by Jo Ann Brown
In large part that was because she hadn’t wanted to worry him. She was unsure if his heart was the reason he kept falling, but she knew that worry wasn’t gut for someone with heart disease. She hadn’t had much time to observe him to see if she could discern what really was causing him to lose his footing and fall. He’d spent most of his time out in the barn or in the fields. The only time he came inside was for meals and for evening devotionals before bed. It was as if he were trying to crowd a year’s work into a month. Did he, even though he argued otherwise, think that he was seriously ill? She wished he would heed her when she pleaded with him to see a doctor.
Would he listen to another man? Someone like the bishop or the deacon maybe. Suggesting that might make him even more determined to conceal his illness because he didn’t want to be a financial burden on the Leit.
Exactly like the excuse Johnny had used not to come home.
Daed was too much like his only son, stubborn and sure that he was right even in the face of facts that showed otherwise. She hoped he wouldn’t kill himself trying to disprove the truth that he needed medical help.
She sighed, knowing she was being exactly as stubborn. She should have gone to speak with Daed and asked if he knew where Mandy was. No matter where Daed went when Mandy wasn’t at school, she followed him around, asking questions, and offering to help with chores. Leah guessed it was her way of keeping an eye on her grossdawdi because Shep always joined her, in spite of Daed’s insistence that the dog was the reason he’d fallen in the kitchen.
Or maybe it was simply that Mandy felt comfortable with her grossdawdi and wanted to spend time with him. Leah was startled to remember when she’d done the same. Mamm used to call her “Abram’s little shadow.” Back then, Leah had been annoyed when she had to go inside and help with chores in the house rather than in the barns and fields as Johnny did. Those days seemed forever ago, a life that wasn’t part of hers anymore.
And recalling that made her very sad. She knew the exact moment when her relationship with her daed changed. The special closeness she’d shared with Daed died the first time he sent back her letter unopened. That day, as she stood in front of the mailbox in the apartment lobby and held the envelope with the words Return to Sender scrawled in Daed’s bold handwriting across the front, she’d felt as if her own daed had become a stranger. Her loving daed wouldn’t ever make her choose a side. She couldn’t choose either Johnny or her daed. It was impossible. Johnny and Mandy needed her too much for her to turn her back on them. The chasm between her and her daed widened with every passing year and every letter that was returned.
“I’m sorry, Leah.” Mandy’s voice jerked Leah out of her thoughts. The little girl flushed, then dug her bare toe into the grass by the fence. “I’m sorry if I upset you and Grossmammi, but I don’t understand. Why can’t I walk across the field by myself to come to see Mamm Millich? It’s not like I’m a baby, and it’s just a field way out here in the boonies. If Isabella’s mother lets her take the bus to the Philadelphia Museum of Art by herself, why can’t I come over here by myself?”
No matter how Isabella bragged, Leah was certain that Mrs. Martinez never allowed her nine-year-old daughter to travel through the city on a bus alone. From what she’d observed, Mrs. Martinez hovered around her daughter constantly, seldom giving the girl a chance to make any decisions for herself. Trying to tell Mandy that Isabella wasn’t being honest would be a waste of time. Her niece believed the fantastic stories.
“I know you’re sorry, Mandy, and I’m sorry, too. You did what I’ve asked you to. You let a grown-up know where you were going. I should have checked with everyone before I rushed to look for you.” She took her niece’s hand and squeezed it. “Will you forgive me?”
“You’re asking me if I will forgive you?”
“It’s our way to ask forgiveness and to give it,” came Ezra’s voice. “A person can’t expect to be forgiven if he or she isn’t willing to forgive.”
She looked over Mandy’s head to see him on the other side of the fence. He carried a shovel and wore knee-high barn boots coated with dirt and hay, but he was more handsome than any Englischer with a fancy suit. His straw hat shaded his face, but his arms beneath his rolled-up sleeves were already deep tan from his time in the fields.
Caught up in her conversation with her niece, she hadn’t heard him approach. She was glad that he had interjected such sensible words into the conversation.
“For the Amish, it is the core of our relationship with God,” he went on, smiling at the little girl, who gazed up at him as she listened intently. “Do you remember what the bishop preached last church Sunday?”
“Ja. He said that we need to forgive a bunch of times,” Mandy said. “Seven times...something.”
“That’s right. You really were listening.”
She beamed at his praise, and Leah couldn’t help thinking what a gut daed Ezra would be. He was patient and, like Esther at school, he pushed kinder to think for themselves. Mandy respected him, as his nephews and niece did, because he offered them respect in return. Equally important, he was steadfast in his faith, showing them his gentle strength came from God.
“The verses are from the Book of Luke,” Ezra went on. “‘If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.’ If I want God to forgive one of His kinder—me, for example—I need to forgive His other kinder.”
Mandy considered the words, then grinned. “That makes sense.” Looking up at Leah, she said, “I forgive you, Leah. I know you worry about me because you love me.”
“And I forgive you, Mandy. You did what we asked you to, which shows that you’re growing up to be a responsible young lady.” When Mandy threw her arms around Leah, she hugged her niece, grateful that the little girl was part of her life.
Ezra’s smile broadened. “Now that is settled, to what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from two such lovely ladies?”
As her niece giggled at his question, Leah looked at the top rail and realized he’d leaned his hand on it close to hers. Even though it was impossible, she was sure she could feel warmth from his rough skin. He could slip his hand over hers easily, as he’d done before the auction. He didn’t shift his hand, and she pushed her disappointment down deep.
“I came over to see Mamm Millich,” said Mandy. “Where is she?”
“Resting,” he replied.
“Can I see her?”
“Only if you promise to be quiet and make no sudden moves. Her calf will be born soon, so she needs all the rest she can get right now. After the calf comes, she will be busy taking care of it.”
Mandy’s nose wrinkled. “I remember when Isabella’s baby brother was born. He always needed something.” Abruptly her mood shifted to melancholy. “I wish I had a brother or sister.”
“Our family is big, I don’t think anyone would notice if you want to be an honorary part of it,” Ezra said, winking at Leah. “Then you’d have more brothers and sisters than you probably want.”
“Can I?” She whirled to Leah. “Can I be part of Ezra’s family?”
“As long as...” she replied, putting her hands on her niece’s shoulders and trying not to laugh at how seriously Mandy was taking Ezra’s jest, “you stay part of mine, too.”
“But you can be an honorary part of Ezra’s family, too. You’d like that, right, Ezra?”
Leah pulled in a sharp breath. She couldn’t look at him. Not when she was sure her face was turning a brilliant red. Becoming a part of Ezra’s family had implications that had lately filled her dreams, but which she hadn’t dared to think about while awake. The dreams weren’t very different from the ones she’d had as a teenager when she imagined Ezra asking if he could take her home from a singing. He�
��d had plenty of chances, but, until the night he kissed her, she thought he didn’t want to risk their friendship if a courtship didn’t work out.
“Let’s try it with you first, Mandy,” Ezra said, his voice light and filled with amusement. “Three sisters may be enough for me.”
“Okay.” Mandy gave her another hug and giggled. “Sorry, Leah. I got the last spot in the Stoltzfus family.”
“You did.” Leah focused on her niece, not ready to meet Ezra’s gaze yet.
When he told them to meet him in the lower level of the barn, she hoped she’d have her emotions back under control by the time she and Mandy got there. She let Mandy babble about seeing the pregnant cow and how she and Ezra’s niece Deborah would be honorary cousins now. Maybe her niece would be willing to miss the birthday party in Philadelphia now.
Looking back across the field, she saw Mamm walking to the barn. To check on Daed, no doubt. Leah waved to her mamm and smiled when Mamm waved back to her and Mandy. Knowing that Mandy had been found would ease Mamm’s mind, but Leah wished her daed would see how much his refusal to acknowledge his need to see a doctor was weighing on his wife.
Leah needed to lighten Mamm’s burden instead of worrying about herself. God must have some reason for bringing her back to Paradise Springs at the precise time when her stubborn daed and fearful mamm needed her help.
Her steps were lighter when she stepped into the musky shadows in the barn. She had a purpose for her life again: to find the best way to help Daed and Mamm through this uncertain time. Until now, she hadn’t realized how adrift she’d been since Johnny died. God had guided her to the place she needed to be.
“You’re smiling, Aunt Leah,” Mandy said as she swung their clasped hands between them.
“It’s because I’m spending time with my favorite niece.”
“Your only niece,” she corrected as she did each time Leah said that.
“My favorite and only niece. How’s that?”
“Perfect!”
Ahead of them, Ezra stood beside a stall with its door shut. His expression as he gazed over the wall was gentle and caring. Her heart skipped several times as she saw the honest happiness on his face. Being a farmer was the perfect life for him. He loved tending to the animals and the land that had been in his family for generations. As he’d told her when it was first discussed years ago that he would take over the farm, he was a caretaker who must ensure the land and buildings were in excellent shape for the generations to come.
“Ezra?” she called quietly.
He straightened and motioned for them to come closer. Holding his finger to his lips, he inched back so Mandy could press up against the stall and, standing on tiptoe, peek over it. She squirmed in excitement but didn’t squeal as Leah guessed she wanted to.
“She’s fat,” Mandy whispered.
“That happens when a cow is about to have a calf,” he replied with a throaty chuckle. “Leah, do you want to see, too?”
Before she could answer, he put his hand at the back of her waist to guide her between him and the stall. Warmth spread through her and lingered, even when he drew his fingers away. His breath caressed her nape as he leaned forward to answer her niece’s questions. When he gestured, she felt surrounded by him. She needed only to lean her head back an inch or two, and it would settle against his shoulder. Closing her eyes, she drew in a deep breath flavored with the aroma of him, a mixture of freshly cut hay and his own unique scent.
Her eyes popped open when Ezra said, “That’s enough for now.” She wanted to protest it wasn’t, though she knew he wasn’t talking about them being close to each other. He wanted to make sure the cow wasn’t disturbed by having too many visitors for too long.
“Bye, Mamm Millich.” Mandy blew the cow a kiss before pushing back from the stall. Waiting until they were a few steps away, she asked, “Can I come back to see her again?”
“Maybe you should wait until the calf is born,” Leah said quickly. “As Ezra said, Mamm Millich needs her rest now.”
“Will you call me the minute the calf is born?”
“Maybe not the exact minute, but I will let you know.” He chuckled. “I’ll need help giving the calf a name, so I’d appreciate it if you came up with some.”
Mandy started to clap in excitement, then glanced back at the stall. Lowering her hands, she said, “I’ll make a list of gut names.”
“In the meantime,” he said with another wink that set Leah’s heart speeding again, “I know a secret. The calico barn cat has kittens hidden in the haymow.”
“Kittens! How many?”
“Four, I think. She’s kept them hidden pretty well until the last couple of days. If you look under the tarp on the old buggy up there, you may find them.”
She tugged on Leah’s arm. “Can I?”
“Go ahead, but remember they’re babies. Handle them very carefully.”
“I will!” She ran out the door to go up into the haymow.
As Leah started to follow, Ezra asked, “Can I talk to you? Alone?”
She couldn’t avoid looking at him any longer. His gut humor had vanished, and his expression was as serious as a deacon scolding a misbehaving member. “As long as it’s quick. I need to get back home to help Mamm.”
“This shouldn’t take long.”
She wondered what this was; then she wondered if she really wanted to know when her feelings were on such a seesaw.
* * *
Why was Leah looking distressed? She hadn’t reacted as he’d expected recently. He was trying to take Joshua’s advice and be straightforward, but that didn’t seem to be working very well. He didn’t know what else to do, so he plunged on.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“I’m gut.” A wobbly smile returned to her face. “Now.”
“You seemed pretty shaken up out by the fence.”
“I was when Mamm came to me to find out if I’d seen Mandy recently. I should have known right away that she’d be over here visiting her favorite cow.”
“And that’s all it was?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“Ja.” Enough for other people, but not enough to make Leah Beiler agitated. As she’d shown again when Rose became hysterical after Isaiah was named the new minister, Leah could easily deal with a crisis.
“What did you want to talk to me about?”
“Cheese.”
“Cheese?” Her bafflement appeared genuine. “I thought you had to wait until Mamm Millich freshened and started giving milk after her calf is born.”
“I’m milking a couple of the other Brown Swiss, so I thought I’d experiment with a mixture of their milk and the other cows’ for now. Do you want to try it? My mamm says the best thing to make someone less upset is to give them something to eat.”
“Mine says the same thing.”
“What was it that you used to say? That they got together and came up with sayings to teach us identical lessons.”
“I don’t remember saying that, but it does sound like something I’d say.” She glanced up as she heard Mandy’s quick steps in the haymow overhead. “I don’t want to leave Mandy alone in the barn.”
“You won’t. I’ve been doing my cheese-making down here in a room off the milking parlor. Mamm and Esther got tired of my experimenting in their kitchen, especially when it was time to make meals. This way...” He led her through the milking parlor. Opening a door, he stepped to one side so she could enter first.
He heard her soft gasp, and he smiled. Only his family had come into the rooms he’d equipped with everything he needed to make cheese, and they had been as awed as Leah was.
“Tell me what it does.” She touched the side of the spotless vat right in front of them. It was five feet long and about two feet deep. Both sides slanted down
slightly to a gutter that ran the length of the rectangular vat.
Ezra didn’t try to hide his enthusiasm as he explained that the vat was where the process began. He pointed to nearby shelves and the containers that held either salt or the rennet that would turn the milk into curds when it was slowly heated. Ducking under the hoses that hung from metal rods that went from one side of the room to the other, he showed her which ones brought milk in from the storage tank. The others supplied water for when he cleaned the equipment. He took her step-by-step through the cheese-making process, starting with separating the solidifying cheese curds from the liquid whey, which was drained from the vat and saved to be used as fertilizer on the farm’s cornfields.
“It’s gut for a couple of years, then I’ll have to add another application,” he said.
He showed her the curds knife that cut the curds into small cubes. It was as wide as the vat and constructed of small wires so the curds could be cut to the bottom. Salt and flavoring were added before the cheese was put in a press where pressure squeezed out the rest of the whey over the next day. He opened another door and showed her the wooden racks where the cheese was then left to age.
“The longer it’s aged, the stronger the flavor.” He picked up a rectangle of cheese and carried it to a table. “This block is sage cheddar. Want a bite?” He kept his expression even so she could not guess how much he wanted—and valued—her opinion.
She smiled. “Ja, but only if you’ve improved since your first attempts.” She glanced around, and he guessed she was remembering when he used to hang cheesecloth bags with draining cheese from the rafters.
“It could not taste worse.”
“I agree.”
He cut a chunk of the fragrant cheese and offered it to her. When she took it, thanking him, he started to slice another piece. He kept his gaze on her as she took a hearty bite of the cheese. She had never been one of those girls who was afraid to try something new, whether it was swinging out over a pond on a tire hung from a tree or an unfamiliar food.
Memories of time he’d spent with Leah poured through his head. Whether he was awake or asleep, the image of her face or the memory of something she had said filled his mind.