by Fox, Louise
Then another blow fell. Penny took me and Tanya into the office and explained that Jamie was to be allowed home again, but we were not. I felt betrayed. Why was Jamie going home and not us? Had Mum said she just wanted him? He had always been her favourite. Now he was going home, and would be part of Mum’s new family, while we were left in care.
Penny explained that they didn’t feel certain that Tanya and I would be safe, so we had to wait a bit longer. But I didn’t understand that at all. I ran to my room and lay on the bed, crying my eyes out.
Jamie couldn’t hide how pleased he was to be going home. He did try to be nice and tell us we’d be there soon ourselves. But neither of us really believed it. A couple of days later, Mum arrived to collect him. She came in and gave him a big hug and Tanya and I just stood and watched, feeling unwanted.
It took me a few weeks to settle down again after that. I couldn’t stop thinking of Mum with John’s kids and now Jamie, all settled in at home, while we were left to rot. Though in truth, we weren’t rotting, we were actually quite happy and settled in Cherry Road. But I couldn’t get past the feeling of being abandoned.
By the time I was almost twelve and Tanya was nearly fifteen, I had decided that we should both have boyfriends. I longed to be wanted and liked, and I became convinced a boyfriend was the answer. I knew boyfriends were supposed to be nice to you and pay you lots of attention. I began chasing the boys at Cherry Road around, asking them to find us boyfriends, although Tanya was more than capable of finding her own and had already had several. This got me into trouble with the staff, who said it was unacceptable behaviour for a girl of my age. They threatened to cancel Mum’s visits if I didn’t stop.
Mum was still coming - when she managed to get lifts - and she seemed to take pleasure in telling us about all the presents she was buying Jamie and all the fun they were having now that he was home. She’d already bought him a Sega Mega Drive and a music centre and all sorts of other things we would have loved. It only added to our belief that he was Mum’s favourite.
A few weeks later, we were told that Mum would be allowed to take us out for a few hours at a time. At first it was only an hour, and we’d walk around the shops and go for a cup of tea. When all went well, she was allowed to take us for several hours, and eventually for a whole day. We were supposed to go shopping, or to the cinema, but as soon as she had us for the day, Mum just took us straight home. This was strictly forbidden, but the staff never found out.
Of course we’d already been home, when we bunked off school, so we were used to going there anyway. And, to be honest, although we’d wanted to go back so much, it was no fun at all. The moment we arrived, Mum seemed to revert to her old self and lose interest in us. She settled in front of the telly with a cup of tea and ignored us until it was time to drive back to the home. It was as if once she was back on home territory, she forgot about loving us and being kind and went back to being just the same as she’d been before. She was all smiles and cuddles at the home, but as soon as she was out of sight of the staff she’d be cold and distant again. She had kept saying she wanted us back, but when we were actually at home it didn’t feel as though she wanted us at all. She seemed irritated by our presence, and told us to go out and play. We were only allowed in to do jobs for her, or rub her feet or back.
After a few of these trips home, I began to be quite glad when Mum didn’t turn up to take us out. It was boring hanging around our house, with nothing to do and no-one to talk to. John would be at the printers where he worked, his kids would be out playing, and Tanya and I just mooned around, feeling lost.
Jamie didn’t seem happy to see us either. He hated having these new kids in the house and he blamed me and Tanya for it. He said that if we hadn’t been taken away, after blabbing about Terry, then the other kids wouldn’t have moved in. He’d only been back for a short while, but already he was in all kinds of trouble again, stealing and breaking into houses. Mum didn’t mind, as long as he gave her plenty of the stuff he stole. He’d come home with armloads of sweets, cakes and cigarettes, and even things like tellys and videos. He’d sell those, and Mum would pocket at least half of the cash.
We all hated Shaun and Kelly being in our house, but I soon realised that they hated it too. And most of all they hated Mum. They thought she was a witch, because she was so horrible to them. She beat them, made them miss meals, and if they forgot to clean their teeth she made them brush their teeth with salt. They hid a knife in her pillow, hoping it would stab her when she got into bed. She found it when she fluffed the pillow up, and she was livid. It never occurred to her to wonder why they wanted to kill her.
John was a loving dad, and all this was putting his relationship with Mum under a lot of strain. And that made her even more irritable and tense. I used to go out onto the street and hang about, thinking that the kids at Cherry Road were probably off swimming or enjoying a fun outing and wishing I was there.
By this time I’d been at Cherry Road for over a year and a half and I was a much happier, calmer and less angry child than I had been when I arrived. The staff’s kindness and concern had broken through the shell of my resistance and hurt, and I genuinely loved all of them. They would spoil me, giving me little treats or letting me do jobs to earn extra pocket money. I had stopped smoking and was gradually relaxing into being the child I really was, rather than the imitation adult I had been forced to be.
When all the bedrooms were redecorated, they even allowed me to choose my own wallpaper. The one I fell in love with was called ‘woof’; it had little dogs all over a blue background. I was still sharing with Tanya, but luckily she approved my choice.
I had stopped stealing and running away and was far less disruptive. I had learned to keep to the rules and it was rare for me to be punished or get into trouble.
I had also made a friend, at last. A boy called Lee had arrived a few months after me. He was a skinny little kid in glasses, a little younger than I was. He had learned karate and we would play-fight, though he’d win every time. He was a joker and he made me laugh. We began hanging around together in our free time and it was nice to have a friend. Lee was there for about nine months, then one day he told me he was leaving to go home. I missed him a lot.
Even school was better. I was catching up and sometimes getting very good marks and I’d begun to make some friends. I was far more talkative and confident than I had once been. I no longer hung around the edges of the playground, and I joined in with the other kids’ games.
Anna was still coming to see me and Tanya, though by this time it was only every couple of weeks. She monitored our progress closely and she told me how happy she was that I was doing well. I had long since forgiven her for sending us to Cherry Road - I understood by then that it wouldn’t have been her decision alone anyway.
Mum was still visiting us, though she often missed one or two visits, and one day she told us that she had broken up with John. ‘Couldn’t stand his bloody kids,’ she sniffed. ‘The little buggers put ground-up tablets in my tea. Tried to kill me. Anyway, they’re gone now and I’m glad. Best off without them.’
I pretended to be sorry that Mum and John had split up, but I was actually delighted. I had always hated the idea of those other kids living in our house. I didn’t blame them for hating Mum; I’d seen how horrible she was to them. But that didn’t mean I liked them or wanted them around.
Then Mum dropped a bombshell. ‘Been in touch with George,’ she said. ‘He’s out of prison, living in a flat across town. We’re thinking of getting back together.’
I was stunned. I had thought that George was gone forever. Now it seemed he was not only out of jail, but planning to move back into our house.
‘Trouble is,’ Mum went on. ‘The social services busybodies are kicking up about it. They don’t want me to take him back. He won’t do anything wrong, I know he won’t. But they won’t give him another chance. They want me to give him up or they won’t let me have you back.’
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p; I could just imagine Anna’s face when Mum announced she was thinking of getting back together with George. And I knew they wouldn’t let us go home if he was there. I didn’t want to - I was sure he would do terrible things to me for putting him in jail.
After that visit, I began to think that we might never go home. I felt very down; it really hurt to think that Mum would put George before me and Tanya.
So I was startled when Anna arrived one Friday afternoon, sat me and Tanya down, and asked us if we’d like to go home.
‘Yes, of course,’ we both said. ‘But can we go?’
‘Yes,’ Anna smiled. ‘We think it’s time for you to go back. I’m going to take you tomorrow.’
This was very sudden, and I felt shocked. ‘What about George?’ I asked.
‘Your Mum has finished with George and agreed to break off all contact with him. She’s on her own with Jamie now,’ Anna said. ‘She really wants you to come home, and we feel sure that you’re both going to be safe and well cared for.’
When Anna had gone, Tanya and I hugged each other. We were going home, at last!
That evening I told Melanie. ‘Yes, I’d heard,’ she grinned, giving me a hug. ‘I’m so glad for you. We’ll miss you.’
‘I won’t miss you!’ I laughed. But that night, lying in bed, I realised that actually I would miss all of them at Cherry Road - a lot. And I wasn’t even going to have a chance to say goodbye to everyone at school. The more I thought about it, the more uncertain I felt about going home. Of course I wanted to be with Mum and Jamie. But I couldn’t stop the nagging doubts. Would it really be OK, like Anna said? Would Mum still love me, like she seemed to when she came to visit? She had never been like that at home, not even on our sneaked visits.
Of course, Anna and the staff at Cherry Road didn’t know about our visits home. As far as they were concerned, we hadn’t been back there for over two years. And we couldn’t tell them without getting Mum and ourselves into trouble. So we kept quiet, and I squashed down my doubts and fears and looked forward to going home. Things would be different this time, I told myself, of course they would. Mum had fought all this time to get us back and that meant she loved us and would be nice to us.
The next morning, I was excited as I packed all my stuff up and sat on the end of my bed waiting for Anna. When she arrived, she came into my room to get me. Tanya was with her. ‘We just need to have a final chat before we set off, Louise. Is that OK, love?’ Anna said. I grabbed my bag and followed them to the small office where the staff usually went for their meetings.
Anna told us it was normal that we should be a little bit scared about going back home and not to worry too much if we felt nervous. She asked how we were feeling and we both said we were excited. ‘That’s good,’ she smiled. ‘Before you realise it you’ll have forgotten all about us here. Now, let’s go and say goodbye to everyone.’
We went through to the kitchen, where all the staff and kids were gathered, waiting for us. When I saw them, my eyes filled with tears. Had they really all come to say goodbye? I had thought we would be whisked out without a word from anyone, the way we had when we left Cranley. I looked around. Even the staff that weren’t on duty that day were there. Suddenly I realised how much they liked us and cared about us.
I turned to Tanya, who had tears running down her cheeks. That was it - I started sobbing.
Penny stepped forward and put her arms around us. ‘Come on, you two, stop crying. It’s meant to be a happy time for you both, not a sad one. Come on and show me your best smile,’ she said. But there were tears in her eyes too. I held on tightly to her as some of the other kids came and hugged me.
Those kids had been our family for the last two years and despite all our differences and squabbles, we cared for each other. As they stepped forward, one by one, to hug me, I realised that they really did like me - for myself - and it felt special. This was what families should be like.
Last to come and hug me was Melanie - my favourite member of staff. ‘You take care and have a great life,’ she whispered.
‘Thanks for everything,’ I sobbed, as Anna took my arm and led me out to the car.
They all came to the door and we sat in the back, waving, as Anna drove down the street. My last glimpse of Cherry Road, as we turned the corner, was of a dozen waving hands and smiling faces.
The journey home seemed to take forever, and as we wound through the city streets, my stomach started to churn and I began to feel giddy and sick. It was real, we were going home, and though I had longed for this day, I was scared.
Beside me, Tanya was silent, and Anna was unusually quiet too, so we made the rest of the journey in silence.
As we pulled into our street, I saw Mum at the window, watching out for us, with Jamie beside her. Suddenly I couldn’t wait to hug her, and to go into the house, knowing it wasn’t just for a sneaked couple of hours, but to stay. I was home. The only funny thing was the car parked outside our house. It looked just like the one John, Mum’s ex-boyfriend, drove.
When the car stopped, I jumped out. Mum opened the front door and I ran to hug her, with Tanya behind me. She put her arms round us, kissing our heads and telling us how happy she was to see us.
Anna came up the path, carrying our bags, which she’d pulled out of the boot. Mum let go of us and took a step towards her.
‘That’s as far as you go,’ she hissed, snatching the bags from her. Then she pushed us through the door, followed us in and turned and slammed it in Anna’s face. I felt upset and embarrassed. Anna had been so kind. But I didn’t want to risk Mum’s mood turning, so I said nothing.
We went into the living room - and stopped. There, sitting in a chair in front of the telly, was John. And beside him were Shaun and Kelly.
‘Hello, girls,’ John said. ‘Nice to see you.’
We looked at Mum, who mouthed, ‘Forgot to tell you, we’re back together,’ before telling us to sit down while she made us all a cup of tea. Awkwardly, we went in and perched on the sofa next to John’s children.
‘Where are they going to sleep, Dad?’ Kelly said.
‘Don’t worry, we’ll sort things out, there’s plenty of room for everyone,’ John replied cheerfully.
I suddenly twigged. John and Mum were not only back together, but he and the kids were living with her. My heart sank. Where would we all sleep? There would be five kids in the house, but there were only four beds.
Mum soon let us know. ‘You can share the bottom bunk with Kelly,’ she said to me. ‘Tanya can have the top.’
I had no choice. But that night, squashed into the bottom bunk with Kelly, I lay staring into the darkness, thinking about Cherry Road. Anna had been wrong when she said I would soon forget them. I knew I never would. I wouldn’t forget how welcoming they were, and how they kept on trying to get through to me, even when I rejected them. I wouldn’t forget the trouble the staff took to play with me, talk to me, listen to me and show me I mattered.
I had changed at Cherry Road. I had been liked and wanted, and that had made me into a different person. I had found confidence and self-belief. I didn’t want to go back to being scared all the time and crushed and hopeless.
I wanted coming home to be the best thing ever. But deep down I knew it wasn’t. What I didn’t know yet was just how big a mistake the authorities had made in sending me back there.
Chapter Eleven
At first Mum was really nice to us. She was calm and friendly, she didn’t snap and she didn’t make me do jobs for her. In fact, she couldn’t do enough for us - she made meals, baked us cakes and even played games with us.
It lasted three days.
After that, she lost interest, and went back to watching TV and asking me to make her cups of tea and snacks. I didn’t mind doing that. But I found it really hard with so many of us in the house. There wasn’t even room for all of us to sit in front of the TV in the evening. I often ended up sitting on the floor.
It was obvious that Mum still didn’t li
ke John’s kids. She put up with them because she wanted John around, but as soon as he was out of the house she snapped and swore and lashed out at them and they scuttled out of her way.
Tanya and I had to start school again and we were switched to the local comprehensive, Parkstone, which was up the road. This time there was no social services budget for our uniforms. I was supposed to wear black trousers or a skirt with a white shirt and a burgundy sweatshirt. I ended up wearing Jamie’s old school sweatshirt with a pair of black track bottoms with holes in them and a t-shirt that had once been white but was now a dirty grey.
It was halfway through the summer term, so I had to join the year eight class, which had been together all year. I soon realised that most of my old classmates from the junior school were there. I had been away for three years, so it was strange seeing them all. But the worst part was that they knew I’d been taken away and put into care. From the day I got there I was taunted about that - and my weight. I was still plump, and the kids lost no time in calling me every fat name under the sun. The one that really stuck - and that hurt the most - was Fatty. Mum had always called me that, Tanya and Jamie picked it up and now everyone else did too.
Not surprisingly, I was miserable at school. It wasn’t quite as bad for Tanya - she was slim and pretty, and she’d had friends in the past who were glad to see her again. So she seemed to fit back in, while I felt I was unwanted and out of place.
Jamie was fourteen, but he’d stopped going to school. In fact, it soon became clear that he was out of control. He was stealing stuff all over the place, breaking into shops and houses and taking whatever he could grab. Mum encouraged him to do it. She liked the stuff he brought, and threatened to shop him to the police if he didn’t give her half.