s life and Lizzie guessed part of her own.
“I can’t accept this,” she said without thinking.
“He owes you more than that in child support,” Serena said ferociously. “You can accept this and you will.” She sat down on the rail in front of Lizzie. “Doesn’t JR deserve the love and attention of both parents? The financial security James can provide?”