by Lynn Collins
“He doesn’t love you. If he did, he’d be here. Hell, he would have been here all along.” Cash’s words stung. “Think about JR. Don’t you want his father to be stable? To be here with him? With you?”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. How many times had she had the same conversation with herself? Trying to convince herself that emotions like love would come in time. That Cash could be her future and if she left James in the past.
Your past that was back in your bed as soon as he hit town.
Thinking he saw a chink in her armor, Cash grabbed her hands. “I love you, you know. I love JR.”
“I’m sorry.” Lizzie picked up her purse and folder and stood. “I’ll see you around.”
“I won’t let you come back. If you walk out now, it’s over.” Cash’s voice was firm but quiet.
“I know.”
Throat tight, Lizzie walked out of the restaurant. She’d never wanted to start this with Cash, should never have said yes to that first date. But in her heart, she knew her tears weren’t for the relationship she was closing. She cried for the man she left. A man she couldn’t love. He deserved more.
Starting the car, she wiped the tears off her cheeks. One more stop. One more packet to give out and groceries to buy. Then she could head home and soak in a long hot bath before Dad dropped off JR. Tonight, she would hug her son and head to bed early. Right after she finished the long list of chores required of a single mom. The life she’d chosen over any possible life with Cash.
12
The Sullivan ranch property sat thirty minutes out of town, but at least the roads were dry. James loved driving up the curvy road that hugged the mountain. Boise was as big city as Idaho got, yet ten minutes out and the mountain life took over. James watched as an SUV filled with kids turned off the main road heading to Lucky Peak, a local swimming spot. The park’s beach would be filled to the brim this weekend. Today, a few lounge chairs dotted the sand. Maybe he’d bring JR down to stay with him for a while and they could spend a day swimming.
If Lizzie will even let you talk to him after you cut out on him the last time.
James focused on the road ahead and sighed. He’d totally screwed the pooch on this one. Lying there in bed, watching her sleep, he’d realized how much he loved her. When that feeling sank in, he panicked. What was he doing? What if she betrayed him and left him the way Serena did? He didn’t have room in his life for any woman. And he’d never be able to be a good dad. What did he know about raising a kid?
He’d been right to leave. Focus on what he did well, that was the ticket. He could provide financially for Lizzie and JR. Make sure they had food in the house and JR had clothes. That was his role. Someone else would step in to take JR swimming and teach him to throw a ball. And James knew who Lizzie would choose to help. Cash.
“Even if I wanted to be part of JR’s life, she’s already moved on.” James spoke the words out loud, making his thoughts real.
She jumps in bed with you for old time’s sake?
James shook off his logical side. He couldn’t take the chance of her leaving—or turning him down. Things were better this way. He was good at his job. He could tell George to back off the custody thing. He didn’t need a family. He had Jesse.
And Serena.
As he pulled into the dirt driveway leading up to his ranch home, he saw a car in the driveway. As if thoughts of her had brought her into being, Serena stepped out of the car and waved at him.
You could turn around and leave.
No, he wasn’t going to turn tail and run. This conversation was long overdue. Years overdue. Time to confront her over her abandonment of him and Jesse. If she’d come to the ranch for closure then by God, he was going to give it to her.
He parked the truck. Watching her approach, he eased himself out of the cab and slammed the door. “Why are you here?”
Serena straightened her back. She’d been reaching for a hug, but seemed to catch herself. “We need to talk.”
“We needed to talk years ago. Now what’s left to say?” James leaned against the truck and waited.
“I can’t change the past, James. I can only change our future.” Serena gestured toward the house. “Can we at least sit down on the porch if you don’t want to ask me in?”
James flipped his key ring around his finger. “We can go in. I do have manners.”
Serena followed him onto the porch and waited while he unlocked the door. “Is Jesse here?”
“He stayed in town last night. Celebrating his new sponsor. I’m picking him up in an hour.” James unlocked the door and threw the keys on the antique desk in the foyer. The oversized cabin was filled with comfortable couches and big screen televisions. The perfect bachelor’s pad at three thousand square feet. He nodded toward the kitchen. “How about some coffee?”
Serena nodded and followed. “This is nice. It’s homey.”
James didn’t know what that meant or even what she was looking for. “You can’t move in, Serena.”
Her eyes widened. “James, I would never ask to move in. You think I’m here for money?”
James busied himself with making coffee. “I don’t know why you’re here, but money seems a likely choice.”
“Honey, I have more money than I know what to do with. My late husband left me more than comfortable. So, no, I’m not here for a hand out.” Serena pulled a bar stool close to the granite covered island and scooted up, her five-foot-two frame having to climb to sit down.
James finished putting the coffee to brew and opened the refrigerator. His cleaning lady had stocked the kitchen on her last visit and he quickly found a bag of bagels and cream cheese. He was hungry. He usually cooked a big breakfast on his days at home: eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy. Today he’d needed the drive before he could eat. “You hungry?”
“I ate at The Pancake House before I left Shawnee.” Serena let the words settle.
“Cash must be happy.” Angrily James sliced the bagel that somehow looked like Cash.
“Because I ate there? I’d say that’s a stretch. Of course, he acted like everything was fine. Like Lizzie hadn’t broken his heart.” Serena stood up, went around the island, and started opening the cupboards. “Where do you keep the coffee cups?”
The knife slipped through the bagel and thudded into the chopping block. “What do you mean?”
“Coffee cups? You know, what you drink coffee out of?” Serena opened another cabinet. “Never mind, here they are.” She pulled out two cups and poured herself coffee from the half-made pot.
“No, I mean about Lizzie dumping Cash. That can’t be right. He was there Tuesday night.” James stared at Serena.
“Cash wasn’t with Lizzie that night, I was. We had a girl’s night movie marathon. I stayed over. That’s when she told me she was breaking up with Cash. Said it wasn’t fair to lead him on.” Serena had settled back on the stool and was watching James. “I hear you had a sleepover with her the night before.”
“Not that it’s any of your business.” James popped the bagel into the toaster and ignored Serena’s gaze boring into his back. He waited to see if she would say anything more. When she didn’t, he asked, “What else did she say?”
“She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. I read your note.”
James spun around. “You had no right.”
“Whoa, cowboy.” Serena sipped her coffee. “Be glad I found it and not JR. He can read some you know.”
“I didn’t think about that.” James sagged against the counter. “I didn’t mean to hurt her. I, well, I panicked.”
“Welcome to the club.” Serena waved away James’s protests. “I’m not saying you’re like me. Sometimes people just do stupid things. I did something stupid when I left you boys. Jesse’s forgiven me, why can’t you?”
“This conversation isn’t about you.” James grabbed the hot bagel out of the toaster and swiped it with cream cheese, his hunger gone.
“Okay, we won’t go there right no
w. Lizzie was hurt. And mad. And surprised by the money.” Serena took a sip of her coffee. “A nice touch by the way.”
“I owe her that much, probably more.” James poured himself a cup of coffee and sat across from the woman who claimed to be his mother. Serena didn’t look like the idealized version of the mother he remembered from his childhood. That woman had a radiant smile and soft cheeks. She smelled of flowers. He’d realized it was Jasmine years later. James loved to cuddle while she read to him. Stories of Aladdin and the Magic Lamp and Gulliver’s Travels. James had always thought she read the action adventure books for him, but now he wondered if her wanderlust had shown in her reading choices.
“Still, after what you pulled, it took balls to send her money and not expect her to tear up the check.”
James hadn’t thought of that. “She didn’t, did she?”
“No honey, she cashed that puppy and we went shopping.” Serena smiled. “That girl has quite a knack for the bargain. We got everything she needed to open up the cabins and she still has money left over.”
“Lizzie always was practical.” James took a bite of the bagel. Somehow, it didn’t taste as good as he’d remembered from last week. How could his world have changed so much in less than a week?
“She’s got a good head on her shoulders for business. She told me she planned on being a journalist before JR came around.” Serena slipped off the stool and poured herself another cup of coffee. “I think she would have been happier in public relations.”
“I wish she’d told me. About JR, I mean. We could have worked something out.” James pushed the bagel aside.
“From what I learned last night, her mom gave Lizzie an option. Finding you or living with them. I guess the woman didn’t think much of your taking off with Jesse.”
James could feel Serena watching for his reaction. “I was only going to be gone one summer. Lizzie knew that. She didn’t trust me. It was all in or nothing with her.” James hesitated. “And Jesse needed me more than she did. Lizzie’s like a cat. She always lands feet first. But Jesse, he only had me.”
“Sounds like Lizzie had a reason not to trust you, so wrapped up in your importance to your brother that you became his parent and forgot about living your own life. Forgot about her.” Serena’s voice was quiet.
“I have a life.” Defensively James pointed at the house. “I have a home, a job, and friends. And I never forgot about Lizzie, I…” His jaw worked. “I knew she was better off.”
“You have a house, not a home. Your job’s taking care of your brother. And I haven’t seen you around anyone besides Jesse since I’ve been hanging out at the rodeos watching you. Where are your friends?”
“I saw one this morning. George.” James panicked. He searched his memory for the last time he’d done anything with someone besides Jesse. And even though he wasn’t here a lot, the ranch was home, wasn’t it?
“Isn’t he your lawyer?” Serena deadpanned the question.
“What, I can’t be friends with people I work with?” James stood up and dumped the uneaten bagel in the trashcan. He set the plate in the sink and refilled his coffee cup.
“Sure you can. But do you have any ‘friends’ you don’t pay to talk to you?” Serena patted the countertop. “Sit back down. I know I’m treading on thin ice here, but someone needs to talk so you’ll listen. I wasn’t here before, but I am now.”
“And you want to walk in and become my mother again?” James snorted.
“Maybe not Mom, but I want to be part of your life. Yours and Jesse’s. And I want to help correct the problems I’ve caused.” Serena watched James slowly sit down across from her. “Lizzie loves you. You behaved like a jackass and she’d still take you back the minute you set foot in her yard. You need to commit to that girl and your son. Jesse can take care of himself. He’s not a child. JR is.”
“I blew that.” James thought about his tantrums over the weekend. Hot, then cold. How could anyone trust him when he let his emotions rule his intentions? Running out on Lizzie the first time had been a matter of pride. She’d asked him not to go, to choose her, and he’d blown her off thinking she’d still be around when he got back in the fall. Problem was, the brothers never did go home. And James had never taken the time to try to make it right.
“That girl is in love with you and has been for years from what I’ve seen and heard. Why do you think she broke up with Cash? She told me she needed to sew up her broken heart before she gave it away again.” Serena shook her head. “You think she’d leave you the way I left you boys and your father? She hasn’t quit on JR yet, and it’s been tough, believe me.”
“No. I mean, maybe.” James’s shoulders sagged. He met Serena’s eyes. “People leave.”
Serena sighed. “James, I can’t make the past different. I wasn’t in love with your father. I never was. We got married too soon. He knew I didn’t love him, but he said he loved me enough for the both of us. He was wrong.”
“He fell apart after you left.” James thought about the shell of a man his dad had become right before they had left home. “Grams tried to help but he refused to let her visit after she tore into him about his drinking. Then it got worse.”
“Oh, James, I’m sorry.” Tears filled Serena’s eyes. “I didn’t know.”
“He didn’t beat us. And there was always food in the house. But he made us feel like Jesse and I lived alone.” James tapped his fingers on his coffee cup. “Jesse got the worst of it. He’d do anything to get the old man’s attention. Finally, he stopped trying. After I graduated, I stayed for Jesse’s senior year, then we left.”
“And never looked back?”
“Not until last weekend. How’d you convince Jesse to come home?” James considered the woman sitting in front of him. His mother in tight sweat pants with a rhinestone encrusted shirt. He had wondered why Jesse had been adamant about riding at Shawnee. Now he knew the answer sat in front of him.
“Jesse told me about JR.” Serena paused. When no response came from James, she continued. “We decided it was time you knew.”
“So the whole thing was a set up by a mother I’d written off for dead to let me know I have a son?” James stood and poured his cold coffee down the sink. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a soda instead. “Were you trying to kill me?”
“I’ll admit, it wasn’t the best plan. Neither Jesse or I had any idea it would be this rough for you.” Serena glanced at James. “We didn’t think how you would react, or that you’d take it out so hard on Lizzie. I’m sorry about that. The girl doesn’t deserve it.”
“What’s done is done.” James waved off her apology.
“No, it isn’t. You need to make it right with her. Whatever you fought about six years ago isn’t worth losing her and JR again.” Serena tapped her pink fake nails against her coffee cup.
“She doesn’t want me.”
“James Ray Sullivan. I didn’t raise a quitter.”
“Serena, you didn’t raise me.” For the first time James sent the feisty woman before him a genuine grin.
“That’s beside the point.” Not quite smiling back, Serena sipped her coffee. “What did the two of you fight about anyway? Lizzie wouldn’t tell me.”
“Jesse, what else.”
“Why Jesse?”
“Lizzie and I planned on attending college together. She’d already put off going for a year while we worked and saved up the money. But mostly we stayed in town until Jesse graduated. Her folks were hot because they wanted her to go to college right after we graduated.”
“So you took care of Jesse first.” Serena shook her head. “Things the way they were, that seems reasonable. And it sounds like you were both in agreement, what happened?”
“When Jesse graduated, he got a call to ride bulls for the summer for a local rancher. The guy would pay him and another guy a salary and pay the rodeo entry fees. If Jesse won, he got to keep the purse.” James remembered Jesse’s face when he got the call. He’d won the lotter
y. “I told Lizzie I’d be back in the fall to move to Portland with her.”
“Putting your brother before the girl you were sleeping with and making promises to.” Serena nodded. “And you didn’t come back and you didn’t call.”
James squirmed, not liking how that sounded. If he’d called, would she have told him she was pregnant? Why hadn’t he been the first one to make that move? Oh, right. Stubbornness. “I tried, but Jesse was good, even then. The rodeos stacked up. Before I knew it, September had come and gone.” James leaned against the cabinet, his knee bent and his cowboy boot up against the walnut cupboard doors. “And so had Lizzie.”
“She loves you.” Serena stood up and swung her pink fur purse over her shoulder.
“But is that enough?” James watched his mother.
“For my sake, I hope so. I want to keep seeing my grandson.” Serena gave him a quick hug.
James held himself stiffen inside her embrace. The move surprised him and yet a part of him wanted to melt. Just a part. He’d wait until George finished running the background check before he’d let her in. He had to.
“Well, I’ve got to get packing and go pick up Jesse,” James said awkwardly.
“I’m leaving. Think about what I said. Make a commitment, and not only to JR. Commit to that girl before she gives up on you. Six years is a long time to wait.” Serena waggled her fingers in what appeared to be a wave. “See you soon.”
Marry the girl.
James followed Serena outside and watched her drive away. He wanted to marry Lizzie. He wanted to make a commitment. But there were so many other things he had to do. Places he had to be. Meetings to take. Contracts to court.
A custody battle to cancel…
Swallowing hard, He turned and locked the door. If he stopped trying to take JR away from Lizzie and started to try to work with her, maybe… Maybe Serena was right. Maybe if he went back to the beginning and picked up the plan where he and Lizzie had left it six years ago…