A Collection of Odd Stories for Children
John H. Carroll
Published by John H. Carroll at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 John H. Carroll
Cover image Copyright 2011 John H. Carroll
This collection is dedicated to all the demented adults who enjoy my writing.
These are are for children who want Wile Coyote to finally catch the stupid roadrunner, eat it for dinner and use the bones as a toothpick.
Table of Contents
The Emo Bunny that Should
Zachary Zombie and the Lost Boy
Drippy the Peg Legged Rainbow
Unholy Cow
Attack of the Sugar Plum Fairies
About the Author
The Emo Bunny that Should
This is dedicated to demented children who don’t care about Dick and Jane fetching a pail of water and would rather read about them falling down the hill.
***
Emo the Bunny was sad. It wasn’t that he didn’t have anybody to play with, it was that he didn’t want to play at all. While other bunnies were dancing, thumping and hopping all about, Emo preferred to lie in a dark corner and twitch his nose. What he really wanted was for someone to come and hold him, rubbing his cheek until everything was okay.
The glossy, black-haired bunny with grey-bottomed feet lived with his parents and siblings in an upside-down coffin that had been thrown out by humans years ago. The coffin had old purple fuzz inside that Emo liked to rub his back and ears against, making purple streaks throughout his fur. Some of the other bunnies teased him about it, but they made fun of everything about him and he just didn’t care anymore. Actually, he did care, he just didn’t show how miserable the taunting made him feel.
The one bunny he did like was Haylo. Emo had accidentally bumped against her once and noticed her chestnut-brown fur was softer than anything in the world. Her smile, as he stammered out an apology, had melted his heart. It was the only time she had noticed him because her parents didn’t like bunnies that were different.
Emo’s mother came through the entrance, which was a hole in one end of the coffin. “Get outside, Emo. It’s too pretty of a day to sit around sulking.”
“I don’t want to.” He growled at her and pawed at the ground with his nails, but she took him by the scruff and dragged him outside.
It was a cheerful, sunny day with birds singing joyous songs. It bothered Emo because when it was sunny outside, he was expected to do awful things like forage and socialize. Cloudy days were his favorite, when the sun wasn’t too bright and everyone stopped hippity hopping everywhere.
Emo dashed into the thick forest behind the coffin, away from the bright clearing where other bunnies were playing. He wandered through the trees, looking for a quiet, shady area to hide in. Sometimes he would see a butterfly. Other bunnies enjoyed chasing butterflies, but Emo just stared at their pretty colors and wished he could be so beautiful.
A mild breeze brought the scent of flowers and fresh dew to Emo’s ever-twitching nose. His long, floppy ears heard a myriad of insects, birds and various woodland creatures going about their industrious activities. The whole thing depressed Emo to no end. Why did everything have to be so wonderful when he was trying to wallow in misery?
***
It was then that he saw the famed Easter Bunny. The giant idol of Easter was six feet tall with white fur, a blue jacket, enormous ears and a permanent smile on his face. Word in the forest was that the Easter Bunny wore contacts so people wouldn’t see that his eyes were actually black with fiery red pupils.
Duck minions traveling with the Easter Bunny had captured two bunnies from Emo’s side of the forest and shoved them into cages to be taken away to the Easter egg factory. The cages were stacked in an evil, duck-shaped wagon pulled by two beaten deer. Frightened chickens cowering in other cages on the wagon would be forced to lay Easter eggs. In another cage was a dejected goose taken to hard-boil the eggs that the bunnies would then paint.
It was a hidden, cruel side of the Easter Bunny that humans didn’t know about. Santa Claus originally had a similar situation with overworked elves before they formed a union to overcome appalling working conditions. Now the elves ran the show at the North Pole and Santa was just a simple delivery driver.
However, the bunnies, chickens, geese, chipmunks and other animals hadn’t been successful at forming unions. Most critters were too interested in food gathering and frolicking in the forest to organize and take the Easter Bunny to court.
The captives didn’t stand a chance. Everyone underestimated how much being nipped by a duck could hurt. Emo hid behind a bush as he watched the ducky wagon roll along a forest trail toward the factory.
Recently, a number of bunnies had disappeared from Emo’s side of the forest. He had noticed it, but others were too busy being happy to pay attention. Missing bunnies made Emo gloomy. He considered spending the day lying down to think about how miserable the situation was, but in a rare moment of action decided to follow instead.
Most bunnies hippity hopped down whatever trail they were on, but Emo hopped normally and even walked slowly when possible. It was easy to keep up because the Easter Bunny traveled at a lumbering walk, and the ducks weren’t in any hurry. More than once during the two-hour journey Emo considered lying down to take a nap, but he was feeling almost energetic and kept following.
***
Upon arriving at the hidden factory, the Easter Bunny tapped on a huge tree with his cane. When a door in the trunk opened, he went in and shut it behind him. Then a crack appeared halfway between that tree and another tree fifty feet away, revealing large secret doors that gradually opened.
Emo watched from behind another tree a short distance away as the sinister ducky wagon rumbled inside. The last minion looked around to see if anyone noticed before heading in, but Emo was excellent at hiding.
As the doors began to shut, Emo hippity hopped his way toward the entrance, just managing to get inside before they closed. He dashed into the dimly lit corridor and caught his breath. If a bunny could blush, he would have at the thought of having hippity hopped.
The wagon rolled around a corner. Emo followed, taking great care not to hop with any enthusiasm while nervously eyeing closed doors on either side of the corridor. Peering around the corner, he saw that it opened onto a huge factory floor. Two mean-looking brown bears were unloading the cages, chickens to the right and bunnies to the left. The goose had already been taken away. In a short time, the wagon was unloaded and the duck minions nipped at the heels of the deer to get them moving.
When they were gone, Emo moved forward. The factory was immense, with thick columns every forty feet holding up a ceiling as high as the tallest trees of the forest. Animals at workbenches produced colored eggs and other candies. To the right were rows of chickens laying eggs for all they were worth. Overburdened chipmunks carried the eggs to giant pots of boiling water stirred by worn-down geese. When the eggs cooled down, field mice took them to the bunnies for painting and then gophers put the painted eggs in baskets.
Duck minions kept watch over everything and there were a few bears for heavy tasks and extra muscle. Each of the columns supporting the ceiling had walkways branching out above the factory floor. Nests lined platforms on the sides of the walkways where robins laid eggs that were then filled with chocolate and crunchy stuff. In the far back of the warehouse were chocolate cows, magically transformed to produce all the milk chocolate needed for chocolate bunnies and other treats.
The result of all those captive animals was a smell that overwhelmed poor Emo’s sensitive nose. A cacophony of clucks, moos, twee
ts and honks hurt his ears while the ducks quacked at every silly goose that couldn’t help but take a gander at what was going on around them.
The sight of woodland critters forced into slave labor depressed Emo terribly, so he decided to go home and hide in his corner of the coffin to try to forget the traumatizing image. He turned and hopped back to the large doors. When he reached them, he realized he didn’t have a clue how they opened.
Emo froze when he heard quacking. Two duck minions were waddling up the hallway toward one of the side doors. Luckily, the ducks weren’t very observant, so they didn’t see him. They lowered their heads and head-bumped the door to get through. Emo watched before hopping over to the door, thinking to do the same thing.
He realized they might be just inside and that following would be a bad idea, so he went to a door on the other side of the corridor and head-bumped it. Much to his surprise, it opened just as easily. Emo slowly pushed through and looked around.
***
A single candle in a dark room illuminated hundreds of beady black eyes. Sharp paws yanked him inside and a flashlight aimed at his face clicked on. “What are you doing in here?” a commanding, high-pitched voice demanded. “Are you one of the Easter Bunny’s minions?”
Emo whimpered. “N . . . No. I . . . I’m Emo. I just followed the Easter Bunny and his minions here after they kidnapped some bunnies I know.”
“Are you here to save them?” the shadowy figure asked.
“Wha? . . . S . . . Save them? No. I’m just a Bunny. I want to go home and hide.” The thought of trying to save all those bunnies terrified him.
“Hmm . . . You’ll serve as a perfect diversion,” the figure said. More flashlights turned on, illuminating over a hundred squirrels gathered on bookshelves, chairs and desks in a large office. They were members of the Squirrel Militia, the organization responsible for the safety of forest creatures. An imposing black squirrel by the name of Captain Nuttington led the tough militia. “The treatment of forest denizens in this factory is unacceptable and we’re breaking them out. Come with me.”
“Wait! Why do I have to be a diversion?” Emo wailed while being pushed through a different doorway into a smaller hall. No answer was forthcoming. In a moment, they reached another door. Some of the squirrels opened it a crack to see if the coast was clear. A column of light from the opening illuminated the hall.
Captain Nuttington stood next to Emo, lifted a floppy ear and whispered, “Alright, this is where the chickens are. Your job is to hop through as fast as you can. Scratch any duck that gets too close and avoid the bears. Once you get about halfway through the rows of chickens, race over to the geese and goose a few. Once you get past . . .”
“Wait a minute!” Emo protested, drawing hushing sounds from the squirrels. “I don’t want to do this. I want to go home and take a nap. I’m not a hero.”
The captain’s eyes were fierce as he got nose to nose with Emo. “You do this or we’ll stuff acorns in your ears.” Emo shrank back in fear. Nuttington pointed a finger in his face. “Now, once you get past the geese, run back and forth between the bunnies and tell them to start hopping everywhere.”
“What do I do if they catch me?” Emo whined.
“Don’t get caught. Just keep hopping as though your life depends upon it . . . Because it does. Those bears do terrible things to woodland creatures, things I can’t talk about . . .” Captain Nuttington shuddered while the faces of the other squirrels became grim. “Go, Emo Bunny. Go now!” With that, they pushed him out the door.
***
Emo stood still for a brief moment, his twitching nose the only movement.
“Hey! What are you doing out of place?” a duck to his right quacked.
That was all he needed. Emo hopped as fast as he could through the rows of egg-laying chickens. It caused quite a ruckus and the poor hens got their feathers ruffled. About halfway through the rows, Emo ran into a bear . . . literally.
He changed direction and headed toward the geese, barely avoiding the paws that tried to snatch him. A duck appeared in front him only to be bowled over by a head-butt. Emo shook his head and continued running.
Captain Nuttington’s squirrels scampered onto the factory floor, adding to the commotion. The chickens flapped into the air in a desperate attempt to get away, which was silly because chickens couldn’t fly. The ducks took to the air too, trying to contain the hens.
Emo didn’t want to waste time pinching each goose’s rear end, so he goosed them with more head-butts. An entire row of geese honked and flew into the air in a wave as he dashed by. It didn’t take long for Emo to reach the bunnies and shout for them to start hopping. Chaos filled the building.
Then he saw Haylo and realized she was a prisoner too. She looked at him in surprise before bumping her cheek against his. “What are you doing here, Emo? Did they capture you too?” she asked in a dulcet voice filled with worry.
“You know my name?” he asked in surprise.
“Of course. You bumped into me last month and I noticed how soft you were,” she told him shyly. “You go off into the forest alone a lot. I follow you sometimes, even though my parents would be furious if they found out.”
The words stunned Emo. He stared at her in adoration and happily noticed she was returning the gaze. Never in his life had he thought someone so wonderful as her could care about a sad little bunny like him.
A duck crashed into him, wildly flapping its wings. It skidded across the floor with Captain Nuttington courageously hanging onto its neck. The good captain yelled at them, “Don’t just sit there, you silly little bunnies! This is the grandest rescue in the history of the forest. Get to it!” With that, the squirrel leader tweaked the duck’s beak and went off to rescue a chipmunk that was getting its tail nipped.
Everyone else was dashing around in panic while squirrels chucked nuts at the ducks and bears. “Follow me,” Emo told Haylo in an extraordinary moment of bravery. “Follow me, follow me!” he yelled to the other creatures around. The thought that he was actually doing something heroic surprised him. Emo wasn’t sure he liked the way it felt, but continued anyway. “Follow me, follow me!” he yelled again, rushing toward the hallway where the big doors were.
“Follow him, follow him!” Haylo yelled.
“Follow him, follow him!” other bunnies yelled.
“Follow him, follow him!” chipmunks, gophers and geese yelled too.
“What in the Golden Egg is going on here?!” an ominous voice bellowed. The Easter bunny had come to see what the ruckus was. His contacts were out and his evil red eyes were fierce with anger.
Emo ignored the monster and led everyone into the wide hallway. Squirrel Militia members were clearing ducks out of the path and even had a bear wrestled to the floor. Emo led the captives around the corner toward the exit. To his delight, the militia had opened the doors and the forest lay ahead.
Emo and Haylo charged into the forest with a bunch of bunnies, a gaggle of geese, a flock of chickens and assorted others while robins flew into the air above. He was pretty sure some of the cows came along too, but he never took the time to look back.
***
Half an hour later, he and Haylo were in the corner of his coffin home, desperately trying to catch their breath. The missing bunnies had come home and everyone was in the clearing, shouting excitedly. Somehow, the rescued bunnies didn’t even realize that it was Emo who helped save them.
He didn’t care because Haylo was softly rubbing her cheek against his. For the first time since he could remember, Emo wasn’t sad.
The End
###
Zachary Zombie and the Lost Boy
This story is dedicated to brains: the forgotten victims in all zombie tales.
***
Tobias was determined to catch the emo bunny. He had been following it for quite a while through the forest. He’d always wanted an emo bunny. They were soft, cuddly and always needed extra hugs because they were so sad.
H
e wasn’t supposed to be in the forest, but there were so many interesting creatures that he could see from his backyard: deer, wolves, fairies, porcupines, ghosts just to name a few. Tobias’s father was a ranger who lived on the edge of the village and the creatures of the forest were respectful to the family, but it still wasn’t safe for a boy to wander off alone.
The emo bunny dashed through some underbrush, disappearing out of sight. It was too thick for Tobias to enter, so he went around. A ball of black fur darted out of the tangled foliage and past some densely packed trees. Emo bunnies normally sat underneath shady trees and wallowed in their misery all day, but this one appeared quite serious about getting away from the boy.
After several sharp turns around the trees, it disappeared for good. Tobias couldn’t tell where it had gone and he wandered around, looking for it. Sometime later, he came to a small babbling brook. It was babbling about a skunk that had made it stink for a little while and about a log that jammed upstream. Tobias wasn’t interested, so he crossed it and continued searching.
It was late in the afternoon when Tobias tiredly sat down on a moss-covered log. The smell of damp earth mingled pleasantly with pine needles. It had rained that morning and the sky was still overcast. He had been gone since shortly before lunch and his stomach growled, mad at having missed the midday meal. Tobias looked around the dark, unfamiliar forest and panic set in as he realized he was completely lost.
Collection of Stories for Demented Children Page 1